Skit Comp 18 - 26.11.15

Quality and quality, as I say to twins at that time of the month, and congratulations to ME for winning. I'll PM myself with a subject for next wank. I won't really. It's a joke.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - me
3 - 5 - Gappy
Special mention: AdeO

Your new subject is like my mother's legs - open - as, unlike her legs, there haven't been many entries recently.

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 26.11.15

Scoreboard is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 10 - me
2 - 5 - Gappy

PHONE ALONE

DEARIE (on phone) Oh do come. It'll be simply darling, sweetie. Oooh, can't wait to see you, do bring all your friends and all their buddies and all their chums too, you'll have oodles of fun, and help yourself to anything you find, you're most welcome lovie.

She hangs up...
Phone rings again, she picks it up:

DEARIE Hello, German Immigration.

NEWSFLASH:

ANGELA MERKEL HAS JUST SHOT HERSELF IN THE FOOT. POLICE HAVE ISSUED A WARRANT FOR HER UNREST

OFFICE WORKER: Look, I'm sorry, Glen, but there's no chance of my getting that report to you today, my computer's on the fritz. [Beat] Yeah, sure, I'll do my best to finish it tomorrow morning. Oh, hang about, here comes the IT guy now, must dash.

TOM: Good morrow, good morrow.

OFFICE WORKER: Erm, hi.

TOM: Hey, down, merry down, heady day computer,
Have you checked that your PC's connecting to the router?

OFFICE WORKER: Have I checked the..? Oh, right, no, it's not a network problem, or anything, it just keeps crashing.

TOM: Posies from the mountainside, pansies from the fen-o
Have you tried switching off and switching on again-o?

OFFICE WORKER: It does that on its own, that's the point. Can you help?

TOM: Old black mallyware, naughty twisty beard,
Never open emailed attachments that look weird.

OFFICE WORKER: I know, and I haven't. Can you actually help - preferably without a rhyme.

TOM: Hard drive, floppy disc, VPN and cursor,
Finance manager, accounts exec and bursar.

OFFICE WORKER: That...that didn't make sense.

TOM: Tablet and applet, mousemat and link-o.
Wifi, Excel, control, alt, delete-o.

OFFICE WORKER: That one didn't even rhyme! You can't just say -o at the end.

TOM: Yes, yes, yes, I can, yes, that is the truth-o,
Green grow the daffo-

OFFICE WORKER: Right! I'm taking this to your manager. What's your name?

TOM: Old Tom Bombadil, Tom Bombadillo,
Bom Bom Bommy bom RAM ROMadillo.

OFFICE WORKER: Well, you can listen to me, Mr Bombadiltombambadillobombombommybomramromadillo! I am going to report you for being astonishingly inept at your job, facetious, and rude, and of no help whatsoever, when some of us have got important things to do! So, you'd better go back to your office and prepare to speak to your manager, because I'm going to jolly well-

TOM: Fixed it.

OFFICE WORKER: Ah - what, really?

TOM: Yep. Pretty straightforward, your start-up tray was a mess. Got that sorted for you.

OFFICE WORKER: Oh. Right, thanks. Err, sorry about all that...you know...

TOM: No problem, we're all under stress. Well, farewell, office man, USB and dongle.

OFFICE WORKER: Yeah, OK, thanks for your help Mr Bombab- err, Tom.

SFX: BUCKET OF WATER BEING POURED

OFFICE WORKER: Oi, what's the big idea, pouring water all over my desk?

TOM: Waterside and hydro-bride, and life-springs a-flowing
Ethernet and water wet, and now I must be going.

The water will bring forth new life and fair fortunes, my fine friend.

OFFICE WORKER: But, won't it have broken my computer?

TOM: [Pause] Yes.

OFFICE WORKER: Is that all you've got to say?

TOM: Sorry, I meant: yes, yes, yessy wess, weeble woog a blong-o

OFFICE WORKER: Oh, f**k off.

Schroedingers Dog

MRS S:
Erwin Schroedinger will you stop playing with that dog, surely there's some particle physics you could be getting on with.

SCHROEDINGER:
I am love, I'm just trying to think of an experiment now. How about this one. If I throw the Frisbee for the dog will he catch it or will he not catch it.

