Skit Comp 9 - 17.12.16

Cool has-beans so congratulations to PLAYFULL for winking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please. I am generous.

Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
3 - 10 - Playfull
1 - 5 - Gappy
Special mention: Patrick, me

Your next subject is FUNERALS (chosen by FRANKIE RAGE).
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 17.12.16

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 20 - Gappy
2 - 15 - Frankie Rage
3 - 10 - Playfull, Otterfox
4 - 5 - me

INT. TWO MEN SIT AT DESKS. SIGN ON WALL "DIGGEM & PHLEGM - FUNERAL DIRECTORS - UNCTUOUS IN EXTREMIS"

PHLEGM:
This is terrible, we haven't worked in five months. How can we make a living if nobody is dying? Eh?

DIGGEM:
Well..

PHLEGM:
Eh?

DIGGEM:
The problem is there isn't the incentive.. I mean we could offer more discount..

PHLEGM:
I'll pretend I didn't hear that.. Look out there <NODS TO WINDOW> look, look at that! They're positively strutting up and down. Healthy as sin! It's enough to make you sick. I've been out in civvies listening in the shops and pubs, there's no one even feeling tired let alone poorly. How's your mother, by the way..

DIGGEM:
Oh, top of the world.. loves her knitting and.. oh, I see.. no, nothing doing as of yet..

PHLEGM TURNS OVER A PAGE OF THE LOCAL NEWSPAPER.

PHLEGM: <GLOOMILY>
This paper's no good, it's full of people smiling..

DIGGEM:
I've booked one funeral..

PHLEGM: <CLOSES PAPER>
That's great, why didn't you tell me?

DIGGEM:
Erm, unusual request.. they would only book it if we agreed to make the coffin out of old Weetabix boxes.. they were the deceased favourite cer-

PHLEGM:
Wha-a-at? I hope you told them where to stick that idea!

DIGGEM:
Yes I thought that but it's the only interest we've had ..and so I took the booking..

PHLEGM:
Well, you'll have to put in a disclaimer! Write to them and say we'll do it but if there are any issues, it's their funeral!

DIGGEM:
Boom, boom..

Happy Christmas, folks!

CLARENCE: Afternoon, gents.

JOSE: Hi, Clarence.

BRENDAN: Big man! How was yesterday?

CLARENCE: Oh, it was alright, I suppose. It just gets so frustrating: the public always want to see the same old thing.

BRENDAN: I know.

JOSE: We're martyrs to the public, Clarence.

CLARENCE: just once I'd like to be able to experiment.

JOSE: I know what you mean. The other day, I was so bored doing the same old rubbish, I did it really sluggish and lacklustre.

BRENDAN: Oh, you rebel, Jose.

JOSE: I know - but did they care? I don't think they even noticed.

CLARENCE: Oh, that public! Who'd have them?

BRENDAN: Just once, I'd like to give them something new, but they wouldn't appreciate it. It's always, "can you just do 'Man that is of woman born'?"

JOSE: Dearly departed. Commit his body to the ground, merr merr merr - do they have no imagination?

CLARENCE: Who do you mean?

JOSE: The public.

CLARENCE: Oh, the public. Don't get me started on the public! Wouldn't know a fresh performance if it bit them on the catafalque. Ashes to ashes, always ashes to ashes: just once I tried to modernise, with tarmac to tarmac, there was almost a riot.

JOSE: I did Rice Krispies once. Lovely fluttery effect as I sprinkled them into the hole. Not a sausage.

CLARENCE
& BRENDAN: Bloody public.

JOSE: Anyway, Clarence, you got any more gigs lined up?

CLARENCE: Just one tomorrow: a christening.

BRENDAN: You going to bring your unicycle?

CLARENCE: Ha! I'll be lucky if I even get to do my juggling.

ALL: The public!!

Masochisic cannibals can eat their heart out.

Why do anagram writers always enjoy a funeral?
They always see it as REAL FUN.

Frankie for me, thank you, please.

Gotta call Gappy on this one. So we have cancelled each other out! >_<

Close but Frankie.