Auditchris
Friday 16th March 2018 1:14pm
Tunbridge Wells
135 posts
Given that I've sent many sketches into the Newsjack void with no feedback I thought I'd be brave and post one here. It's one from a few weeks ago - I was pleased with it at the time but a little less so now. Would be grateful for any thoughts - will happily return the favour. Excuse any weird formatting on this post!
From today we are no longer able to use the old ten pound note - you know, the one with Charles Dickens on the front and that woman on the back. Deemed useless simply because it's reached a certain age - that sort of discrimination can't be right, can it?
1. GRAMS: SUPERMARKET EASY LISTENING
2. FX: BEEPS OF SUPERMARKET CHECKOUT
3. CASHIER: Okay, that comes to a total of two Hollywood actresses please.
4. CUSTOMER: Sure, there you go.
5. CASHIER: Ooh, sorry but I'm afraid I can't accept this one. She's too old.
6. CUSTOMER: Since when?
7. CASHIER: Since the First of March. She's no longer legal tender unfortunately.
8. CUSTOMER: Just because she's old? That's ageism!
9. CASHIER: I don't make the rules mate. Look, if you take her to the Bank of England they'll exchange her for a young sexy type. Alternatively, have you got any British ones?
10. CUSTOMER: British ones?
11. CASHIER: Yeah, I might be able to accept an older British actress if she's achieved national treasure status.
12. CUSTOMER: Let me check my coat... aha! Dame Maggie Smith!
13. MAGGIE SMITH: Hello darling.
14. CASHIER: Great, let me just check with my supervisor that I can accept her. Susan!
15. MAGGIE SMITH: Oh do get a move on. One has places to be you know.
16. SUPERVISOR: What's up?
17. CASHIER: Customer here with Dame Maggie Smith. Are we okay to accept?
18. SUPERVISOR: Well in theory yes, except I'm pretty sure somebody paid for their meal deal with Maggie Smith not five minutes ago. This one must be counterfeit.
19. MAGGIE SMITH: I assure you I am the genuine article!
20. SUPERVISOR: She's good, I'll give her that. Let me just have a look at her forehead with this magnifying glass.
21. MAGGIE SMITH: Now look here...
22. SUPERVISOR: No! She's a fake! If she was real there'd be micro-lettering in her wrinkles. Right then sir, I'm afraid we can't let you take her away with you - there are strict rules about how we dispose of fake, old Hollywood actresses.
23. FX: BING BONG OF TANNOY
24. SUPERVISOR: [OVER TANNOY] Staff announcement, staff announcement. Could a furnace operator please make their way to checkout number three?
25. CASHIER: Sorry about all that mate. So do you just want to pay for the sandwich then?
26. CUSTOMER: Yeah, guess so. Oh wait a sec, I think there's something in the lining of my trousers...damn, it's another old one.
27. CASHIER: Oh no, that's an old male actor - we can take him, no problem. Enjoy your lunch!
END.