advice on my fiction?

would someone be willing to read a The Outer Limits/Tales from the Crypt type of story i've written and suggest possible edits or possible changes?

I can send you the story of an American teenage boy who falls victim to a ancient magic medallion and goes from teenage boy with short brown hair to a female Binkie Stuart/Shirley Temple style toddler/preschooler with shoulder length blonde hair.

The purpose of my piece of fiction is to explore gender roles and how young female children are often hyper feminised and cutesie pooed.

Is it funny, Natalie? This is a comedy forum, remember.

There's humour in it, mixed with some seriousness. Gender roles and societies expectations is something i wanted to explore. The humour comes from his younger sister making the transformed him be very girly. Imagine a 18 year old boy in the body of a female toddler and you can have quite a few humorous situations, especially when he has to react to what average people would do when dealing with baby and toddler girls.

Well let's hope your grammar and punctuation are better than shown here.

Most people don't use formal English in practice. For example the Prom dance should be "The Prom" but pretty much everybody calls it just "Prom". And the TV show is "Doctor Who" not "Doctor Whom".

I'm writing for that general audience, not people wanting something to tide them over until their next Shakespeare play.

Haha! A sharp rejoinder there.

"a The Outer Limits"

"to a ancient magic medallion"

"something i wanted"

Still I suppose you are an Antipodean.

Posting on a specific writing forum and seeking advice about your own writing with grammatical errors, and then stating in defence of feedback that most people don't use formal English is like posting on a maths page about a puzzle you're struggling with, stating you're trying to work it out using your seventy five fingers and then when told that you actually only have ten fingers stating, "Most people don't use their fingers to count anyway."

Sorry but most of us comedians voted remain
So we believe in Facts not Ficton

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come off as badly as I have. I do want help.

You're persistent and listen to advice, Natalie, which bodes well!

Quote: Natalie Salat @ 4th September 2016, 4:46 AM

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to come off as badly as I have. I do want help.

View original

In spite of the fact I've criticised you I'd be interested in seeing it.

Quote: Natalie Salat @ 1st September 2016, 11:44 AM

Most people don't use formal English in practice.

View original

I do. But then again, I'm Australian. I'm afraid you can't expect much from the poor old Brits. Surely though, there are websites for budding fiction authors to post their stuff and receive feedback?

I'd like to read a bit if you still need feedback? I'm bad with grammar (so cannot help you there, sorry!) but great with anything involving gender critique, so this sounds like a cool thing. Also, I'm guessing since you posted in a comedy forum that there is indeed some humorous content in there, so I'm sorry someone felt the need to ask you this.

Really like the originality of the idea -I feel like gender issues in teen boys and toddler-age girls are often overlooked but very interesting themes to explore!