I've been working on a sitcom, titled 'The Green, synopsis below.
Swindon Premier Bowls Club has hit hard times. It has been under the guidance of controversial President Bill Miles for ten years but the club is struggling with its finances and an aging, decreasing membership. The committee of the club voted to apply for a Sport England grant in order to keep it up and running. There is also an on-going feud with rivals and better off Wilkington Bowls Club. In order to show Sport England what the club is made of, it has commissioned a video by a local filmmaker to highlight its cause and what it brings to the community. The video and ultimately the grant is perhaps the club's last hope of continuing to remain open.
Below is a cut from the first episode titled 'Open day'.
TEASER
EXT. LOCATION BOWLS CLUB CAR PARK - DAY
Outside shot of a bowls club shown. Smartly dressed man in his 70s with white hair wearing a cream suit (BILL) approaches the entrance of the club after getting out of his car. Younger slim male dressed in black, 30s (PAUL) is seen from behind approaching Bill. Amateur film maker.
BILL:
What you doing loitering out here?
PAUL:
Alright mate. You Bill?
BILL:
Yeah, it is. William Bill Miles.
OBE... Who's asking?
PAUL:
OBE? Blimey, wasn't aware of that.
BILL:
Outstanding. Bowler. Extraordinaire.
Who are you?
PAUL:
It's Paul Pickett. Here for the filming and creating the video. I spoke to a Karl Hernandez earlier. He said to wait for you out here.
BILL:
Where is he then?
PAUL:
Where's who?
BILL:
This bloke who's doing this whole video and interviewing lark. I assume you've just drove him down here? Is he already in there? Ahh, he's not late is he? I can't stand premium Madonna's (sic), who think just because they've done a bit of tele, they can turn up whenever they want.
PAUL:
No, I'm doing the video. The video, editing and everything.
BILL:
(laughs)
You are joking right? With him as well?
(points to cameraman OOV)
Bloody hell, I thought you were just after an autograph or something. Either that or thieving.
(pause)
Anyway welcome to the premier bowls club of Swindon...
Swindon Premier Bowls Club.
PAUL:
Think I'm glad to be here, finally.
Bill does not reply and has got a mobile phone out.
BILL:
(into phone)
Karl, yep, come and get my bags will you.
Sandra's busy in the kitchen.
BILL:
(pause)
In the car park, obviously.
(hangs up)
Right, into the fray! And don't forget to sign in.
Bill and Paul walk to go into the bowls club. Another elderly bald gentleman in his 70s passes them and goes to retrieve the bags by the car. He drops one of the bags, and quickly makes sure he wasn't seen before dusting the bag off.
END OF TEASER
SCENE ONE
INT. LOCATION BOWLS CLUBHOUSE BAR AREA - DAY
An old fashioned looking clubhouse is shown. A row of tables adjoin a skittle alley.
Elderly people are seen sporadically spread over round tables. A couple of people are smoking. There is a small bar with no-one serving.
BILL:
So... here we are... the clubhouse.
Take a look around. Have a good look. Soak it all in.
PAUL:
Nice. It's quite big ain't it?
BILL:
Just like me.
(winks)
PAUL:
Yeah, it looks quite old...
BILL:
Out there...
(points to window)
You know what that is?
PAUL:
A Bowls Green?
BILL:
Nope.
PAUL:
Grass?
BILL:
Nope. Come on...It's not hard. I hope not anyway...
PAUL:
Well I can only see grass, a shed, and suspiciously it looks
like a bloke urinating in a bush...
BILL:
What? Where?
Oh yeah, it's just Les. Probably just watering the plants...I think he's watering the plants...Anyway, whatever he's doing it's all natural, all good for nature. I'll tell you, some summers' are like the bloody Chelsea Flower Show out there. No wonder he's got nine kids... Anyway, what were you saying?
PAUL:
Judging by that I think it's we stay in here for now... So if you don't mind can we take a look around in here, see where we can place all the kit and stuff.
BILL:
Before we do that, I'll tell you who used to be the Groundsman before Les. Until he lost his licence, that man over there.
Bill points to elderly man at the bar (JOHN).
BILL:
(shouting)
John! John! JOHN!!
JOHN:
Alright Mike.
John is a man in his 80s looking over and smiling. His missing teeth are prominent. Gives a nod and a wink.
