Burger board sketch

Just listened to last night's Finnemore, and he addressed this, so I'll probably put this sketch in the bin. I rather liked it, but my group thought it was far too easy a target, and has been on the pile for one of them to rewrite for - ahem - 15 months. Must get that rewrite system sorted out...

GLYNN: So, Barry, your first appraisal from the area managers - don't be frightened!

BARRY: [Nervous chuckle] I'll do my best.

GLYNN: Good man. We're only here to ensure that the venue is running as smoothly as it can, not to put our oars in and argue. We just want successful service industry management.

VISHNA: And synergy.

GLYNN: And, yes, Vishna's quite keen on synergy. So, the good news, the locals seem to like you, the beer is selling well, and the pub quiz is a roaring success. Also, we thoroughly enjoyed our lunch.

BARRY: Great.

VISHNA: Although...

BARRY: Sorry?

GLYNN: Although...well, look, I wasn't sure I'd even mention it, but we weren't convinced by the burger.

BARRY: Oh, is the smoked cheddar too overpowering? I wondered about that.

VISHNA: No, the food was delicious, but it - how can I put this? It didn't deliver. Culturally.

BARRY: Sorry, you'll have to errm...

GLYNN: Barry, we don't want people to just think that they're eating a burger in a pub.

BARRY: Although they are.

GLYNN: Although they are, but you need to go the extra mile. With the presentation.

VISHNA: And the synergy.

GLYNN: Well, one thing at a time, Vishna. You see, Barry, we don't like the plates.

VISHNA: We hate the plates, Barry.

GLYNN: Precisely, plate-hatred marred our dining experience, and that'll cost you revenue, sure as eggs is fried.

BARRY: I can get new plates.

VISHNA: God no! Don't rub salt in the wounds, man. Destroy the plates. Destroy all plates.

GLYNN: From now on, you need to serve your burgers on a board.

BARRY: Like a chopping board, Glynn?

GLYNN: Exactly like that. Burgers on wood is the new thing. It's fresh; it's brave; it's paradigm shifting.

VISHNA: Plus everyone's doing it.

BARRY: Right. And the chips, do you want them on the board too?

VISHNA: God yes. A separate one, preferably.

GLYNN: You got it, Vishna. A board for the burger, a plank for the chips, and a small hunk of two b' four for the side salad.

VISHNA: Garnish timber, great concept, Glynn.

BARRY: Right, so, just to recap, you think the food will sell better if every element is on a separate chunk of tree?

GLYNN: Got it in one. And, you know, smear the mustard on some redwood as well, get rid of these hideous jars.

VISHNA: Condiment slats! That is synergy!

BARRY: Erm. Right. I can do that, if you think it will help.

GLYNN: And make the tables bigger.

VISHNA: For the boards.

GLYNN: That's right, Vishna, big enough for the myriad boards. Right, I think that's us done, Barry, so we'll drop you a line about the-

VISHNA: Soup!

BARRY: Pardon me?

VISHNA: Brainwave: serve the soup on boards.

GLYNN: Oh, Christ, yes: those bowls are repulsive. Soup on boards!

VISHNA: Soup boards.

GLYNN: Board soup.

BARRY: But...but...soup doesn't go on boards.

VISHNA: No, Barry, soup does go on boards. It just doesn't stay on boards.

GLYNN: Which is fine, because that way people will know it's fresh.

BARRY: No, this is silly, stop telling me how to run a pub. I've run tons of pubs, and nobody at any point has ever complained that there wasn't enough lumber on their tables.

GLYNN: We want the boards, Barry. [Sinister] I hope I'm making myself clear.

BARRY: I'll give you boards, Glynn! You can have boards! If you want, I'll serve the Sunday roasts on a vast deciduous platter! I'll display each solitary croquette on a separate oaken trestle, if it shuts you up, but I will not have my staff trying to serve liquids on a plank, alright? Hell's bells, humanity has spent millennia perfecting the bowl as the perfect vessel in which to offer soup, and I'm not going to turn my back on that and start painting minestrone onto a pile of f**king lintels to appease the fatuous whims of two rubber-brained trend-sniffers who've never pulled a pint in their lives, got it?

GLYNN: We get it. Hey, I think there's some issues we need to work through, here.

VISHNA: I don't even know what the opposite of synergy is, but you just did it.

BARRY: I know I'm right here.

GLYNN: Fine, keep the bowls.

VISHNA: [Quickly] For a six week trial period pending review.

GLYNN: Obviously. Come on, Barry, let's all have a drink to calm down, on me.

VISHNA: Oh yeah, we're all friends really. I'll have a gin and tonic.

