I want to feel some negitivity!

Rate this short bit please.

(DAVID is standing on the precipice of the school roof, with his feet just touching the edge. He glances over at the ground, and breathes heavily.)

DAVIDTo himself) Alright David, this is it. The big one. (Pauses) Well, you’ve had a good run. No – actually – you had a crap run. An awful run. If you had had a good run you wouldn’t be on the roof of the school, ready to jump. (Pauses) Oh, come on, keep it together. You’ve only got about (Looks at watch) ten minutes to go until you have Biology. Wait – I won’t have Biology. I’ll be dead. What’s the point in teaching Biology to the dead? Oh God. Alright count to three, then you jump. One. Two. Thr-

(DAVID is interrupted by a bang from behind him as JOSH opens the roof door. He is startled, and narrowly misses falling off. He breathes heavily.)

JOSH:Hey! What you doing out here it’s freezing! Come on, we managed to bust into the chapel safe and get the wine and crackers. (He pulls out a small silver box from his pocket and offers it to DAVID) Jesus?

DAVID: I’m not coming in.

JOSH:Why not?

DAVID:‘Cause I’m killing myself.

JOSH:Killing yourself? (Pauses, as if thinking) That’s a bit of a downer isn’t it?

DAVID:What, killing myself? Well, yes I should expect it to be. I’m being a martyr.

JOSH:You’re being a di-

DAVIDInterrupting) Look, I want to be alone. Go away Josh.

JOSH:Fine! (Bends down to leave) I assume you’re not going to be in Biology?

DAVID:Well, duh.

JOSH:What should I tell Mr. Porter then?

DAVID:Tell him I’m dead.

JOSH:I always do. (Eats a cracker) Yuck! These are disgusting! Here, you have ‘em.

(JOSH gives the box to DAVID and climbs down the roof door.)

DAVIDTo self) Sacrilegious git. (Puts the box down beside him on the roof ledge.) Oh Christ. (To the box) Sorry mate. (pauses) I can’t believe this is really the end. One step and (clicks) it’s gone. I guess I’ve had my small impact on the world. Now it’s time to have a bigger impact on the pavement. Count to three. One. Two. Thr-

All I've got so far

Like the dialogue - nice flow. Do you know where this is heading, or are you just winging it (no bad thing IMO)?

It's difficult to judge this without any context. What do you see this being exactly? Is it a sit com?

Erm, well, to be true, it's a rough idea for my A level general RE. You can do a script, song etc. Basically I want to see how far I can push the boundaries before he rips it up. It's supposed to be about 'suffering' so I'm doing it on suicide (I find it a funny topic.)

Life is but a joke.

It's not badly written to my mind but there is not enough yet to say much more than that.

The subject matter is fine for me, all subject matter is valid and available to the comedy writer IMHO. Whether others will like it though is down to their POV and the subjectivity that goes with it.

Totally agree with you Frankie. I'll write more, when I have less homework.

Thanks everyone!

Pretty good so far. You need to think up an unexpected twist at the end me reckons.

Well written but it's only a beginning methinks.

I'm afraid I didn't really find it that funny.

What's the point of it?

what is going to be the punchline?

it may make sense if the end was there

I will say that the dialogue had a nice flow to it, which is really saying something if you're still in school. Keep it up young man/lady.

Quote: Hoskinator @ October 9, 2007, 2:12 PM

I'm afraid I didn't really find it that funny.

What's the point of it?

what is going to be the punchline?

it may make sense if the end was there

View original

Surely not everything needs a punchline, especially for something longer than a sketch. And as I did say, I have in no way finished.

Quote: David Bussell @ October 9, 2007, 2:21 PM

Keep it up young man/lady.

View original

'Tis lady. Thank you!

Certainly well-written. Not sure why his friend would leave alone him so readily. And maybe we already need a (cryptic?) clue regarding the nature of his 'martyrdom'.

Quote: Treenifer @ October 8, 2007, 4:17 PM

I'm doing it on suicide (I find it a funny topic.)

View original

Last year, I sent the BBC a comedy/drama idea with the central character encountering a different suicidal person each episode - with differing end-results. They (among other thoughts) thought the central premise would soon pall but might work as a "wry epilogue to each episode".

Good idea Johnny D. I doubt it'll ever be anything outside school work, so it'll probably only be one twenty/thirty minute thing.