BTF
Friday 9th February 2018 4:26pm
581 posts
Quote: Mike X @ 9th February 2018, 9:17 AM
ONE-LINERS
1. A killer whale has learnt to communicate by making tuneless grunting noises. It's already a hot favourite to join The Spice Girls as a replacement for Victoria Beckham.
2. The "Just Eat" app has been criticised for delivering poor quality food. The company is worried that complaining customers have opened a real can of worms
3. Men are being encouraged to have a prostate exam, but are worried that they will get an erection during the procedure and the doctor may accidentally come into contact with it. Hopefully it won't happen - touch wood
NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. 100 - the number of premier league goals scored by Harry Kane
101 - the number of Jaffa Cakes that I just ate, so who's the real winner, eh?
2. $60 billion - the amount wiped off the value of Bit Coin this week
6 billion - the number of people who have asked "what the f*** is a Bit Coin?"
3. 50 - the percentage of food sold in the UK that is "ultra-processed"
100 - the percentage of people who think something being "ultra-processed" sounds mega cool
Funny - particularly like 1 and also no 2 NC
Quote: Watch Maker @ 9th February 2018, 9:42 AM
Trying very hard to be objective, these are better than some on the show last night. I can not fathom the selection process except that being too "clever" does not seem to be a top criteria . There were jokes last night that could have come out of a Christmas cracker, the audience even groaned, but if that is what they want!
I did think there were two particular clunkers on the show. Sometimes it is hard to fathom.
Quote: Danno @ 9th February 2018, 9:52 AM
shame to keep 'em locked away in the dusty sarcophagus that is my Newsjack desktop folder...
High Street bakers, Greggs, will be hosting a romantic Valentine's Day restaurant experience. Couples can enjoy a quick sausage roll followed by a bun in the oven.
Plans in Swansea to introduce charges in school car parks has left students up in arms.
UK military chiefs have described the possibility of 1,000 job losses as 'a kick in the privates'.
1175: The biggest fall in points on the Dow Jones since September 2008.
75: The number of characters in Donald Trump's tweet bragging about it being 'the biggest'.
Particularly like 1
I couldn't think of a Greggs one though I tried.
Quote: Stobbart42 @ 9th February 2018, 1:22 PM
@Mike - I liked the Just Eat one best. How did that not get on?
@Danno - Loved the 'privates' one. Nice stuff.
Here are my understandably rejected ones:
BREAKING NEWS:
1. A policeman has been attacked by a group of people in a Ramsgate graveyard. At the time of the incident, the officer was investigating a plot.
2. West Yorkshire police are looking for a man due to be sentenced for his part in violence at Elland Road last month. They are also in the lookout for the entire Leeds United defense.
3. Climate change is expected to cause the release of large quantities of mercury from beneath the Arctic ice. Local residents will now be able to really measure those increasing temperatures.
NUMBER CRUNCHING
53% - Britain's contribution to Europe's entire wind capacity in 2017
47% - The amount of Europe's wind capacity that didn't come out of Theresa May's mouth.
number 1 clever
Quote: Steev @ 9th February 2018, 1:57 PM
Jamie Dornan, star of 50 Shades of Grey, has said that the prospective withdrawal from the EU keeps him "up" at night.
So moviegoers will finally get to see a "hard brexit"
Attendance at the annual memorial to famed clown Joseph Grimaldi was down on last year, organisers said fewer clowns were available as there was a vote in parliament the same day.
$60BN : The amount of money lost as the cryptocurrency, Bitcoin, is devalued to $8000.
$0 : The actual amount, of actual money, which was actually lost.
Lauri Love, the British hacker accused of breaking into FBI and NASA computer systems has won his appeal at the high court. The website of the Crown Prosecution Service reported "He's also a very lovely person, wot never done no one no harm. Honest. Guv".
I particularly like no 1
Quote: lolcov @ 9th February 2018, 2:26 PM
1. Made In Chelsea's Spencer Mathews has proposed to his girlfriend on the stage of a West End's Lion King. Producers say that romantic gesture has left them with an emotional Scar.
2. The BBC have discovered that hundreds of women have incorrectly been given the all clear for cervical cancer. The NHS are calling it a smear campaign.
3. A Spokeswoman for the South Korean winter a Olympics has said relations between the South and North are going downhill fast. Yes, it's called the Luge.
NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. Minus 6 degrees: the predicted low temperature of UK this week.
Minus 1 degree: UKIPS leader, Henry Bolton having been made to take a fake one off his CV.
I liked the number cruncher