Newsjack Rejects (Autumn 2017)

I thought maybe we could have a single thread for dumping all our Newsjack rejects and giving feedback. Might be tidier than having a whole bunch of new threads popping up every week.

I'm also going to use the hashtag #newsjackrejects on Twitter, which I see some people have use in the past. We should all do that.

That's just my 2 cents though. Feel free to dump yours here or make a new thread :-D

Anyway. Here are my rejected one liners.

BREAKING NEWS:
1. Robots are to start replacing teachers within ten years. They will be introduced to schools with a special assembly.
2. Police officers' pay cap is to be lifted so that pregnant women can use it for the toilet.
3. London police will start using a drone to search for cannabis factories. Officers have admitted they just want to see how high it can get.

NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. 57,000: Number of participants in the Great North Run.
56,999: Number of people who are sick and tired of that "mobot" pose.
2. 124 million: the number of opening-weekend dollars earned by Stephen King's IT.
124 million: the number of other books written by Stephen King.

Any critique or feedback (or even praise) would be gratefully received. Thanks in advance :-D

Number 2 is my favourite, a funny and clever little gag.

Good idea to keep all the Newsjack Rejects in one place! These are mine...

BREAKING NEWS:

Ofsted have investigated training company LearnDirect and rated them as "inadequate". Their management denied this and said - "We do teaching good"

The CEO of Scalextric has been sacked. The Board of Directors said that he was driving the company forward too fast and it kept going off track.

NUMBER CRUNCHING

6 out of 10 - the number of people who don't know the cost of their broadband. 10 out of 10 - the number of people who know that access to all that free porn is priceless.

Zero - the number of noses my dog has. One - the number of dogs that smell terrible.

A few years ago there was a live show, Radio Rejects: they wanted sketches sent to the Beeb but rejected. It made for a great cover letter:'Hi. I sent this to some professionals and they all thought it was shit. Hope you like it.'

This week's seeds cast upon barren ground...

BREAKING NEWS:

1. Paul Hollywood has apologised for dressing as a Nazi. Not the only time he's chosen the wrong side in a bitter, divisive conflict.

2. The new Titanic Hotel has opened in Belfast. Early visitors to the rooms said they were impressed by the massive sink.

3. Americans are being advised not to shoot at hurricanes. Anyone wanting to take aim at a mass of hot air is advised to head for Washington instead.

NUMBER CRUNCHING

1. 20: The number of clowns who turned up to protest their negative portrayal in IT.
1: The number of cars they used to get there.

2. 143 million: The number of people's records affected by the Equifax hack
0: The amount of credit anyone will get by stealing my identity

3. 8.8 million: The viewing figures for the Strictly launch
SEVEN!: ...What? I just miss Len, alright?

Some of my rejected one-liners. Back to the drawing board...

1) Half a million people forced to leave south Florida without warning. That's nothing to do with Hurricane Irma. It's just the government rounding up kids for deportation.

2) Harriet Harman demands MPs be given six months' maternity and paternity leave. As it will enable people like Boris Johnson to bring up a child with another man's wife.

I sent in just two one liners this week:

Birmingham bin strike leads to a great pile of expensive rubbish going nowhere. Aston Villa fan said it's something he's gotten used to.

Big Ben shut down for repairs. Not the first time we've seen a bell end in London.

@MikeX I like the Scalextric one. Did the CEO really get fired, though? I couldn't find that news story.

@AndyGilder. I really like the clown one. Good stuff.

@DamienB both jokes are quite good. I think they could be tightened up though, to make then snappier.

@PatrickRobinson I LOL'ed at the Big Ben one.

Quote: Stobbart42 @ 16th September 2017, 5:32 AM

@DamienB both jokes are quite good. I think they could be tightened up though, to make then snappier.

View original

I know what you mean. Although I tend to hesitate omitting too much in the set-up for fear of people not understanding the premise - especially if they're unfamiliar with that particular story.

[quote name="Stobbart42"

@PatrickRobinson I LOL'ed at the Big Ben one.[/quote]

Many thanks. Patrick.

I sent in close to a full-set -- three one liners, three number crunchers and a sketch.

(Did you hear about the three one liners, three number crunchers and the sketch that walked into a submission? They all sank without trace!)

BREAKING NEWS:

1. An Amazon parcel packer whose engagement ring was returned after it was accidentally sent to a customer in a box of books is said to be getting fed up with the number of times she's been asked to leave feedback on her experience.

