Smitcons 31.10 - 7.11.17

Cule has-beans so c**tgratulations to GAPPY for winkin'. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank pleased.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 -10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - Crindy, Playfull

Your next topic is FUN.
Rules: One entry / vote per human being. Anywank can enter regardless of sexual preference, inside ball measurement or humidity of gums, except Matt Cardle because he has kissed my favourite Spice Girl Mel C.
Can be a sketch, one-liner, song, whatever the f**k you like, as long as 'tis humourous and in some way linked to the topic.
Edit as much as you wank till it closes, i.e. 7.11.17.

Scorebored is now:
40 - Crindy
30 - Gappy
20 - Otterfox
10 - Zepp, Patrick
5 - Playfull

Next stand-up so apologies for any repeat gags.

Hi, my comedy makes you think. You think, He's f**king shit isn't he? Joking: half my stuff is shit, but the other half is shit.
Scientists are developing a way to grow food in outer space. Ain't dat AWESOME? F**k Africa, let's send it all to Mars... I've written an article to warn people against social media addiction. You can find it on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, LinkedInPlus, Google, Googleplus, Googlegroups, Googleplusplus and Googlemaps... Just got some Spam, and I don't mean an unwanted Python sketch. It said, 'I wanna f**k you tonight.' I wrote, 'Great! Get a taxi round, bring some beers and afterwards you pay me.' Happy to help. She hasn't answered back yet. Probably trying to find my flat. So I sent her a link to Googlemaps. And Googleplus, Googlegroups Googlegroupsplus and Google... I started a new Facebook page for people who never have sex so pretetend they'd rather be socialising. It's called 'Ex Pats in Rome'. Ain't they cute? Hahaha, 'Write three things that annoy you in Rome', teeheehee! I wrote, 'Political corruption, priests molesting children, companies that close without paying.' F**k you and your disaster date stories.
Muslims say if you're good, after death you get surrounded by 72 virgins; why would you wanna wake up in the audience at a One Direction gig? My dad keeps lecturing me about my Madonna obsession: I said, 'Papa don't preach.' Anyone else see Madonna's 'still sexy at 56' photoshoot? Ain't she FINE? Ain't she just like totally AWESOME, dude, 56 and she still goddit? No. It's the saddest thing I ever seen in my entire life: a woman of 56 who still wants to get wanked over. (voice) 'Please wank to me... PLEASE, Sir... Look: I have two tits, just like Rihanna, tell me they're not worth a drop of your spunk, Sir. (sob) Tell me you can't tweak and eke out a dribble of jizz for old Madge...' Girl power, eh? I mean, what message are we giving today's female? Like Melania: When people tell you Melania's a strong woman, tell them she puts Donald's foresk between her tonsils. It works. they don't say it to you again. In fact they don't say anything at all to you. Ever. Last time I work at a Kindergarten. Still, one swallow does not make a Summer, but it does mean Melania likes you.
People say, Mike, you're ignorant. And what does that mean?... They say, What's your first memory? It's gone... Why is it when people say, 'Live each day like it's your last', you always wish it WAS their f**king last?
This is my last bit too. I've been very good because I haven't spoken about the Soice Girls. Thank you, I know that's what you want, what you really really want. So the Spice Girls had great songs, but they didn't write them alone. If you read the credits to every Spice Girls song - you need a f**king hobby.
So do I after this. You've been not too bad, glad that's over.

SANJAY: People, people, speak to me! Why is Cadbury World losing money?

JANE: Because it's a stupid idea?

SANJAY: Yeah, yeah, but it's not more stupid than it was a year ago, and we were making cash hand over sticky fist. What changed?

GLEN: We improved it.

SANJAY: We did! We improved it.

JANE: And - just playing devil's advocate here - how did we improve it?

GLEN: We made it more fun.

SANJAY: Exactly! We made it more fun, using the tried and tested method of chocolatiers.

JANE: Which means?

GLEN: Making it smaller.

SANJAY: Durr. Everyone knows a smaller size is a more fun size, in confectionary terms.

GLEN: Yeah. Smaller equals funner, everyone knows that!

JANE: Right. But - just playing devil's advocate for a second - do they? Actually?

SANJAY: It's obvious. It's printed in the smaller chocolate bars. In a smaller font.

GLEN: A funner font.

JANE: Yes. But, I wonder - just as devil's advocate, of course - whether when people buy small chocolate bars, it's because they want small chocolate bars, and not because they want chocolate bars that are more fun. I might even go so far as to say, people don't even believe they're fun, and just put up with the name.

SANJAY: I suppose in some madcap, wrong end of the telescope world that might be true.

JANE: And, further more I would say that - [QUICKLY] sorry, devil's advocate - making a tourist attraction much, much, much smaller, inevitably results in much, much, much less fun, and ergo, much, much, much less money.

