Favourite Jokes From Stand Ups Page 2

Quote: DougWonnacott @ 18th December 2015, 10:46 PM GMT

The king of stand up Richard Pryor:

There are two billion chinese people living in China. That's how you know someone's doing some serious f**king.

Talking about when he was freebasing and accidently set himself on fire:
When that fire hit your ass, it will sober your ass up *quick*! I saw something, I went, "Well, that's a pretty blue. You know what? That looks like *fire*!" Fire is inspirational. They should use it in the Olympics, because I ran the 100 in 4.3.

and:
I learned something that day. When you're running down the street with your head on fire, people get out of your way!

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Honestly I don't think I would laugh at any of those.

Quote: Nick Nockerty @ 19th December 2015, 9:03 PM GMT

I asked God for a bicycle, but I know he doesn't work that way. So I stole a bicycle and asked for his forgiveness. (Emo Philips)

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Now that one was funny.

Quote: Jamesey1967 @ 26th November 2015, 7:28 PM GMT

Rick Mayall (RIP)

"What does a man with a twelve inch penis have for breakfast?

Well today I had a sausages".

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That was brilliant.

Quote: Sitcomfan64 @ 27th November 2015, 12:22 AM GMT

Isn't it "What does a man with a two foot cock have for breakfast?

This morning he had a boiled egg

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That wasn't an improvement. Mayall said "I".

http://www.theguardian.com/stage/2005/sep/29/comedy.religion

Emo Phillips is kinda magical.

"I went to a karaoke bar that didn't play any '70s music. At first I was afraid."
--Stewart Francis.

"I think you might have an illness. It's called tax intolerance. You might even be HMRC-positive."
"There's a new show you can host, "Through the Loophole". Who can afford to live in a house like this?"
--Sean Lock (to Jimmy Carr in the aftermath of his tax scandal).

Quote: sootyj @ 20th December 2015, 5:07 PM GMT

http://www.theguardian.com/stage/2005/sep/29/comedy.religion

Emo Phillips is kinda magical.

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I've seen too many live acts to remember, but he's top 5. Truly unique.

Quote: sootyj @ 20th December 2015, 5:07 PM GMT

http://www.theguardian.com/stage/2005/sep/29/comedy.religion

Emo Phillips is kinda magical.

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God NO!!!

Quote: sootyj @ 20th December 2015, 5:07 PM GMT

http://www.theguardian.com/stage/2005/sep/29/comedy.religion

Emo Phillips is kinda magical.

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He's brilliant.

One of my favourites is from Lee Mack which is something along the lines of
"I don't drink in the house, in other news I've just bought a shed"

Quote: Chappers @ 20th December 2015, 11:26 PM GMT

He's brilliant.

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No he isn't.

Quote: Chappers @ 20th December 2015, 5:02 PM GMT

Honestly I don't think I would laugh at any of those.

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Yes you would.

So to summaries this thread so far:

Quote: Davey Jay @ 25th November 2015, 6:10 AM GMT

You know why there's so many pedophiles
It's the sexy kids

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Quote: Hercules Grytpype Thynne @ 20th December 2015, 7:17 PM GMT

God NO!!!

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Quote: Jamesey1967 @ 26th November 2015, 7:28 PM GMT

"What does a man with a twelve inch penis have for breakfast?
Well today I had a sausages".

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Quote: Chappers @ 20th December 2015, 11:26 PM GMT

brilliant.

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Quote: Davey Jay @ 24th November 2015, 2:14 PM GMT

Me dad used to tell me not to accept sweets from strangers
Unless they offer you a ride in the van!

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Quote: DougWonnacott @ 21st December 2015, 6:25 PM GMT

Yes you would.

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Jimmy Carr's 'Red wine with fish' should've got him a knighthood.

Quote: sootyj @ 20th December 2015, 5:07 PM GMT

http://www.theguardian.com/stage/2005/sep/29/comedy.religion

Emo Phillips is kinda magical.

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He is AWESOME.

Quote: Chappers @ 24th November 2015, 9:55 PM GMT

Jimmy Carr in trouble again for telling politically incorrect jokes about dwarves.

If they didn't like it he said that they should grow up.

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He made the same joke about 'If you're scared of pedophiles... Grow up.'
People criticise Jimmy Carr. Normally people who can't bestraddle a stage for 2 hours cracking 'em out like Bob Monkhouse on amphetamines the way Jimmy can. Legend.
Ah, while we're on Bob Monkhouse: 'My son is gay. He decided to come out over Christmas dinner. He said, Mother, can you pass the Brussel sprouts to a homosexual. And she passed them to me, there was a Hell of a row.'

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 29th January 2016, 5:56 PM GMT

Jimmy Carr's 'Red wine with fish' should've got him a knighthood.

He is AWESOME.

He made the same joke about 'If you're scared of pedophiles... Grow up.'
People criticise Jimmy Carr. Normally people who can't bestraddle a stage for 2 hours cracking 'em out like Bob Monkhouse on amphetamines the way Jimmy can. Legend.
Ah, while we're on Bob Monkhouse: 'My son is gay. He decided to come out over Christmas dinner. He said, Mother, can you pass the Brussel sprouts to a homosexual. And she passed them to me, there was a Hell of a row.'

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easily in my top 5 comedians.

Quote: Michael Monkhouse @ 29th January 2016, 5:56 PM GMT

Ah, while we're on Bob Monkhouse: 'My son is gay. He decided to come out over Christmas dinner. He said, Mother, can you pass the Brussel sprouts to a homosexual. And she passed them to me, there was a Hell of a row.'

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Brilliant!

One I heard Harry Hill do live (though others comedians have also said it)

I have just put a sunken glass bottomed bath in my upstairs flat.

The people in the flat downstairs are furious.

Another Harry Hill joke:

I went in to one those Cancer Research charity shops the other day.

It seemed to be full of old ladies just selling clothes.

They are never going to find a cure for cancer that way.

Bob's Live and Forbidden DVD is stunning. An hour of gag after gag... Recently I saw a stand-up show and cos it was around St Valentine's everyone was going on about their sex lives, dates etc. Honestly my dear, I don't give a f**k. Just make me laugh like a retard.