@Firkin...that 'nice sharing' cruncher is really funny, nice one!
Newsjack Rejects (Autumn 2017) Page 6
Fallout from this week's Day of Judgement:
BREAKING NEWS:
1. After Labour said they had a "grown up" Brexit policy the Tories responded by saying "Our economy's bigger than your economy"
2. Sports stars kneeling down for the US National Anthem have been warned there is a small chance Bill Clinton may be about to enter the room.
3. Bride whose father was struck by lightning at her wedding says "it really was the best day of my life"
NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. 400000: number so far placed on Scottish Police list of people at risk of coming to future harm
Infinity: amount of storage space their database is going to need.
2. 1: apology issued by Uber following the withdrawal of its licence to operate in London
5: apologies required by Transport authorities under surge pricing rules.
3. 1: man convicted of a road rage incident in a school car park
1000: times he was sentenced to write "I must not try to kill teacher"
@BTF....thanks for sharing your thoughts, you're right on the cannabis gag, it's too long and is a bit of a ramble. Wasn't feeling very sharp this week. I thought about the tinnitus punchline, and in hindsight, it would have been funnier. The 'chompy' one just made me laugh because it's so daft but it's way off...nothing like laughing at your own jokes!
My rejects this week...
Teenage boys were very disappointed with the trailer for the new Tomb Raider movie. Lara Croft is famous for one thing, and neither of them appeared in the trailer.
NASA is building a robot to explore the surface of the planet Venus. Although why the Newton Abbott Snooker Association want to do this is unclear.
Quote: Mike X @ 29th September 2017, 5:30 PMTeenage boys were very disappointed with the trailer for the new Tomb Raider movie. Lara Croft is famous for one thing, and neither of them appeared in the trailer.
Quote: Mike X @ 29th September 2017, 5:30 PMMy rejects this week...
Teenage boys were very disappointed with the trailer for the new Tomb Raider movie. Lara Croft is famous for one thing, and neither of them appeared in the trailer.
NASA is building a robot to explore the surface of the planet Venus. Although why the Newton Abbott Snooker Association want to do this is unclear.
Lara Croft very funny.#
NASA - am thinking too clever for radio. Good though
Quote: Danno @ 29th September 2017, 5:03 PM@BTF....thanks for sharing your thoughts, you're right on the cannabis gag, it's too long and is a bit of a ramble. Wasn't feeling very sharp this week. I thought about the tinnitus punchline, and in hindsight, it would have been funnier. The 'chompy' one just made me laugh because it's so daft but it's way off...nothing like laughing at your own jokes!
I am a great one for laughing at my own jokes
Quote: Goalo @ 29th September 2017, 4:09 PMFallout from this week's Day of Judgement:
BREAKING NEWS:
1. After Labour said they had a "grown up" Brexit policy the Tories responded by saying "Our economy's bigger than your economy"
2. Sports stars kneeling down for the US National Anthem have been warned there is a small chance Bill Clinton may be about to enter the room.
3. Bride whose father was struck by lightning at her wedding says "it really was the best day of my life"NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. 400000: number so far placed on Scottish Police list of people at risk of coming to future harm
Infinity: amount of storage space their database is going to need.
2. 1: apology issued by Uber following the withdrawal of its licence to operate in London
5: apologies required by Transport authorities under surge pricing rules.
3. 1: man convicted of a road rage incident in a school car park
1000: times he was sentenced to write "I must not try to kill teacher"
Really liked first three. Don't see why a lot of these in rejects are not broadcastable. Comes down to numbers and taste.
Quote: Thosisd @ 29th September 2017, 11:28 AMOk here's mine. Just had confirmation that it was number one which was scripted and cut. Apparently went down well but was lost for time.
1. After being forced to rebrand, the company behind 'John Lemon' lemonade have announced they are playing it safe with their new product, Juice Springsteen.
2. Katie Price has shut down rumours that she was cheated on by Peter Andre. This follows reports that he often spoke of a mysterious girl.
3. Rio Ferdinand has announced he is excited for his first professional fight despite the fact he is yet to apply for a boxing licence. In other news, I can't wait to pilot my first flight for Ryanair.
1. 5000 - the amount of pounds paid at auction for a pair of Adolf Hitler's underpants.
76 - the amount of pounds Donald Trump needs to lose before he can fit into them.
2. 5000 - the amount of pounds paid at auction for a pair of Adolf Hitler's underpants.
