New sitcom script - Live/Work feedback needed

Hello again! I submitted a pilot here, way back in 2010, and got lots of very helpful feedback - but the problem was, the script wasn't really about anything - it was about a writer who couldn't write, and was literally called 'write what you know' the irony being I didn't know anything either - so I abandoned it, and have been living in a warehouse community for the last 5 years... So I've written about that! Again, as is the case with friends and family, everyone loves it - which I'm just not interested in, as I know it has problems... and you guys were all very honest last time, so I thought I'd share my latest with you... My copy of final draft doesn't like saving things as PDF so I can't provide a link to it, so it's pasted below...I was thinking of chopping it up into 4 minute sketches and submitting it to channel 4s comedy blaps as they're looking for narrative stuff now - if any particular parts stand out that you think would work well on their own as little snippets, let me know..be as harsh as you like... I'm aware the characters are a tad underdeveloped, I think I'm going to expand it to 40 mins to give myself a bit more breathing room - also, I thought to save myself having to establish that many characters, focus on the main 4 and have everyone else as temporary tenants and each episode new people leave and arrive - that's pretty much what happened here for a few years.. anyway, I'm rambling. Read away!

NORTH LONDON WAREHOUSE - EXT. NIGHT

A sea of sweaty, decorated bodies are congregated outside the large industrial shutter of an even larger warehouse, jaws swinging, eyes darting.

Feather boas, hats, fancy dress, school girls and cartoon characters. Abuzz with chat, chewing gum and hurriedly smoking.

Music spills from the venue, a filthy beat punctuated by deep bass.

Artists are creating a gigantic mural using spray paint.

Girls with fire poi spin passed us, people are playing music around a fire, percussion, guitars, singing.

We move inside, the music drowning out everything else.

A girl spins down from the ceiling wrapped in fabric, unwinding, covered in day glow body paint.

A huge, dense crowd sways in time to the music, hands in the air.

CUT TO:

WAREHOUSE BALCONY

JAMES is stood, drink in hand, arm around a girl, laughing and talking into her ear.
He's good looking, thick dark hair and piercing blue eyes, a cocky grin and a touch of stubble. She's flirting, hand on his chest, maintaining eye contact. We leave them and float down into the crowd.

DAN is DJing, hand in the air, bouncing to his tunes. He wears a bowler hat, vest, striped pants and has his septum pierced, he mixes in a new tune and bounces even harder as the crowd cheer.

We weave through people and find STEPH, super cute, streaks of pink through her blonde hair, a twirl of face paint under her eye, glitter all over her and a vibrant, compelling smile.

Lost in dance, she grabs a guy and spins around with him, and leaps into his arms.
We leave her and speed through the crowd, stopping occasionally on people enjoying themselves. Grabbing each other, dancing, a glitter bomb goes off, streamers fall from the air, a trapeze artist swings gracefully out of no where, we hold on her for a moment and swing with her, diving back into the crowd for a glorious surge as the drop kicks in!

FAST CUTS:

DRINKING

KISSING

SNORTING

DANCING

HUGGING

CUT TO:

AFTER PARTY - JAMES' WAREHOUSE - LATER

The party's winding down. Chilled music plays, people play pool, a guy strums a guitar aimlessly. Everyone is f**ked.

We sample bits of conversations.

A guy and a girl are pilled up.

GIRL 1
Do you have beef with me?

GUY
Nah! Not at all.

GIRL 1
So we've established there's no beef.

GUY
No beef here. I ain't got beef.

GIRL 1
There's no beef on the premises.

GUY 1
Nope. But if there was, we'd just squash it.

GIRL 1
Yeah, well - like, I'd tenderise it. You wanna tenderise beef before committing to squashing it.

GUY
Yeah, yeah, establish the location of the beef, tenderise it, squash it, then-

GIRL 1
Then stir fry it. Stir fry that beef.

Their stupid chat fades out as we dart around the room hearing snippets of other conversations.

ON DAN

DAN
Do you ever just like... Look at your hands... They're f**king mental.

ON GIRL

GIRL 1
(speeding)
It's like bloody 9/11 meets telletubbies.

ON JAMES

He's chatting to a guy wrapped in a large quilt.

JAMES
(tripping)
That one wrapped around you now is 35 years old, hand stitched, bespoke! But that's not even the f**king best one mate.

GUY
I was just cold... Thanks, I-

JAMES
I'll show you, wait there!