MRS S:
Well of course he'll catch it Erwin, he's a dog but that's not going to help you form a solid basis for dynamic wave function now is it dear.

SCHROEDINGER:
I just want an experiment that will be remembered, One with a snappy title, and I love dogs so I thought Schroedingers Dog was a good name.

MRS S:
But we've already called Schroedingers Dog Rover, come here Rover.

SCHROEDINGER:
Ok what about this one love, If I put a dog behind a screen and we can't see it, will the dog bark or will he not & can we ever know? .

MRS S:
Yes of course he'll bark & we'll know because we'll hear it Why don't you try to do something a bit more physicsy y'know accelerate some particles or something
. SCHROEDINGER:
Because Schroedingers Accelerated particles sounds like a bad name for an indie group & not an experiment that people will be quoting for years to come. I want the experiment to be called Schroedingers Dog and that's final

MRS S
Oh well I give up, you do what you want

SCHROEDINGER:
Don't worry love Me & my dog will be remembered you'll see. Now where that Box he likes to sleep in

MRS S
Oh sorry love the Cats in there now

CAT MEOW SCREECH

SCHROEDINGER:
That sodding Cat! I swear I will kill it one of these days

MRS S
No you bloody won't

SCHROEDINGER:
Or will I? Love get me a pen & paper I've just had an idea.
END

ASTAROTH: My Lord you look troubled, what vexeth thou.

SATAN: It's those godless bastards ISIS.

ASTAROTH: But are they not doing great work in your name my evil Lord?

SATAN: No Astaroth they are not.

ASTAROTH: Do they not destroy god's temples? Do they not rape, steal, enslave, and brutally slaughter the innocent?

SATAN: They do Astaroth, and that is the problem.

ASTAROTH: How so Lord?

SATAN: How can we possibly expect man to stand afraid of some vague threat of a gothic themed infernal hell when these bastards are busy creating a very real hell on earth? People are just too busy worrying about the imminent jeopardy their loved ones face every minute of every day to fear my ancient tapestry based eternal pits of fire. And if man does not believe in our hell then he will not end up in our hell.

ASTAROTH: But my Lord, the pain, the suffering, are ISIS not working at your command?

SATAN: They do not believe in me or in God Astaroth and believe me he is just as pissed as I am. We have been superseded, replaced, made void. They no longer need or fear us. We are 'My space' to their f**king 'Face book'!

ASTAROTH: Oh my ancient serpent master what may I do to assist you in defeating these vile, but vile in the wrong way vile. enemies of thine?

SATAN: Well that's part of the problem Astaroth, you see I'm surrounded by practically useless demons.

ASTAROTH: Lord?

SATAN: Well what is your particular gift of evil design?

ASTAROTH: I am Astaroth a prince of thrones who tempts men to be lazy...

SATAN: My point exactly.

ASTAROTH: What about your fallen angel Verrine?

SATAN: He who tempts men with impatience?

ASTAROTH: The mighty Belias?

SATAN: Tempts people to gossip during mass?

ASTAROTH: Prince of Angels Luvart?

SATAN: Currently in the body of Sister Madeleine and not in a rude way.

ASTAROTH: We're f**ked.

SATAN: Indeed.

ASTAROTH: Is all lost then Lord Satan?

SATAN: Well there is one hope.

ASTAROTH: One hope?

SATAN: Well that Sepp Blatter is looking a bit peaky.

ASTAROTH: I'll just go and stoke the fires.

Waiting Room - The local Vets

RECEPTIONIST - That'll be £458 - 19 pence Mr. McDougall. Will that be cash or card?

CUSTOMER - Can I just leave the dog with you and we'll call it quits?

RECEPTIONIST - Hahaha oh you're so funny, Mr. McDougall. How could you possibly give up little Sam, he's so lovely...........

CUSTOMER - (Looks down at his dog that's fitted with an enormous plastic ruff around its neck, its two stumpy front legs tightly wrapped around his owners' right ankle and humping away as if his life depended on it.) Well generally speaking, you get what you pay for, I believe he's actually worse looking at the intense rage in his eyes, I mean..................look at him.

