Skit Comp 12 - 19.1.16

Phwoarsome stuff so congratulations to PLAYFULL and SCRATCHYR for winning. PM me with a subject please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
2 - 10 - Playfull, Scratchyr
1 - 5 - James
Special mention: Gappy, me

Your next subject: ROYALTY (chosen by Playfull).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition closes: 19.1.16

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 30 - Gappy
2 - 25 - Playfull
3 - 10 - Scratchyr, me
4 - 5 - Steve Sunshine, Crindy, James

Pop Royalty

David Bowie arrives at the pearly gates and is greeted by St Peter.

St PETER: Greetings traveller may I have your name that I may check you are in the book?

DB: David Bowie.

St PETER: (St Peter checks his book). Sorry, there is no David Bowie listed.

DB: It might be under David Robert Jones?

St PETER: (Checks book again). Sorry there is no David Robert Jones either.

DB: Strange, could it be because I used to describe myself as 'not quite an atheist'?

St PETER: No. To be honest that would describe just about everyone in there who isn't staff.

DB: Try Ziggy Stardust?

St PETER: (Checking). Nope.

DB: Aladdin Sane?

St PETER: No.

DB: Jean Genie?

St PETER: Sorry.

DB: The Thin White Duke?

St PETER: (Pauses whilst checking) Oh.

DB: Yes?

St PETER: No.

DB: Major Tom?

St PETER: No.

DB: Blackstar?

St PETER: No.

DB: Lazarus?
St PETER: We've already got one. You're not Keith Richards by any chance?

DB: No, why?

St PETER: He's very overdue.

DB: Well what do I do now?

St PETER: I hear purgatory is quite nice.

DB: Look can't you just let me in? All my musical hero's will be in there. (St Peter shakes his head) But God's a big music fan isn't he?

St PETER: (Thinks for a moment, then leans forward and whispers) Look I'm trying to help you.

DB: (Whispers) What?

St PETER: The big man loves a bit of music. It's just that... you have to remember that a thousand years is but a moment to him. And he tends to like to hear the same song over and over again. And I mean over and over...

A HUGE DEEP VOICE BOOMS OUT.

GOD: Peter, is the laughing gnome bloke here yet.

St PETER: (Shouting). No sir, not yet.

DB: Purgatory?

St PETER: (pointing). That way. Keep going until you get a whiff of sulphur then sharp right and listen out for Elvis and Lennon duetting.

Well it's topical and vaguely relevant so... (Note to self: Stop justifying every entry. If your mother'd done that, you wouldn't be here.)

CASHES TO CASHES

NEWSREADER Good morning listeners and welcome to TV Tonight. This afternoon, rock royalty, F-F-FASION! and Stoke were stunned by tragic music news. Yes, the Spice Girls are reforming.

The sad notification appeared this morning on the band's official Twitter page, Facebook and all over the f**king Net, after 18 years' struggling against oblivion, Mel B CDs and 18 years. Stunning voces, style gurus and of course milestone music - the Girls had none of this, but did give me and countless others something to slap the purple-headed yoghurt slinger over when Mummy and Daddy'd blocked our Internet porn, the bastards. I'm over it now. Bastards.

The ladies' career spanned over three songs, from the wanky synthpop of 'Wannabe' to the wanky synthpop of 'Who do you think you are?' to the wanky synthpop of 'Wannabe' again and of course the famous Basingstoke trilogy of 97 - 99: 'Spice', 'Spiceworld', and the one without Geri on it. That's two less good things on the cover. In particular Vix became known as the Thin White Puke, a true chameloen, she certainly looked like one, from the mean, moody and magnificent look of 96 to the moody, magnificent and mean look of 97 to the magnificent, mean and moody look of 98. Or was she just Posh-turing?

After phenomenal, worldwide lack of talent they retired from the live scene to concentrate on their beloved bank accounts, but music's tragic gain has provoked international tribute, from Paul McCartney's 'Who?' to David Bowie's 'Who?' to Liam Gallagher's 'Who the f**k?' and Geri's 'Woman Power!' The gigs promise fun, entertainment and a song in the middle of the fifth show.

THAMUS: It's ready, sire. What do you think?

KING: Oh, excellent. I'm sure it's a fantastic door. There's nothing a dwarf likes more than a good sturdy door - except mining, hating elves, beards, axes, and actually liking elves quite a lot after all.

THAMUS: Yep, they're my top 5, too.

KING: Haha! Capital. So, Thamus, may I have the key?

THAMUS: No, my lord. There is no key.

KING: No key? Thamus, I may not know much about doors...but actually, I do, in fact, know an awful lot about doors, and I know a door has to have a key.

