Newsjack Rejects - Spring 2018 Page 3

Quote: FavouriteMonkey @ 12th February 2018, 11:19 AM

Please allow me to buck the trend:
1. Walk on girls for male darts players have been removed by the PDC and other sports are beginning to follow suit. With their large breasts, curvy figures and often exposing their tummies to the jeering crowds, there have also been plenty of calls for the players to wear larger T-shirts.
2. In response to the gender pay gap in the BBC, John Humphreys voluntarily took a large salary cut. Having told his producers that he wished to be treated equal to women in the industry, Mr Humphreys was immediately groped, kissed and told to let the producer watch him shower if he "ever wanted to get close to that Mastermind chair again".
3. North and South will be united at the Winter Olympics that begin in Pyeongchang tomorrow (Firday 9th) as professionals from both countries will compete under one banner in the women's ice hockey. Who'd have thought you could make a Korea out of just playing hockey.

NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. 1: The BCG nominated sketch show, Newsjack described as a laugh a minute by Deadringers
10: 10 seconds average time between jokes.

2. 8.5: A students house is burgled in Manchester every eight and a half hours.
1: One of the most unfortunate students in the UK, poor fella.

3. 99: The percentage of people will who laugh at this joke
1: The percentage of people too stupid to get it.

View original

Some of these are really funny. Maybe could be shorter that is all.
I read the first two to my partner who burst out laughing.

This sketch has been removed

So my first newsjack entry for years didn't get in my two sketches, oneliners and number crunchers.

Any advice will go a long way you don't have to be nice lol.

my best sketch
LONDON WINTER OLYMPICS

ANGELA: At the moment the winter Olympics have had problems with weather conditions causing havoc with certain events. But what if it was hosted in London? The figure skating in Hyde Park would be great until the sun comes up, also would we win anything? Which probably speaks for itself.

GRAMS: WINTER OLYMPICS INTRO

COMMENTATOR: Welcome back to the London winter Olympics, we'll be going to the curling in a minute but before we do that let's get an update of all the events from our reporter on the ground.

REPORTER: There's been lots of events happening today: Ice hockey, bobsled, speed skating and all of them have been cancelled due to weather conditions and traffic on the M25.

COMMENTATOR: At least we have the curling to look forward to and we will be getting the results now.

REPORTER: Canada have done well, so have the Olympic athletes from Russia who are actually KGB agents. The favourite however is our very own Team GB candidate Doris, now at 87 she's been sitting here for hours, lets have a quick chat with her before the results are revealed. Hi Doris.

DORIS: Hello mate.

REPORTER: Could you tell the nation how well you think you've done today?

DORIS: I always do well here, the girls are lovely. They give me a cup of tea, a magazine and then we chat about Corrie or repeats of The Bill. I've heard one of them have split up with their boyfriend, you might have a chance if you get in there quick.

REPORTER:Thank you Doris and the rollers are coming out... It's gold for Team GB in the curling!

FX: TEAM GB ANTHEM

END

my oneliners/number crunchers

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Commonwealth in secret succession plans to stop Charles becoming king.

2. The FTSE recovers in time for Valentine's Day.

3. UK team set for giant iceberg expedition after hearing 10cms of snow is set to fall this week in Britain.

NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. 400: The number of times a black man has been stopped and searched.
400: The amount of coconut oil tubs found on this black man when being stopped and searched.

2. 44: The percentage of all properties owned by overseas companies in England and Wales are located in London.
100: The percentage of these companies who are dodging tax.

3. 261: The number of arrivals and departures from London City airport that have been re-scheduled due to an unexploded WW2 bomb.
261: The number of arrivals and departures that would have been re-scheduled without an unexploded WW2 bomb being discovered

Any feedback will be greatly appreciated thanks

Quote: woodsy @ 15th February 2018, 8:01 PM

So my first newsjack entry for years didn't get in my two sketches, oneliners and number crunchers.

