Skit Comp 3 - 11.1.17

Cool has-beans so congratulations to PLAYFULL for winking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please. I am generous.

Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Playfull
1 - 5 - Carlos Manwelly, me

Your next subject is TRAVEL (chosen by FRANKIE).
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 3.1.17

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 25 - Gappy, Frankie Rage
2 - 20 - Playfull
3 - 10 - Otterfox, me
4 - 5 - Carlos Manwelly

Last summer I took a train on holiday to Venice,
GWR were unhappy as they had planned to use it to carry passengers into Paddington.
On the way home it got lost, it just couldn't keep track.
GWR didn't mention it again, must've lost their train of thought.
When I got home I was bowled over in my kitchen by some gravy,
I think it was runaway rolling stock.
After that I thought about climbing on the roof,
But they said I was having ideas above my station.
In the old days they had a driver at the front and a guard at the back,
So what did they have in the middle, that's right, a vergua.
They asked me if I'd seen The Flying Scotsman,
I said no the last one I saw was just walking about normally.
They gave me a pass to get on the train, I said that's just the ticket.
I said I wanted to be abroad on holiday, they asked if I'd like to travel first,
I said I've always had to before.
I met a woman on the train who asked me for directions,
I said, enter stage left, show emotion, your motivation is the death of your old uncle Sedgwick.
A bloke asked me if I knew the way to Stoke Poges,
I told him to leave poor old Poges alone.
All the toilets on the train were out of order - I told the guard I couldn't have a shit,
He said he empathised because he himself couldn't give a shit.
I asked a train driver what he wanted to be when he grew up,
He said a small boy with a snotty nose and shat panties.
We were running late into Waterloo so I said to the driver he ought to get a move on,
so he played 'Wild Tiger Woman' over the tannoy.
Our pilot was angry and flew off the handle, he's been told to use the runway next time.
He then had us all worried when he said our flight across the Atlantic would be plain sailing.

This is the night train, crossing the border,
Bringing the kidney and the aorta.

Livers from the rich, livers from the poor,
Half a dozen tonsils scattered on the floor.

Puffing the engine, pulling the piston,
Carriages stuffed with the endocrine system.

Pharynxes, larynxes, trachea, colon,
Watch the black midnight express ever roll on.

Miles of rails disappearing beneath her,
Luxury sleepers festooned with urethra.

Pubis in a packing crate, anus in a jar,
Half a gross of bladders in the buffet car.

Thyroids in the lavatory, muscles in the snug,
A cluster of bicuspids in a toby jug.

Rushing past the points and making the connections,
Eager to deliver the oesophageal sections.

One distended pancreas, stored in the caboose
A fine of sixteen shillings for unreasonable use.

Black locomotive, shiny and mean,
Bringing the pancreas, bringing the spleen.

Human hair wigs that would certainly suit you,
Also find space on this viscera choo-choo

Listen to my story, pay heed to my text,
Do not get excited, do not become vexed,
Do not ask your questions for this rolling stock is hexed,
Just keep your little mouth shut or your organs might be next!

INT. CHEAPO AIRLINES CHECK-IN DESK - DAY

A CUSTOMER arrives at the check-in desk carrying a suitcase. A check-in AGENT sits behind the desk.

AGENT
Good afternoon sir, and thank you for choosing Cheapo Airlines.

CUSTOMER
Hi, I'm on the 2pm flight to San Francisco. Got one of your special £1 tickets. Fantastic value.

AGENT
No problem sir. Now, I just need to take you through the extra charges associated with that particular ticket. How many items of luggage?

CUSTOMER
Erm, two.

AGENT
(tapping keys)
Ok, perfect. Now, will you be requiring a meal on your flight today?

CUSTOMER
How long's the flight?

AGENT
Eleven and a half hours.

CUSTOMER
I'll probably need a bite to eat then, yeah.

AGENT
(tapping keys)
No problem. I believe today's in-flight special is a vegetable curry. Now, will you be requiring the toilet during your flight?

CUSTOMER
Depends how bad the curry is, I suppose.

AGENT
Shall I put you down for one toilet visit?

CUSTOMER
Best make it two, just in case.