PAUL:
Mike?
Karl has now struggled with the bags and Bill offers no assistance. Karl slams down one of the bags.
BILL:
Oi! Careful with that Karl! It's got my best
Woods' in there. And if you're taking them to
the changing room with you and you're going to use the lucky wood to show off to new members, make sure you've wiped
and polished it first.
A balding, spectacled man, around his mid 70s (DAVE) is now next to the bar.
DAVE:
Why's Karl polishing your lucky wood?
BILL:
Well he plays better with it when it's polished - don't you Karl? Plus he needs to get it sparkly for the new members.
KARL:
That I definitely do. The amount of times I've used it and it was dirty I just haven't got anywhere... either end that I've played with it it...Mr Muscle, it's the best thing for it.
Karl goes to walk off with the bag.
BILL:
One second Karl, before you go and do that, go and do the bar first will you. John's waiting. He'd probably be waiting all day if it was down to you.
Karl goes behind the bar a bit exacerbated.
DAVE:
And all night...
Bill and Paul walk off up through the clubhouse. Karl goes behind the bar.
JOHN:
Here, Karl, put another one in there will you.
(Already has a pint of beer in his hand)
John looks down towards a skittle alley at another older female who is turned away from him and chatting to another older woman (his wife).
JOHN:
Oi, Karl, quickly, quickly, before she sees.
Get us another double brandy will you.
Karl pours drink and John puts double brandy in pint. His wife looks over just after he puts the drink in the pint. John acknowledges his wife with his glass. Wife looks back suspiciously.
END OF SCENE ONE
SCENE TWO
INT. LOCATION BOWLS CLUBHOUSE OFFICE - DAY
Close up of door, which is labelled 'The MOB'.
Bill is shown sitting at a desk with an unlit cigar. Desk has name tag showing 'Presidance'. Karl is standing behind him. Appears to be a small room with a visible toilet in the corner.
PAUL:
This is cosy.
What's that sign on the door all about - The Mob?
BILL:
(smugly)
The Ministry of Bowls...
PAUL:
Ahh, how did I not guess?
BILL:
Yeah, you'd never imagine this was once the woman's toilets.
Except for the blood of course.
KARL:
Probably wrestling or something.
PAUL:
Hmmm, anyway I'll probably be snappy with some of these questions you've sent me, so it's good for the edit, so tell me if you want me to slow down a bit.
BILL:
Hang on a sec, if you're gonna be moody, and start getting snappy then you can take your little head, turn it ever so slightly, and get out of that door.
PAUL:
No, no, not snappy with you, I'm gonna be firing the questions at you so we can nail the video quicker. Make it more slick and professional.
BILL:
Well, whatever...You've been warned.
PAUL:
Okay...
So, looking at first on the list we've got, If an alien came down from outer space and wanted advice to get into the bowls world, what would it be?...
BILL:
(tapping head with cigar)
Piss off back to Mars, I don't like big heads. Nah joking, Patience... We've got a massive waiting list.
KARL:
Have we? you told me last week to add members twice.
BILL:
Don't remember saying that...
KARL:
Yeah, you said take middle names and add them
separately. Plus you said add Cedric's carer.
BILL:
No..., don't be silly, that was probably Norman...
(points to Karl)
Senile old sod.
Karl goes to reply but Bill glares at him.
PAUL:
OK Bill, the Presidency of the club.
BILL:
Yes.
PAUL:
There's got to be a lot of responsibility, and I suppose that leads to pressure, but what would you say the main role of being
President involves?
BILL:
(laughs)
How long you got?
KARL:
5 inches I'd imagine.
BILL:
I would have said 4...
KARL:
Generous...
PAUL:
Can we just get back to the original question please?
BILL
What was the question?
PAUL:
The role of the presidency, what does it entail?
KARL:
(interrupts)
Integrity.
BILL:
Oi, I'll answer thanks. Well as Karl and all the
members know I've got a motto at this club... Just keep rolling with the bowling.
Bill just looks straight ahead at the camera and points to his badges on his jacket.
PAUL:
What are those?
Bill shows badges on his suit jacket, one says 'Holla at the world's best bowla' and another "rollin with the bowlin".
PAUL:
Humble.
So why is it now that you've decided to apply for a lottery grant from Sport England?