Any advice will go a long way you don't have to be nice lol.

my best sketch
LONDON WINTER OLYMPICS

ANGELA: At the moment the winter Olympics have had problems with weather conditions causing havoc with certain events. But what if it was hosted in London? The figure skating in Hyde Park would be great until the sun comes up, also would we win anything? Which probably speaks for itself.

GRAMS: WINTER OLYMPICS INTRO

COMMENTATOR: Welcome back to the London winter Olympics, we'll be going to the curling in a minute but before we do that let's get an update of all the events from our reporter on the ground.

REPORTER: There's been lots of events happening today: Ice hockey, bobsled, speed skating and all of them have been cancelled due to weather conditions and traffic on the M25.

COMMENTATOR: At least we have the curling to look forward to and we will be getting the results now.

REPORTER: Canada have done well, so have the Olympic athletes from Russia who are actually KGB agents. The favourite however is our very own Team GB candidate Doris, now at 87 she's been sitting here for hours, lets have a quick chat with her before the results are revealed. Hi Doris.

DORIS: Hello mate.

REPORTER: Could you tell the nation how well you think you've done today?

DORIS: I always do well here, the girls are lovely. They give me a cup of tea, a magazine and then we chat about Corrie or repeats of The Bill. I've heard one of them have split up with their boyfriend, you might have a chance if you get in there quick.

REPORTER:Thank you Doris and the rollers are coming out... It's gold for Team GB in the curling!

FX: TEAM GB ANTHEM

END

my oneliners/number crunchers

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Commonwealth in secret succession plans to stop Charles becoming king.

2. The FTSE recovers in time for Valentine's Day.

3. UK team set for giant iceberg expedition after hearing 10cms of snow is set to fall this week in Britain.

NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. 400: The number of times a black man has been stopped and searched.
400: The amount of coconut oil tubs found on this black man when being stopped and searched.

2. 44: The percentage of all properties owned by overseas companies in England and Wales are located in London.
100: The percentage of these companies who are dodging tax.

3. 261: The number of arrivals and departures from London City airport that have been re-scheduled due to an unexploded WW2 bomb.
261: The number of arrivals and departures that would have been re-scheduled without an unexploded WW2 bomb being discovered

Any feedback will be greatly appreciated thanks

View original

Thanks for posting..I like number 3 one liner best.
I like the roller/curling joke thing. Maybe it needed more of a strong punchline/twist?
It was nice and short which they really like.

Some very good oneliners in all of these.

For what it's worth, here are my rejected attempts:

Liam Gallagher has slammed the Brit Awards for asking him to host the ceremony but not allowing him to perform. The Brits have responded by telling Liam to stop crying his heart out and just roll with it.

A slab of ice falling from the sky has narrowly missed hitting a cleaner in Kew. The local council has agreed to pay him damages from a slush fund.

A Police Officer has been hurt in a crash involving the Canadian Prime Minister's motorcade. The officer's claim may seem farfetched but it's Trudeau.

10,000 year old man found in Cheddar turns out to be black.
10,000 year old black object in my fridge turns out to be cheddar.

47 Russian Athletes and coaches banned from the winter Olympics for doping offences
47 empty bags of Doritos, 73 Babybell shells, 10 Viennetta boxes and a walnut whip discovered their rooms after day one of the last winter Olympics.

4: The average dress size of models heading to London Fashion Week
2: The number of wire coat hangers which would do the same job and not look quite as hungry.

Quote: lolcov @ 15th February 2018, 8:18 PM

For what it's worth, here are my rejected attempts:

Liam Gallagher has slammed the Brit Awards for asking him to host the ceremony but not allowing him to perform. The Brits have responded by telling Liam to stop crying his heart out and just roll with it.

A slab of ice falling from the sky has narrowly missed hitting a cleaner in Kew. The local council has agreed to pay him damages from a slush fund.

