Bigger Piece
Monday 18th September 2017 7:18pm
Cockermouth
137 posts
I sent in close to a full-set -- three one liners, three number crunchers and a sketch.
(Did you hear about the three one liners, three number crunchers and the sketch that walked into a submission? They all sank without trace!)
BREAKING NEWS:
1. An Amazon parcel packer whose engagement ring was returned after it was accidentally sent to a customer in a box of books is said to be getting fed up with the number of times she's been asked to leave feedback on her experience.
2. Self-styled Australian pagan and ecological "Sex Witch" Shaney Marie is offering a series of sexuality workshops in Europe in September. Shaney Marie says the eco-sexual workshops are aimed at both singles and couples with an interest in ecology as "more and more people are starting to dip their toes in it".
3. Following the news of an examination scandal involving some of Britain's top public schools, a public petition has been launched demanding that all Boris Johnson's Eton exams are re-marked.
NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. It's been two years since her last album, 1989 and, in a bid to prevent ticket touts profiting from re-selling her concert tickets, pop's most precocious poppet, Taylor Swift, has announced a scheme to validate "true fans" by pre-selling her next album, Reputation, as-yet-unrecorded and un-released, at a cost of $60. Fans will be able to buy multiple copies of the album, along with other Swiftly-marketed merchandise, to earn more loyalty points. Critics have described the scheme as a race to the bottom.
2. The ComRes Survey for BBC Radio 5 Live asserts 80% of Britons in work are "proud" of their jobs. But, as over a million people a week are forced to use Britain's growing number of foodbanks--many of whom are precariously employed--we extrapolated from Trussell Trust figures related to the distribution of emergency food supplies to suggest the ComRes survey is 100% wrong.
3. A petition of 23,000 signatures called for the expulsion of a Cambridge University student who was captured on Snapchat burning a £20 note in front of a homeless man earlier this year. The first year Law student was suspended but, after writing a letter of apology to fellow students of Pembroke College for bringing the university into disrepute, he has been allowed to continue his studies and returns to college this term. Unlike the homeless man he taunted, Ronald Coyne is one lucky bastard.
(I can't do number crunchers either!)