Newsjack Rejects (Autumn 2017) Page 11

@Thosisd - I like your Pizza Hut one the best. Maybe it just needed one more topper. (Geddit?)

@Bigger Piece - I loved your Stormophilia one. Wish I'd thought of it. Also your river 'severn' radioactive joke made me chuckle.

Here are my latest unfortunate victims of BBC neglect:

BREAKING NEWS:

1. A new hard drive will store up to 40 terabytes of data using microwaves. It's perfect for storing millions of photos. Just don't take any pictures of cutlery.

2. An expert has come forward to debunk Donald Trump's "calm-before-the-storm" comments as pure make-believe. "There is definitely NOT a storm coming," said meteorologist Michael Fish.

3. Hillary Clinton has cancelled a number of U.K. TV appearances. After falling over she needed the aid of a crutch. Unlike her husband Bill, who prefers an aide in his crotch.

NUMBER CRUNCHING

1.
33 - Number of years Crimewatch was on the air.
0 - Chance I will ever get to be on TV now that Crimewatch has been cancelled :-(

2.
2 - The number of new female engines to be added to Thomas the Tank's list of friends.
300 - The number of pairs of wheels they each own.

And a brace of sketchy sketches:

BUFFOONERY ABOUNDS

GRAMS: SLADE: MAMA, WEER ALL CRAZEE NOW

ANGELA: Not only is it the end of the series, but it's also the end of times. The prophecies in the Book of Revelations are being fulfilled as we see a worrying increase in the number of earthquakes, along with war and economic collapse, not to mention an orange buffoon leading the world to oblivion. Very orange. The best orange. Believe me.

FX: VIOLENT THUNDER STORM

LUKE: As we know from Hollywood, one swallow doth not a summer make, and similarly one fish doth not a plague constitute, but something definitely weird seems to have been going on in Bournemouth. A fisherman who tried to kiss a Dover sole was surprised when the fish jumped into his mouth and attempted to swim down his throat.

Paramedics managed to save the fisherman, but the Dover sole was not so lucky.

MANDI: A man who drinks a lot of tea has changed his name by deed-poll to Nathan 'Yorkshire Tea' Garner. Meanwhile, I have an old boyfriend who doesn't need a deed poll to adopt the middle name "farty".

JASON: Firemen in Germany were called to a gym in the city of Worms after an enthusiastic weight-lifter got part of himself stuck in a 2.5Kg weight. Somewhat ironically, the firemen had to use a grinder to remove the dumbbell before reminding weightlifters to stick to more conventional lifting techniques.

ANGIE: And finally, a Psychology student found out his mum liked watching fruity video clips when, in a phone call, she told him she had seen him having sex with an unknown redhead on the platform of a tube station in a viral video. As the video garnered eight thousand re-tweets, British Transport Police prosecuted the miscreant who was found guilty of outraging public decency, even though his video performance lasted only 90 seconds.

No, I am not the unknown redhead in the video, and I am looking forward to meeting my audience again sometime soon in the next series!

Thank you and good night!

FX: VIOLENT THUNDER STORM

ENDS

THE INNIT PROGRAMME

CONTINUITY: And next on BBC Radio Four Super Plus Ultra, as part of the BBC's ongoing inclusivity initiative, John Humphrys, Sarah Montague and Mishal Hussein reach out to a diverse audience with a special woke AF look at news and current affairs with The Innit Programme.

HUMPHRYS: Blood. Sup fam? Today on Innit we is gonna see what's up, yeah? Mishal?

MISHAL: Wigger. Yo. Fo sho. Brexit Secretary David Davies say "me gonna cap the EU chulo dem". Shadow Brexit Secretary Keir Starmer say "chill".

HUMPHRYS: Savage. High key.

MISHAL: Same. Sis?

SARAH: Hunty. [sotto voce] Extra. There are ongoing calls for Theresa May to reshuffle the cabinet and for Foreign Secretary Bozzer or Chancellor Phillip Hammond to be cancelled? Dad?

HUMPRHYS: Later on the Poonani Show, Jenni Murray gonna talk fleek and fly frocks for the sistren dem.

MISHAL: Snatched.

SARAH: Goals. A report out today suggests millennials are not able to communicate as effectively as they would like due to the limited number of emojis available for their smartphones. The BBC's Technology Correspondent, Rory Cellan-Jones filed this report:

RORY: I'm dead.

SARAH: Basic.

HUMPHRYS: So done.

MISHAL: Cancelled.

FX: PIPS (DISTORTED AND TRUNCATED)

ENDS

Like the Thomas one. Was wanting to cover that story myself. Photos of cutlery my favourite.

Here we are again....

Brexit news and prime minister, Theresa May, is set to backtrack on her Florence speech. Why she insisted on involving characters from the Magic Roundabout in the first place is still anyone's guess?

Ireland sees a huge spike in dungaree sales after population told to brace itself ahead of hurricane Ophelia.

Talk show host, James Corden, has apologised for making Harvey Weinstein jokes at a recent LA gala event where he was even more embarrassed to have been mistaken for him.

100: The number of feet survived by a boy who slipped over the railings at Niagara Falls while posing for a photo.
0: The number of boys in the photo.

As always feel free to join me in adding your rejects to twitter. #newsjackrejects

It's a good exercise in editing down your one-liners to fit the character limit.

Lots to laugh about here...
@thosisd...The Springsteen cruncher made me chuckle
@BiggerPicture...Stormophilia is clever, like it
@Stobbart42...The Hilary Clinton one is a riot and Crimewatch also had me lol
I'm not really qualified to comment on sketches, I tried two myself this week which I thought were 'okay'. They take up the lion's share of the show and the competition is fierce considering you've also got commissioned writers working on their own ideas. The idea seems key to it, if you can come up with an original one, one the script writers fall in love with, they'll help make it work. Sometimes it's all about the voices and the acting, sometimes it's just really good writing.
As for the oneliners, I caught the first ten minutes of the show last night and not for the first time I heard a joke that I'd scribbled down as an initial idea but thought it was too obvious despite being worth a laugh, so I'm still none the wiser. The submissions desk must get swamped, so it's just c'est la vie.
Hope to catch you all again soon, good luck in the meantime and we'll see what the future holds.

Ed Sheeran has broken his arm and will be unable to perform for the foreseeable future...and you thought this show only covered bad news.

Facebook announces plans to spend millions of pounds combating bullying in schools. It's going to pay for it by nicking Twitter's dinner money.

67 - The number of days until Christmas, when peace and happiness will spread across the world bringing joy to everyone. 66 - The number of days until Donald Trump starts World War 3, just to really rub it in everyone's face.

Until next series...

Final rejects for the series:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. After Hurricane Ophelia batters the west coast of Scotland, disappointed Glaswegians complain that there's nothing left for them to deep fry.

2. Mike Ashley's proposed sale of Newcastle United falls through at the last minute when the Barcodes fail to scan.

3. BBC program Crimewatch has been axed - police are unable to make an appeal for witnesses.

NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. 33 - the number of years Crimewatch was on our screens before it was axed
33 - the number of years we did have nightmares and didn't sleep well

2. 2 - the number of neutron stars that smashed into each other, demonstrating Einstein's Waves
217 - the number of related whiplash claims submitted