Hi guys,
I was wondering if I could have some feedback on this scene - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1DZA7rCdcio
It's the 2nd episode of my web series. My big worry is that it all happens too quickly and that there's not enough of a build up. Just wondered what you thought? Look out for a strong performance from my Dad right near the end of the scene!
It's very good indeed.
But yes it's pretty quick for such a meaty subject. I could picture this situation getting worse and worse over a whole episode.
Maybe he trys other disabilities, learning disabled, blind, transgendered.
And getting the door open isn't quite as easy as forcing it?
Also maybe if some of the other characters could be a bit funnier?
Maybe if the blind guy thinks he's also blind and opens up about his disability?
Or what about the health and safety guy from earlier episodes?
Thanks Sooty. Agree with all of that. I think instead of it being a 3 minute episode it could be great as a 10 minute piece with like you say the whole thing building more slowly and more disastrous things happening. One scene that I am annoyed I didn't film was I wanted to have the blind man walk in, after Stan had been to toilet, and then collapse from the awful smell but people opt to help Stan up the stairs instead of the blind man because they think Stan's disability is worse.
I think you're right and hopefully I can shoot it again and add some more stuff next year. Glad you liked it in the main though..
I think you need to decide if you're making sketches or a sitcom in scenes.
Because they do work differently and in this case the ending would work in an sitcom but it's a little stretched in a sketch.
I'd go for he leaves the seat down, the blind guy pisses on it (I guess use a water pistol) and your hero gets forced to go on retraining for disability hatred, because everyone thinks he pissed on the toilet because he hates the disabled.
I do think you're doing some of the best stuff on this site.
Again, great advice thanks. Definitely something for me to consider.
And thanks - glad you like it.
Well shot and well acted. Reminds me of the IT Crowd episode where a non-disabled character pretended to be disabled when the door had to be broken down to get to him. That was one of the funniest episodes of the series in my opinion.
Picky details - I've never seen a disabled loo with all those luxuries in it or an emergency cord which says an ambulance is on it's way although I appreciate this is for comedic effect.
Here are a couple of real life examples that might be of interest:
A woman striding confidently out of the disabled loo, looking at all the people queuing, developing a sudden limp then recovering when she thought she was out of sight and probably the most ridiculous I've ever seen was a man walking out normally, then suddenly leaning back against the wall clutching his chest whilst surreptitiously looking around from under the arm he was wiping his forehead with. After a few seconds he took a deep breath, stood up straight, smiled, said 'phew' and walked off.
Hey Loopey,
Not seen that episode, I'll check it out. Thanks for taking the time to watch it, much appreciated.
Yes, you're right - those were for comedic effect but we'd probably gone over the top.
Looking back now that would've been great - an army of people as he left the toilet. These are episodes that we are just doing trial and error to be honest so we are very open to suggestions and re-shooting them/re-working them. So I'll definitely keep in mind those suggestions, thank you.
Thanks again for checking it out..
Here it is -
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aW2esYwKxiU
If you were going to make it a longer sketch or series of sketches centred around using a disabled loo or disability in the workplace and attitudes towards it there is a goldmine of material. Remember the girl in the wheelchair being left on the fire escape in The Office when there was a fire drill?
Here's another true one - non-disabled exits loo, sees person waiting in wheelchair clutching stomach and moaning. Obviously desperate, DP tries to get into loo asap. ND pats D on the head saying 'well done dear' and walks off satisfied that he has redeemed himself.
Ah man that is crazily similar! How have I not seen that?! I can see why it reminded you of it! It's very funny - funnier than my attempt! At least mine isn't a million miles away, kind of reaffirms what I was trying to do.
And yes, great shout. Like you say there's a goldmine of stuff there. That Office clip is absolutely brilliant!
Yes, that scene came to my mind, too. I think I agree with Sooty - when this was a single element in a full episode towards a crap day, it worked well, but as a stand-alone it needs to go further. Perhaps he never actually gets to go to the lo, so he has to go through al the rigmarole, and then slope off for a poo in the standard toilet - where of course his rescuers encounter him. I dunno, probably not that, but it needs an extra development to make some very good work even better. 
Hi Gappy,
Thanks again for watching it. Agreed it could do with some further development, we'll take that on board as we move in to next year and shoot some more stuff.
Thanks again for watching it!
Steve
That was very good, I liked that. I thought the filming and acting was bang on.
I have watched your other videos and they would all fit well in a sitcom, I can relate to the humour in them and they are well presented.
I like the intro on the videos, but maybe for YouTube audience it's too long to wait for the action to start. Other than that all spot on.
Thanks Carlos, really appreciate you taking the time out to watch it.
I've had a few comments re the lengthy animated start and I think you're right - it takes up too much time. I'll try and cut some of it. Just need to work out if I can do that with the videos already up on YouTube because I don't want to pull them down. Thanks again
Yes you can trim the video without removing it in YouTube.
You go to Edit - Enhancements - Trim
You have to move the slider it provides to cut what you want out and it allows you to view the enhancements before you commit to them.
I have done it with a few of my videos in the past.
thats like witchcraft.
nb if you were doing this as a pilot episode it would be great, if the character got stuck in the toilet again.
And this time there's a dalek outside, maybe shouting "defecate! defecate!"