1 - the number of pairs still believed to be held at the Albert Hall.
3. 1 - the number of Brides who interrupted their own wedding to support an anti-Brexit protest.
100% - the likelihood that this is a couple who will remain together.
Hi my personal favourites - the first number cruncher and the first breaking news.
Quote: Thosisd @ 29th September 2017, 11:28 AMOk here's mine. Just had confirmation that it was number one which was scripted and cut. Apparently went down well but was lost for time.
1. After being forced to rebrand, the company behind 'John Lemon' lemonade have announced they are playing it safe with their new product, Juice Springsteen.
2. Katie Price has shut down rumours that she was cheated on by Peter Andre. This follows reports that he often spoke of a mysterious girl.
3. Rio Ferdinand has announced he is excited for his first professional fight despite the fact he is yet to apply for a boxing licence. In other news, I can't wait to pilot my first flight for Ryanair.
1. 5000 - the amount of pounds paid at auction for a pair of Adolf Hitler's underpants.
76 - the amount of pounds Donald Trump needs to lose before he can fit into them.
2. 5000 - the amount of pounds paid at auction for a pair of Adolf Hitler's underpants.
1 - the number of pairs still believed to be held at the Albert Hall.
3. 1 - the number of Brides who interrupted their own wedding to support an anti-Brexit protest.
100% - the likelihood that this is a couple who will remain together.
Hi my personal favourites - the first number cruncher and the first breaking news.
Quote: Damian B @ 29th September 2017, 12:23 PMSolid jokes. Would probably make the cut any other week.
Some of my rejects were:
Manchester United fans have been urged to stop singing a song about the size of Romelu
Lukaku's penis. A fans' spokesperson said the whole thing was a misunderstanding, as
they were merely praising his glorious tackle.10,000: The number of EU nationals who have quit the NHS since the Brexit referendum.
100,000: The number of Brexit supporters who, ironically, can't now get a doctor's
appointment till March 2019.18 billion: The figure offered by Theresa May to secure Britain's release from the EU.
19 billion: The figure offered by Manchester City.
my favourite is number 2.
the football one - what is the 19 billion for? It is me - a bit thick and have had a Friday drink or two. Sound like Angela and her bottles of vodka.
Quote: Michael Hughes @ 28th September 2017, 7:37 PMAny thoughts?
INTRO: South African politician, Helen Zille, caused a stir this week after she said that she only showered once every three days to conserve water in her drought ridden town. I personally think that saving water is hugely important, but I'll tell you who doesn't - Brad Pitt. He's not replied to a single one of my 436 requests to drink his bathwater. I wonder if the Zille's love life is fairing any better...
HUSBAND: Helen, there's something I need to tell you.
HELEN: Yes?
HUSBAND: There's no easy way to say this... but I've been cheating.
HELEN: What?
HUSBAND: I've been going to hotels and...and...
HELEN: Spit it out.HUSBAND: I've been showering behind your back.
HELEN: You filthy animal.
HUSBAND: Actually, no I'm very clean.
HELEN: I thought I smelled soap on you when you came home last night! How could this happen?
HUSBAND: I was away on a business trip and I met Electra.
HELEN: Electra?
HUSBAND: The Electra 3000 power shower.
HELEN: How could you?
HUSBAND: A man has needs, Helen! When I get in her she's warm and wet, with these two big round nozzles that you can put your head between...
HELEN: Spare me the sordid details.
HUSBAND: I never meant to hurt you.
HELEN: Here I am doing everything I can to save water ...I had to wring out your sweaty pants just so I could brush my teeth last night.
HUSBAND: Just turn on the tap.
HELEN: Never!
HUSBAND: Ok, listen, I was wondering... how about you and me go to a hotel and we try out Electra together.
HELEN: A threesome?
HUSBAND: It's my biggest fantasy.
HELEN: Then you should have come home early yesterday.
HUSBAND: Why?
HELEN: (angrily) 'Cos I was shagging the milkman.
END
There are definitely things I like but I wonder if there are too many 'rude' things for Newsjack. They have put the word shag on the show before, however.
Quote: Stobbart42 @ 29th September 2017, 12:54 AMHere are my rejects for week 3:
Feedback gratefully received.1. The Kurds have come out in large numbers to vote for independence. There were celebrations in the street as they finally got to vote for their own shelf away from the Jams and the Marmalades.
2. It has been announced that Bruce Willis will return as John Mclane for a Die Hard prequel. Matt Damon is set to co-star in the film, entitled Bourne Hard.