A Police Officer has been hurt in a crash involving the Canadian Prime Minister's motorcade. The officer's claim may seem farfetched but it's Trudeau.

10,000 year old man found in Cheddar turns out to be black.
10,000 year old black object in my fridge turns out to be cheddar.

47 Russian Athletes and coaches banned from the winter Olympics for doping offences
47 empty bags of Doritos, 73 Babybell shells, 10 Viennetta boxes and a walnut whip discovered their rooms after day one of the last winter Olympics.

4: The average dress size of models heading to London Fashion Week
2: The number of wire coat hangers which would do the same job and not look quite as hungry.

View original

My favourites are 2 and 4 personally

Thanks BTF that's improved my confidence!

[quote name="lolcov" post="1186723" date="15th February 2018, 8:18 PM"]For what it's worth, here are my rejected attempts:

10,000 year old man found in Cheddar turns out to be black.
10,000 year old black object in my fridge turns out to be cheddar.

4: The average dress size of models heading to London Fashion Week
2: The number of wire coat hangers which would do the same job and not look quite as hungry.

These two are the strongest in my opinion surprised the cheddar gag didn't get in I would have chose it.

A sex toy hidden by a man in his son's luggage was found by Customs - the man's partner expressed secret relief and the hope that it would be confiscated - well it WAS 12".

Children have been banned from using the toilet in lessons in some schools. ERIC (the Children's Bowel and Bladder Charity) has said the best way to change policy is to raise a big stink.

24 the hours an 11 year old boy hid himself in Ikea overnight
23 and a half the hours it took him to assemble a 2 shelf Billly bookcase.

4 to 2 the number the episodes have been cut down to, of the new BBC1 series of the Generation Game
4 to 2 the odds that the Generation Game presenters, Mel and Sue, will move to Channel 4 after this.

14/7 the date of Bastille day which Trump was so impressed with that he has ordered one for America
14.99 the dollars Trump tried to pay to order one off Amazon.

Saoirse Ronan "sobbed hysterically" at Lady Bird but laughed uncontrollably at a woodlouse.
2. Fifty Shades Freed says Jamie Dornan as he FINALLY finishes the last instalment of the franchise.
3. Wakeup Zumba: the party workout of 2018. Sorry, that's Jacob Zuma: his party will be thrown out in 2018.

NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. Irish rugby player Robbie Henshaw is ruled out of 6 Nations.
2. That still leaves 189 countries that he is still allowed to visit.
3.
4. 13: The number of shots on goal Man United missed against Newcastle.
5. 90: The number of minutes Paul Pogba went missing for during the match.
6.
7. 1000: The number of points the Dow Jones fell by on both Monday and Thursday last week.
8. 0: The number of people of who actually know what that means.

Thank you Danno and Callooh for your tips before, it's much appreciated. I did send this before realising just quite how much I needed to tighten up on the one-liners. But, I thought I'd share anyway...

1. A car crashed in Mossley, near Manchester, smashing open a gas pipe. A local resident, who'd reported the leak, told reporters that having looked down the street and failing to see two men fighting over a Ginsters Pasty, instantly realised he was heavily under the influence of an hallucinogen.
2. The Bermudian government repeals gay marriage as the 21st Century goes missing on route through the Bermuda Triangle.
3. Articles reporting that; Prince Harry has invited Ex Cressida Bonas to the royal wedding and that Harry attended Twickenham without Meghan Markle, have recently been trending. Leading to rife speculation that it may well be a slow news week.

4. 365: The number of days in a 2018 calendar
365: The number of years missing in a Jacob Rees-Mog calendar
5. 20 cent: How little a coffee farmer can earn per hours work in Nicaragua
26 hours a day : What the farmer would have to work to then buy the coffee back from a Starbucks.
6. 80%: The rise in complaints that the BBC do too many repeats.
365: The number of years missing in a Jacob Rees-Mog calendar

Also, I too enjoyed the Cheddar man gag.