AGENT
Can do. Now, in-flight entertainment. Will you be needing our selection of movies on today's flight?

CUSTOMER
Well, I've got a book with me.

He produces the book, the agent glances at the title.

AGENT
Ah, 'Infinite Jest'. I'll put you down for the full movie package then, sir.
(tapping more keys)
Now, will you need access to a lifejacket?

CUSTOMER
I hope not.

AGENT
It's always useful to have though sir, just in case.

CUSTOMER
Does it come with the tiny little whistle?

AGENT
It can do if you order our enhanced lifejacket.

CUSTOMER
Oh yes, one of those then please. Wouldn't want to be left floating in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, thousands of miles from rescue without a tiny little whistle.

AGENT
Not a problem, sir. Now, will you be needing a pilot?

CUSTOMER
A pilot? To fly the plane, you mean?

AGENT
Yes sir. Our £1 fare ticket comes with access to the autopilot as standard, but our customers do find the pilot option quite useful, especially when it comes to the landing.

CUSTOMER
Oh right, I see. Well, I'd best have that, then.

AGENT
(more typing)
Absolutely. And oxygen, sir. Will you be needing any oxygen on your flight with us today?

CUSTOMER
The oxygen mask, you mean?

AGENT
No sir, just generally. Are you planning on spending your flight with us oxygenating your body's blood supply via respiration?

CUSTOMER
I was kinda hoping to, yeah.

AGENT
(tapping more keys)
No problem sir, I'll add that to your package. And, will you be requiring oxygen?

CUSTOMER
I thought we just did that.

AGENT
This time I do mean the mask.

CUSTOMER
Oh, right. Well, yes, that as well. Can't hurt, can it?

AGENT
Absolutely not sir. Excellent choice.

CUSTOMER
Is that it?

AGENT
It certainly is, sir. Well, that's just about everything. So you've already got your £1 ticket, so you just need to pay these extra costs, which come to a total of three thousand, six hundred and thirteen pounds.

CUSTOMER
Oh.

AGENT
And twenty seven pence.

CUSTOMER
Right. I see.

AGENT
Is there a problem, sir?

CUSTOMER
No, it's just, while I'm here, is there any chance of an upgrade?

*MAY OFFEND*

Our journey begins with the beef curtains drawn wide
Out we pulled plop and lay on our side
Rudely cut loose, our crying has started
A pause for a smile, means only we've farted

If lucky we're fed by a warm milky tit
Less lucky are those who get SMA shit
With rattles and toys we learn how to play
Not knowing or caring what pains coming our way

We are loved to destruction by dear mum & dad
They sacrifice everything it's really quite mad
At school we must learn we are not brightest or best
As we fail our poor parents when put to the test

Works the next hurdle we all come across
Eight hours a day of mind numbing dross
But wait, loves young dream appears from the mist
Cupids sharp arrows finds those who are pissed

Married & pregnant all in a flash
Leads to a shortage of time, love & cash
We copy our parents and give of our best
Old age is coming praps then we can rest?

Suddenly death is abroad on the earth
Measuring our life and all it was worth
Death tells that regret is what makes life so painful
My only regret is I wish I'd had more anal

It's better to travel hopefully than to arrive. Especially when you travel to Great Yarmouth.

Buses in Rome, 2006: F**king buses never f**king come.
Buses in Rome, 2016: I got this awesome app, it says the f**king bus is never f**king coming.

TOM SITS IN A PUB ALONE AND IMPATIENTLY LOOKS AT HIS WATCH. LIAM RUSHES IN AND SITS DOWN.

TOM:
Where the hell did you disappear to? You completely missed our weekly Tuesday night drink. You never even returned my angry face emoji.

LIAM:
Look, I'm sorry. I honestly would have made it if I could.

TOM:
At least you've made it for our weekly Wednesday night drink.

LIAM:
You won't believe what happened me last night. I-

TOM:
All right, what are you having?

LIAM:
Listen for a second. I was on the most fantastical journey last night.

TOM:
Did you eat some of that green cheese at the back of your fridge again?

LIAM:
No. You know the way I'm always afraid of taking that big hill by Turnpike Lane.

TOM:
No.

LIAM:
Well I finally took it.