3. Japan's prime minister Shinzo Abe has called for a snap election. Ouch!
I am really not the brightest at getting jokes - hence my lack of success probably. I didn't get gag 3. I get 2 but I am not sure the Bourne/born would come over on radio - maybe too subtle.
I like the Kurds - my type of joke but I wonder if kurds is not a widely known word in terms of it's jam association.
Thanks for the feedback everyone. Hope we all have better luck with episode 101!
My 'efforts' this week:
1. UK's oldest seaside postcard firm set to close - they're not having a great time and you certainly don't get many of them to the pound.
2. Uber boss apologises after London ban and says change is on the way. It'll be there in 5 minutes as it's just at the end of the street.
3. Labour claims grown-up Brexit stance - as opposed to the Conservative's one which is 'stupid' and 'pooey'
NUMBER CRUNCHING:
13 - percentage of vote won by far right in German election
Nein - what they all said to the idea of further immigration.
Quote: BTF @ 29th September 2017, 7:22 PMmy favourite is number 2.
the football one - what is the 19 billion for? It is me - a bit thick and have had a Friday drink or two. Sound like Angela and her bottles of vodka.
I was trying to allude to Man City's tendency to outbid other teams indiscriminately for players on the continent. I'll not lie, it's a shit joke.
Quote: Exe Chris @ 29th September 2017, 8:45 PM13 - percentage of vote won by far right in German election
Nein - what they all said to the idea of further immigration.
Clever, funny, topical.
My number crunchers never get anywhere near that level.
Quote: BTF @ 29th September 2017, 3:57 PMThanks. I agree with all your points.
[snip]
I really liked the tinny joke. Maybe a play on tinnitus?
I thought it was a reference to Cornish tin mines -- perhaps a bit too esoteric.
Quote: Firkin @ 29th September 2017, 1:30 PMBigger Piece the brevity of the first two is definatly helping this week. Liked #1 and also your avatar.
Any and all feedback welcome on my rejects to date:BREAKING NEWS:
1. A school on the Irish border has been ordered to close, despite being the only school offering a GCSE in tunnelling.2. Japan are behind on their 2019 Rugby World Cup preparations. They trail North Korea by 2 convertions.
3. A short video criticising the Liverpool FC's manager has gone viral, for more details google "clip Klopp".
NUMBER CRUNCHING
7: the number arrested for the London bucket bombing.
2: the number still at large, as it was a 9 piece family bucket.30: The percentage of primary schools in cash deficit.
70: The percentage of primary schools not doing nice sharing.4.1 million: The number of objects Denver Museum currently hold.
4 million: The number of those objects that were left after school trips.
I like #1 for its cleverness; the other two didn't really "click" for me.
Ditto the first number cruncher, but I think it's too sensitive a topic at the moment, not least because it's still subject to an ongoing investigation.
Quote: Exe Chris @ 29th September 2017, 8:45 PMMy 'efforts' this week:
1. UK's oldest seaside postcard firm set to close - they're not having a great time and you certainly don't get many of them to the pound.
I think there's potential here, but it might've been sharpened up: perhaps working in a reference to their share value plummeting in the set up before clamping it shut with the killer punchline.
For some reason cannot do the quote thing with this post - the 'nein' joke was very good but I think there was a Merkel joke number cruncher along the lines of 'nine' 'nein'. Maybe it was last series.
Maybe they wouldn't put it in for that reason...even if it had been a week when number crunchers were in the show.
Thanks for the comments about my Lego Football Coach getting the sack sketch. I accept it may have been too legally delicate subject. I should have detected a pattern: I submitted a sketch about Tony Blackburn getting the sack way back; that never got on. However, my sketch about lego prosthetics did get on! So, the lesson for us all: Dismissals-bad; Lego- Fine!
[quote name="Exe Chris" post="1180286" date="29th September 2017, 8:45 PM"]My 'efforts' this week:
3. Labour claims grown-up Brexit stance - as opposed to the Conservative's one which is 'stupid' and 'pooey'
Really good gag!
No joy for mine this week:
Reverend Richard Coles scores 17 in first round of Strictly Come Dancing. Judges tell him he must keep his Psalms flat.
Wind turbine stolen from Welsh village. No leads have yet been generated.
35,000: number of fans that attended an Elvis festival in South Wales.
10: number of fans that cancelled a trip to a nearby colliery due to suspicious mines.