Skitcomp 2 - 8.6.17

Cool has-beans so congratulations to GAPPY for wanking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - Patrick

Your next subject is NEGATIVITY (chosen by CRINDY).
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 8.6.17

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 10 - Gappy
2 - 5 - Patrick

1: Oh God, oh God, oh God, this is bad. This is bad. This is the worst situation we've ever been in.

2: Don't be so negative. When one door closes, another one opens.

1: Yes, I know how the airlock works! But what are we going to-

[SFX: Whooshing and quickly fading screams]

INT. OFFICE - DAY

On one side of the desk sits the BOSS, on the other side, a nervous new EMPLOYEE.

BOSS
So then, how haven't you not found your first week at the Institute of Double Negatives?

EMPLOYEE
Yeah, it's been fine.

BOSS
Excuse me?

EMPLOYEE
Erm, I mean, it's not been...not fine?

BOSS
Well, that's not really the sort of unambitious language we don't like not to hear around here.

EMPLOYEE
Sorry boss. It's just, there hasn't been a lot not to take in.

BOSS
Well, you really don't need to never get up to speed. We can't not afford to waste time around here, given how busy we never aren't.

EMPLOYEE
Sorry, sir. I'll, um, try not to fail to improve next week.

BOSS
Now, as I'm sure you've not been made unaware, your role here won't involve not working with our email opt-out team. For years, we've never not been cooking up ways to make opting out of receiving spam emails even less non-difficult than it currently never isn't.

EMPLOYEE
I wasn't particularly unimpressed with the latest work for Tesco, sir.

BOSS
Ah. "If you don't want to not fail to never receive regular updates on our latest offers, please don't untick the box that isn't not on the left." That really wasn't not poetic. But, as I'm not sure you don't see, we're convinced we can't never make them even more complicated to understand.

EMPLOYEE
I've already not had no thoughts on none of those subjects.

BOSS
Hang on, that wasn't not a triple negative!

EMPLOYEE
No it was.

BOSS
And that wasn't a non-double negative either, wasn't it?

EMPLOYEE
Well you just didn't use no triple negative either!

BOSS
Alright, I'm not convinced I haven't had enough of this! You're fired!

EMPLOYEE
Oh. Hang on, I am fired or I'm not fired?

BOSS
I don't think I've made myself pretty unclear!

EMPLOYEE
Ah, ok. See you Monday!

The employee stands and walks out. The boss sighs to himself.

BOSS
This isn't really starting to not get silly.

SECRETARY (O.S)
Sir, the director of the Institute of Banning Prepositions From the End of Sentences isn't not here to see you.

The DIRECTOR walks into the office.

DIRECTOR
I must apologise, on the reasons that this meeting is for, I have not been briefed.

BOSS
Right. I quit.

THE END

STAND-UP GRAND SLAM OPPORTUNITY
1. Each comic presents five minutes of his own, professionally-as-yet-unperformed material.
2. Audience considers the actual content of each piece and gives a mark out of 30 based on originality, commercial and artistic potential, and ability to provoke thought as well as laughter.
3. Audience assesses comic's persona from 1 to 30. Is he confident and relaxed, or nervous and afraid? Is he misanthropic, an all-round good guy, or world-weary cynic? Remember: If the character is not crystal clear, this bodes poorly for future development.
4. Audience gives final mark out of 30 for stage presence. How does he cope with hecklers? In the event of a technical hitch, does he freeze (NO!), ignore it (acceptable) or harness it into the experience for greater rather than lesser hilarity (BINGO!).
5. That's a mark out of 90... The last 10 points go for that je ne sais quoi, Cowell's legendary X Factor. that indefinable something that marks out the unique, challenging, engaging comedian!
6. Comics leave the room and allow audience time to share feedback.
7. Everyone in audience just votes for their best f**king friend.

TRERVAN REPORTS FROM THE BRENDAN FENCE ACADEMY.

TRERVAN:
Security is tight here at the Brendan Fence Academy of Words. In fact, so tight that they won't let anyone in. Luckily, we sneaked in through a crevasse at the back, through a farmyard and up a thing. So, I am here on the grounds of the beautiful Brendan Fence Academy of Words and it was here that I walked up along that path there so that I can speak to you now, here.

Now don't let the beautiful surrounds fool you, oh no! For it was here at the Brendan Fence Academy of Words only last night that they actually came a-cropper. Something heinous occurred. That heinousness was a robbery and as a result all words beginning with the letter 'p' have completely vaclashed and vanished from the academy. No lecturer can now say them, no book contains them. Not even the secret vault of rare words of exceptional beauty was spared.

Here at the Brendan Fence Academy of Words they are in trouble deep and they need your hegullup and assistance to help them. Their trading card and calling card and currency card up to this point has been the word. Written word; aural; oral; audio, even the heard word but now they have no currency, they have no trading card, they have no grurlt.

Back in nineteen hundred and '08 Brendan Fence started this academy with his bare fists, punching his way with the fists of his words and of his hands until he sat at the top table where he feasted on juice and grunts and all manner of delights. Strangely, it is now 'p' words of which 'punch' is one that have been stolen from his academy. Isn't it ironic, don't you think? It's like rai-e-ain on your wedding day.

A little earlier I spoke with wordsmith, clrrr and lecturer Dr. Roland Cassidy who didn't have much to say for himself because A. he can't say any word beginning with 'p' and B. I didn't want him to see me and blow my cover so I was whispering the questions at him from a bush a good 60 or 70 yards away.

Not one person or object here now contains a 'p' word. They don't have punch, they don't have prune, no pole, prime, peak, plank, pot, plane, plain; both meanings, pulp, pine, pr-

OOV:
-ICK! We strictly said no journalists!

TRERVAN:
I'm not a journalist.

OOV:
What are you then?

TRERVAN:
I'm a man. (HE SHOWS HIS ID) Look!

OOV:
Get him anyway!

SOUNDS OF SEVERAL MEN SHOUTING AND ROARING.

TRERVAN:
(FEAR) Galk!

HE RUNS AWAY.

Well what a variety!
Liked Gappy's - short but perfectly formed.
Thought Crindy's was really very smart but hurt my brain!
Michael's took me by surprise, both with the twist at the end and because it did not mention Jizz
I think being 'Otterfoxed' should be a verb. Always layered and original.
Well done all, but it is Michael for me this time.

Quote: playfull @ 9th June 2017, 1:07 PM

Michael's took me by surprise, both with the twist at the end and because it did not mention Jizz
.

View original

It was a good one - you can smell the bitterness and resentment in that

Good week, I agree. I think I'll go for Crindy.

Michael's heartfelt anger wins my vote.

(Also, mine could do with a serious edit, reading back through I'm pretty sure I messed up the double negatives at least a couple of times).

Otterfox. And yes, there's experience behind mine. Jizz.

Quote: Crindy @ 9th June 2017, 4:59 PM

I'm pretty sure I messed up the double negatives at least a couple of times.

View original

I thought that was part of the joke

I vote for Mikey Monkhouse the genius of vulgaritment (I believe it to be a much superior word to 'vulgarity') and a word invented specifically for Monkhouse's style of comedy.

Awesome. Results coming and so am I.

Quote: gappy @ 10th June 2017, 12:12 PM

I thought that was part of the joke

View original

Well, it wasn't not part of the joke, but before everyone started getting hilariously* confused by the core concept of the sketch, I don't not think I messed up a few of the early setup lines.

* - hilarity not not not guaranteed.