Skrumptessing 8 - 16.8.17

Cool has-beans so congratulations to CRINDY for wanking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Crindy
2 - 5 - Patrick Robinson
1 - 1 - Gappy

Your next subject is SPONSORSHIP (chosen by Gappy).
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 16.8.17

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 55 - Crindy
2 - 36 - Gappy
3 - 10 - Patrick Robinson, me
4 - 5 - Otterfox

The rewards of writing without sponsorship are rarely commercial, only occasionally critical, and never tangible. They're something far more intense, deeper, more personal... The Muse seldom visits, but when she does, treasure it and live it and love it. Maybe it's late at night - you have a little wine to ease those inhibitions, a couple of cigarettes to keep you company - and suddenly... You're writing! YOU ARE A WRITER. The creative floodlights burst open, your imagination is driving you to places you never dreamed of, words spill out faster than you can even write them... What a feeling! And NO ONE can take it away. You don't want to stop but in the end exhaustion takes over so you go to bed but still can't sleep , the adrenalin and energy and ideas just won't leave you! Finally you drop off and wake up the next morning and look proudly at what you wrote and think, This is total and utter f**king shit. F**k me, is it bad! Even I think it's f**king shit and I wrote the useless f**ker, what the f**k is anyone else gonna make of it, never mind an agent, my own mother would think this is f**king shit and she thinks Mills and Boon is cutting edge and she's my mother. And best of all you got hardly any sleep so you feel shit all day and your boss says he's gonna kick you out unless you sort your act out and you gotta teach 52 5-year-olds with last night's piss stain congealing to your groin, boy are you in shit, and on the bus home you're sitting opposite someone who looks like Mel C, f**k it IS Mel C, but you can't say shit cos your breath still stinks of booze and fags and phlegm, f**k you Charles Dickins, f**k you Georges Elliot and Orwell, I coulda got to know my favourite Spice Girl, and you still can't sleep next night cos the adrenalin won't go off so f**k this, f**k it. Really. Just f**k everything.

CAM: Corking gig, boys!

DES: [DOUR] Yeah. Right.

CAM: What's wrong, my lad? You still upset about those samples? I promise you, neither Napalm Death nor Mr Blobby will ever find out.

DES: No, the music was fine. But, we asked for a backdrop.

CAM: And you got one, son!

DES: Yeah, I was sort of thinking it would have our band's logo on.

CAM: You had *a* logo.

DES: Yes. Yes, we did.

CAM: And least worst's half the battle.

DES: What?

CAM: Look, calm down, it's a sponsorship deal for the band. They're all doing it, the big musicians, I got you a great package.

DES: You got us a sponsorship deal - with Whiskas Supermeat?

CAM: Yep. Hence the old logo there.

DES: Sure. Except, I think you got it wrong. The logo isn't candyfloss pink.

CAM: Yeah, well, I had some paint left over from the wendy house.

DES: We don't want that either!

CAM: Yeah, I admit I was wrong there, but the cat food, that's a big moneyspinner.

DES: Is it? Because also, you spelt Whiskas wrong.

CAM: No, I spelt Whiskers right.

DES: But - it - that's not how they spell it.

CAM: Riiiight. That might be why I couldn't find their website.

DES: Sure. So how did you secure the sponsorship?

CAM: Well, I'm clever like that. No company called Whiskers, spelt properly? I set one up.

DES: Didn't that cost money?

CAM: Yeah, but I used the sponsorship money. From the company. I set up. To pay for the company. I...set...

DES: Forget it.

CAM: No, wait! So, after that got as bit confused, I got us a proper, huge sponsorship deal with a leading soft drink company. It'll pay for Whiskers (right spelling) - and the court case from Whiskas (erroneous) - and we'll have tons left over. Go on, guess who it is.

DES: Coke? Pepsi?

CAM: Nope! In Bru! I've just had this one small problem -

DES: You're fired.

EXT. HIGH STREET - DAY

A bustling high street. A WOMAN swerves her way through the crowds. She is stopped in her tracks by CHUGGER 1, eagerly clutching a clipboard.

CHUGGER 1
Hi there! Sorry to bother you, I'm collecting sponsorship for a homeless charity--

WOMAN
Oh, no, sorry, I need to get to the bakery--

CHUGGER 1
Oh. Ok. That's fine. I mean, these people are living on the streets, they have no idea where their next meal is coming from, they live in constant fear of assault or sexual violence, but, no, of course, far be it from them to inconvenience you on your essential quest for that trendy bread that all the lifestyle magazines keep saying you should be eating even though it doesn't taste anywhere near as nice as regular bread.

