Skit Comp 30.3 - 7.4.17

Cool has-beans so congratulations to PLAYFULL for winking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please. I am generous.

Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Playfull
1 - 5 - Gappy

Your next subject is HORROR (chosen by Playfull).
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 7.4.17

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 25 - Playfull
2 - 15 - Gappy
3 - 5 - Patrick

ARAB: My friend, you appear troubled.

CLIVE: [Posh 1920s type] Quite so, my man. Yesterday I procured this petrified scorpion's tail from a trader on this very spot. Today, on wishing to discuss my purchase with the man, I find his business...[Mysterious] is no longer here!!

ARAB: Market is on Wednesdays only.

CLIVE: Oh, right. He won't be back till next week, then?

ARAB: That's right, effendi. Sometimes the farmers sell their cheese on a Monday. But this is not cheese.

CLIVE: No. By Jupiter, I wish I could find that infernal trader! I wish to speak to him urgently.

ARAB: Aha, is your scorpion's tail, perhaps, curs-ed?

CLIVE: No. I just wanted to say that it is the best petrified scorpion's tail I've ever had. I wanted to see if I could get one for my cousin.

ARAB: They do do good scorpion tails here. It is in the guide book and everything.

CLIVE: Yes. Also, he sold me a bag of stuffed camel phalluses, which were excellent value.

ARAB: Always a good price, my friend. Always.

VOICEOVER: [English, and in a local radio ad style] For unbeatable value, and award-winning local cheese, come to Baghdad market, every Wednesday, from eight AM. Get there quickly, before those camel cocks [Cheap reverb effect] sell out! [Really quickly, low] Cheese only available on Mondays. Some items may carry the curse of King Neppumuk. [Reverby and shouted] Camel's cocks!

Scene: hospital office. Dr Smith at desk. A tall man enters:

Dr Acula: Hello, I'm here for the Phlebotomy job, blood testing department.

Dr Smith: Yes, welcome Dr.......?

Dr Acula: Acula.

Dr Smith: Ah yes. Dr Acula. Is that Romanian?

Dr Acula: No, Transylvanian.

Dr Smith: Ah, OK. Sorry about Brexit.

Dr Acula: Brexit?

Dr Smith: Oh, it doesn't matter. Well, let's look at your CV..........You've certainly worked in blood testing a long time.

Dr Acula: Yes indeed, you could say it runs in the family. My father vos into blood, as vos my grandfather and my great grandfather also.

Dr Smith: So what makes you qualified for the post of blood testing manager?

Dr Acula: I have a great passion for blood. I know it inside out. I live for it. And I have a 2:1 degree from Derby University.

Dr Smith: What blood type are you yourself?

Dr Acula: A.

Dr Smith: What blood type are you?

Dr Acula: A.

Dr Smith: I said, What blood type are you yourself?

Dr Acula: A. Blood type A. Does this matter for the job?

Dr Smith: Not really, we just ask as we ran out of questions. Well, you're certainly qualified for the post. Do you have any questions about the job?

Dr Acula: Yes, could I vork night shifts?

Dr Smith: Why yes, that's possible.

Dr Acula: I vondered if I could do blood vork from home? I have all the equipment needed.

Dr Smith: it's an unusual request, vhy? Sorry. why?

Dr Acula: My patients vould be more comfortable. They never complain. And I like flexible hours.

Dr Smith: No, this wouldn't be possible.

Dr Acula: (trying hypnosis) YES, I CAN WORK FROM HOME. YES, I CAN WORK FROM HOME.

Dr Smith: No you can't, why have your eyes gone weird? Are you trying to.......hang on, you're a bloody vampire aren't you?

Dr Acula: NO, I'M NOT A BLOODY.....

Dr Smith: Stop trying that hypnosis crap, we've all seen Star Wars. Get out of my office.......(Dr Acula leaves in a huff). Bloody vampires. Then again, we are short staffed for our night time paramedic staff......(runs after Dr Acula)..............Dr Acula, Dr Acula....

I filmed a porno with Edward Scissorhands wanking. Cut.

INSPECTOR: Mr Todd?

TODD: Hello gentlemen what is your pleasure, a haircut? Or maybe a hot shave?

INSPECTOR: I am Inspector Grate and this is Sargent Spigot.

TODD: You want to inspect my grates?

INSPECTOR: What?

TODD: You said you are a grate inspector.

INSPECTOR: No I am Inspector Grate of the yard.

TODD: You are a yard inspector?

INSPECTOR: Enough of this frivolity, are you the Barber Sweeney Todd?

TODD: The best Barber on Fleet Street!

INSPECTOR: Also known as the 'Demon Barber of Fleet Street?'

SPIGOT: Grate inspector! I get it...he thought you were here to inspect his...

INSPECTOR: Ignore him, we just keep him for the coshing. Where was i?

TODD: I think you had just finished.

INSPECTOR: Very amusing Mr Todd. I think I had just asked if you were called the 'Demon Barber of Fleet Street?'

TODD: Indeed, I am he. Please take a seat here inspector and allow me to give you one of my special close shaves whilst we talk, complimentary of course.

INSPECTOR: Well that is very kind of you, I don't mind if I do. We have had several complaints Mr Todd. There are reports that people are disappearing after visiting your establishment.

TODD: Disappearing?

INSPECTOR: Do you have any explanation for these disappearances?

TODD: Well people can look very different after a good haircut.

INSPECTOR: Are you suggesting that people are just failing to recognise their loved ones after you have trimmed their fringe or changed their parting?

TODD: Or they might have decided to emigrate. The Americas are proving a great draw.

INSPECTOR: Sudden spontaneous emigration eh? I can't help but notice the large amount of blood you were mopping up when we entered.

TODD: Ah yes, I nicked the ear of my last customer.

INSPECTOR: About five pints I would estimate, quite an earful I would suggest.

WHOOSH BANG.

SPIGGOT: You took your time, I nearly coshed him myself.

TODD: The foot pedal wasn't working. I think there is a finger jammed in it.

SPIGGOT: I'll see you in about a week when we have a new inspector.

TODD: Don't forget to pop next door for you free pies.

SPIGGOT: Do you recommend any flavour?

TODD: The vegetarians good, made with real vegetarians.

Patrick is my definite winner this week, good work. Nowt wrong with the other 2, but sometmes a sketch just grabs you, and I like P's a lot.

All good but Gappy again. I mean all good but I'm voting for Gappy, not all good except...

Was really not happy with mine, almost didn't post it. Strange how hard it is sometimes.

Liked Patricks Bloody effort - particularly the "And I have a 2:1 degree from Derby University."

Michaels was strangely devoid of swearing, blasphemy and offensive references - though he still managed to work in a severed cock. Good work there.

But it has to be Gappy again for me. I was beautifully misdirected twice in the opening few lines.