A couple of interviews with myself. Hope you like...
Simon: Hello, nice meeting you.
Simon: Likewise.
Simon: So, to break the ice, do you sleep with the curtains
open or closed?
Simon: Actually, my windows have blinds...
Simon: Forgive me, do you sleep with your blinds open or
closed?
Simon: Open, that way I get a boost of vitamin D from the sun,
in the morning.
Simon: Anyway, about your book, 'The Danger of Proverbs'...
What inspired you to write it?
Simon: Nothing really, I just got the urge to start writing. I
thought it would be something interesting to do, then I got
more and more into it. I got a lot of the ideas from things
that have happened to me, but I made the written events
crazier. For example, I was once worried about Lyme disease.
At my doctor's appointment, the doctor had to get help from
the internet to find out about the condition. I made jokes
about that. It's cheating really, to use computers, isn't it?
Simon: You can't get the staff can you?
Simon: Right, exactly.
Simon: So how long did it take you to write your book?
Simon: I wrote it on and off for a little over three years,
but I guess about seven or eight months of work went to it, in
total.
Simon: Professional writers sometimes only need four months...
Were you just being lazy?
Simon: Doesn't matter, I got it done and yes.
Simon: Anyway, what's your favourite quote the book?
Simon: 'NOT ONLY HAVE YOU TRIED TO BREAK OUT, YOU'VE ATTACKED
ANOTHER FUCKING SWAN!' I thought that whole misunderstanding
was funny. I also liked the bit about the doctor mixing up
antibiotics with probiotics, and trying to treat his patient
with yogurt.
Simon: I only asked for one quote...
Simon: Oh...
Simon: What's your favourite scene?
Simon: Hmm... Maybe 'the friendly break in', the climax of my
book...
Simon: The climax was placed in a bit of a strange place,
wasn't it? Usually it should be around three quarters of the
way through, not at the end? Was there any reason for that?
Simon: Should be. It wasn't, though. There was no real reason.
Simon: Well, whatever. And your use of a five act structure...
What inspired that?
Simon: Nothing, it just kind of happened.
Simon: Ok. What do you think is the weirdest thing about your
book?
Simon: It has to be the weird screenplay-like format, doesn't
it?
Simon: And why did you choose to write in that style?
Simon: That's a very interesting question.
Simon: Care to elaborate?
Simon: Um...
Simon: It's ok, I have plenty of time...
Simon: Well, my book has loads and loads of dialogue...
Simon: Mm-hm...
Simon: So, y'know.
Simon: Ok. I'm clearly making you anxious, so...
Simon: No, it's just that I...
Simon: ... So, I'll move on. What's your favourite colour?
Simon: With respect, aren't you choosing your questions in a
bit of a structureless way?
Simon: You can talk.
Simon: Touche.
Simon: So...?
Simon: Dark green. The colour of arrogance, apparently.
Simon. No shit. And who's your favourite character in your
project?
Simon: Probably Sir George.
Simon: And your favourite quote from him? Just the one,
please.
Simon: Maybe the bit with the Reasonable Food's boss, where he
tells George to just sit down and do nothing, and he says
something like 'I think I may understand why your company has
been losing money...'
Simon: I don't get it...
Simon: Well, you need the proper set up for it...
Simon: Can you give it to us, please?
Simon: No, you will have to pay for the book.
Simon: Na.
Simon: Can't win them all...
Simon: Surely it would be a good idea to win at least once...
Simon: Well, I haven't started marketing or anything, yet...
Simon: Fair enough. Do you have any ideas for a sequel to
TDoP?
Simon: Yes, I've written about a quarter of the first draft,
but I stopped writing it a long time, ago, so I could write
'One Screwy Week', instead. I figured 'what if no one likes
TDoP? Well, they're certainly not going to want to know about
my sequel.
Simon: Common sense, isn't it?
Simon: Yep.
Simon: So why did it take you so long to come to that
conclusion?
Simon: It just did ok, you're supposed to be making me look
good, aren't you?
Simon: I think you're very funny.
Simon: Thanks.
Simon: I think I've heard enough from you, thanks for your
time. Is there anything you want to add?
Simon: Hmm. I guess just that everyone should totally buy my
book, as it is just so wonderful.
Simon: Excellent stuff. Alright, thanks again.
Simon. No, no, thank you...
Simon: Guten tag, Simon!
Simon: Bonjour.
Simon: So... I hear you've started up a Facebook fan page for
the program, 'Unsubscribe'...
Simon: I have indeed. No icebreaker in this interview?
Simon: Of course. What's your favourite curry?
Simon: Good old chicken tikka masala. Not particularly
adventurous but it's classic for a reason, I guess.
Simon: Not too hot, eh?
Simon: Nope, if masochism's your thing, go for a phall.
Simon: Ouch. So, who's your favourite character from
Unsubscribe?
Simon: You mean who's hair is fluffiest?
Simon: Yeah, about that. What's with the hair fixation? On
your page, I noticed you mentioning people's hair on several
occasions...
Simon: You know eyes are the window of the soul?
Simon: Yes...
Simon: Hair is the padding of the brain...
Simon: What does that mean?
Simon: It's a philosophical argument. You have to think deeply
about it.
Simon: Ah... I think I get it...
Simon: You do? What's your interpretation? It doesn't make me
sound peculiar, does it?
Simon: No, I don't get it really.
Simon: Neither do I.
Simon: Thought so.
Simon: Whoops.
Simon: Ok. Simon, on your page, you claim that Candy et al,
have cheesy smiles. You add that each smile reminds you of a
different cheese, for example camembert. Can you REALLY look
at someone's grin and say what kind of cheese it is?
Simon: Of course I can.
Simon: So, Julia Roberts, a woman famous for her smile...
Simon: Is she?
Simon: According to google... Julia Roberts, then. Any
thoughts?
Simon: Brie.
Simon: You sound confident...
Simon: Sure am...
Simon: How did you come to that conclusion?
Simon: If I told you that, I'd be out of work.
Simon: You're saying that people pay you to tell them what
kinds cheese their smiles are?
Simon: Some people are very self-absorbed.
Simon: I bet. Oh, I forgot, who's hair IS fluffiest?
Simon: Good question. To be honest, I can only speculate. I've
never had the chance to run my fingers through any of the
character's hair.
Simon: Is that something you'd like to do?
Simon: Yes, but not in a weird way.
Simon: What kind of way?
Simon: An analytical way. Like a kind of... trichologist, I
guess.
Simon: Nice word.
Simon: Thanks, I got it from google. It's a very tinny word,
though...
Simon: Was that a Monty Python reference?
Simon: It was indeed.
Simon: Shouldn't we be sticking to Unsubscribe?
Simon: Mmmmm...
Simon: Last question... You come across one of Unsubscribe's
stars in the street, and you tell them how great they are.
They tell you to prove your dedication, by asking for a gift.
In particular, they ask you for a pen of your choice.
When pen do you give them?
Simon: Interesting question. I wouldn't give them a biro,
because they break all the time, and I mean ALL the time...
Markers are too bulky and fountain pens need topping up
constantly. Maybe I'd give them a highlighter? They may be
bulky, but they are colourful and reliable...
Simon: Simon, thanks for your time.
Simon: No problem.
I felt they were to long, but interesting idea. If you throw in time travel to the mix. It might have the potential to make a good sketch.
I could turn it into a sketch, I guess... Thanks for reading.