He bounds over to a chest and undoes it carefully, removing a large folded sheet.

JAMES
Now, this! This is a quilt.

He unfurls is majestically. It really is magnificent. Patterns, colours, shiny bits, a patchwork of wonder.

GUY
Oh wow that is quite good actually.

JAMES
I told you. Just look at it.

GUY
Yeah, wow look at that bit.

JAMES
It's beautiful! Do you know the woman who made this is an international quilt judge? She travels around the world, judging quilts.

GUY
F**k off...

JAMES
I'm serious.

He pulls the quilt round himself like a giant cape.

JAMES
Me and you. Quilt gang.

He pokes his arms out of the quilt and crosses them making some kind of gang sign gesture.

He smiles widely at the Guy.

JAMES
Quilt Gang.

A mirror with lines and a note gets passed to James.

JAMES
Quilt g- Ooh! What is this? Don't tell me, don't tell me.

He snorts a line deeply and gets ready to get into it.
We pull back from the conversations and transition to a:

TIME LAPSE

People drink and party, as the early morning light of 2am slips into proper daytime some people pass out, others dance and drink, a mountain of cans begin to form like stop motion animation.
We see James, last man standing slump into a heap on the floor amidst bodies and booze as the:

TIME LAPSE ENDS

CUT TO:

JAMES' WAREHOUSE - INT. DAY

Quick footsteps come to a halt in the rubbish. The sound of cans under foot makes James stir.

STEPH
James.

She leans down to his level and pushes on his shoulder.

STEPH
James!

JAMES
Steph... Please.

STEPH
It's today. They're coming.

His eyes ping open.

JAMES
F**k.

James rolls over and presses his hands against his temple groaning.

JAMES
(head buried in rubbish)
Have we got everything we need?

STEPH
(panicked)
...No!

JAMES
Shit! What time is it?

STEPH
It's like 11.30.

JAMES
(counting on his fingers)
We've got... 3 and a bit hours.

STEPH
I'll make breakfast.

JAMES
I don't think we've got time, Steph.

STEPH
(insisting)
Breakfast. Bacon. Eggs.

JAMES
Fine. I'm gonna get rid of all these people.

STEPH
Ok.

Steph heads into the kitchen and James sets about kicking everyone out.

JAMES
RIGHT! EVERYBODY! I'm sorry, but that's it! Come on, f**k off! Time to go home!

DAN (O.S.)
I am home!

JAMES
Not you Dan, obviously... where are you?

DAN (O.S.)
Here.

James looks up, Dan is in a gigantic cargo net that covers the ceiling.

JAMES
Oh, hello.

DAN
Hi!

JAMES
Get down - it's today! We've got to get this place sorted.

CUT TO:

HARDWARE SHOP - INT. DAY

CLOSE ON

Egg yolk dripping on the floor.

Steph is pushing egg and bacon sandwich into her mouth, skirting along a shelf of a million types of screw with her finger until she finds the right one.

She snaps it from the shelf, turns on her heel and marches triumphantly away, running into James who has plasterboard panels on a large trolley, along with some tools and other bits and bobs.

The two of them run into Dan, who is brandishing long wooden beams.

JAMES
Is that everything?

DAN
I think so.

They all head to the checkout.

CUT TO:

JAMES' WAREHOUSE - INT. DAY
There are still people asleep, some have started doing lines and cracking open beers.
James, Steph and Dan burst through the door and get to work.
They throw their things to the ground, wood bouncing around noisily.
As one of the lads grabs a mirror and begins rolling up a five pound note to start doing lines, Steph steps in and removes the mirror.
The guy looks at her like "Aw what?" and she sternly eyes him back.

STEPH
(pointing at the door)
Out! Chop, chop!

The guy sulks and grabs his things, heading for the door.

STEPH
That goes for all of you! What're you still doing here? Go home!

She takes cans off people, and sends them packing.
Meanwhile, James and Dan are sweeping up the immense amount of rubbish into a pile and working on extracting it off site, opening windows as they go, willing the stench of last night to dissipate.

JAMES
Can you finish up here, mate? I'm gonna make a start on the walls.

DAN
As you wish!

James grabs some wooden beams off the ground and holds them up against the wall of the corridor, screwing them into place.

They are transforming the living area.

We pull back to see the extent of the work.
Corridors are being boarded up, making the entire space significantly smaller, making it look like all that exists is the main living area, kitchen and 4 rooms remaining.

