Hi.
This is the first sketch I have submitted. I wish I had redrafted it before I sent it in on the Saturday as I spent Sunday agonising over its faults. I do think there are some good gags in it, though. Please don't be polite, I want savagery!
BURNING YOUR OXBRIDGES
PRESENTER: A student has been expelled from the Cambridge University Conservative Association after being filmed burning a £20 note in front of a homeless man. I say there are worse things to do with £20 on a night out, most of them are on the menu at Rainbow Kebabs And Chicken. But what if this starts a trend among the privileged young?
FX: ROWDY, POSH AND DRUNKEN EXCLAMATIONS
RUPERT: I'm Rupert and this is my note burning challenge!
TOFFS: Yeah! Rather! Etc
RUPERT: I say, Daddy's lost his bonus after a parliamentary inquiry. Twenty pounds does seem rather a lot. Can't we just lightly singe a traveller's cheque?
TOFFS: Boo!
FELICITY: Really, Rupert! Tristam burned a medieval codex in front of a group of Lidl shoppers only last week!
RUPERT: Do we have to actually burn it? What if I just run with scissors in its general direction?
FELICITY: Well, if you don't feel up to it, I think I shall spend my time with someone who knows how to do soulless narcissism properly!
RUPERT: That's enough, Felicity. How dare you suggest I have an ounce of humanity! Let me show you the girth of my unbridled sense of entitlement. (shouting) I say, Mr Homeless Man: Hark at this!
FX: FUTILE CLICKING OF A LIGHTER
RUPERT: Drat! My House of Fabergé table lighter is letting me down again. I told Mummy the post-Bolshevik stuff was rotten! Whom here has a light?
FELICITY: Oh how gauche! (giggles) And I thought vaping was passé... We all snuff now, Rupert. (sneezes)
RUPERT: Oh, for goodness sake.... (shouting) Ahhh, excuse me... Mr Homeless Man? This is dreadfully embarrassing but you wouldn't happen to have a light on your person, there's a good chap?
MAN: A light? Yes. Here. Look, you'll never get it going in this wind. If you hold it from the top... And you, Miss, you cup your hands round the bottom there...
FELICITY: Like this?
MAN: Yes.
FX: A LIGHTER CLICKING AND A FLAME CATCHING
MAN: Ok. I think it's coming... I can see Adam Smith starting to glow... He's starting another Enlightenment, he he! There it is!
FX: A CONFLAGRATION
EVERYONE: (sweetly, without malice) Yaaaaaay!
RUPERT: Thank you. (pause for a beat, then clears his throat) And I hope that teaches you how innately superior we all are to you!
TOFFS: Yeah! (general mocking and revelry)
RUPERT: Hang on a second... Daddy, is that you?
MAN: Ahh, Rupert. I was meaning to tell you... Slight problem with that Presidential Inaugration tickets business I started...
END