Skit Comp 3 - 11.2.16

Phwoarsome stuff so congratulations to PLAYFULL and OTTERFOX for winning. PM me with a subject apiss for next wank please. (Mixing my metaphors.)
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Playfull, Otterfox
1 - 5 - Gappy, me
Special mention: James

Your next subject: FAME (chosen by PLAYFULL).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 11.2.16

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 45 - Playfull
2 - 40 - Gappy
3 - 15 - me
4 - 10 - Scratchyr, Otterfox
5 - Steve Sunshine, Crindy, James

KINKIE AFRO

IMAGE: African kid starving.

TV PRESENTER: See this poor, starving, emaciated African child? He looks like a cross between Victoria Beckham, and another Victoria Beckham... Just one Euro a month could help him... (cries) Just ONE EURO... I suppose you don't have one little Euro? Well I've seen you... You smoke five cigarettes a day. You drink coffee in the bar, you could make it at home. You eat McDonald's instead of buying from supermarket. But not one Euro, eh? You f**king wanking f**king f**ker.

(PAUSE)

Celeb news now, and Miley Cyrus just spent 6205207664354670 bucks on her AWESOME new dress she's flaunting fabulously at the MTV Music awards. Go Miley, we loves yer, you're totally AWESOME! We caught up with Miley in her 8264598698587486534566897098759070-dollar yaucht by the 57239-star hotel she just bought, she says she'll burn the outfit after the awards cos she wouldn't be seen dead in the same stuff twice. It's the kinda att you just gotta love! Go girl, go go go Miley, you're the best.

Seeing as Michael did exactly what I thought of (and probably better) here's my other idea...

1: Budge up. It's time for Shed To Shed.

2: I don't want to watch people building sheds.

1: Yes you do, it's the embodiment of Englishness.

2: It's made in Cardiff.

1: Excellent - 21st century multi-cultural England. Now, be quiet, so we can - aww! It's the celebrity version.

2: So?

1: So, I hate the celebrity version. I never know who the celebrities are.

2: It tells you at the start.

1: No, I always turn that bit down, the guy with the speech defect. Can't understand a word he says. Where did they find him, eh?

2: Cardiff.

1: Hmmm. But, anyway, even if I do listen to the floppy-mouthed narrator, I still don't know who they are. They're supposed to be celebrities. I mean, who's he?

2: Actor.

1: And who's she?

2: Dancer.

1: And what's that guy ever done?

2: Popped a crisp bag at a state funeral.

1: I don't remember. Oh, this is rubbish, they're not celebrities unless you've heard of them.

2: Someone's heard of them.

1: Oh, someone's heard of everyone! Not enough people have heard of these ones.

2: Is there a calibrated celebrity scale?

1: No, don't be stupid.

2: Good.

1: Just a simple threshold.

2: Oh, just watch the sheds, then. You always say the creosote is the star.

1: No! I can't watch celebrities I don't recognise, it's a paradox. This way, it's just a bunch of people I've never heard of building a shed, which is pointless.

2: That's what it is every week!

1: Yeah, I know but...the English people are plucky, they work hard for their sheds. These bloody celebrities, they've had everything handed to them, they live in a fantasy world of constant recognition.

2: You'd imagine.

1: Yeah, well...Anyway, you can tell they're not real shed-lovers.

2: Shall I switch it off, then?

1: Yeah. No, let's just...see what happens.

2: Yes, I thought we might.

1: Yes. Oh, look, it's John Nettles! Now *that* is more like it...

Fame sketch

Two producers and the just announced winner , Jake, make their way past screaming fans at the grand finale of big brother . Getting past adoring fans the security guards usher them to the backstage area where things are less hectic

Producer 1 - wow that was incredible never seen such a reaction!

Producer 2 - amazing! You deserve every bit if it Jake , you were superb in that house

Jake - oh right cheers it was a good laugh

Producer 2 - a good laugh? Jake I don't think you realise the effect you have had on the country

Jake - gone a bit mad has it?

Producer 1 - Jake in the last ten weeks the whole country has fallen in love with you

Producer 2 - well not sure love is quite the right word...

Producer 1 glares at producer 2

Producer 1 - with your natural charm , your funny sayings and your rugged good looks, you've won the hearts of the nation !

