Computer World- Sketch

If I've already posted this please forgive me.

INT. LIVING ROOM. DAY.

THERE IS A KNOCK AT THE DOOR. A YOUNG WOMAN GOES TO ANSWER THE DOOR. THERE IS A MAN STANDING THERE HOLDING A TOOLBOX. HE IS WEARING A T SHIRT AND JEANS.

Repairman
Morning Madam.

Miss Lovely
Morning.

Repairman
Are you Miss Lovely?

Miss Lovely
Yes.

Repairman
Good. I’ve come to take a look at your PC.

Miss Lovely
Oh yes. You’re quick. I only phoned an hour ago.

Repairman
We aim to please. What seems to be the trouble?

Miss Lovely
Well, no matter what I seem to do I can’t get him to work properly.

Repairman
Right
Where is it?

Miss Lovely
In the kitchen.

THEY GO THROUGH TO THE KITCHEN. THERE IS A POLICEMAN DRESSED IN FULL UNIFORM WITH HELMET. HE IS AGED ABOUT 60. HE IS WEARING A PINAFORE AND IS STANDING AT THE SINK DOING THE WASHING UP BUT HE KEEPS SMASHING THE PLATES AS HE TRIES TO PUT THEM IN THE DRAINING RACK.

THE REPAIRMAN GOES UP TO HAVE A LOOK.

PC
Evening all.

Repairman
I see what the trouble is. He’s a very old PC. They just don’t have the memory that the newer ones have. I’ll try rebooting it.

REPAIRMAN KICKS THE POLICEMAN UP THE ARSE.

PC
Bloody heck!

THE POLICEMAN SUDDENLY STARTS TO WORK A LITTLE QUICKER AND STOPS BREAKING THE PLATES AND MANAGES TO GET THEM INTO THE DRAINING RACK PROPERLY.

Repairman
That seems to have got it. I think you’ll need to replace it soon. I think it’s on its last legs.

THE POLICEMAN BEGINS TO CRY. THEY WALK TO THE DOOR.

Miss Lovely
Really. I’ve haven’t got a clue about these things.

Repairman
Hang on. I’ll just nip out to the van.

REPAIRMAN DISAPPEARS THEN COMES BACK A SECOND OR TWO LATER.

Repairman
Why don’t you try this new Mac for a couple of days and see how you get on. They’re more reliable.

IN WALKS A SCOTSMAN IN A KILT AND A GINGER BEARD. HE WALKS UP TO THE POLICEMAN AT THE SINK AND HEAD BUTTS HIM AND TAKES OVER WASHING UP. THE POLICEMAN IS STILL CRYING AND NOW HOLDING HIS NOSE IN PAIN.

Miss Lovely
Thanks. I could keep the PC upstairs with the old Commodore.

Repairman
You’ve still got one of them? That would be worth a bit if it’s in good condition. See you then.

EXIT REPAIRMAN.

CUT TO BEDROOM

A COMMODORE LOOKING IMMACULATE IN FULL UNIFORM IS STANDING STATELY IN THE CORNER MISS LOVELY’S BEDROOM. THE POLICEMAN WALKS IN.

Commodore
The spare room you twat.

POLICEMAN WALKS OUT STILL CRYING AND HOLDING HIS NOSE.

Very funny. I snorted with laughter several times.

I'll just clear it up.

Thanks Dave

Good stuff. Enjoyed it. But I think it's slow to get going. The first few exchanges:

Quote: Wildjesusfishkid @ October 8, 2007, 11:11 PM

Repairman
Morning Madam.

Miss Lovely
Morning.

Repairman
Are you Miss Lovely?

Miss Lovely
Yes.

Repairman
Good. I’ve come to take a look at your PC.

Miss Lovely
Oh yes. You’re quick. I only phoned an hour ago.

Repairman
We aim to please. What seems to be the trouble?

Miss Lovely
Well, no matter what I seem to do I can’t get him to work properly.

Repairman
Right
Where is it?

Miss Lovely
In the kitchen.

View original

don't tell us anything more than we could manage from a simpler two line exchange, e.g:

Repairman:
Miss Lovely? You called about the PC.

Miss Lovely:
Yes, it isn't working properly at all. Have a look yourself.

Yeah. Point taken.

I agree, the first third of this is utterly redundant. Why would we need to know the woman's name?

The Police Officer/PC gag is a bit of a groaner but I very much liked the ending. I would have trimmed out the PC cryingand ended on the twat line though.

Puntastic ! There are defo some groan elements, like the PC/ police constable pun but I think the puns, as they keep rolling in, make it very funny. Good visual imagery with all characters as well. And a great end line. I'd add a twist where people expect a pun, but you don't give them one. For example the old commodore IS a commodore computer. So the end would be something like:

CUT TO BEDROOM

A COMMODORE COMPUTER RESTS ON THE TABLE. THE POLICEMAN WALKS IN AND SETTLES ON THE BED

BEAT

COMMODORE COMPUTER
The spare room you twat.

POLICEMAN WALKS OUT STILL CRYING AND HOLDING HIS NOSE.

END

I think you've then reversed the expectation, which is a good thing, and a talking computer is arguably visually as funny as an old sea dog. Anyway just my opinion - you'll get people saying 'oh but puns are the second lowest form of wit after sarcasm', but sometimes they can be funny as you've proved with this sketch.

I'd maybe also add a subtle groan sound effect when the police constable is revealed as the PC. You've then recognised it as groan worthy! might work well with the old actor sort of smiling/ laughing a little, then him going straight back into character.

Or, (my final thought!) once the commodore computer is revealed, an old commodore sea dog bloke bursts out of the cupboard (cue - groan sound effect again)!

I liked the initial unusual gag, although it did create a half chortle/groan.

I agree with one person that you could speed up the initial meeting and tighten that bit up a bit

I'm not sure about the end but I dunno if I would change it or just leave it with the mac coming in.

all in all, good effort old boy