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Working Title Campers/Parklife/Seasiders
Hi, welcome to the site! 
If this is your first piece of writing, it isn't too bad. It's just not funny but fear not, for that's something that can be added as you go along and your idea develops.
There's only two things that trouble me with your concept and one is that mockumentry has been done to death and by people much better at it than any of us. That's not to say you can't take a stab at it yourself, just try to find your own voice and add your own experiences to it.
The second would be that these holiday camps, are they still popular? Is it something still in people's minds? I'm sure amongst family's with kids and low wages they're still the best thing ever, it's just that no one else outside that group really hears about them these days, you've gotta ask yourself if this is a relevant subject that will interest your audience (whoever that will be (but always remembering to write for yourself)).
You need a better joke name for the camp, the current joke needs to be reworded and only used as a name that was only considered by Bobbi Jay. But that's just my suggestion.
If you feel like you have a character that has potential, then you have to "explore" him (ooerr). Put him in as many situations as possible and then write him out of it, you should get to know him inside-out. Get to the point where you'd think "That's the sort of thing Bobbi Jay would do or say".
The only piece of advice you ever need though is, just keep writing, writing, writing. You've only just started (I'm guessin?) So just learn how to use your words and then dip your toe into showing other people, either on here or somewhere similar or get some sketches filmed/perform it live. Whatever it takes.
Less capitals, and more commas and full stops would make it more readable.
I agree that mockumentary is a dnagerous way to go, it's a very tired format. You can keep some of the stuff you've got by either having the park make an advert, or have the character interviewed by the local paper, but then I think you need to move into more of a sit com set up.
The main problem you'll have is to interest people in holiday camps when very few will have been to any or have much of a conception, whilst simultaneously not being Hi-De-Hi. Coudl you adapt your characters and experiences to a crappy low-budget theme park? Most people will have at least a rudimentary idea of what goes on at Alton Towers.
Just a suggestion. I agree with Lee that you have a nice rhtyhtm to the writing in that little snippet, and I'm already getting a hint of the character, but I don't really imagione I'd laugh at any of it, I'm afraid.
Gappy, Paul and Lee have given you some excellent feedback. I'm guessing you're an entertainer, in which case you'll know how to get a laugh from the presentation and hence why your colleagues will always find your character funny, but it doesn't come through in the script. Hence why forums like this are a good test of wider appeal.
I like Gappys idea of a more familiar setting, i.e. Theme park. What would happen if you character was made redundant and had to get a job somewhere inappropriate ? Worth noting that Benidorm was a huge hit (and more familiar holiday), not sure Butlins would be now.
Big fan of Nick's idea - guy who used to manage a holiday camp/redcoat affair ending up trying to run a Budgens or something, that could be very funny.
Best of luck with it, I think you have the skills to write a script (althougha b it of grammar- and spellchecking wouldn't go amiss 
), the question now is whether you can find something that will connect with others.