Producer 2 - you got more votes than all the other big brother winners combined , they've discussed the Jake Effect in parliament and all other TV shows stopped transmitting when you were on

Producer 1 - Gogglebox has gone , the Top Gear comeback has been delayed and Noel Edmonds and those boxes have been cancelled

Producer 2 - and this time he won't be coming back

Jake - wow I can't believe it , little old me ?

Producer 2 - yes , there's something else jake ...you've had quite an effect on other men , all men

Jake - oh ?

Producer 1 - you see you've awoken something unexpected , unknown

Producer 2 - some would say unnatural in the male population

Jake - what do you mean ?

Producer 1 - in a nutshell you've turned the entire male population gay

Jake - Eh?

Producer 2 - every man from 18-80 Jakey bear , builders , bakers , bankers and blacksmiths - all bummers now

Jake - you what? How can that be? What about the women?

Producer 2 - oh they love you too Jakey .

Producer 1 - men want to be with you , women want to go out shopping with you , take you home and then watch men being with you

Producer 2 - (looking all dreamy) yes, being with you over and over again

Jake - oh Christ!

Producer 1 - don't worry Jake think about the potential here. You are the nations sweetheart - the world is your oyster;, what do you want to do next?

Jake - um well I mean maybe it would be nice to be on TV , maybe my own show?

Producer 1 - hmm yes TV hmmm I was thinking of you in films , the big screen

Jake - (enthusiastic) really?

Producer 1 - already had an offer from Hollywood

Jake - what is it? A thriller , rom com? Horror?

Producer 2 - more of a documentary style film jake

Producer 1 - (sheepishly) yes it's sort of based on your success in the house

Jake - (suspicious) what's it called?

Producer 2 - celebrity big bugger . Basically Jakey cakey its you and eleven famous porn actors and ten weeks of fu...

Jake - whoa I'm not doing that!!

Producer 1 - ok ok maybe that's a step too far. Let's not run before we can walk

Producer 2 - to be fair three months filming and he'll be lucky to be able to do either

Jake looking terrified

Producer 1 glares at Producer 2

Jake - no I can't do any of that stuff. I'm not gay I don't want to be some pin up I just wanted to win the show , maybe get on a few reality show on itv2 (voice gets shaky) and become a regular on celebrity juice (begins crying and holds head in hands)

Producer 1 - (supportive) shhh Jakey Jakey its ok . Look let's leave this for now - it's been a long crazy day ! go back to the hotel - catch up with the family and we'll pick this up in the morning, yeah?

(Jake wipes his tears away and nods)

Jake - yeah ok it's just a lot to take in, you know

(begins to walk out of room with Producer 1)

Producer 1 - (arm around jake) sure , sleep on it , things will look different in the morning. But before you go - chat shows - who do you want to go on first , Graham Norton or Alan Carr ?

Jake starts sobbing uncontrollably and Producers 1 and 2 begin to cuddle him with great enthusiasm

Ends

This is a spoof article I submitted to 'News Thump' but it wasn't used, so thought as the Wogan sketch I was working on was so shite I might as well use it instead

Beyoncé comes out as black at superbowl show.

Pop sensation Beyonce stunned the 70 thousand fans in the Levi Stadium as well as the millions watching around the world on TV, when she 'came out' as black during the Super bowl half time show. It was immediately clear as soon as she started singing that she was performing as a black artist (in a blond wig).

After the show she emphatically denied that this was just a publicity stunt. She pointed out that now as a black person she was 50% more likely to be shot by a policeman and 75% more likely to have a knife planted on her afterwards.

She went on to say that this was something she had been thinking about for a while and it was not just a fashion choice. She added defiantly, "even if it means I am excluded from ever being nominated for that Oscar, I have gone Black, and I won't go back." To emphasise the point she poignantly held up a picture of a pasty Michael Jackson.

It is thought that she will now use her fame to become a spokesperson for the many issues faced by the Black community in todays America.

When asked, President Obama was quoted as saying "I always thought she was Black anyway, but then I'm more of a Latte, so what do I Know?"

Beyonce is not the first trans-pigment artist. In 2014 a British man Hugh Laurie tried to 'come out' as a Black singer'. After failing to convince anyone on either count it is believed he went back to medicine.

They're all good this week, great work. I'm going to go for James, just for the high gag quota (I liked "run before you can walk"), but well done everyone.

Diarrhea, ejaculation, menstruating... It's a running order. James again.

My pick this week is Gappy - all very good though

Tough call...

Stylee by a short nose hair.