Skit Comp 27.9 - 6.10.16

Cool burqas so congratulations to GAPPY for winking. Your prize is to PM me with a subject for next wank please. I am generous.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - Frankie Rage, me

Your next subject is MYSTERIOUS PIE (chosen by LEE). Making me hungry.
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Italo-US mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 6.10.16

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 45 - Gappy
2 - 20 - Lee
3 - 10 - 404 Not Found, Frankie Rage, me
4 - 5 - Tiggy,

THE CASE OF THE MYSTERIOUS PIE

HOLMES IS EYEING A COMELY PIE ON THE DESK IN FRONT OF HIM WHILE WATSON IS LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW IN A DISTRACTED MANNER.

HOLMES: Well, Watson I don't yet know what to make of it.. it's contents remain a mystery.. ..and why have there been fourteen attempts to steal it.. mmm..

WATSON: I don't know what to make of this either.. there's a one armed, one legged man hopping up the path with an enormous cock..

HOLMES: What, you mean he's got it out?

WATSON: Got it out? He's carrying it perched on his good arm!

HOLMES LEAPS TO HIS FEET AND PUTS HIS ARM AROUND WATSON'S SHOULDER AS THEY BOTH STARE OUT OF THE WINDOW IN DISBELIEF.

HOLMES: Good God, Watson it's Black Jack the one armed, one legged pie snatcher from Bermondsey.. this can mean only one thing..

WATSON: It can?

HOLMES: Yes, his gang will be hereabouts and with their trained fighting cocks they'll snaffle the pie from under our very noses..

WATSON: The pie! You mean.. It's at risk again?

HOLMES: Indubitably, Watson ..bring it and let's hasten to the pantry. Do you have your Service revolver?

WATSON: Of course!

HOLMES: Then have it in hand and be prepared to repel boarders!

BEFORE THEY CAN LEAVE BLACK JACK SMASHES THE WINDOW AND LEERS THROUGH THE BROKEN PANE.

BLACK JACK: Yield that pie!

HOLMES: We will not yield!

BLACK JACK: If you defy me I shall release my rampant cock!

HOLMES: Do you worst, you viper.. Watson..

BLACK JACK LETS THE COCK OFF IT'S LEASH AND IT BURSTS THROUGH THE WINDOW FRAME. WATSON LEVELS HIS SERVICE REVOLVER AND SHOOTS IT DEAD.

HOLMES: Aha!

BLACK JACK RETREATS FROM THE WINDOW AND A SHOUTING AND SCUFFLING IS HEARD AND THEN FADES AWAY.

WATSON: Have they gone, shall we give chase and inform the local constabulary?

HOLMES: No Watson, the pie.. fetch a knife and two plates..

CLIFF HANGER MUSIC. WATSON FETCHES AS REQUESTED AND HOLMES CUTS INTO THE PIE TO REVEAL A DIAMOND NECKLACE.

HOLMES: Lost by the Princess of Moldavia when she visited O'Fockerty's Pie Emporium in.. Bermondsey!!!

WATSON: Case solved?

HOLMES GRABS HIS VIOLIN AND BEGINS TO PLAY A LILTING MELODY

HOLMES: Clearly, Watson.

MANAGER: Oh my God, it's been stolen!

ASSISTANT: Not the magic pie, sir?

MANAGER: Yes, the magic pie! The pie that mathematically defines the roundness of other pies! That pie.

ASSISTANT: Gosh. Were there any witnesses?

MANAGER: Of course, someone was always watching the pie.

ASSISTNT: That would be constant surveillance?

MANAGER: Yes. So someone saw the thief, but, when they started to describe the figure, they found it was quite complex.

ASSISTANT: Sounds irrational to me. Thank goodness we have another magic pie.

MANAGER: Yes, luckily the magic properties are the same for savoury pie and sweet pie. Trouble is, they do say thieves return to the scene opf the crime, do you think they'll try and steal it again?

ASSISTANT: Don't worry, sir, I think there's absolutely no chance of this recurring...

Baker wants to work in a helicopter. Sounds a bit pie in the sky to me.

People's heads turn to stare as it goes walking by,
For they never have seen such a mysterious pie.
Where did it come from? Nobody knows.
And nobody can wait 'til it finally goes.
It's quite cold to the touch compared with some pies,
because it has to stay outdoors because of it's size.
It's skin is all greasy and I think that it's pork,
Although it won't ever tell you because meat pies cannot talk.
It's not that it's evil or does anything wrong
That the locals all hope it will go before long.
It hangs round the chip shop next to the park,
And sometimes the river just as it gets dark.
It lurks by the football pitches to watch, never play,
And visits the library every other Thursday.
It once helped a lady locked out of her house
And calmed down a horse startled by a mouse.
It gives children rides on it's crust just for fun
And acts as a marshal for the local fun-run.
It helped Mrs McCourt sort out her tax form,
And rebuilt the school knocked down by a storm.
But as long as it's around it will always be feared
Because the Mysterious Pie is just creepy and weird.
So the townsfolk trapped it with the help of Police
And tethered it tightly to give them some peace.
The rope used is long so the pie can wander around
And it shows no concern about being bound.
The Pie seems to understand that it must wear it's new leash
Because it too saw the terror of The Mysterious Quiche!

Tiggy.

Got to call GAPPY on this one but Tiggy a close second (special mention).

Tiggy

Frankie for me this week.

Tiggy.