Don't inhale.

Hi, my name is Marion and I only discovered this site today. I'm totally new (inexperienced) in comedy writing and would be ever so grateful if someone could do a crit on my little sketch. It's only short and I've only ever written 3 but I'm dying to show it to someone - as the Bishop said to the call girl
Thanks for your advice as I am keen to learn more.

Here we go.-

A GROUP OF HIPPIES SIT ROUND A FIRE. THE ATMOSPHERE IS VERY TENSE. THEY ARE TALKING IN WHISPERS. A YOUNG MAN WITH LONG DREADLOCKS AND MULTICOLOURED CLOTHES APPROACHES THE GROUP AND SITS DOWN, JOINING THE CIRCLE ROUND THE FIRE.

SON. Hi, everyone.

SON IS ATTEMPTING TO KEEP THINGS LIGHT BUT EVERYONE IS QUIETLY HOSTILE. THERE IS A GENERAL MUTTERING OF RESPONSE.

SON. How’s stuff?

MOTHER. I’m sorry?

SON. Stuff, how is it?

MOTHER. Just checking the lie of the land, are you?

SON. Er… I suppose so.

MOTHER. And which lie would that be, then? Would it be this one?

SHE WHIPS OUT A PIECE OF PAPER AND HOLDS IT UP. SHE APPROACHES HIM AND HE TAKES IT FROM HER AND BEGINS TO READ IT.

MOTHER. Or this one?

SHE PUTS HER HAND ON HIS HEAD AND WHIPS OFF THE DREADLOCKED WIG. THERE IS AN AUDIBLE GASP AS SHE REVEALS HIS NEAT HAIRCUT.

MOTHER. You aren’t what you seem, are you, Storm Thor Wildtiger? You’ve changed your name by deed poll. This letter came to me by mistake. You’ve changed your name to Edward Smythe. And now this.

MOTHER HOLDS UP THE WIG. THE HIPPIES GROW ANXIOUS AND THE MUTTERINGS INCREASE TO A THREATENING GROWL.

SON. Yes, you are right. I am a fake hippy. I don’t even inhale marijuana.

HE RIPS HIS FAKE MOUSTACHE AND BEARD FROM HIS FACE PULLS OUT HIS FAKE ROTTEN TEETH AND TEARS AWAY AT HIS FAKE TATTOOS. HE RIPS OFF HIS COLOURFUL OUTFIT TO REVEAL A PINSTRIPE SUIT.

SON. I’m 'Elected Borough Council Man', fighting for the rights of the tax payer. According to the bylaws you are burning this bonfire outside of the permitted zone. Also, I am not comfortable with your health and safety guidelines and environmental health issues of your living on this site according to council guidelines HO1 327 sub section 23/098
.
SON RUNS OFF INTO THE DISTANCE

MOTHER. Aaargh….. Where did I go wrong?

THE REST OF THE GROUP CROWD ROUND HER. SHE SUDDENLY STANDS AMID THE GROUP.

MOTHER. Why couldn’t he have just signed on like all the other kids? Where did I go so very badly wrong? Damn you Edward Smythe, damn you.

Haha

Welcome to the boards and I enjoyed you sketch. I was a little confused at the beginning because it wasnt expalined it was his mother, but once I got it it flowed really well.

Good Work.

Hello Marion and welcome.

I liked it too

If that is one of the first sketches you've written mate, well done. A great start!

Thanks a lot for your encouraging comments. I guess that there have been a few of you watching the rugby as it was like the grave during the game. Just like to well done England!!!! - and well done you folks for being so welcoming. Thank you.

Hi Marion.

Liked your sketch.
Well done you.x

Hello Marion. That is a great sketch. Well done.

Of the three this was my favourite, you have a good writing style and that's important.

Liked it, nice reversal.

This reminds me of the straight-laced friend of mine who's hippy parents used to send her out for weed. She rebelled by getting straight A's and a career in medicine. She's dead now. That last part isn't strictly true, I just like to throw it in there when a conversation is flagging.

Good work and welcome, Marion.