INT. DAPPER ELDERLY MANS LARGE HOUSE. DAY.
BARRY:
Hello sir, I'm journalist Barry Harp. I'm sure you've heard of me.
OLD MAN:
No.
BARRY:
Probably just gone a bit deaf. Anyway I've graced your house today as I'm working on a yearbook of all the old codg- pensioners in the locality. I'm sure you have a few stories to tell.
OLD MAN:
Nope. Nothing.
BARRY:
Come on, were you in a war; did you play a sport; achieve some magical feat.
OLD MAN:
(INTEREST PERKED) Magic? The best magicians I ever saw was Melbrook Fantasu. They were the best he ever was magicianwise - ever?
BARRY:
And whose the other one?
OLD MAN:
The other one what?
BARRY:
You keep referring to magicians. Whose the second one?
OLD MAN:
The second one was the one and only Melbrook Fantasu.
BARRY:
So he was two magicians?
OLD MAN:
Exactly right. It was his final act on his final night. Turned himself into two. Some say he was only half a man after that night and he never magicked again.
BARRY:
Oh come on, dividing into two? It's all smoke and mirrors.
OLD MAN:
He did that one too. The first person to turn smoke into mirrors. He can't be bested.
BARRY:
What about Houdini?
OLD MAN:
Houdini? He wasn't fit to tie the laces on his straitjacket. Speaking of straitjackets, Melbrook once tied himself into one in less than ten seconds. He then escaped back out of it even quicker. The best part was that his hands were tied the whole time.
BARRY:
Seriously! It was obviously just a fake knot on the rope.
OLD MAN:
There was no rope.
BARRY:
Handcuffs, whatever.
OLD MAN:
No handcuffs either. He had knotted his fingers together.
BARRY:
Impossible.
OLD MAN:
That's what I'm telling you, he could do the impossible. Did you ever see someone walk on nothing?
BARRY:
You mean lie down?
OLD MAN:
No I do not mean lying down, I mean hovering two feet above the ground walking on clear air as fresh as the air I now breathe.
HE BREATHES DEEPLY AND COUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY.
OLD MAN:
Good God! Your cologne smells like horses earwax.
BARRY:
Excuse me, I got it in a specialised perfumery, Walton & Mables.
OLD MAN:
Walton & Stables more like, it's rotten.
BARRY:
There's something wrong with your nose mate!
OLD MAN:
Ah The Nose of Nowhere, another trick that-
BARRY:
Look!...So what happened to this genius of men? Why is he not lauded from the highest heights?
OLD MAN:
He performed the ultimate disappearing act by managing to eradicate all traces of himself from history.
BARRY:
So how do you know about him?
KNOWING LOOK ON OLD MANS FACE WITH A TWINKLE IN HIS EYE.
LONG BEAT.
BARRY:
You're not suggesting that you're him?
CONTINUED KNOWING LOOK.
OLD MAN:
All I'll say to you is this; see this pedal - used to cycle horses around a stage. And this hat here, that was pulled out of a rabbit. Trees were turned into magnets-
BARRY:
Absolutely ridiculous! You're just naming random objects and ascribing outlandish and crazy feats to them. You're insane.
OLD MAN:
You see this burst ball. It's what's known as a future ball. It's actually not burst at all yet but a few minutes from now BOOM! It can foretell a future burst.
BARRY STANDS UP.
BARRY:
Wasting my time. I'm weeks behind as it is and you've wasted my whole bloody morning on cycling horses, knotted fingers and balls that can tell the bloody future!
HE STORMS OUT THE DOOR AND DOWN THE STEPS. HE SEES A MAN TENDING TO THE GARDEN. IT LOOKS TO BE THE SAME OLD MAN.
BARRY:
Hey! Wha-? How did-? No, no, no, no, no.
BARRY SITS INTO HIS CAR AND SCREECHES AWAY. A BALL RUNS UNDER THE CAR AND BURSTS. HE SWERVES AND DRIVES INTO A TREE.
BARRY:
A magnet tree! What the hell is going on? Someone get me out of here!
HIS DOOR OPENS AND TWO PAIRS OF HANDS WITH KNOTTED FINGERS REACH IN TO PULL HIM OUT.