Quote: FavouriteMonkey @ 16th February 2018, 12:24 AM

Thank you Danno and Callooh for your tips before, it's much appreciated. I did send this before realising just quite how much I needed to tighten up on the one-liners. But, I thought I'd share anyway...

1. A car crashed in Mossley, near Manchester, smashing open a gas pipe. A local resident, who'd reported the leak, told reporters that having looked down the street and failing to see two men fighting over a Ginsters Pasty, instantly realised he was heavily under the influence of an hallucinogen.
2. The Bermudian government repeals gay marriage as the 21st Century goes missing on route through the Bermuda Triangle.
3. Articles reporting that; Prince Harry has invited Ex Cressida Bonas to the royal wedding and that Harry attended Twickenham without Meghan Markle, have recently been trending. Leading to rife speculation that it may well be a slow news week.

4. 365: The number of days in a 2018 calendar
365: The number of years missing in a Jacob Rees-Mog calendar
5. 20 cent: How little a coffee farmer can earn per hours work in Nicaragua
26 hours a day : What the farmer would have to work to then buy the coffee back from a Starbucks.
6. 80%: The rise in complaints that the BBC do too many repeats.
365: The number of years missing in a Jacob Rees-Mog calendar

Also, I too enjoyed the Cheddar man gag.

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Thanks for posting. I liked 2 and 3. Could definitely imagine them being read out on the show. 2 was my favourite as I thought it was clever. NCs 4 and 5 worked, I thought. Apologies if it's my slowness but I did not get the last one. I think the first could be tightened up, like you say, which would make the gag more obvious too.

I genuinely think some gags in critque are good and should be on the show. Humour is individual but even so...
I think the one liner selection is really a lottery as they get so many and a number of people choose them in the first stage.

@fav monkey...some funny schnizzle going on here! Bermuda triangle tickled me most, and I see what you did with the last cruncher you prankster you

Thanks for the positive comments. Nice to know that some of them worked. I'm sure that so much of the selection has to do with what else is going on in the show. Anyway, my favourite from these rejects is...

24 the hours an 11 year old boy hid himself in Ikea overnight
23 and a half the hours it took him to assemble a 2 shelf Billly bookcase.

Very nice.

Quote: Danno @ 16th February 2018, 7:48 AM

@fav monkey...some funny schnizzle going on here! Bermuda triangle tickled me most, and I see what you did with the last cruncher you prankster you

View original

I get it now

Quote: lolcov @ 16th February 2018, 9:46 AM

Thanks for the positive comments. Nice to know that some of them worked. I'm sure that so much of the selection has to do with what else is going on in the show. Anyway, my favourite from these rejects is...

24 the hours an 11 year old boy hid himself in Ikea overnight
23 and a half the hours it took him to assemble a 2 shelf Billly bookcase.

Very nice.

View original

Oh thanks

This is what I sent in which I was quite happy with:

1. Police in Portugal have arrested a man caught smuggling cocaine hidden in fake bottoms. Police said the man, who was acting as a drugs mule, had made an ass of himself
2. A council who ordered a lollipop man to stop high-fiving school children and "concentrate on ensuring highway safety" were forced to quickly lift their ban. Though police welcomed the move they did fine the council for making a U-turn in a school zone
3. Trinity group has bought the Express, Star and OK! Magazine. OK! promised readers nothing will change but have advised celebrities worried they're being judged on every aspect of their appearance to take a to look in the Mirror

1. 2025: the year Donald Trump hopes the International Space Station will be owned by private companies; 2025: the number times Donald Trump tried to bomb the ISS after confusing it with ISIS
2. 12 million: the number of customers stuck in poor-value and default energy tariffs according to an MPs' report; 12 million: the cost of my last heating bill
3. 10: gigabits per second - the fasted broadband speed achieved in the UK; 10: tissues per second - the average households with male teenagers are now going through thanks to broadband