Skit Comp 25.11 - 4.12.16

Cool has-beans so congratulations to FRANKIE RAGE for winking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please. I am generous.

Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Frankie Rage
1 - 5 - me

Your next subject is OPEN (like my mother's legs).
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 4.12.16

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 15 - Gappy, Frankie Rage
2 - 10 - Otterfox
3 - 5 - me

I just saw a reality show about a UK hotel named 'Fawlty Towers' and I must say I was appalled. The boss seems rude, frequently violent and only interested in guests of an upper caste, while his waiter struggles to understand even the most basic English expressions. The fellow's wife does have a minimum of professional demeanour, but their marital relationship appears critical and I'm amazed they are still together at all. let alone attempting to run a business. May I suggest marriage guidance or Gordan Ramsay? In the meantime Mr Fawlty, I shall certainly NOT be tasting your wares!

CHAIR: Gentlemen, it has been a hard, yet noble labour, but I am pleased to announce, that after 71 years of toil, the Oxford English Dictionary is complete! The final small selection of definitions has been published today, and we must now look to producing a new, unified set of volumes to encapsulate al our work. Before we do that, there is one question: has anybody identified any errors that require amending?

ALL: No.

CHAIR: In which case, I am happy to call this meeting to a - yes, Balustrade, what is it?

BALUSTRADE: Sir, I did have an opinion about one definition.

CHAIR: Out with it, then.

BALUSTRADE: It's stupid.

CHAIR: Yes, I suspected as much. Right, brandy time!

BALUSTRADE: No, no, the word is "stupid". I feel the definition could be improved.

CHAIR: What is it now?

BALUSTRADE: "Lacking in sense, perception or intelligence".

CHAIR: Seems to fit the bill. What would you have us change it to?

BALUSTRADE: Steve.

CHAIR: Steve?!

BALUSTRADE: Well, more specifically, Steve Braithwaite. He's my friend.

CHAIR: Balustrade, are you trying to suggest that our definition of the fine English term "stupid" consists solely of the words Steve Braithwaite?

BALUSTRADE: No, sir.

CHAIR: Good.

BALUSTRADE: We should just have a picture of him.

CHAIR: But why?

BALUSTRADE: Because he's stupid. So, if people saw a picture of him they'd say, "Oh, yeah, right, that's what stupid means. It's what Steve is".

CHAIR: He's also a mammal, a Briton and a taxidermist, shall we publish his visage in place of those definitions too?

BALUSTRADE: May as well, it will save time.

CHAIR: [PAUSE] Yes, why not, it seems a sensible idea. Your friend Steve is, after all, most stupid.

BALUSTRADE: Great. Oh, and also, we should put his face under "gullible" too.

CHAIR: No, we're taking that out of the dictionary.

BALUSTRADE: Oh, yes, I forgot.

CHAIR: Well, try not to be quite so picture-of-Steve-Braithwaite-dead-badger-stuffer.

BALUSTRADE: Right you are, sir.

CHAIR: Now, one other thing springs to mind, Balustrade: how would you like to begin work on our first thesaurus?

BALUSTRADE: I'd love it, sir! Just one question - would I be able to borrow your camera?

INT. TWO MEN IN A SITTING ROOM. A SIGN ON THE WALL READS ACME DETECTIVE AGENCY (PRINTED) WITH THE WORDS 'AND NAVAL SHIPYARD' AS AN HANDWRITTEN ADDITION.

DANNY:
I'm really not sure about this, Mart.

MART:
Why so?

DANNY:
We're a terraced house in Gravesend, not a navy ship yard, no docks, no wharf ..no expertise with ships or shipbuilding, no..

MART:
We don't need any of that! The government are desperate for more navy ships and they are going to 'distribute the work across the UK' - it's open to all and that includes us!

DANNY:
Yes, but won't they check, they'll expect results, ships built, launched..

MART:
Details! By the time they realise we'll be long gone! I've booked a couple of weeks in Margate for when we need to leg it!

DANNY:
I really don't see how this is going to work..

MART:
Persuasion Danny, persuasion.. and we make sure we get the money up front.. you can do it..

MART LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW, THROWS A WHISTLE TO DANNY.

MART:
Here, catch this..

DANNY:
What's this for?

MART:
Get ready to pipe 'em aboard! There's an armed escort and three Admirals coming up the garden path!

YOU'VE BEEN FRAMED

MR COMPLAINER IS STANDING AT A COUNTER HOLDING A PACKAGE.

MR COMPLAINER: Now normally I 'm not a complainer but on this occasion...

MR PHOTOSHOP: Of course, sir. Please, do tell.

MR COMPLAINER: I purchased this from you last week.

MR PHOTOSHOP: Yes sir.

MR COMPLAINER: I said I needed something to take photos of my niece's wedding.

MR PHOTOSHOP: Indeed sir.

MR COMPLAINER: You told me that it had 24 megapixels.

MR PHOTOSHOP: I believe I did sir.

MR COMPLAINER: That it has an articulated touch-screen display

MR PHOTOSHOP: Of course

MR COMPLAINER: Then there was the fact it omits the optical low-pass filter over the sensor and should therefore capture sharper, more detailed images

MR PHOTOSHOP: Such clarity

MR COMPLAINER: An easy to navigate user guide

MR PHOTOSHOP: Beginner proof

MR COMPLAINER: There's an expansion setting that takes it to the equivalent of ISO 15,600 for low lighting

MR PHOTOSHOP: For those party shots

MR COMPLAINER: What about Full HD movie footage at frame rates up to 50p/60p and with continuous autofocus?

MR PHOTOSHOP: Steven Spielberg look out

MR COMPLAINER: Never mind the 13 special effects

MR PHOTOSHOP: Move over Terry Gilliam!

MR COMPLAINER: There is just one problem though

MR PHOTOSHOP: And what might that problem be, sir

MR COMPLAINER STABS HIS FINGER A NUMBER OF TIMES AT THE CAMERA SCREEN.

MR COMPLAINER: Look at these dreadful photos!

MR PHOTOSHOP: Ah, yes I see.

MR COMPLAINER: So how do you explain that?

MR PHOTOSHOP: I can quite categorically state that the problem is not the camera.

MR COMPLAINER: Oh no, don't you dare start blaming me! My wife will go mad.

MR PHOTOSHOP: Wouldn't dream of it, sir.

MR COMPLAINER: Well what's the problem, then?

MR PHOTOSHOP: Your niece is rather ugly, sir.

MR COMPLAINER: What?

MR PHOTOSHOP: Bit of a minger, sir.

MR COMPLAINER LOOKS AT THE CAMERA SCREEN.

MR COMPLAINER: Oh, that's a relief. Thank you very much.

MR PHOTOSHOP: You're most welcome, sir. Anything else I can do for you?

Went to live show last week: two hours of a bloke sharing his deepest feelings. It was open Mike night.

Tough week, but I think I'm going to vote Playful, purely for the term "fan-dabi-shite".

my vote : PLAYFULL
with
special mention : Patrick

What variety! Comedy is alive and well on the BCG. Tricky to judge between such differing wares but got to go with Gappy & give a special mention to Michael.

Yes, Playfull.

Sorry, been rather busy so forgot to come back and vote.
It would have been playfull.