NARRATOR:
There was trouble at the Cassidy's - Christmas trouble. The turkey turned out to be a very large crow, the tree was awash with sap and squirrel droppings and the mulled wine had far too little wine to the vast quantities of mull. Mistakes had been made, errors of judgments had happened. Christmas was broken.
Even the chimney had become much narrower in recent years and for a man of Santa Claus' girth there was serious trouble a-brewing. Little Stephen was weeping into the Christmas cards, Amy was attempting to ease the trauma by drawing pictures of snowmen dancing with ferrets while Mam and Dad had agreed to a boxing match to establish whose fault it all was.
Just as the first blows were being thrown in anger a bright flash illuminated the room. Out of the light stepped an individual wearing striped shorts pulled halfway up his spherical torso. This clashed dramatically with his brown flavoured suit jacket, shirt and tie. He topped off the astoundingly miss-matched ensemble with a green festive hat. His name was...well I'll let him take it away from here...
GOOSEFAT (dramatic & a little camp):
Goosefat Ricardo's the name and I hear we've gone a bit askew for Christmas..hmmm?
BEAT.
GOOSEFAT:
I said...hmmm?
BEAT.
FAMILY ARE STUNNED.
GOOSEFAT:
Alrighty, let me elaborate. I work right up to Christmas Eve putting right what is currently going wrong. Just think of me as a tubby, Christmas version of Quantum Leap. Tadaa!
DAD:
I've been watching Quantum Leap since I were a lad and you're no Sam Beckett.
GOOSEFAT:
Well of course I'm not Sam Beckett. I've already told you that I'm Goosefat Ricardo!
DAD:
Maybe you should lay off the goosefat. Youre as plump as me prize pig abroad.
GOOSEFAT:
Now, now no need to be cheeky.
PLAYFULLY SMACKS DAD ON THE CHEEKS AND HITS HIM ON THE NOSE WITH A DUSTER.
DAD:
Hey, hey get that out of me face. I'm allergic to the blighters.
GOOSEFAT:
Not to worry we'll keep you well away from that naughty little dust.
MAM:
No, he's allergic to hands.
GOOSEFAT: (EARNESTLY)
Wow, that's weird.
BEAT.
GOOSEFAT:
Anyway, no time to loose, 'tis Christmas Eve! (SINGING TO THE AIR OF A SPOONFUL OF SUGAR FROM MARY POPPINS).
When you have a turkey that's a crow
There is something you must know
You messed up, you are fools
You are two proper tools
A gun with a bullet helps the turkey fall down
Turkey fall down,
Turkey fall down,
A gun with a bullet helps the turkey fall down
In the most delightful way.
With mulled wine another mistake
I should throw you in a lake
You are-
DAD:
Hold on now laddie sonny jim. You come in 'ere with your portly belly and your insults, all the while making an absolute mockery of one of the greatest Sci-Fi shows of the nineties. I won't stand for much more of it. Now can you help us or not?
GOOSEFAT: (SINGING)
I'll put right what went wrong
But I must do it through song-
DAD:
You'd better hurry up cos we're fairly far into it and you haven't even said 'oh boy' yet.
GOOSEFAT: (SINGING)
I've got something up my sleeve
On this bitter Christmas Eve.
DAD:
Out with lad, out with it!
GOOSEFAT: (SINGING)
As you are a total git
You can clean up the squirrel shit.
DAD:
Hold your horses, you said you'd fix Christmas you fat twat! If you're as Quantum Leap as you say you are you can only leap if you put right what's gone wrong so fix the bloomin' tree, fix the bloody wine and the give us a turkey!!
GOOSEFAT (TAKEN ABACK):
Well now...well I never. T-that's thrown me right off kilter altogether. S-sure I'll fix it for you. I've a tree out in the car; there's a couple of bottles of wine in that bag and I have a turkey here in my pants.
MAM:
Thank you Goosefat you have saved our Christmas after all!
KIDS:
God bless us everyone.
DAD:
What are you still doing here? You're not spending Christmas with us. Flash away out of it or are you too fat to flash. Too heavy for physics are ya? (CHUCKLES)
GOOSEFAT:
I just can't understand it. Your crow is gone, your mulled wine would floor a horse and your tree is free of squirrel shit.
DAD.
As the old saying goes; Christmas is for family not fat bastard strangers. Now if you're not going to flash you can just leave through the front door.
MAM:
But the weather outside is frightful and the fire is so delightful.
DAD:
I don't care about any of that.
DAD OPENS THE DOOR TO HOWLING WINDS AND BLIZZARD.
DAD:
Now, off you f**k.
GOOSEFAT (dejected):
I understand.
JUST AS GOOSEFAT TRUDGES OUT THE DOOR HE TURNS AND HITS DAD RAPIDLY AND CONTINUOUSLY ACROSS THE FACE.
DAD (BEING HIT):
Hey, hey, hey, hey!!! I'm allergic!!!
DAD SWINGS AT GOOSEFAT BUT HE DISAPPEARS IN A FLASH OF LIGHT BEFORE DAD CAN MAKE CONTACT.
DAD IS LEFT RED-FACED AND SEETHING.
END.