CLOSE ON

Screws going into plasterboard.
Things getting neatened up.
A saw chopping wood.

James is boarding up the last area with plasterboard, using a drill to affix the screws and they're done.

The last of the people are filtering out.
The last of the rubbish is being binned.

Dan wheels a computer desk with a PC and a landline phone on it into the corner of the living space and James is pulling out rehearsal equipment into the main space, setting up mics and speakers. He turns to Steph.

JAMES
Everyone's in their places, right?

STEPH
Right. All moved upstairs. Quiet as mice.

JAMES
How long?

STEPH
I dunno... 10 minutes?

There is a sharp knock at the door. They all look at each other worried.
James approaches the door and tentatively opens it.

On the other side is a small bushy MAN. He is weasely, with darty, beady eyes and a little moustache, a clip board and a hi-vis jacket.

MAN
James Warwick?

JAMES
That's me.

MAN
May I come in?

JAMES
Yes, yes of course.

The man enters and walks into the main living area.

MAN
My name is DAVID NOKES, I'm sure you're aware of the allegations against your property-

JAMES
Alleged.

DAVID
Alleged or not, Mr Warwick it is my responsibility to assess the property, and alleviate any suspicions roused by my contemporaries.

JAMES
Absolutely! Fire away, check the place out.

DAVID
Oh I intend to Mr Warwick. I intend to. I assume that everything in the property meets the....

Davids voice muffles as we drift up to the second floor to see another 12 people cramped into a room silently crouched on the floor, listening intently.
We come back down to the first floor.

JAMES
Oh yeah, yeah of course, everything meets the proper regulations. Got the fire extinguishers here, exits over there - everything's tip top.

David runs his fingers along the freshly made walls, his finger stopping on a screw that's not quite in. His eyes narrow and he throws a look at James.

DAVID
You could catch yourself on that.
(checking his clipboard)
What do you three do for work?

JAMES
Well, I'm a musician, that's Steph over there, she's in fashion and Dan is a DJ.

Dan waves.

DAN
Hello.

DAVID
And how would you describe this space?

JAMES
Live-work.

David pulls a moronic face like 'how should I know what that means?' James elaborates.

JAMES
Well... we live here. And we work here. It's our home, our recording studio, our design space... it's everything.

CUT TO:

UPSTAIRS

CHRIS, spindly, 22 is reaching for a lighter that's just slightly too far away.
Not wanting to move he attempts to reach it, inadvertently knocking a lamp over.
Everyone spins to look at him, silently cursing him as it hits the ground with a:

CUT TO:

DOWNSTAIRS

THUD!

David raises his pen from his clipboard.

DAVID
What was that?

JAMES
Hm?

DAVID
That noise, I heard a noise, what was it?

DAN
Pipes!

DAVID
Excuse me?

DAN
We've got... mental pipes here. Keep me up at night
(to James and Steph)
These two are fine, never notice it, but me? Argh, those pipes, it's just water, isn't it? Why does it have to be so loud?

DAVID
I should probably have a look at your boiler, make sure it's not a botch job

DAN
Good idea, I'll show you where it is.

DAVID
I actually used to do a bit plumbing back in the day.

He pops his pen and clipboard down on the table.

DAN
Really? That's... interesting.

Dan escorts him to the bathrooms turning round yelling silently at James "WHAT THE FUUUUUUCK!" Pointing at the ceiling.

CUT TO:

UPSTAIRS

They are having a whispered, almost silent argument.
Lisa is taking charge, bit of a hippy, long hair, angelic face.

LISA
(panicked, angry whispering through her teeth)
Do you? Do you want to be evicted? No?

CHRIS
No.

LISA
Well shut the f**k up!

CHRIS
(horse whisper)
It was an accident!

LISA
(almost silent)
Just keep your hands to yourself and go five minutes without smoking!

CHRIS
Argh!!!

CUT TO:

DOWNSTAIRS
They are emerging from the bathrooms.

DAVID
Well I'm not sure what's causing it, but everything seems OK in there to me.

DAN
Oh, well that's good.

JAMES
So, are we all good then?

DAVID
I think so. Everything seems in order, it complies with regulations... Just about. I'm happy.

JAMES
Then we're happy!

Steph scoops him up and starts walking him out.

STEPH
Let me show you out. I do love your jacket, it's so shiny.

They get to the door, Steph opens it for him.

STEPH
Goodbye!

