One year on, five drafts later

so, you probably won't remember but I've been submitting the odd script here for feedback the last few years and you've always been very helpful. The last thing I submitted was a few drafts for a sitcom about warehouse life called live/work. Mixed reviews about the first draft, second draft seemed to get worse feedback. So i took a few months off, dug out my computer today and just started from scratch, only really meaning to write a new outline but on seeing that channel 4s comedy blaps were open for submission, ended writing the requisite 3x4 minute scenes for them. it's basically the first 15 pages as that's roughly that many minutes and i thought it might make sense top not chop it up too much.

Bit of history/context - it's always been going to be a show about warehouse life, a slightly amped up version of my own. there's been a lot of different iterations getting to this point , i've included a link to the original thread should you wish to check out what it used to be ( https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/thread/32383/ ) I'm basically after feedback on whether this will work as a submission to comedy blaps, if I should include scenes that maybe aren't chronological - like a bit from when he moves in and what-have-you, if it's remotely funny, or indeed, any good at all, and feedback is basically appreciated!

The rest of episode is pretty much written, i know what'll happen next.. as are the next 5 episodes.. I really take on board what you guys say, so let me know!

here's a link to the 15 page script: https://www.pdf-archive.com/2016/09/20/blap-1/blap.pdf (when you click this link it takes you to some page, if you click download original it just opens in your browser)

i think one thing letting it down is the lack of main character dialogue in the first few pages... doesn't get a chance to show his personality till about half way..

It was easy to read from start to finish. But I'm not too astute. There's a bloke looking for lodgings in a share-house or a new studio apartment? He cycles and takes the tube. Perhaps there needs to be a more exciting opening point or arc to grab the audience's attention? Who is Jack and why should we care?

If you want perfect spelling, then shaman (not shamen) and harlot (not harlet).

Your self-criticism in the above post is interesting. If you think something needs fixing, fix it.

Not sure what criteria for comedy blaps is so can't really comment.
As for the first 15 pages of a comedy - unless it's a comedy about looking for flats I think you should be into the warehouse community sooner.
Essentially you've spent 15 pages doing what could probably be covered in a 60 second montage.
Like Kenneth. I think it needs a more full-on opening.
I understand the need to set up the kind of guy your protagonist is, so as to contrast that with the kind of place he's living in, but find a way to do it that starts you in the middle of the action, rather than on the slow-ramp leading up to it.
On a practical note, lose the "Cut To's" - no-one uses them, they draw your eye away and each one takes up a line - over a 30-40 page script they'll add unnecessary weight.
And on the same theme, I think your descriptions in the action are a bit too 'novelistic'.
All nicely written but gets in the way and slows things down.
I worry that all the ancillary characters are more interesting than your lead - but that may well be a result of the action not really having started yet - he hasn't had a chance to be interesting.
But something to be aware of.

Good luck with whatever the hell blaps is/are!

there's a blap directly below this post! it's called avatards the show chewing gum also started out as a blap..

I get you, they were my own concerns but I wanted to see if other people spotted them or if i was being too self critical. Maybe he needs a flatmate to vent to in the opening scene's, about how he can't live like this and that he's going to check out other places, you could shrink the house visits into a montage (although i like the stuff with the cats and the landlord) keep the banter with his mum coz it's quite nice, I like the old tinder stuff.. then have him get to the warehouse by pages 8-10, be moved in by 15 and be discovering that moving their because of a girl was maybe not the best idea by the end..