WOMAN
Focaccia?

CHUGGER 1
That's the one.

WOMAN
Ok, right, fine. I suppose I can spare something.

CHUGGER 1
Oh, thank you, madam. Just £3 a month can help give those less fortunate their daily bread!

She signs the clipboard and takes off again, almost immediately stopped by CHUGGER 2 and their clipboard.

CHUGGER 2
Hi, madam. Could you spare a moment to talk to you about our animal charity?

WOMAN
Look, sorry, I really need to get to the bakery--

CHUGGER 2
Oh. Of course. Sorry, madam. I mean, as we speak, right now, tiny little helpless doe-eyed puppies are being mistreated at the hands of their owners, before being thrown out into the street, malnourished and alone. But, no, of course, I'm sure it's more important that you get your hands on a few loaves of that bread that all the celebrity chefs keep raving about even though when you actually try it, it's all doughy and awful and it sticks to the top of your mouth.

WOMAN
Focaccia?

CHUGGER 2
That's the one.

WOMAN
Fine! Look, just give me the sheet!

CHUGGER 2
Oh, bless you. Your £3 a month will go such a long way.

She signs the clipboard and marches on through the crowds, right into CHUGGER 3.

CHUGGER 3
Excuse me? Sorry to trouble you, but I'm--

WOMAN
What now?! I'm trying to get to the bakery before they sell out of that stupid bread that apparently everybody needs to serve at parties these days even though you can't really do much with it and it doesn't really taste right even if you try toasting it!

CHUGGER 3
Focaccia?

WOMAN
That's the one. So what's this one for, hmm? What's the cause?

CHUGGER 3
All of them!

WOMAN
Excuse me?

CHUGGER 3
Well, for just £3 a month, you can contribute towards me donating £3 a month to a whole range of charities on my behalf!

WOMAN
Towards you donating...?

CHUGGER 3
Well, have you seen how many charities there are these days? All asking for £3 a month? Well, your donation of £3 a month can make sure that I can make sure that your £3 a month goes towards saving and/or stopping whichever helpless group and/or aggressive disease happen to be asking for £3 a month at that particular moment.

WOMAN
...OK, whatever! Give me the stupid sheet!

She signs another sheet and dashes off again. CHUGGER 4 stands in her way.

CHUGGER 4
Excuse me, madam, I wondered if you could--

WOMAN
What now?!

CHUGGER 4
I'm sorry, it's just, I'm collecting sponsorship on behalf of the Anti-Chugging Alliance. Just £3 a month could help fund our effort to ensure that the government takes action to ban the practice of endless chuggers stopping you in the street to ask for £3 a month.

WOMAN
But I--!

CHUGGER 4
Well, you gave all those other people money. Or are you too busy rushing off to get your grubby hands on that horrible sort of bread that feckless party hosts serve up with a little ramekin of greasy olive oil these days, because they once had a waiter do it to them in Bella Pasta, so now they think it's the height of haute cuisine or something?

WOMAN
Foc--?

CHUGGER 4
That's the one!

WOMAN
Ok, alright! I'll give you three sodding pounds a month!

She angrily signs the clipboard and hands it back, rushing towards the door of the shop. Just before she gets there, she is accosted by CHUGGER 5.

CHUGGER 5
Sorry, madam, could I trouble you for a second?

WOMAN
Ok, what?! What now?! Red Cross? Dementia? Famine relief? Earthquake fund? What am I going to be donating to this time?!

CHUGGER 5
Oh, no, it's nothing like that. I'm fundraising on behalf of the Liberal Democrats--

WOMAN
Oh, piss off.

She pushes CHUGGER 5 out the way and walks into the shop.

THE END

Mikey Monkey for me this week, I like the way the tone slides inexorably downwards.

True story.
Close but CRINDY.

I like it when Michael gets angry, so he gets my vote this week.

Well done Gappy & Crindy but agree it's Michael's 'We know how you feel moment'. Loved the line - "and she's my mother".

Wow, thanks for the comments! It's awesome because I was thinking of doing this at the next show - a monolgue where I play a '''''writer''''' - instead of the usual stand-up.
Results coming.