GLEN: Wow. I suppose you might be right. I must admit, I thought the 6 yard rollercoaster was fun. And the small wheel. And the bumper shoes. And the haunted door.

JANE: But they weren't.

SANJAY: OK! So, we need a reboot. Let's sink some cash into this baby, and bring it back bigger than ever next year.

JANE: Now you're thinking straight.

GLEN: Great idea. And then, we can get the bestest, coolest celebrity to open it for us. Which celebrity is the most fun?

SANJAY: Logically, I'd say Warwick Davies.

GLEN: I thought Gary Coleman.

JANE: God, you two are f**king stupid.

SANHJAY: Err...devil's advocate?

JANE: You wish.

INT. MEETING ROOM - DAY

Three OFFICE WORKER TYPES sit around a meeting table, wrapping up a meeting.

SUSAN
Ok then, I think we're done here. Any other business?

KAREN
Ah, yes, we need to agree on what we're doing for the office Christmas bash this year.

A chorus of groans from around the table.

KAREN (Cont'd)
What? It'll be fun!

COLIN
Agh, no, don't say that!

KAREN
But it will be fun!

SUSAN
It won't be fun, Karen. Office social events are never fun.

COLIN
Especially when someone actually says 'It'll be fun'!

SUSAN
Yeah, that's the kicker.

KAREN
I think you're both exaggerating.

COLIN
Nope. There's a curse. Remember when we tried to organise that summer BBQ two years ago, and then three people from accounts broke their legs?

KAREN
That was a coincidence!

SUSAN
And that's without mentioning the last Christmas bash we tried to organise.

KAREN
That was going to be fun!

COLIN
I'm sure it was. Until the entire office came down with the norovirus.

SUSAN
Which was doubly unfortunate given the decision we made to go with the chocolate fountain as the centrepiece.

COLIN
And this curse goes back years! I remember when I first joined this company and we were trying to organise a bowling night for the sales team.

KAREN
That sounded like it would have been fun! What went wrong with that?

SUSAN
September 11th.

KAREN
Well, look, this is an overreaction. I refuse to accept that any time we try to do anything fun in this office, some sort of awful tragedy happens. Now: Let's plan this Christmas bash! It's gonna be fun!

Susan suddenly clutches her hand to her chest and collapses.

COLIN
Oh god. I think Susan just died! I told you there was a curse!

KAREN
We should tell her family.

COLIN
Yeah, you should get right on that.

KAREN
Well, we could do it together? Y'know, could--

COLIN
Don't say it!

KAREN
--Be fun?

An ominous crackle of thunder roars from outside. The lights to the meeting room flicker off. Colin and Karen scream in the darkness.

THE END

TRUMP: Ok Mad Dog, what did you want to see me about?

MATTIS: If you don't mind Mr President I prefer General Mattis or just plain General.

TRUMP: You're a General? Wow that is so cool. I should totally make you Secretary for Defence or something.

MATTIS: You already did Mr President. You appointed me Secretary for Defence. That's why I'm here.

TRUMP: So 'Mad Dog' isn't a job title?

MATTIS: No Mr President, it's a nickname my men gave me. Can we please focus on the point Sir.

TRUMP: Of course, what is on your mind.

MATTIS: It has come to my attention that you intend to personally lead a special forces raid to destroy North Korea's nuclear weapons development complex.

TRUMP: Oh you are good, you totally got me. How did you find out?

MATTIS: You tweeted about it last night.

TRUMP: Great fun! Did you like the picture?

MATTIS: Not really Mr President.

TRUMP: It was me. I bet you couldn't tell it was me dressed as a Ninja.

MATTIS: I could see it was you Mr President. And you should know our Special Forces don't dress as Ninjas.

TRUMP: Not even in a camouflage Ninja suit like mine?

MATTIS: Your suit was all Gold Mr President, that really wouldn't work as camouflage.

TRUMP: It worked perfectly in my apartment.

Gappy for a nice fun sized idea.

I must put more effort into my efforts! And not leave until the last minute.

Don;t be hard on yourself, Playfull, that was a nice tight little bit of silliness, would have slipped into an episode of Spitting Image nicely. I also enjoyed Michael's stand-up, some good structure to bring together individual gags, but it is Crindy. for me this week.

Well, this week was fu - aaaargh!

Cool. I did the stand-up in Italian last night and it was good. Strangely, the Madonna bit got the most laughs, probably because Italians like it when you camp things up. They can't always be arsed with irony and wordplay.
Gappy takes Crindy by a pube, not literally.

Yes, gappy this week. Nice sketch.

Thanks for the votes - nice to finally get to parody the term "fun size", a mere 33 years or so after I first heard it.

Things that were factually inaccurate about my sketch

a) Only Mars Corp uses the term, Fun Size, not Cadbury's
b) Cadbury's Wrold isn't actually a theme park, it's a sort of museum thing. Actually looks alright. I'm glad I didn't look that up before writing the sketch.