TOM:
So you walked up a hill. Take out the crayolas!

LIAM:
Did you ever see where it leads though?

TOM:
Yes. Up through the bogs of Calagascar Hill.

LIAM (STORYTELLER MODE):
Calagascar Hill; Covered in an eerie mist it was but something kept telling me to move forward. It was pitch black save for my trusty phone. The strange thing was that as soon as the battery died another light appeared in the distance. I was entranced and I felt I had to follow it.

TOM:
You know what that was; Will O' the Wisp.

LIAM
What o' the whisk?

TOM:
Will O' the Wisp. He made a deal with the devil and is now forced to wander over marshes and bogs using the light of his lantern to lead travellers into the darkness never to return.

LIAM:
Oh right. This light was a mountain bike though. I hopped on and cycled upwards. After what seemed like surely forty or fifty metres I collapsed exhausted and fell asleep under a stone. After a couple of hours I woke up but it wasn't fully bright so I went back for another kip. When I woke up the second time it was fully bright but there was a bluish grey hue in from of me. When I tried to move, the hue blocked me.

TOM:
Some sort of plastic mountain plastic I'd say.

LIAM
Wrong again. It was the wind challenging me to a whistling match but no normal wind; it was the swirling winds of Calagascar Hill.

TOM:
This is ridiculous. You've totally lost it this time.

LIAM:
It howled up a storm so I whistled for all I was worth but it had my lungs pinned back. It clearly won the power whistle. Next was the danger challenge. It won that one by knocking four climbers over a ledge. It told me it would let me go if I managed to win on melody but he used the holes in the trees and the rustling of the leaves to create a beautiful orchestration. I started my chirpy whistle but it sounded a bit like a thrush being tickled to death with his own feathers.

TOM:
Do you really expect me to believe this?

LIAM (ANNOYED):
Luckily I still had my tin whistle from the ceili, you know, from our weekly Monday night drink. I gave him a few bars of 'The Dawning of the Day' and he smashed into smithereens. Still following the light I had to sing my way up some vines, defeated a gang of cuckoos in a dance-off and slid back down the mountain.

TOM:
Unbelievable!

LIAM:
I know, crazy, right.

TOM:
No, unbelievable in that I don't believe you.

LIAM STANDS UP.

LIAM:
Right! Let's go! I'll show it to you.

TOM:
You know something; lets do it if it will prove you wrong!

THEY BOTH WALK TOWARDS THE DOOR. LIAM LOOKS BACK IN THE DIRECTION OF THE CAMERA. PROLONGED CLOSE-UP OF EVIL SMIRK EMERGING ACROSS HIS FACE.

PAN OUT TO SHOW TOM OBSERVING HIM IN AN INQUISITIVE MANNER.

TOM:
Why are you making that face?

LIAM:
Oh, I-I t-thought I saw something. C'mon, lets go.

TOM STEPS AWAY FROM LIAM WORRIEDLY:

TOM:
No way! I'm definitely not going up there after you made that face. You can forget it!

LIAM:
Well how about another pint?

TOM LOOKS AT LIAM INCREDULOUSLY.

BEAT.

TOM (NONCHALANTLY):
Yeah, alright.

OTTERFOX this time (where does he get that stuff from?)

Otterfox again.

Some excellent stuff from Otterfoxes madcap musings to Crindy's Budget bashing along with a couple of sharp shorts from Michael & Patrick but i am torn between Gappy's 'Surgeon' Betjeman tribute & Frankie's Travel Log. (sound of coin flipping)

I go with Frankie with a mention for Gappy.

Some superb stuff this week, I hope this is a sign for the rest of 2017

I generally lean toweards sketches, not single gags, but I really enjoyed both Michael & Patrick this week. I think I'll go for Michael, because it reminds me of a stupid system we have in Oxford called Oxontime: they even have these expensive displays that say "bus due" - yes, I know it's f**king due, I just want to know where it f**king is!

I enjoyed lots of Frankie puns this week but my vote goes to CRINDY. Some lovely exchanges throughout.

Hope I'm not too late to vote! Enjoyed all of the entries and struggled to choose between most of them, so I'll plump for the one that made me chuckle the most, which was Frankie Rage's.