BARRY: Alright, fine. Look, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to shout, and I know this is a new business relationship, but -

VISHNA: Jesus, Barry, don't serve me a sodding G&T in a sodding glass! Nobody does that shit any more. Use a jam jar, a lab beaker, a samples bottle, anything.

GLYNN: How about a bowl?

VISHNA: Someone just got Area Manager Of The Year, Glynn!

BARRY: Aaaaargh!!

Yep, good stuff. There's a lot of dialogue here and it may seem like some of needs cutting but not much of it does, really. A lot of writers (e.g. me) are so afraid of overwriting and of not getting to the jokes quickly enough that what we write becomes choppy and formulaic (I would suggest trimming in some other sketches you've written though).

Some criticism - I don't think Barry should be as clearly angry as he is. It's a too-worn sketch trope that characters get angrier than the situation would really warrant. I think Barry should either be frustrated or angry but unable to express it (he is, after all, talking to his superiors). You could have the same jokes from Barry, just tweak his emotional state a bit. Oh, and definitely get rid of the "Aaaaargh!!" Why? Because who ever says Aaaaargh? The last thing Vishna says is good enough as a punchline. Aaaaargh is incongruent and cheesy. Also, cut the swearing (not because I'm a prude, but because you're basically halving your potential audience by including it).

Not surprised you're a fan of Finnemore (a sketch writer so good we should only refer to him by his surname). I don't think it's a problem you've written on the same subject. Not enough people listen to his show anyway so very few people will assume you've copied it. JF has definitely used sketch premises that I've heard before and I've wondered whether he's unconsciously lifted things. There was a 2009 Radio 4 show called Laurence And Gus - Hearts And Minds. Souvenir Programme and Laurence And Gus - Hearts and Minds had some very similar sketch premises. Noticeably, both shows had very similar sketches about cuckoos and chess pieces (JF wrote for both shows but I know he didn't write those particular sketches in Laurence and Gus - Hearts and Minds).

For the record, I think JF is too good a writer (and presumably too good a person) to purposely steal. But hey, if he's used a sketch premise that's been done before maybe you can too (as long as you're not stealing).

End... of... long... meandering... post.

Thanks, Yacob, really appreciate those thoughts.

Firstly, I doubt Johnny F would accuse me of stealing his sketch (unless he came to one of our shows in Oxford, which seems unlikely), nor do I think that many people in the audience would make the connection, even if they'd heard last week's JFSP. However, it kind of put the nail in the coffin of this sketch, because we were concerned it was a bit of a hackneyed subject, and so this just seals the deal. There were odd similarities though, not just the gist, but particular phrases like "chopping bioard" and "sodding G&T"

Your point about a central character becoming angry being formulaic is bang on, really good observation - I think I often visualise sketches with this arc, because I have such strong images in my head from childhood of sketches in which John Cleese or Hugh Laurie become apopleptic. The problem with using that as a model, is that none of us are John Cleese or Hugh Laurie.

Also take your point about the last line, it's probably not required - although, just for the record, I don't think the actor would literally say "aaargh", exactly, it would be better written as "[Scream of frustration]", or what have you.

You're also right about the swearing, but as the sketch was only ever written for one of our shows, where naughty words are de rigeur, probably not a worry. Seriously, say a naughty word and someone new will laugh who hadn't found the general concept funny: depressing, perhaps, but true in our experience.

Oh, and I definitely agree that cutting isn't always the answer to making a sketch better. It certainly can be, and we've been quite ruthless before, but I think in a sketch like this if the rhythm is right then it can be leisurely, because you have to leave space to pile on the synonyms/variations. I do, basically, just love a list sketch.

This is the first draft, and generally sketches would need a fiddle or 2 before being performed. To me, here the rhythm isn't right in the big rant, and that's the real problem. I also wondered whether all the synergy stuff is too close to lines from Lyndsey Naegle in The Simpsons.

Some good detailed critique from Yacob (is he an industry insider?).

Agree the sketch is a little 'cant see the jokes for the trees'. It doesn't have your usual cleaver wordplay (I realise that that might come with a rewrite). Though I did like 'trend sniffers'

The repeated use of timber is basically labouring the same joke - you could try getting ever more absurd - serving the meat course not on a plate but on the fish course, serving the chips in a pencil case...I am sure you can think of some better examples.

You could also move away from the existing character dynamic by having the serving suggestions being given by the chef to the landlord. With the punch being LANDLORD "have you been spinning the f**king plates again?"

As usual WTFDIK so please feel free to ignore.

Serving the meat course on the fish course is very funny - or, even better, serving the starter inside the dessert. ANyway, I think I'll let this one die a natural death, without any surgery