Rejected Newsjack Pets in Prison - Porridge sketch

First sketch I've written in probably 4/5 years. Needed a joke in the intro and more jokes throughout but any criteque would be welcome. Was based on a story of the number of pets in UK prisons.

PETS IN PRISON - PORRIDGE SKETCH

ANGELA: Official figures released by the Ministry of Justice this week show the diverse range of pets allowed in British prisons. Reformists point out the benefits but there are still those who are a little bit cynical.

GRAMS: THEME MUSIC FROM PORRIDGE

FX: KNOCK ON DOOR

GOVERNOR: Come In Mr Mackay.

FX: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING

MR MACKAY: I've got Prisoner Fletcher for you Governor.

GOVERNOR: Ah, fletcher. Since I relaxed the rules on keeping pets at Slade prison we've had reports of pet smuggling. Mr Mackay seems to think you're involved.

FLETCHER: (Indignant) Charming. The only pet smuggling I've seen were the budgies on display in B Wing when some old lag hacked Mrs Mackay's holiday snaps and posted pictures of Mr Mackay in his tartan Speedos.

MR MACKAY: (Irate) Fletcher!

FLETCHER: And they were very small budgies.

MR MACKAY: Believe me Ma'am, he's up to it.

FLETCHER: (On his high horse) You see that's the problem with the judicial system today. All this talk of reform but the old suspicions are still there. Whatever happened to a man quietly doing his time and being given a second chance. I dare say there are a few villains in here taking advantage of your generosity Governor but I can quite categorically assure you that 'I' am not involved.

GOVERNOR: Then why is there a beak sticking out of your trousers.

FLETCHER: (Mock surprised) Is there, Good heavens.

PARROT: Mr Mackay's a Nazi - squawk.

MR MACKAY: (Delighted) I knew it ma'am, caught bang to rights. I have a nose for digging into prisoner's private affairs.

FLETCHER: (Uncomfortable) Oohh Stone the crows, I think this parrot is giving you a run for your money.

GOVERNOR: Well Fletcher?

FLETCHER: Well you see Governor, its a present for you from Grouty on account.

GOVERNOR: On account of what.

FLETCHER: On account of the fact that it can't keep its beak shut.

PARROT: Hide the pineapple chunks - squawk

FLETCHER: He thought you might look favourably on the pet requests he sent in this morning on behalf of the Orphaned Prisoners Society.

MR MACKAY : Mark my words Ma'am this has escape scam written all over it.

GOVERNOR: Nonsense Mr Mackay, I have it here somewhere.

FX: PAPERS RUSTLING

GOVERNOR: Let me see. (Paraphrasing) Pet request. 200 moles, 50 trained lookout owls and 20 fast horses. Also 15 snakes and ladders. Snakes not critical. I can't see a problem with any of that. Approved!

FX: PAPER BEING STAMPED

V/O: We would like to reassure listeners that no creatures were intentionally harmed during the recording of this sketch.

PARROT: Tell that to the method actor who misunderstood 'doing bird' - squawk

END

Was it that bad?

Don't take it personally critique is very quiet...

As to the sketch, i like it as a Porridge tribute, nice accurate characterizations. But as you identified it doesn't have enough gags for newsjack (i am guessing they want bang, bang, bang). I liked the idea of the pets linked to escaping - perhaps this idea might have worked better as shorter non porridge gag?

As always feel free to ignore - wtf do i know .

Cheers playfull. It started out as a non Porridge sketch then the idea jumped into my head and by the time I'd realised it actually restricted the jokes it was too late. It got my brain working again though and I leant from it for this weeks sketch.

I agree with Playfull: the Porridge pastiche is well done, but it's the pets as escape method that's the funny idea, I'd have got to that more quickly.

(I say "I'd have", not that I've ever written anything for Newsjack).

Cheers Gappy.