RECEPTIONIST - (Leans over the counter and looks at the Highland Terrier hammering away for all its worth before replying with a disapproving look.) Oh you must stop him doing that, Mr. McDougall. He could severely hurt himself or pull one of his stitches. Let me give you one of our Post Testicular removal advice sheets.

CUSTOMER - Hurt himself? You want to see the state of our pedal bin. The cat's severely traumatised and the vicar avoids us like the plague!

RECEPTIONIST - Pop your card in there, Mr. McDougall and your pin thank you.

CUSTOMER - There's no need to avert your eyes, your machine will probably eat my card by the time I've done anyway. My personal banking advisor will be pissing himself when this transaction flags up on his screen. I'm sure he's got one great enormous 54" plasma hung up in the office with a collar and tie version of Pac Man that chomps away intently at my overdraft limit.

RECEPTIONIST - Thankyou, Mr. McDougall. And there's your receipt. Don't forget his booster is due a week on Monday.

CUSTOMER - Ah great. An opportunity to replenish some of his body fluids whilst tempting the wrath of the local ATM. Come along Sam, let's get off home. You can show the kids' tartan booster cushion in the back seat just how much you've missed it.

INT. A MUM IS WITH HER SON WHILST HE OPENS BIRTHDAY PRESENTS. SHE HANDS HIM ONE WHICH HE BEGINS TO UNWRAP.

MUM
Here you go son.

HE TEARS THROUGH THE WRAPPING AND REVEALS A NEW PHONE AND IMMEDIATELY RIPS IT OUT OF THE BOX AND POWERS UP THE MOBILE, PROCEEDING TO TAP AWAY AT IT.

MUM LOOKS AT THE COLLECTION OF CARDS ON DISPLAY.

MUM
Look at all those cards, there must be 30? Somebody is popular I see?

SON
(Whilst still looking at the phone)
I've only got 7 birthday wishes on my Facebook wall, I'm a f**king loser!

THE MUM LOOKS SHOCKED.

MUM
Oh, how embarrassing... Your Nan got more than that.

SON
Muuuuuuummm!!

END.

REPORTER: Mr Tweedy-Gore, as junior Minister for Education it's your job to outline the National History Curriculum, why haven't you included any study of the fight for votes for women?

M.P. : Well, it was all such a long time ago...

REPORTER: Slavery?

M..P.: Do we really want to drag that back up again?

REPORTER: The Irish Famine, the Hundred Years War, Napoleon?

M.P.: Is there anything to be gained by raking over the past?

REPORTER: But you do go into quite a bit of detail about the development of the wool trade in the Ribble Valley?

M.P.: Yes, and the invention there of the ' twisting Nancy'...

REPORTER: Or "Tweedy- Gore's twisting Nancy' as it was called....

M.P.: Yes, I'm proud to say my humble family has played some small part in the history of our great country...

REPORTER: Especially in terms of the woollen industry in the Ribble valley? - So much so, that the 3 set texts of the history curriculum of Great Britain are " The Rise of the Tweedys in the Upper Ribble Valley", " Ribble - Valley of the Gore's" and " My Diary, by A. Tweedy Gore, edited by his chum Jeff Archer"....?

M.P.: Yes, I'm glad to say I've left a legacy of achievement in the Ministry, now that I'm moving to the Health Department, with special powers to investigate the monopoly of the NHS.

REPORTER: And still finding time to head " the Ribble Alliance Healthcare Trust", a subsidiary company of Tweedy Gore Ltd.

Very tough week. I think I'm going to plump for Playfull, just for the bouncy rhythm, but it could have been almost anyone.

Kasm
Or if he's not there then Gappy

All good but Gappy. (I mean all good but I'm voting Gappy, not all except.)

Bloody Gappy innit!

I found it extremely tight to be honest and in the end a toss up between Lee and Gappy. Sorry Lee.

Gappy for me too.

Really good week.

As others mentioned could have picked three or four winners.

Going to have to go for Gappy just for his off the wall character and delicious use of language.

Would just like to mention though that -

a) Stylee blew the BCG budget with a cast of 23!

and b) Absolutely shocked by Michael's entry... used no F**ks, no c**ts and there was absolutely no sign of Jizz!!