Skit Comp 12.12 - 28.12.15

Happy Christmas etc and GAPPY for winning. PM me with a subject please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
5 - 10 - Gappy
1 - 5 - Crindy
Special mention: me

Your next subject: AD (chosen by GAPPY).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 28.12.15

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 25 - Gappy
2 - 10 - me
3 - 5 - Playfull, Steve Sunshine, Crindy

KIDS MY ASS

NICE MAN IN A SUIT Hello ladies and gentlemen and you, and welcome to today's slide show. And why did I cross the road? To get to the other slide... Sorry. Today I'll be doing children...

SLIDE: Priest.

MAN Sorry... Now childhood is a state of purity...

SLIDE: Filthy nappy.

MAN Of joy...

SLIDE: Baby crying.

MAN Innocence...

SLIDE: Kids hitting each other.

MAN And cleanliness...

SLIDE: Filthier nappy.

MAN Altruistic love...

SLIDE: Kids hitting each other harder.

MAN We all love children...

SLIDE: Michael Jackson.

MAN Because they're so lovely...

SLIDE: Kid dribbling.

MAN And innocent.

SLIDE: Teen masturbating.

MAN I believe it was Rousseau who said childhood is a state of grace...

SLIDE: Baby screaming.

MAN Peace...

SLIDE: Baby pissing on toilet.

MAN And love.

SLIDE: Baby grimacing.

MAN So, we are family...

SLIDE: Sister Sledge.

MAN Children. What a bunch of wankers.

SUE: [ADVERTISING VOICEOVER TONES] For the most thorough cleaning science can provide, use Dyson hoovers. [BEAT] How was that?

CLARENCE: [TINNY TONE LIKE HE'S TALKING FROM THE STUDIO DESK] Yeah, that was good, Sue, perfect. Just one thing, the last word, it's "vacuum".

SUE: Is it?

CLARENCE: Yep, yep. Shall we go again?

SUE: Okey doke. [AD VOICE] For the most thorough hoovering that science can provide, use Dyson vacuums...as your hoover. Happy, Clarence? Was the tone alright?

CLARENCE: Erm...yeah. The tone was good, but it was just...you have to not say "hoover".

SUE: But it is a hoover, though.

CLARENCE: Well, you see, that's kind of the point, it's not.

SUE: Isn't it?

CLARENCE: No.

SUE: It looks like one.

CLARENCE: It's not a hoover, Sue, but it *is* a vacuum cleaner.

SUE: Sorry, I don't understand, Clarence.

CLARENCE: Because...look, it doesn't matter, just say the words in the script, OK, Sue?

SUE: Right, you're the boss. [PAUSE] And you're sure the word in the script isn't "hoover"?

CLARENCE: Yes! I'm 100% certain.

SUE: Because I sort of think it might be.

CLARENCE: Then look at the script you were emailed.

SUE: Alright, Clarence - although I think I can recall one sentence. Still, if it will keep you happy I'll - oh, blast it. Clarence? Do you have an iPad charger?

CLARENCE: Err, yeah, I think there's on the desk in the corner of the studio.

SUE: Thanks, give me a sec. [PAUSE] Oh, this is no good, it doesn't fit. Do you have a charger for a Samsung iPad?

CLARENCE: There's no such thing as a Samsung iPad!

SUE: Oh, really? What's this, then?

CLARENCE: It's a tablet! It's a Samsung tablet!

SUE: A tablet? I'm supposed to call iPads tablets now? Oh, it's political correctness gone mad.

CLARENCE: What?

SUE: It's like that shop guy this morning, and all that kerfuffle about a simple can of Coke. Well, I'll tell your bleeding heart lot something, you'll change your ways! Oh, yes, I'll sort you lefty durr-brains out: I'll have you know I'm very good friends with people in the Chinese mafia.

CLARENCE: There is no such thing as the Chinese mafia! It makes no sense! It's the triads! You know people from the triads! [REALISATION] You know people from the triads. [PAUSE] Alright, Sue, let's do one more - and can you really emphasise the word "hoover"?

[A PRISON VAN DRIVES WAY AT SPEED AS THE POLICE HOLD BACK AN ANGRY MOB, WHO ARE ANGRILY SHOUTING AND THROWING THINGS]

CUT TO

[A REPORTER IS STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF A MEDIA SCRUM OUTSIDE THE OLD BAILEY]

REPORTER:
Those were the scenes here just a few moments ago after Lord Justice O'Neill announced the sentence of life imprisonment without chance of parole.

STUDIO PRESENTER [OFF CAMERA]:
Michael, we are hearing reports that the members of the jury have been offered counselling.

REPORTER:
Yes Sophie, that's right. The jury of course have had to hear the full grisly details of these horrific crimes, of 74 young victims who were tortured, sexually abused murdered and dismembered over a period of time spanning three decades. So of course it is understandable that they may well be traumatised by this.

[THE MEDIA SCRUM SUDDENLY GETS LOUDER, REPORTER TURNS AROUND TO SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING]

REPORTER:
The defence barrister, who has had to be offered police protection due to death threats from members of the public, is now emerging from the court, let's hear whether he has anything to say.