DAVID
Yes, yes goodby--

She slams the door behind him and runs back inside for a victory lap.

JAMES
Phew! Right, come on everyone it's OK!

We hear a rumble of footsteps and all of a sudden a large lad MIKE, 25 smashes through the plasterboard wall and the rest follow suit, smashing bits to the ground. Dan swings his DJ rig out of his room and begins queuing up a tune.

One housemate opens up the shutter.

CUT TO:

STREET - CONTINUOUS

David arrives at his car, opens the door and gets in. He pats himself down and frowns - he's forgotten something.

CUT TO:

WAREHOUSE

James cracks a beer.

JAMES
Well I think we can call that a success!

Dan starts up a banger and everyone cheers, beers open and the party continues.

CUT TO:

OUTSIDE
David is approaching.

The dull thud of bass emanating from within the warehouse.
In time with the DUFF, DUFF, DUFF of the music we:

CUT BETWEEN:

WAREHOUSE,

OUTSIDE,

WAREHOUSE,

OUTSIDE,

Until!

David is at the shutter.

Without skipping a beat a girl, still wearing her feather boa from last night dances over to him and wraps it around him, pulling him into the centre of the room!

Another housemate hands him a beer which he reluctantly accepts, slightly confused.
He is manoeuvered around the room, occasionally spotting his clipboard and reaching for it.
He is passed from person to person, each hugging him and dancing.
After a moment he begins to let go, enjoying himself, shedding his council drone skin and living a little.

He does a little awkward freestyle dance and the room cheers.

The tunes switch up a notch to drum and bass and he goes wild!

A girl sidles up to him, flirtatiously, holding him. She moves in close, kissing his cheek.
His hands fall down by his sides like this had never happened to him before, one hand barely holding onto his beer.
She smoothly drops something into the can and dances away.
Full of energy he continues dancing, everyone joins in celebrating!

CUT TO:

JAMES' WAREHOUSE - INT. LATER

David is dishevelled. Hi-vis half hanging off his shoulder, shirt unbuttoned, Red Stripe in hand, leaning into James, who has his arm around him.

DAVID
It's so hard... y'know? I've got to put on this face, right? And, like... People hate me-

JAMES
(empathetic)
Nooooooo...

DAVID
They do!

JAMES
Nah, they-

DAVID
They do, they hate me! Come on, you didn't like me...

JAMES
That's not true mate... I do, I do like you!

DAVID
Yeah, but, yeah like - you didn't like me before. You didn't like Mr. Nokes from the council, right?

JAMES
Yeah, but look at us now! Look at us now, like two peas...

DAVID
Two peas?

JAMES
Y'know, two peas in a pod.

DAVID
I've never heard that expression. Whatever, I like you! I like all of you! I love this place, and the people and the artwork!

JAMES
We really like it here too... So, are you going to evict us?
DAVID
Yes.

James looks heartbroken.

A beat.

David breaks first.

DAVID
(laughing)
Nyaaaaah!!

JAMES
(laughing)
Aha, you f**ker!

They clink beers smiling. People dance past them blocking them from view.

CUT TO BLACK.

FADE IN:

STEPHS ROOM - INT. MORNING

Steph is under a mountain of bedding. Her room is a tip.

We spiral down from the ceiling, and she rolls into view, groaning.
She looks pained, eyes screwed up, headache on the way.
She drinks deeply from a pint of water next to the bed and gets up.

Naked, she shuffles across to her wardrobe, puts on a too big dressing gown and leaves the room.

We close in on the bed.

David emerges, rolling over, he's naked, deep in sleep, snoring.

WAREHOUSE - MORNING

Steph trots across the living area aiming for the bathroom, lightly treading barefoot through detritus.
James stirs from the couch, head smothered in a multitude of cushions. He lifts one and spots Steph with a beady eye. He starts laughing manically at her.

STEPH
Don't even start...

He laughs louder.

She pulls the hood up on her dressing gown and continues to the toilet.

TOILET. INT

She opens the door and goes to sit on the loo.
The loo seat slips off underneath her and she awkwardly half falls into the toilet, the seat slipping out from under her and clanging on the floor.
She lets out a sigh and composes herself, adjusting her position and sitting on the bare toilet, shuddering.

LIVING ROOM

Steph is walking back to bed.
James is still laughing.

Steph pulls her hood on yet more tightly.
James, coming down from his fits of laughter he rolls back amongst the mass of cushions in the gigantic sofa, luxuriating in his hangover.