THAMUS: Not this one. Up the top, above the door, it says "Speak, friend, and enter".

KING: So, your mate's got the key?

THAMUS: No, sire, it's a magical lock. Imagine you're trying to open it. Do what it says.

KING: Speak?

THAMUS: Yes.

KING: Err, hello, door. Open up. Chop chop, come on, shake a hinge. I'm king you know/

THAMUS: Aha! Now, imagine if the word you were to speak were to be the word "friend", the door just might open.

KING: Friend?

THAMUS: That's the one. The clue was right there all along! Clever, don't you think?

KING: No it wasn't.

THAMUS: Speak, friend, and enter.

KING: Doesn't make any sense.

THAMUS: No, it's like a joke. What it is, you see, is-

KING: No, I get it, Thamus. But it doesn't work. "Say friend and enter", that would work - well, with the minor addition of some inverted commas - but speak friend? Absolute garbage. It's not idiomatic. It's a shit joke.

THAMUS: I think it works.

KING: It definitely does not.

THAMUS: Ah, well, it doesn't matter, really. The inscription won't be in English.

KING: What's English?

THAMUS: What we're speaking now. What's spoken by all men, and hobbits, and barrow wights, and giant spiders, and bear people, and orcs sometimes it's not consistent.

KING: Oh, yes. And we're speaking it now, apparently.

THAMUS: That's right. It was also called Galactic Basic Standard, a long time ago. So, yes, the inscription isn't in English, it's in Dwarfish, where there's no ambiguity. Everyone will know what it means.

KING: Really?

THAMUS: Oh, yes, deinfitely.

KING: We might as well leave the bloody door open, then.

THAMUS: No, no, only people who can speak Dwarfish will know it. And, you know, our enemies can't do that.

KING: Course they can! If you were planning on invading a whole people, I'm sure that you could find someone in your vast phalanx of warriors who could learn the language.

THAMUS: Ooh, I dunno, it's hard work learning a language.

KING: Thamus, there are loads of wolves down the hill there that have learnt to talk.

THAMUS: English?

KING: Coincidentally, yes. And if wolves can do it, I'm sure a highly organised enemy can find a single person.

THAMUS: So, do you want me to change the door, then?

KING: Yes.

THAMUS: Alright, you're the king. But I will miss the engravings.

KING: Engravings? Why didn't you say? Engravings are my sixth most favourite thing! I think a little bit of lax security is worth it for some good engravings. We shall keep your wondrous door, Thamus.

THAMUS: Hooray! Err, and, sire, here's my bill.

KING: Oh, yes, fine, fine. Speak to the treasury.

THAMUS: "To the treasury". [Beat] Oh, sorry, that happens to me a lot.

INT. RUN DOWN COMEDY CLUB SOMEWHERE IN LONDON. THE AUDIENCE MURMURS CAN BE HEARD AS THEY AWAIT THE NEXT ACT. THE SMALL STAGE HAS A RED CURTAIN BACK DROP AND A MICROPHONE ON A STAND. AT THE CORNER OF THE STAGE THERE IS A DRUM SET AND A DRUMMER WALKS ON AND SITS BEHIND IT PREPARED TO PLAY

Unseen Announcer - Ladies and Gentlemen it's now time for our next comedian. He may not be the King of England but he 's definitely the king of comedy . He's the only Greek you'll meet who doesn't need to borrow a few quid. Please welcome on stage his royal ha ha ha highness , - Prince Philip!

PHILIP RUNS OUT ON TO THE STAGE TO GENERIC COMEDY MUSIC. HE DOES A SILLY LITTLE DANCE AND THEN STANDS BEHIND THE MICROPHONE AT THE FRONT OF THE STAGE

Good evening peasants!

It's great to be here, although I had a dreadful journey in (BEAT) Well, have you ever tried getting across central London in a horse and carriage?

(BADUM CHING)

All I can say is thank God for special branch escorts eh?

(RUNS AROUND THE STAGE PRETENDING TO BE A POLICE CAR. HE BRINGS HIS HAND UP TO HIS FOREHEAD, OPENING AND CLOSING IT TO IMITATE A FLASHING SIREN)

Nee naw, nee naw, out the way plebs

(BADUMCHING)

So yeah anyway - the wife's been going on at me for ages how I never take her anywhere. All I get is nag, nag, nag, moan, moan - so eventually I had enough. I had my private secretary book us six weeks in The Caribbean . (Beat) Thank you the UK tax payers!!