[THE MEDIA SCRUM ALL START SHOUTING AT ONCE, ONE QUESTION IS HEARD ABOVE THE GENERAL HUBBUB]

REPORTER IN THE CROWD [NOT SEEN]:
Is your client a man or a monster?

DEFENCE BARRISTER PAUSES AND LOOKS SERIOUS AND CONTEMPLATIVE FOR A MOMENT

DEFENCE BARRISTER:
Maybe my client is a monster....
.... but he does make exceedingly good cakes.

[CUT TO A FULL SCREEN PICTURE OF A PINK FONDANT FANCY AND A CAPTION WHICH READS: "Mr Kipling makes exceedingly good cakes"]

A bare, cold, interrogation room with just a table in the middle. Seated on one side of which is a bearded, manacled man, in an orange jump suit. A young man wearing a suit and tie enters nervously and sits opposite the bearded man. He opens a file of papers and flicks through them.

SUIT: Hello, my name is Adrian, but please call me Ade. I'm sorry to have kept you waiting Mr... (CHECKS HIS PAPER WORK) Aamer (HE LOOKS UP AND SMILES).

AAMER: That's ok, it's only been 14 years.

SUIT: No I meant...oh I see. Well it's good you have managed to keep your sense of humour.

AAMER: Yes, that and my dislike of having objects shoved up my rectum.

SUIT: Right, right. Well that's why I'm here Mr Aamer, before we assist you in getting home tomorrow we thought it might help if we had a little friendly chat.

AAMER: Assist me in getting home?

SUIT: Yes, it's very unfortunate that your journey has been interrupted for quite so long but...

AAMER: My journey interrupted?! I have been here held against my will, a prisoner for 14 years!

SUIT: No, no, no, there appears to have been a misunderstanding. You have in fact just been transiting through.

AAMER: Transiting! It's Guantanamo! It's a prison!

SUIT: (LOOKING AT PAPERS) Err, no it's actually officially designated as a 'hub'.

AAMER: A 'hub'? A hub between Kabul and London? In Cuba?

SUIT: You might want to check out the brand new duty free shop before you leave.

AAMER: Is that a joke?

SUIT: (WITH A FIXED SMILE) No they've actually built one. Here have some vouchers to spend in it. With the compliments of the US Federal government (HE PUSHES SOME VOUCHERS ACROSS THE DESK).

AAMER: I'll make sure to pick up a souvenir set of thumb screws, and maybe some nice orange pyjamas.

SUIT: That is exactly the sort of comment we were hoping we could persuade you to refrain from making Mr Aamer.

AAMER: Look I have been held here for 14 years...

SUIT: And I can only apologise that your onward travel documents were misplaced for quite so long.

AAMER: I have been repeatedly tortured by your guards.

SUIT: I will admit the housekeeping staff may on occasion have been a little over zealous.

AAMER: They waterboarded me!

SUIT: Again I can only apologise, and I can assure you that we have issued strict instructions that in future the room cleaners must ensure that guests are out of the sheets before they wash them. Here have some more vouchers (HE SHOVES MORE VOUCHERS ACROSS THE DESK).

AAMER: I have been held for 14 years without even being charged.

SUIT: That's correct Mr Aamer there are absolutely no charges, your stay is completely complementary. Everything including tips and room service has been paid in full by your friends in the Federal Government.

AAMER: What about these shackles?

SUIT: Again no charge.

AAMER: They are shackles!

SUIT: Or... or... they could be described as a handy device for summoning room service.

AAMER: They are shackles!

SUIT: Actually... I am sure you were wearing them when you got here. We honestly thought they were yours.

AAMER: What! Look they have property of the united stated prison service stamped on them.

SUIT: Really? Well In that case could I ask that when you leave tomorrow you leave them on the bathroom floor if they need cleaning or just hang them up for the next guest if you think they are ok to use again.

AAMER: Look this is not a hotel! Guantanamo is not a hub! And these are not bracelets!

SUIT: (HE PUSHES MORE VOUCHERS ACROSS THE DESK) please have all these vouchers. And we would really like to thank you for staying with us Mr Aamer, we realise you have a choice and there are other prisons... I mean hotels you could have chosen. And I would just like to add we have all really enjoyed your visit and that you are welcome back in the USA any time you wish. (HE STANDS AND STARTS TO LEAVE, THEN STOPS AND TURNS) Can I give you a small piece of advice?

AAMER: What?

SUIT: If Trump wins the election and you do decide to visit the US with your family, and passport control asks you if you are a Muslim, just say no. You wouldn't want to wait another 14 years just to get to Disney Land.

BILL: OK creative creatures we've got an advert to make. Think outside the box.

SUE: I'm sorry but I don't get football analagies.

BILL: It just means don't conform to social norms.

SUE: Yeah but I'm a woman so I don't get football. You should know that.

BILL: Out side the box means throw the rule book out of the window.

SUE: But we're govement workers, we set and enforce the rules. We're also in the basement; no windows.

BILL: Perception Marm. Civil servants come across as grey, boring office workers, we want to be colourfull like Nicki Minage.

SUE: Bit rasist.