Beware holding onto stuff cos you like the dialogue!
And if you only think it's 'quite nice' it's perhaps not something to die in a ditch for.
But you're right - they are funny lines/jokes - they could go anywhere - use them someplace else (his Mum visiting him at the warehouse is already funnier than the cafe - do the gags there) . Don't construct a scene round them, especially not in these crucial first pages.
Not usually a fan of the flashback opening , but this seems like it could carry one off..
Start in some insane situation in the warehouse - hanging off the roof being chased by a chainsaw wielding nun - then freeze and wind back to the beginning?
But I'm still not sure why we can't find out how he got there in a couple of lines.
Bear in mind some people might only read the first ten pages.
They need to know what it's going to be about by then.

you're totally right.
I'm still pleased with this, I think it's the best version of this that i've written - but everyone is totally right, it needs to dive in, at least in the context of grabbing channel 4s attention. I'm going to either start with an interview with the warehouse, with Jack meeting them for the first time, or him waking up after a huge party and skipping back to how he got there.. thanks! I want to get this right, and every bit of feedback is relevant .

it's funny how this stuff goes - you can be so convinced you're on the right track and then all of a sudden, you're cycling through your community, looking at everything, and it hits you, exactly how you're supposed to do it... I think I'm on to something - this was totally wrong.. I'll be back...

It's so difficult to criticise your own work, which is why doing this is very useful to you.

I've just read the script, and agree with the others. You've had 13 pages, and all we know is that a man is looking for a flat. There's really no plot at all to speak of. In a sitcom, you have to have a tight plot, and hit the ground running. It could be something to do with him and his mother - he's living at home, his mother wants to move her new lover in, whom he hates, so there's a subplot of him trying to turn her against her new man...and so on.

And yes, there's way too much narrative. You should just write the minimum to set the scene.

Try and get some jokes in early. I'll take the liberty of rewriting the first few lines.
SCENE I. EXT. JACK'S FLAT.DAY
Squalid alleyway. Jack emerges pushing his bike. He looks up, sees a patch of blue sky.
JACK:
Nice out!
On tramp pissing against wall.
TRAMP:
(Leers)
I'll give you another look later.
Jack reacts and rapidly cycles off.

yeah, i've been doing a lot of research (how nice that in comedy writing watching comedy counts as research) i'm learning a lot, it's been a year of re-writes and re-thinks, and drafts and.. I'm confident i'm on the right track now.. i've completely abandoned this idea - i know where to take it, and i'll be back soon with something hopefully a lot better..

Hello again! I've settled on my idea proper, the whole is thing completely different, i've listened to your comments -its focused, different characters, more concise, to the point, i was only supposed to write 3 four page scenes for this channel 4 thing, but i've almost written an entire episode.. i'm actually happy with this, so very curious to hear any feedback.. no more changes though in terms of story and characters, i'm very set on it now.. https://www.pdf-archive.com/2016/10/25/live-work-episode-one-draft-one/ this is it, it's 17 pages at the moment, just got the last scene or two to write - the last couple of pages are very fresh and will be re-worked, the rest i'm happy with though.. please let me know what you think!

(when you click this link it takes you to some page, if you click download original it just opens in your browser)

Personally I'd cut the first 4 pages - start with her waking up in fancy dress.
All those (quite dense) first pages tell us is that she's a primary school teacher who lives a chaotic lifestyle - something you could get over in a couple of lines.
The story only begins with the arrival of the new guy - the rest is set up.
Even if this was a 110 page screenplay, you've already spent to long on that set-up.
The dialogue is good - if little niche - and your scene descriptors are good - if a little wordy.
But I think to have read 17 pages and still not got to the 'meat'' of the idea (which I presume is still based around the conflict of this new/straight guy in this mad warehouse) is WAY too long.
And will make it a hard sell IMHO.

What Lazzard says. I've got exactly the same criticism as for the previous version: a lack of plot and way too much pointless banter, which is the primary mistake of almost all new sitcom writers.

i don't really see how you could get that scene across in a couple of lines - the whole point of it is to vividly describe how hectic living in a warehouse can be - i agree i can be a little wordy, but it's barely a minute teaser before the show begins properly.. the first episode was intended as a way of introducing the viewer to warehouse life, meeting characters and establishing the setting/feel of the show, culminating with the new guy to shake things up.. each episode after that would have a main plot point, with the series ending with the council trying to throw tenants out.. i don't think this is as lacking as the previous version at all, and to give 'exactly the same' criticism is a little bit reductive.