(BADUMCHING)

No, but seriously, it will be good to get away - just to get a break from the bleeding kids! They are constantly getting at me. Dad you can't do that , Dad why did you do that , Dad they prefer to be called African Americans

(BADUMCHING)

And they always want to show you what they've been up to as well don't they? Oh daddy , daddy look at the essay I have written on contemporary british architecture. Or oh daddy daddy I've done a new play come and see it. Or oh daddy daddy I've just come back from America where one of my best friends has been convicted of sex crimes but I have been totally exonerated

(BADUMCHING)

(LOOKING AT DRUMMER) Not sure a Badumching was quite right there Keith - get it together or you'll be in the Tower by closing time

(BADUMCHING)

Better!

(RETURNS TO ADDRESS AUDIENCE)

Yeah , no , but yeah , It will be nice to have a break from work. It's alright for you lot. On your drive to work you can listen to the radio or reflect on your day ahead. On my drive to work I have to wave to every bastard behind a crash barrier for ten miles.

(BADUMCHING)

They give me a "footman" , it's a bloody "handman" I need !

(BADUMCHING)

(ADDRESSING INDIVIDUAL ON THE FRONT ROW) Whoa not like that mate! I meant so he could help out with the waving - not to pull me off!!

(TO THE REST OF THE AUDIENCE)

He's making up his own jokes down here. Dirty bugger!

(BADUMCHING)

Although, thinking about it, maybe a "handman" would be a more respectable job for old brown nosing BBC royal correspondent Nicholas Witchell eh?

(BEGINS TO IMPROVISE BEING RELIEVED BY THE REPORTER)

Come here Ginger and see if you can get my Royal Standard to half mast (BEAT) while I think of a young Princess Margaret - ooh yeah , lovely!

(BADUMCHING)

Anyway that's enough from me - I've been Prince Philip, you've been a wonderful audience! God save the Missus! Good night !

(RUNS OFF STAGE WHILST GENERIC COMEDY MUSIC PLAYS)

Ends .

Really good fun week, well done. My vote goes to Playfull just because, you know, Bowie.

Some really strong skits this week I thought and all very different.

Michaels Spice Girls demolition - I don't think I have heard him mention the Spice Girls before...

Gappys really well constructed dwarf sketch - loved the 'English' bit.

And James with a sketch I could see coming to life - there must be someone who could impersonate Phil the Greek on stage as a comedy persona?

I think I will have to go for Gappy for the sheer quality of dialogue. But very tight.

Well David Bowie died and the guy from the Eagles died, but there may well be a Spice Girls reunion. Balance. Enjoyed all the skits, but going for Playfull.

Playfull gets my vote this week

Quote: playfull @ 20th January 2016, 4:11 PM GMT

I don't think I have heard him mention the Spice Girls before...

View original

I have to give a special mention to James for being the only one who really attacked the theme of royalty: yeah, mine had a king in it, but really it should have come under the themes of "Doors" or "More Tedious Gappy Linguistic Pedantry"

I know I enjoy the mental workout of trying to bang out a sketch to a brief - no matter how brief the brief. And I am sure the regular posters on here struggle to find the time, just as I do. But I was wondering how we might encourage some of the people who regularly post on the more 'social' parts of the BCG site to join in?
Either to post a Sketch or join in the voting?

I note it is often only the people who have posted who vote in any given week. I wonder if some people read the sketches but don't feel they should vote?

I for one would welcome more voters even if they don't enter a sketch.

Just thinking out loud...

Oh and thanks to Michael for running the comp!

I will stop talking about the Spice Girls if that's what you want, what you really really want.

All good, Playfull for me. Love the Lennon/Elvis duet line.

Quote: playfull @ 21st January 2016, 4:14 PM GMT

I know I enjoy the mental workout of trying to bang out a sketch to a brief - no matter how brief the brief. And I am sure the regular posters on here struggle to find the time, just as I do. But I was wondering how we might encourage some of the people who regularly post on the more 'social' parts of the BCG site to join in?
Either to post a Sketch or join in the voting?

I note it is often only the people who have posted who vote in any given week. I wonder if some people read the sketches but don't feel they should vote?

I for one would welcome more voters even if they don't enter a sketch.

Just thinking out loud...

Oh and thanks to Michael for running the comp!

View original

would definitely like to echo playfull's thanks to Michael for running this competition. thank you, thank you, thank you (echo joke there)

Seriously, the competition is like comedy sudoko and I enjoy the way it makes me think about writing and getting a task completed, which is one of the issues I have with any writing I undertake.

I have only been back posting on the site for a couple of weeks but have noticed it is a bit quieter than I remember a couple of years ago. Not sure how we an encourage others to read/comment/vote. I think a start may be for us to have a bit more interaction so anyone looking for updates etc on the site may see the "critique" section as the place where the cool kids hang out?

Wow, thanks! This comp is the most fun you can have without the use of a Spice Girl and a shower attachment. Keep laughing.