INT. GREENGROCERS - DAY
A GREENGROCER stands behind the counter. A CUSTOMER enters the shop.
CUSTOMER
Ah, good, you're in.
GREENGROCER
Of course I'm in. The shop's open.
CUSTOMER
I'm here to collect a refund. Do you honour receipts?
GREENGROCER
Well, yes, I suppose so.
CUSTOMER
Good. Here's the transaction I wish to discuss.
The Customer hands over a receipt.
CUSTOMER
As you can see from the date, I purchased said item yesterday, and I'm afraid to say that I'm totally dissatisfied with it.
GREENGROCER
This is a receipt for a 1998 Ford Escort.
CUSTOMER
Yes, it's parked outside. But what I wasn't told when I purchased said item is that one of the tyres is flat and the steering pulls to the right. Completely unacceptable.
GREENGROCER
Right. Ok. I mean, just to clarify, we don't honour any receipt for any item. It's really just fruit and veg.
CUSTOMER
Oh. I see. That sort of game, is it? Well, fortunately I'm also in need of reimbursement for this.
He hands the Greengrocer another receipt.
GREENGROCER
And what is this?
CUSTOMER
That, my good man, as I'm sure you can plainly see, is an itemised registry for every carrot imported into Liechtenstein in the 2016 calendar year.
GREENGROCER
Yes, I can see that--
CUSTOMER
And clearly, said manifest counts as receipt of goods, and clearly said goods were of the fruit and vegetable variety. So, I will be requiring a refund.
GREENGROCER
Ok, well firstly, are you suggesting that you, personally, are the Principality of Liechtenstein?
CUSTOMER
I could be the the Principality of Liechtenstein.
GREENGROCER
But the Principality of Liechtenstein is a landlocked European microstate extending for 60 square miles.
CUSTOMER
Are you calling me fat?
GREENGROCER
I'm just politely disputing your claim.
CUSTOMER
You haven't even asked me for ID.
GREENGROCER
Do you have any ID?
CUSTOMER
I left it in the car.
GREENGROCER
Well, either way, I can't refund this because, believe it or not, this small greengrocers in Chertsey didn't conduct a single piece of export business with the Principality of Liechtenstein during the entirety of the year in question. For carrots or any other variety of root vegetable.
CUSTOMER
But you clearly said--
GREENGROCER
I'm sorry, sir, perhaps I should have been even clearer. We don't honour receipts for any transaction ever conducted involving fruit and veg. It has to be a transaction involving fruit and veg that took place on this particular premises.
CUSTOMER
I see. You're a very stubborn man, you know that? Nevertheless, I do have another document.
He produces a piece of worn and weathered parchment and hands it to the Greengrocer.
CUSTOMER (Cont'd)
Now, as you can plainly see, this is a written record of a transaction for fruit and veg conducted on this very spot. On this spot in 1497, to be precise, by one of my ancestors, when this very area of Chertsey was but a neutral field between neighbouring hamlets, where local farmers and craftsmen would meet up to barter over food and services. That is a receipt for the purchase of six turnips, and as you can see, you owe me a refund of three sacks of manure and a groat.
GREENGROCER
A goat?
CUSTOMER
No, a groat. An English coin worth approximately fourpence. Now, my refund?
GREENGROCER
Well, I can't--
CUSTOMER
You're not even honouring that? Why?!
GREENGROCER
I'm not sure we've got enough time to go through the reasons before I close for the day. But, again, to clarify even further, I only honour receipts specifically for fruit and veg specifically purchased on these premises, specifically during the period that these premises were a fully licensed greengrocers.
CUSTOMER
Well you really should have made that clearer.
The door to the shop opens. A PARKING ATTENDANT enters.
PARKING ATTENDANT
Sorry to interrupt. This Ford Escort is parked without a ticket.
CUSTOMER
That's my car. And I paid for a ticket!
PARKING ATTENDANT
Do you have a receipt?
THE END