BILL:
Well this club, like almost any other club, cannot
exist through members signing up each year. It's a well
documented fact and I've said it so many times, so many times,
that the fixed overheads of this club are £29,000
and the membership and revenue brings in £24,000.
Now that's £4000 deficit before you even pay a bill.
KARL:
(whispers)
£6000.
Bill glares at Karl.
PAUL:
Understandable. So presumably you've had to tighten the purse strings recently?
BILL:
Any tighter and the club will need a vasectomy. They say the place is going down the tube, well I'm the man to stop and tie its shoelaces.
KARL:
I'd love a vasectomy... Sick of all the times I get wet standing
out there. As long as it hasn't got a leaky roof, i'll be happy.
Bill stares at Karl in disbelief and goes to smoke cigar but it's still unlit.
BILL:
(annoyed)
Karl, give me a light will you.
Karl passes Bill a lighter, Bill goes to light his cigar and the lighter starts playing music Prodigy - "I'm a firestarter, twisted firestarter." "I'm a firestarter, twisted firestarter."
PAUL:
You do realise it's against the law for smoking,
even in private members' clubs?
KARL:
Rubbish.
BILL:
No, it's not rubbish Karl,
It's misguided...
PAUL:
How's it misguided? It looks pretty inside to me...
and to be honest I think Sport England might take quite a dim view of it. We can't have this in the footage.
BILL:
Incorrect.
(Points upwards)
Sunroof. Alright...
END OF SCENE TWO
SCENE THREE
INT. LOCATION BOWLS CLUBHOUSE KITCHEN- DAY
A dumpy looking woman in her mid 60s, with short grey hair and glasses is shown. She is shown on preparing food and talking simultaneously (SANDRA). She is the cook at the club.
SANDRA:
Well days like today, you need to get here early,
you know. I've been here since half seven. Need to make a good impression. Went to Adli (sic) last night and got a load of bread, crisps, you know, nibbles for later. All reduced. Only one day out of date now but never done me any harm...
(smiling)
But some of it is Polish.
INT. LOCATION BOWLS CLUBHOUSE OFFICE - DAY
BILL:
Here's one bit of advice my Grandfather gave me, and I'd pass this advice on to any amateur bowler, and that's look after the arms that God gave you.
PAUL:
What? In what sense are you saying look after your arms? Wear a suit of armour something?
BILL:
What sense? Good old fashioned common sense...
and insurance.
PAUL:
(laughs sarcastically)
What, you've got your arms insured?
BILL:
Absolutely. £51 a month with Legal and
General. Best rates...
PAUL:
You're telling me an insurance company covers bowlers
arms?
BILL:
And cocks...
PAUL:
What?
BILL:
They insure Karl as well.
(laughs)
Really though, if you think about it, it's
just a matter of being careful.
PAUL:
Well yeah, but surely there ain't many bowling accidents? What's going on out there, you fighting each other or something?
BILL
(nods in agreement)
That's why I gave up the boxing 2 year ago. Plus I never sleep with my arms hanging out of the bed in case something falls through the loft.
PAUL:
(confused)
eh...?
BILL:
Yeah. Christmas decorations for one. Bloody prefabs.
Paul looks on still confused.
BILL:
Anyway, the answer is - always look after your arms in bowls.
For one, make sure they're never near a hot oven.
(chuckles).
PAUL:
Mrs Miles job I take it?
BILL:
And Sandra's... but to be honest sometimes
I think she has just served up her hands anyway.
INT. LOCATION BOWLS CLUBHOUSE OFFICE - DAY
Bill is pointing to pictures on the wall.
BILL:
Yeah, there's a lot of history here, 100 years last year.
(pointing)
This was when we won the Doddington cup in 1978.
Gets it wrong, says 1976 on photo.
I still remember the winning shot to this day.
Stan Driver, captain of Wilkington, left handed shot, goes 3 inches too wide. The crowd were going absolutely beserk.
Bill Miles steps up, rolls an immaculate bowl, nestles right next to the Jack. Like a baby to a boob. We win by 1. What a day, what a day.
(Smiling)
Ooh, there's Dennis Cracknell - he's still here,
I could tell you some stories about him.
Weymouth bowls tour 1991...
Bill realises what he is saying and stops.
