So, we all know that our finger nails are fastened to our
fingers with glue, as ripping them off is so difficult.
(Apparently). But how strong is this glue, and if you sniffed
it to get high, would that be illegal? I mean it's your finger
glue, right? However, you could argue that the legality
doesn't matter, as no one in their right mind would rip their
nails off and sniff their mangled digits, anyway. But is that
ALWAYS the case? What if one can't afford their own adhesives,
for example? Tragically, there are many unfortunate souls who
feel like outcasts, and consequently feel so much despair,
they become vagabonds. All they have for comfort is the loose
change of passers by, and their own bloodied mess of what they
call 'hands'. (Or 'haaaaggghhhhhnds!!!!! OW! OW! OW!') One of
my worst memories, was when I walked passed a vagrant and
twenty jets of blood sprayed towards me from his two hands and
feet. The look on his face still haunts me, to this day. Had
it been obvious to him that he was committing two crimes,
maybe the whole sorry situation never would have happened.
As I'm sure you'll agree, that anecdote makes a formidable
case. The case for the illegalisation of getting high from
one's own natural solvents and using one's fingers and toes as
jet streams. (I've just found out those acts aren't prohibited
#research). So what to do? Write to parliament? No point. They
have bigger things to worry about. When I shared my story with
an MP via email, I just got a reply saying 'lol'. Therefore,
we must take matters into our own hands. If you see a hobo
with no nails getting blood all over your clothes, you must
act firmly and seriously. 'I know you are going through a
tough time right now, but you are dealing with your problems
in a really maladaptive way,' you must say. You then kindly
produce a Pritt Stick from your pocket, and get to work.
Gruesome, I know, but the tramp's gratitude will be so immense
you will have effectively cured him. Well, that's the theory,
and it can't hurt to test it out. I will be the guinea pig...
Ok, I know this makes me sound bad, but when I couldn't find
any injured tramps in my London travels, I considered
manipulating the homeless into drug using. I stared at their
fingers and nodded up and down with enthusiasm. I then
produced my glue stick, with a wink that suggested everything
would be alright. None of this worked. I then said 'did you
hear about the time Zakk Wylde ripped his nail off when
playing guitar? He didn't even feel anything!' To get the
homeless in the mood, I continued by saying 'I'm so high right
now' loudly. I then whispered 'on life' afterwards, to cover
myself, just in case any sneaky policemen were nearby. Again,
I was wasting my time. However... A stroke of luck! A tramp
eventually became so eager to stick his two fingers up at me,
he caught his nail on his trouser zip and ripped the thing
off. 'AAAAAAAAARGGHHHS!!!!!!' followed. It was my time to
shine, I ran up to the victim and got busy.
'Are you cured?!' I shouted, when finished. 'WHAT?' the tramp
responded. 'ARE YOU CURED??' I continued, manically. 'YES,
YES!', he responded, again.
So there you have it, I was right about my theory. I hope
you've learnt something from it; until a couple of new laws
get thier approval, that is and you no longer have to worry.
Until then, maybe you can be brave like me and try and get
government backing. Oh, and the answer to my first question:
How strong is finger glue? Very strong. Take the tramp I
asked's word for it, and don't find out for yourself. You'll
only regret it. To sum up, here's a list of funny dog names...
(Each can either be a forename or a surname, have fun
combining them).... Wolfington, Scruff, Clevernose,
Bonechewer, Muddypaw, Strongtooth, Floppyears, etc.
Byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
If I ever get a Cocker Spaniel I'm calling it Clevernose Floppyears.