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TRUMPS WALL

The share price of The 'Mexican Mining and Tunnelling Company' rocketed today after President Trump used his tiny hands to sign an executive order to start the construction of a wall along the Border with Mexico.

The firm's CEO Mr S Gonzales said they were being inundated with tunnel enquiries. "This could be a massive boost to the local Mexican Economy," he added. "We have a range of tunnel designs available, from the basic one way crawl through to the super four lane underground turnpike. With the most popular model being the 'Pablo Escobar', which will take you direct from your Hacienda to any Taco Bell's restroom in Texas."

The Mexican conglomerate is so keen to see work get started on the wall that it has offered to contribute to the cost. "We are happy to help pay for the wall," said Mr Gonzales, "the sooner it is built the sooner we can get started on the tunnels. And we are not the only one, I know my cousin would like to contribute as well, he is expecting his ladder sales to go crazy. And my other cousin is busy re branding his bestselling trampoline from the 'Juan Lewis' to the 'Trumpaline'."

Mr Gonzales also confirmed the Canadian Government had enquired about a tunnel direct from Tijuana to Vancouver.

'Trumpaline'

GRIM REAPER GOES FOR ANOTHER BUMPER YEAR

The Grim Reaper announced today that he was hopeful of 'doing the double' and is aiming for another top crop of celebrity deaths in 2017.

"I know it will be hard to top 2016" Mr Reaper said, "but we have set ourselves a high target with some surprising names in the frame. 2017 has already got off to a cracking start with Peter Sarstedt, Gorden Kaye, Mary Tyler Moore and now Sir John Hurt all in January. But we know we can't be complacent if we are to top 2016."

Mr Reaper refused to be drawn on who was next to feel his icy touch but admitted that Brucie has been on his personal wish list for a couple of decades now. "I don't know how he does it but he always seems to have just popped out when I call."

When asked about the recent press accusation that numbers were only up due to a lower 'celebrity' threshold being applied, Mr Reaper tensed visibly and clenched his bony fist. "I don't make 'em, I just take 'em." He muttered darkly, adding "watch it mate, I know where you live." He then asked if we knew where Biggins was playing in Panto before leaving in a spectral coach.