Comments welcome, to increase my batting average from 1 per season, to, er, more...
President Trump is to miss the White House correspondents' dinner and will instead "spend the evening thinking of ways to improve America." Staying away from people, and not talking to them, is step one.
This week, Donald Trump claimed to have a positive, helpful, and constructive meeting with the Canadian PM. The rest of the world considered this fake news, because not even Canadians could be polite enough to put up with America's new president. In his defence, Trump simply replied, "But it's True dough"
Transport news, and with over 10% of London trains being late or cancelled, compared to the 4.5% in Merseryside, the boss of Southern Rail announces his latest plan to solve the problem. He suggests everyone move to Merseyside.
2,000. The number of NHS doctors who have written to Prime Minister Theresa May, urging her to increase spending on health care.
302,000. The number of hours that will be spent trying to read what they've written.
Donald Trump has blasted the media for perpetuating another round of alt-news, as he claims the airport protesters are really just playing Pokemon Go. Trumps Lies - Gotta catch 'em all!
Actors and celebrities in the borough of Camden are outraged that bin collection will now be fortnightly. Local resident, Mr. R. Gervais, said "I preferred it when I put my rubbish out once a week. Usually at 10pm., on BBC 2.."