2. Self-styled Australian pagan and ecological "Sex Witch" Shaney Marie is offering a series of sexuality workshops in Europe in September. Shaney Marie says the eco-sexual workshops are aimed at both singles and couples with an interest in ecology as "more and more people are starting to dip their toes in it".

3. Following the news of an examination scandal involving some of Britain's top public schools, a public petition has been launched demanding that all Boris Johnson's Eton exams are re-marked.

NUMBER CRUNCHING
1. It's been two years since her last album, 1989 and, in a bid to prevent ticket touts profiting from re-selling her concert tickets, pop's most precocious poppet, Taylor Swift, has announced a scheme to validate "true fans" by pre-selling her next album, Reputation, as-yet-unrecorded and un-released, at a cost of $60. Fans will be able to buy multiple copies of the album, along with other Swiftly-marketed merchandise, to earn more loyalty points. Critics have described the scheme as a race to the bottom.

2. The ComRes Survey for BBC Radio 5 Live asserts 80% of Britons in work are "proud" of their jobs. But, as over a million people a week are forced to use Britain's growing number of foodbanks--many of whom are precariously employed--we extrapolated from Trussell Trust figures related to the distribution of emergency food supplies to suggest the ComRes survey is 100% wrong.

3. A petition of 23,000 signatures called for the expulsion of a Cambridge University student who was captured on Snapchat burning a £20 note in front of a homeless man earlier this year. The first year Law student was suspended but, after writing a letter of apology to fellow students of Pembroke College for bringing the university into disrepute, he has been allowed to continue his studies and returns to college this term. Unlike the homeless man he taunted, Ronald Coyne is one lucky bastard.

(I can't do number crunchers either!)

Last week's overlong rejects from me, I'm posting them here as procrastination against writing this week's rejects:

BREAKING NEWS:
1. As American gun owners announced plans to fire bullets into Hurricane Irma, authorities warned against needless, self-inflicted wounds that would result in ridicule around the world. Residents demanded to know why this advice was not given before last year's election.
2. Flooding from Hurricane Irma has turned parts of Florida into a murky swamp, infested with poisonous snakes and vicious alligators. President Trump's Florida resorts were largely unaffected, with the Hurricane saying there was little work left for it to do.
3. Birmingham's council leader has resigned over a failure to collect rubbish. Sources say he's been sent to Coventry.

NUMBER CRUNCHING
1% - annual pay awards imposed on nurses, teachers, police and firefighters over the past five years;
1% - the proportion of nurses, teachers, police and firefighters likely to stay in the job another five years if this doesn't improve.

@BiggerPiece. I think you've misunderstood the format of the number crunchers. Look at how other people have done it:

Number X: a description explaining number X (setup).
Number Y: a description explaining number Y (punchline).

These are my rejects from week one

BREAKING NEWS:

Google street view gets a quality boost. The image is sharper, but it's still like playing real world version of Doom that occasionally lurches into hyperspace.

Jacob Rees-Mogg says he opposes same sex marriage because of what it says in the bible. He went on to say that he speaks like it's the 1930s because of Enid Blyton and dresses like Slugworth because of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory.

Photos of Paul Hollywood in Nazi uniform have surfaced this week. Apparently he dressed as character from 'Allo 'Allo for a party where he got terribly drunk and started a fight with someone dressed as Jonesy from Dad's Army.

NUMBER CRUNCHING

9.4 Million: The amount people who tuned into the new look Great British Bake Off.
30%: The amount that audience who thought "my god, Mel and Sue have let themselves go."

140 million: The amount of Americans affected by the Equifax breech.
1: The amount of US Presidents wondering if he can blame it on the Russians.

50% of retirement homes make a financial loss.
(LOUDER AND SLOWER) 50% of retirement homes make a financial loss, dear

Police in Magaluf have arrested 100 people for having sex in public, or which Brits got 12 fines. The French got 20 adequates. But the Italians managed 30 excellents.

As "Bake Off" moves to Channel 4, initial ratings have been good. Producers hope this continues so they can avoid getting a soggy bottom line.

Churches have added karaoke machines to replace hymn books across the UK. When ask if this was common within the church, a spokesperson said "It's not usual"

£10 : The amount of money in my account
£8.01 : The amount of money I can actually get after the machine charges me £1.99 for the privilege

2.4 billion : The number of euro Google must pay in fines for breaching European competition law.
47 : The number of minutes it will take to recoup their losses.