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Hello, here is the kind of stuff I do. I also write sitcoms, jokes, joke reviews, and have written 2 books. (These can be requested). If you want to work with me, please let me know, but only if you're serious about finding work. Thank youou...

©2016 Simon Wiedemann
This screenplay may not be used or reproduced without the express
written permission of the author
Deftonesaresuper@hotmail.co.uk
1. The Psychiatrist
FADE IN:
INT: PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE - DAY
A standard room. Kind of dull; roughly as dull as this
description. It features just a table, chairs, and a door.
The PSYCHIATRIST, sitting at the table is a bearded 30 year
old man, wearing a suit and spectacles.
CHRIS enters the room, and sits to face the PSYCHIATRIST.
CHRIS is a teenager, wearing a hoodie and jeans.
PSYCHIATRIST
Hello, Chris! Are you well?
CHRIS
Not bad. You?
PSYCHIATRIST
Great, thanks. So... Is there anything
you think we should talk about, on our
little checkup?
CHRIS
I'm feeling fine...
PSYCHIATRIST
Goood... But what about your
behaviour?
CHRIS
Fine, I think.
PSYCHIATRIST
Are you sure?
CHRIS
Yep.
PSYCHIATRIST
I don't think so; let me explain.
Personality is kind of like a scale;
on one extreme you can be too
difficult, for example, and at the
other extreme, you can be too people
pleasing...
CHRIS
Mm-hmm...
2.
PSYCHIATRIST
Yes. It's all about how much you
deviate. If you deviate too much, then
there can be problems. But there lots
of other ways you can deviate...
CHRIS
I see....
PSYCHIATRIST
For example, you can be too cool. You
can be so cool, no one else is cool
enough to hang out with you, and
you'll be lonely forever...
CHRIS
I'm confused.
PSYCHIATRIST
You, however, are at the other end of
that particular scale. Basically....
How should I put this?... You're a
prick...
CHRIS
But personality is very subjective...
PSYCHIATRIST
No, that's where you're wrong, we have
charts to prove it and everything.
CHRIS
How?
PSYCHIATRIST
We've looked at some of your Facebook
posts. Most normal people would write
about their day, their plans for the
weekend, etcetera, etcetera... You, on
the other hand just write about how
great you are... Your narcissism
scores are through the roof. You once
said, 'Oh my God... How do I do it? No
one can be this f**king amazing! '.
CHRIS
Oh, right...
PSYCHIATRIST
You go on to say you're like a 'super
mix of Plato, Einstein, Eddie Van
Halen', and you just list dozens of
the world's greatest people, with no
hint of embarrassment or self-
consciousness....
3.
CHRIS
At the end of the day, we're all
related to each other...
PSYCHIATRIST
It's not just that. You dress like a
pillock...
CHRIS
You don't like 'Basil Brush Mugged off
my Uncle?'
PSYCHIATRIST
I've never heard of them, but I know I
can't take them seriously.
CHRIS
They're very good...
PSYCHIATRIST
You walk like a moron. You swagger so
much you have been spotted toppling
over three times.
CHRIS
Is this your attempt at therapy?
PSYCHIATRIST
(confused)
No...
CHRIS
So I'm going to have to sit here and
take your abuse?
PSYCHIATRIST
Am I boring you?
CHRIS
No, it's just...
PSYCHIATRIST
Because the staff here, have been
thinking of writing a great musical
about you, it will have strobe
lighting and everything. We just don't
have the funds...
CHRIS
That sounds interesting...
PSYCHIATRIST
Yes, it will be in D major...
CHRIS
Why?
4.
PSYCHIATRIST
Because you're a major D... A dick,
basically. Can you help us with the
money?
CHRIS
Sorry, no...
PSYCHIATRIST
We could always strip the production
down, in an emergency... I could play
acoustic guitar, and you could play
bongos. The part will be very easy,
you just hit the thing over and over
and over...
CHRIS
Why?
PSYCHIATRIST
It symbolises how annoying you are...
CHRIS
Oh, God.
PSYCHIATRIST
How do you think I feel, the guitar
part is just one chord. It has to be,
to represent your simple mindedness...
CHRIS
Is this whole meeting, some kind of
joke to you, or something?
PSYCHIATRIST
Yes. No, only joking, of course not...
CHRIS
I don't understand.
PSYCHIATRIST
That's why I will only use one chord!

CHRIS
Do I dare to ask about what the lyrics
will be?
PSYCHIATRIST
Sure. 'Can you imagine another
Christopher? Dear God, I'd want to
kill myself'.
CHRIS
Can I go now, please?
5.
PSYCHIATRIST
You don't want to see my special
dance, for you?
CHRIS
What is it, then?
PSYCHIATRIST
It's a country dance... Because you're
a...
CHRIS
Bye!

Hello Simon. Just finished reading this. It starts a little slow, could do with more funny lines earlier on. Once it gets going theirs some good stuff . Also when you say he's like a mix between Plato, Einstein And Eddie Van Halen would everyone know who Eddie Van Halen is, younger people for instance. This is coming from someone who has a fare few of their albums. Maybe Jimi Hendrix or some other historical figure. Same goes for the basil brush reference obviously you want your comedy to hit as big a demographic as possible.I love the lines you walk like a moron you swagger so much you have been spotted toppling over three times. Good stuff. I'd give it a good solid six out of ten. No wait a minute make that five. Joking of course make it a four. No really its worth about a six out of ten.

Thanks for that. Good point about the old fashioned guitarist and character. That's a bit annoying, because I'm a huge fan of Van Halen, and want to promote him , lol. I'll think about that. And I just thought Basil Brush was a funny name... Hm..

The Van Halen bit was a personal highlight for me, as it goes!

I enjoyed the pace of it too - but I think having an older psychiatrist might make the scenario funnier, as it would be more out of character for an older person to berate someone like this. Just an opinion though. Feel free to ignore!

Yeah, I was thinking about the Van Halen bit. I think I've seen two Van Halen references on the Simpsons, not TOO long ago, so I think I'll keep it, lol. Sometimes it's nice to please the minorities, isn't it, lol. Thanks for your time.

Hello simon you say you've seen two references to Van Halen in the Simpsons. Just wondering how old those episodes where, since the Simpsons started in the eighties. Plus Van Halen were always much more popular in America than the UK. Ask any one under twenty who he is and I bet their would be a lot who don't know him.

Still this is just my Opinion.

I'm not sure. Maybe 10 years old, now, certainly not their old stuff. As I said, sometimes it's good to make references only a few people get, isn't it? A lot of people get left out for the sake of being mainstream, which often annoys me.