Hello Everyone.
Just finished writing a sketch. Never wrote one before. It seems that there's more opportunity's for sketch comedy, so though I'd give it a shoot. Comments on how I could improve it or if you think its any good would be much appreciated.
SCENE. EXT. PLANET.
AN ALIEN REPORTER IS STANDING ON A BARON PLANET WITH MICROPHONE IN HIS HAND.
ALIEN:
Today on Jobs In Space we go undercover with hidden cameras and film an
interview with a man named Alan Green and his boss Mister Johnson. We uncover
the shocking truth on just how badly the company Intergalactic Space Cadets treat
their employees.
SCENE. EXT. SPACE.
THERE'S A SPACE SHIP FLOATING IN SPACE. THE CAMERA MOVES NEARER.
SCENE. INT. SPACE SHIP.
THERE'S A SMALL ROOM WITH A MAN MISTER JOHNSON SITTING AT A TABLE WITH ANOTHER CHAIR THE OTHER SIDE.
MR JOHNSON:
If you would like to come in Alan.
ALAN WALKS IN AND SITS DOWN.
MR JOHNSON:
I'm sorry Alan we're going to have to let you go
ALAN:
But we're ten thousand light-years from home.
MR JOHNSON:
That's not our problem is it? Don't worry you can have a space suit and a jet pack
curtsey of the company. (HOLD HAND OUT) Good luck at finding your way home.
ALAN:
But I feel I've really improved over these last two months.
MR JOHNSON:
I've spoke with your supervisors Mr Bellamy and Mr Samson.
ALAN:
Is Mr Samson the one with five heads?
MR JOHNSON:
Yes and all five of his heads were in agreement that you're terrible at your job.
Look we could do you a favour and drop you off at the nearest planet.
ALAN:
And what's the nearest planet?
MR JOHNSON:
I could try and pronounce it. But I fear it would take up five human life times to finish.
ALAN:
That's the planet where they eat you isn't it?
MR JOHNSON:
Er yes. Been there before. There's some beautiful spots, you just have to make sure
you leave before the Ramitons tea time.
ALAN:
Isn't there another job I could do?
MR JOHNSON:
Well, Dave who's in control of the ships weapons says he would of always liked to
use you for laser practice. Would you be up for that?
ALAN:
Not really. No.
MR JOHNSON:
But surly its better to shoot by lasers than to drift in out of space until you starve.
MAN:
Mr Johnson there's someone to see you about the cleaning job.
MR JOHNSON:
Er yes. Show him in.
HUGE STRANGE LOOKING EVIL ALIEN WALKS IN, WITH GLOWING RED EYES.
MR JOHNSON:
Have you met your replacement.
HE STARTS TO MAKE MOANING NOISES. HE THEN VOMITS DOWN THE FRONT OF HIS CHEST.
ALAN:
(SOUNDING SHOCKED) Jesus.
MR JOHNSON
No it's the second best thing, Graham from sector 5.
GRAHAM:
(POSH VOICE) Arr thanks Mister Johnson, your making me blush.
MR JOHNSON:
Jesus was a carpenter. Graham here is going to be cleaning carsey's for his bread
and water.
ALAN:
I mean what does this guy have to offer that I don't?
GRAHAM IS NOW HOLDING A BOG BRUSH. HE SHAKES IT.
MR JOHNSON:
He's holding it. And it's bigger than yours.
ALAN:
Surly its not the size of your bog brush that matters, but where it ends up.
MR JOHNSON:
Quite and where ever yours ends up. I hope its been washed before hand.
MR JOHNSON:
Thanks for coming Graham. We'll talk about the job later on. You may leave.
GRAHAM LEAVES THROUGH THE SLIDING DOORS.
MR JOHNSON:
Look I admit that I have to take some of the blame for what's happened. I could see
you weren't up to the job when you started crying when the space ship got five feet of
the ground.
ALAN:
I suffer from vertigo.
MR JOHNSON:
And yet that didn't stop you applying for a job on a space ship.
ALAN:
My job advisor said it was the ideal job for me. She said I could commute to and from
work everyday.
MR JOHNSON:
Alan your ten thousand light-years from home.
ALAN:
I phoned up the bus depot and they said they didn't do buses into out of space.
MR JOHNSON:
Look you should see this as the end but a new beginning. Think what others would
give to explore the cosmos. Of course you will run out of oxygen pretty fast. So why it
will be a new beginning for you, it will also be a short one.
ALAN LOOKS DEPRESSED.
MR JOHNSON:
I know you can't believe your leaving us. I'll always remember you Alan, down on
your hands and knees with your head in a toilet. No one tackled an alien floater like
you did. It was like watching a great French renaissance painter work, except as
where he had a pain brush in their hand you had a bog brush.
ALAN STARTS TO CRY.
MR JOHNSON:
Goodbye Alan (PUTS HAND OUT) and when I say goodbye, I do mean good-bye.
ALAN GETS UP AND STARTS TO WALK OUT OF THE ROOM.
MR JOHNSON:
O Alan
ALAN TURNS AROUND LOOKING EXCITED.
MR JOHNSON:
There isn't any free space suits and we can't afford to supply you with a jet pack.
However there are a couple of parachutes down the hall in a box.
ALAN:
Parachutes?
MR JOHNSON:
Sorry about that. Take some free space cookies from the jar next to the door on your
way out, compliments from the company.
YOU HEAR MR JOHNSON'S PHONE START TO RING. HE PICKS IT UP AND ANSWERS IT.
MR JOHNSON:
Yes really... Alan there are some placements in the canteen. Can you cook?
ALAN:
No
MR JOHNSON PUTS HIS HAND UP TO HIM. ALAN TURNS BACK THE OTHER WAY LOOKING SORROWFUL.
MR JOHNSON:
Alan.
ALAN:
(EXCITED) yes.
MR JOHNSON:
Good luck.
HE PULLS AN ANNOYED FACE TURNS AROUND AND KEEPS WALKING.
SCENE. EXT. PLANET.
ALIEN REPORTER STANDING ON A BARON PLANET WITH MICROPHONE
ALIEN:
So there you have it terrible really when you think about it. Next week we'll go under
cover on the sex trade in space. In a program were calling Alien encounters of the
sexual kind. Don't miss it. Trust me there's some right juicy bits about half way
through. I know I'm going to record it. O time for my tea.
HE PICKS UP A SMALL FURRY CREATURE AND PUTS IT INTO HIS MOUTH YOU HEAR SQUEAKING NOISES. HE THEN STARTS TO BANG IT IN HIS MOUTH WITH HIS FIST. GREEN STUFF STARTS TO SHOOT OUT OF IT ALL OVER THE PLACE.
ALIEN:
Mmmm Sex in space.
END SKETCH