BILL: No that's not what I ment. I mean sexy in that we take things from a different direction. Take your initial idea and surprise it from behind. Like Sam Smith.

SUE: Bit homophobic.

BILL: No, what I meant was we need to be more like One Direction [SOMEONE BREAKS WIND], inovative.

SUE: Look all this is irrelevant. I can't cost justify this and we need to make savings so I'm pulling this project.

BILL: Oh. But I've had my hair done. 11 quid that cost. I'm claiming that on expenses.

SUE: Not even if you hire your hair out to the Antiques Road Show, could you claim that on expenses, Bill.

BILL: I'm going to need a pretty darn good, uncontestable, absent of any holes, infalible, even Tony Blair couldn't find a way around, better than weapsons of mass distruction reason for not filming this advert.

SUE: [IRATE] Because we're M15 the pigging secret service and we don't advertise ! [SOMEONE BREAKS WIND]

BILL: Fair point.

END

INT. BOARDROOM - DAY.

MR. SNICKERWICK (BOSS):
Listen up people. This is a crisis meeting of crisis proportions. We are a company that specialise in advertising and we haven't produced an ad for two years!

PHIL(ASSISTANT):
And that's bad? (CORRECTING HIMSELF)...and that's bad people. You've heard Mr. Snickerwick, ad yourselves!

CHLOE:
Add ourselves? To what?

PHIL:
What do you mean 'to what'?

SNICKERWICK:
I'm listening to you all asking questions and all I'm hearing is questions being asked.

PHIL:
Mr. Snickerwick could be right. Where are the answers? Where are the ideas? Where is the inspiration?

CHLOE:
I think we should back that company that offers people the opportunity to go swimming with wild animals.

SNICKERWICK:
Swimming with sharks is hardly original now is it?

CHLOE:
It's not necessarily sharks. In fact one of their best offers allows you to go swimming with wolves. It's a whole day trip with the pack. Trekking over mountains, looking for food, tearing a lamb to bits and then a communal swim in the evening.

PHIL:
Don't make me scoff. Anyone else?

TED:
A concept that I have been interested in backing for some time is guessing the thing of things.

SNICKERWICK:
What on earth are you talking about?

TED:
We advertise a quiz show where you try to answer obscure questions that no one could possible know. The temperaturature of a moth, the speed of frost, that sort of thing.

PHIL:
That's the worst one since the wolves. Simon?

SIMON: (THINKS HE'S SALUTING HIM)
Phil. How are you?

SNICKERWICK:
No more questions! Have you any ideas?

SIMON:
Only loads. Have you heard of that rickety old bridge on Slatterys Peak? Every carpenter that has tried to cross it has fallen to his death. We advertise a show whose quest it is to find the first carpenter to best it.

SILENCE.

SIMON:
Magnet back.

SNICKERWICK:
Oh dear lord! And what would that be dare I ask.

SIMON:
Well someone, somewhere has to have a back that's a magnet. This time we advertise a show that follows him around to see what he sticks to.

SNICKERWICK:
If he even were to exist how could we possibly find him?

SIMON:
Metal detector.

SNICKERWICK:
Our company is going under like a very poor high jumper and all you're worried about is bad ideas. It's good ones we're after.

SIMON:
Oh, sorry. In that case how about we advertise our own company. Like an ad within an ad. Make use of the concept of us advertising ads. Invert in on ourselves, use mirrors. It opens up some lovely concepts.

PHIL:
No, no, no!

SNICKERWICK:
Now this is good. This is the mind of a working mind. This boys has got it folks. Look at the face of Simon. Everyone look at him. There he is having it. Look!

PHIL:
I like it Simon, good work but we need to hear a few more first.

SNICKERWICK:
No time to waste. Let's get working on Simons idea immediately.

PHIL:
What are you all talking about? We've no time for other ideas 'cos we're going with Simon's. Chloe, you team up with Ted.

SNICKERWICK:
If you could pair up with Simon Chloe. I'd like to see what you come up with together.

PHIL:
Sorry Chloe you can't just pick whoever you want. You're with Simon and let that be the end of it.

SNICKERWICK:
Any other business?

CHLOE:
Well as its Phils birthday we all clubbed together and booked him a weekend for one up in Slatterys Peak.

SNICKERWICK:
Only the best for our former carpenter.

END.

Huge fan of swimming with wolves, and certainly not above laughing at the name Obig-Wan, but for overall concept, Playfull gets my vote.

Yes, Playfull. And let's celebrate the fact we're a year closer to death.

I was too drunk to write for this one. Damn! So it has to be:

Playfull.

Found it very difficult to choose, so use my fall back of picking a favourite line. So going for 'Samsung ipad' by Gappy. Could also see a version of this as the opener for 'Toast'.

Happy Christmas/new year all - or if you don't go in for that sort of thing then happy
Tuesday!

All good. I liked Gappy's concept, Michael's presentation and Otterfox's sound bites but Palyful wins it as I like the message. A tricky topic to satire. If you can sell this to America, I'll get you a medal.

Well, my attempt appears to have fallen flat this week, not even a mention

Anyway, my vote goes to... Gappy.