Skit Comp 18 - 26.5.16

Haven't been so full of beans since 57 Rowan Atkinsons shagged me so congratulations to OTTERFOX for winking. PM me with a subject for next wank apiss please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Otterfox
1 - 5 - Gappy
Special mention: me

Your next subject is RUBBISH (chosen by Gappy).
Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except Spanish geese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to post just your entry/vote.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 26.5.16

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 10 - Otterfox
2 - 5 - Gappy

SFX: DOORBELL & DOOR OPENING

ROG: Hi.

BRIAN: Can I help you?

ROG: More like the other way round. Rag and bone man. Do you have any rags?

BRIAN: What?

ROG: Rags. Would you, sir, happen to be of the having of some rags?

BRIAN: Do you mean little scraps of old material?

ROG: Yeah, rags. Tatters. Stringy clippings. Do you have any?

BRIAN: No, of course not!

ROG: You were quite quick to answer, sir. Are you sure you don't want to check? In case there are some rags you forgot?

BRIAN: I most definitely, without any fear of a doubt, do not have any rags.

ROG: Oh. Would you like some, then?

BRIAN: No!

ROG: Now, come on, you've not even seen them yet.

BRIAN: Listen. I do not have any rags, and neither do I desire any rags. I have no need for rags.

ROG: Got you [Beat] How about bones?

BRIAN: Bones..as in...bones?

ROG: Yeah. Rags and bones, a classic combo. Rags and bones, they go together like horse and carriage, or sticks and blood, or dung and entrails. You can;t have a rag without a bone.

BRIAN: But I don't have a rag.

ROG: Oh yeah, I forgot. And, just to recap, you don't want a-

BRIAN: No, I do not want a rag.

ROG: Right. No rags, no bones, got you. Well, I guess I'll bid you good day , then.

BRIAN: Good! Day!

ROG: Oh, wait though! Before you go...
BRIAN: Yes?

ROG: Teeth and charcoal?

SFX: DOOR SLAMS

ROG: Heh heh, brilliant: I get to keep all the rags. Victory to me once again.

INT. OFFICE. DAY.

MR. SNUT SITS BEHIND A DESK WRITING. LARRY SITS UPRIGHT AT THE OTHER SIDE OF THE DESK.

SNUT:
...And your name?

LARRY:
Larry Beast.

SNUT:
Larry with two R's I assume?

LARRY
No, actually it's Larry with four 'R's, two 'I's and a silent 'T'.

SNUT:
So; L-A-R...?

LARRY:
L-A-R-R-R-R-I-I-T - Larry.

SNUT:
Great. And Beast is the same spelling as in a brute or a savage?

LARRY;
Exactly. S-A-V-A-G-E - Beast.

SNUT:
Right. And you came here to...?

LARRY:
Find out the time.

SNUT:
Ok, it's 25 to 10.

LARRY:
Good lord! It was supposed to be 9:30.

SNUT:
What was supposed to be 9:40?

LARRY:
Just your murder.

SNUT:
Ah alright...what!!!??? What do you mean my murder?

LARRY:
I was to come in here, guide you over to the window where the lovely Tony from across the street; give him a wave; was to shoot you dead. God he's going to think I'm awfully rude now. He's very punctual you see. Hates to be late for a killing.

SNUT:
I can imagine.

RECEPTIONIST (INTERCOM):
Mr. Snut, a Kenneth Rosper to see you.

SNUT:
What does he want?

LARRY:
Something about murdering you sir.

SNUT:
Hmm give me a minute Susan.

LARRY:
Busy day huh!

SNUT:
Tell me about it. All go.

LARRY:
If I can ask you if you would allow us to do the honours. Poor Tony will be distraught if he can't do it.

SNUT:
I know, I know.

LARRY:
It's just that he's had a very tough time of it recently with his wife passing and his kids not talking to him. You know what teenagers can be like when you kill their mother.

SNUT:
I can imagine. Would it be too much to ask to maybe not be killed at all?

LARRY:
Oh I don't know. That's highly unorthodox. We are all trained assassins. If I'm honest I can hardly restrain myself.

SNUT:
Well that's very nice of you to say. I'm flattered but I um I don't really swing that way. You see I'm more into the whole living thing.

LARRY:
Really?!! You wouldn't like a long relaxing rest to be discovered in years to come by a lame cocker spaniel on a rubbish tip?

SNUT:
I don't know.

LARRY:
I really much press you. Tony becomes such a grumpy little scamp when he's not allowed to kill.

SNUT:
I'm going to leave it for today I think. Send my apologies to Tony. I really do feel like a spoil sport... Oh and if you can tell Kenneth in reception that its again a no.

LARRY:
Right-o.

LARRY OPENS THE DOOR AND A KNIFE THUDS INTO THE DOOR INCHES FROM HIS HEAD.

SNUT:
Oh and happy Almost Being Killed Day.

LARRY:
Many happy escapes!

SNUT TAKES A SHEET OF PAPER FROM HIS DESK AND LEANS AGAINST THE WINDOW AS HE READS IT. IT SWIVELS OPEN AND HE HELPLESSLY FALLS OUT.

CUT TO SNUT ON THE PATH OUTSIDE LOOKING UP TO THE WINDOW HE FELL FROM WHICH IS SEVERAL STOREYS HIGH. HE DUSTS HIMSELF OFF AND CASUALLY WALKS BACK INTO THE BUILDING.

BEETLEMUM

TV STUDIO.

REPORTER Hi listeners and welcome to 'Pop Goes The Weasel' - lucky old weasel.

CANNED LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE.

REPORTER Now out here we're big fan of great pop music - Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin, Spice Girls... Only joking, Pink Floyd were shit. Anyway we're gonna discuss a lesser-known band you probably never heard of. The Beatles. And the issue of plagiarism regarding the Monkees.

I'm sorry to say but yes, the Beatles would not have existed without the Monkees. Notice incidentally the strange spelling of 'Beatles', echoing that of the superior group. Fact is, when John - what's his name? - and Paul McCarthy saw that sitcom, they immediately decided to create 'a Brit Monkees'. In fact, if you watch said shitcom and 'A Hard Dick's Night', you'll see that they used all the visuals from that bag of shite com. Indeed, the first Beatles single 'Paperback Writer' borrowed heavily from The Monkees' classic 'Last Train To C**tsville': What's-His-Name even used the same chord structure but in the same order.

Remember, The Beatles were not a band in the same sense as The Monkees, rather fuctional characters in a TV show. There were obvious parallels in characterisation, comedy and filming, but the four Beatles were contracted as actors not musicians, even though What's-His-Face and McCarthy had experience with musicians and Ringo Starr. Early shit was recorded using top session musicians and Ringo Starr, with vocals from the Beatles and Ringo Starr. No big deal there, no more so than realising that the Thunderbirds are not real people. (earphone) Sorry? I'll explain later... The problem came when Parlophone tried to imply the Beatles and Ringo Starr themselves were playing on the records. By this time the group had already started making live appearances where they did play their own instruments so they then insisted on making their own records. It's worth noting that the Monkees accepted friendship with the Beatles and not in the Facebook sense.

This is in no way denigrating What's-His-Thing, McCarthy, George Harrison Ford and the other one. Some of their stuff was good shit, especially 'Let It Be Me', 'Imagination' and the other one. But there was a desire to cash in on the success of The Monkees and in the words of Rory Bremner, imitation is the sincerest form of flattening.

I've it whittled it down to a top three. Another close decision this time. It's Mikey Monkhouse that claims victory for me but I did enjoy Gappys rag and bone man too.

It's so hard I want to toss.
Otterfox but very close.

I'm a Mikey Monkey man this week.