KARL:
Cracker? He's the secretary this year, after a committee
challenge no less. Our old one Norman, Norman
Gibson was caught stealing.
PAUL:
Stealing? Like what?
BILL:
Grass.
PAUL:
What, was he a drug dealer?
BILL:
He nicked a load of seeds for his garden.
We had one of the driest summer's on record, and
The selfish git decided to do that. Not only that
but it was a donation from one our Sponsors -
Homer Farms. I was fuming.
PAUL:
What did the club do?
BILL:
Well typically the police didn't want to know.
(nodding head in disbelief)
So we had no alternative other than to revoke his
membership and ban him for 15 years.
KARL:
and took him out of all our photos.
PAUL:
How did you remove him from the photos?
Bill points to a photo with a head replaced with X.
END OF SCENE THREE
SCENE FOUR
EXT. LOCATION BOWLS THE GREEN - DAY
A father aged about 40 and son aged around 10 are shown practising with other bowlers. There is one overweight bowler and he plays a terrible shot.
INT. LOCATION BOWLS CLUBHOUSE BAR AREA - DAY
Bill is sitting down talking and joking with 3 other bowlers.
BILL:
He came out of the shed with Peat on his back.
All laugh.
The son seen practising earlier is seen running over to his Dad with a carton of Ribena in his hand. Bill firstly looks annoyed but then smiles when he realises the camera is on him.
KID:
Dad, I loved it! Les said I could play with his balls
next week.
Kid waves arms to say hello and squeezes his ribena carton all over Bill's cream trousers.
BILL:
(furious)
You f**king idiot!
DAD:
(mortified)
Oh Christ. Lewis! I told you not to run in here
and with a drink in your hand. I'm so sorry Bill.
Lewis, look what have you done!? I can't take you anywhere.
Bill is furious. Kid is clearly upset.
KARL:
Come on Bill let's go get you cleaned up.
KID:
Oh no.
(cries)
INT. LOCATION BOWLS CLUBHOUSE OFFICE - DAY
Bill sat in office wearing jeans and cream suit jacket. He's trying to clean the trousers.
BILL:
Who let him in there? I told you about allowing
minors in the bar area. Worst thing ever, letting
kids in pubs.
Bill attempts to clean trousers with tissue, lobs tissue on the floor in frustration
PAUL:
How much did they cost?
BILL:
Don't know, eighty or something.
KARL:
Most likely got them from Oxfam didn't you Bill?
BILL:
Oxfam?.. you're having a laugh mate, I got these from Harrods....Hare Krishna charity.
KARL:
Harry Christian?
BILL:
Yeah... Harry Christian.
KARL:
God bless you Bill, every little helps.
See this man is a nobleman, the club is
in dire financial straits and he sacrifices
himself to wearing rags. Yeah, oh and I forgot to tell you when
I was cleaning your wood, I think I found a bill...
BILL:
What bill?
KARL:
Well, I don't really want to worry you now Bill.
BILL:
No, go on.
KARL:
I think someone has been using your name
and the club account to buy stuff from a catalogue.
Heavens, Evans, something like that.
There was an outstanding payment due for £1,200.
BILL:
You sure that's just not an old account of Norman's?
KARL:
Nah, not Norman, the last clothes bought
would be too fat for him. Especially a 40 inch
waist pair of white trousers.
BILL:
Could be for his wife?
KARL:
Could have been womens' trousers actually.
Bill nervously laughs.
KARL:
Yeah, it's outrageous, I was going to tell you
earlier but with the day that it is. Didn't want to spoil it.
BILL:
Thanks Karl...what would I do without you eh?
I'll get straight onto it.
KARL:
No worries Bill.
(fist pumps his chest with him thumb up)
BILL:
(winks)
Yeah, thanks Karl.
Karl goes to leave the room.
KARL:
Oh, I nearly forgot.
BILL:
Yeah?
KARL:
To save you a job I've called the police. They're going to be round in a bit.
BILL:
You've done what?
KARL:
Called the old Bill and told them about the catalogue account.
As it's in your name they want to speak to you. They'll be round in a bit. That's alright, aint it Bill?
BILL:
(visibly worried)
Yeah...
Yeah..thanks Karl.
Shiiiit.
Picture with X on the head is in shown in background with Bill just looking at it.
END
