I'm not supposed to post in multiple threads? Does two count as multiple? Eek, I hope not. Well, I won't post any more of my stuff. Anyway, I've written 11 comedy reviews, such as the following, but have no idea on what to do with them... If someone could suggest places to post my material, that will either offer me money, or valuable experience, that would be great. P.S. I promise to offer my feedback to other members on this forum. So that's nice... Oh yeah, and I write sketches, books, jokes and sitcoms, which can be requested... Anyway, here's a review of mine...
Mm-hm. You want me to review 'Scum', by Napalm Death, and you want me to take it seriously? Is that what you're saying? I'm familiar with some thrash metal, for example Metallica, but apparently this isn't thrash, it's grindcore. What's the difference? There's no difference, other than the drummer seems to exceptionally hate his kit. Put simply, Mick Harris brutalises it, and this makes a new genre. I can think of better names for the style; sub-thrash, silly thrash, awful-core, etc. I presume the singer thinks his lyrics save the band. For example he 'sings', 'multinational corporations, genocide of the starving nations'. Perfectly reasonable words, but what he fails to realise, is that had his collection actually played at a starving nation, a mass killing would occur. The severely weakened bodies of his audience would be put into shock in seconds, and all members would be responsible. >
What's funny about seeing this group live, is their whole 'overthrow the government' message. The shouter gets all the crowd going, by going on some political rant, which he probably doesn't even mean, (at least now he is surely filthy rich, and most likely very self-centred). The more he says something radical, the more everyone cheers. Then, when the pandemonium is over, they say to themselves 'what a nice day, I feel a blood clot coming on', (yes, loud music can do that) and they go home, as do the equally effected musicians. How revolutionary. Some of the audience are best kept away from politics, and left in the pit, anyway; would you really want people who get pleasure from standing in a circle and beating their neighbours up, having power over you? You have to bare in mind, that the admirers of Napalm Death, most likely enjoy their genre cousins, Megadeth. They have songs, such as 'Rust in Peace, Polaris', and that is about nuclear war. A small percentage of their fans, will almost certainly want that kind of stuff to happen! (The psychopathic 1%, that is). When you combine that statistic, with the one about the very richest, and most powerful, making up 1%, that means 1 in 10,000 followers want to end the world, and have some ability to do so, or at least argue their point. Leave them to punch each other in the face.
Back to the record; perhaps the cruelest point in 'Scum', is when 'You Suffer', is heard. It is its shortest song, lasting 1.316 seconds. (Congratulations, you've earned yourself a world record. Now you can place yourselves among people like Usain Bolt. Do you want to know why no one has broken your ancient record, yet? No one f**king wants to!!) Anyway, at least when the other songs play, the mind has time to work its defense mechanisms and subconsciously numb the mental pain. You don't get that, with 'YS'. When it ends, you are immediately filled with some kind of euphoric relief.... Only to find more torment, in the following 'songs'. Not that shouting what sounds like 'glub, glub, glub! Blub, blub, blub!' makes a song. At least I hope it doesn't. What's truly terrifying, is the fact the respected website, 'allmusic.com', gave this album 5 stars! Is this some kind of goregrind masterpiece?? Are there 1 star goregrind bands, in the world? Do they not know what the instruments they play are? Are they all deaf? Or do they simply just set everything they play on fire? If so, I would welcome it. You could say, I want Napalm Death, to napalm everything they play to death. And their records. Perhaps that is the hidden meaning to their band name; their lyrics have some kind of reasoning to them, at least, even if nothing else does. Out of curiosity, I had to give their apparent worst album, a listen; the one that got 2 and a half stars, from allmusic.com. It's called 'Utopia Banished'. A perfect title, though its music is better than the stuff found on 'Scum'. I guess I just don't understand the world of grindcore... Other album titles, such as 'Enemy of the Music Business', suggest the whole ensemble is a tired practical joke, that has been going on for decades.
To sum up, here are a few things I hate more than Napalm Death: Vivisection, self-immolation, tub torture, Hershey's, the last level of Super Mario (NES), the lasting impact of my unimpressed DT teacher, sour milk, poison, Big Rigs and paying for water, tap or otherwise. So, it's not all terrible! 1/10. Is there anything good about this album? Alright, the lyrics aren't bad. 1.5/10. Oh, wait, you can't possibly make them out. 1/10. Are there any albums worse that this? Let's be fair, there is one; S.A.G. II by Tiermes. It's just noise; you can get the real thing by sitting next to a motorway, or something, if that's what you like listening to. Maybe you could even sit next to a dripping tap, whilst burning some wood. 
Any other examples?.... Ummm, nope, I don't think so. That's it then, it's been a lot of f..., I mean it's been something to do.