He reaches down and palms the floor finding a half full can of beer. He drinks from it and splutters, spitting it out.

He pours the contents into an empty pint glass and finds cigarette ends floating in it.
A knock at the door.
James grimaces and swallows, getting up and heading for the door.

OUTSIDE

ADAM is stood outside.

He's scrawny, young, 21-ish, jeans, t-shirt, mop of dark hair, big rucksack and gigantic wheeled suitcase.
The door opens. James squints in the sunlight and focuses on Adam.

JAMES
(bleary eyed)
Yes?

Adam checks his watch nervously.

ADAM
Um... Hi.

JAMES
(bemused)
Hello...

ADAM
I'm moving in?
James looks nonplussed.

ADAM
Today? You said one o'clock.
James is searching.

ADAM
A-Adam...

It takes a moment, we feel the cogs working in James' head.

JAMES
Adam... Adam! Yes. Come in!

He opens the door wide for him, and he drags his stuff in.

JAMES
Sorry the place is a bit of a... state.

We see the full scale of the carnage.

Paintings have fallen off the walls, piles of rubbish, cans, bottles, ash trays on the floor, people everywhere, smoke hanging thick in the air.
A horse wanders into frame and feeds on a large stack of hay.

Adam looks at James who looks back at him, seemingly as confused as he is.
James presses the button to open the shutter which slowly raises, making a screeching, metallic grinding noise that goes on for a beat too long.
The horse trots over and exits like it's the most normal thing in the world.

JAMES
So!

ADAM
So...

JAMES
Lots to get through. Let me show you around.

Adam steps over rubbish, following his tour guide attentively. He knocks a sleeping body with his massive luggage, they groan and roll over.

ADAM
(nervous)
Sorry.

QUICK CUTS

LIVING ROOM

JAMES
Living room!

CARGO NET
James is laying in the huge net in the ceiling, Adam looking up at him.

JAMES
Net!

BATHROOMS

JAMES
Bogs!

KITCHEN

JAMES
Do you cook?

ADAM
I...

JAMES
(putting an arm round Adams shoulder)
You will, my friend. You will.

BALCONY

JAMES
We call this the lookout.

ADAM
It's nice.

JAMES
Yeah, I really like how you can like... Look. Out.

OUTSIDE

JAMES
Skate park!

There is a half decent vert ramp, a grind pole and some wooden crates attached to smaller ramps.

We spin to the right.

JAMES
Aaaaaand! Hot tub! For those times when you need to be a little bit naked with others.

INSIDE

JAMES
And that's about it. Any questions?

ADAM
So rent is...

JAMES
First of the month. Preferably cash but I'm easy. Clean up after yourself, don't be a dick and we'll be alright. I'm going to bed, I'll see you in eight to twelve hours.

James walks off leaving Adam amidst a sea of rubbish.

Adam sits down on the couch and someone wakes beneath him.
He jumps and nervously edges off.
He backs into Mike who towers above him. He's wearing a pair of marigold washing up gloves.

ADAM
Do you know where my roo-

Mike puts a finger to Adams lips, which remain in the 'ooh' shape from his half finished word.

MIKE
Sshhhhhh... Now we clean.

He hands Adam a brush and they start cleaning.

CLEANING MONTAGE

Brush bristles kick up dust, and cans clang around on the floor.
People wake up and join in.
Steph leads troops to the recycling bins which get filled from empty with spent cans and pizza boxes.

We see David leaving quietly in the background.

Adam approaches the kitchen - a mountain of pots and pans, dirty glasses, mugs, plates, sopping wet tea towels, underwear, the sink full to the brim with murky water, food of unknown origin floating in it, take away containers everywhere, puddles of mysterious sludge on the tiled floor.

He walks closer, dropping his brush by his side, aghast at the insurmountable odds before him, like a mountaineer about to scale Everest.
Mike sidles up next to him, and takes him away - he's a newbie, he's not ready.

Someone else steps in, rolling up their sleeves.
The place is returning to normal.

Gradually, order restored, until finally:

CUT TO:

LIVING ROOM - LATER

CLOSE UP

A beer can opening.
Adam is smeared in dirt and grime, sat on one of the many sofas, amongst housemates drinking.
James emerges from his room to a beautiful, tidy home.

JAMES
Oh my little cleaning fairies, thank you ever so much.
He comes and sits next to Adam on the sofa and passes him a beer.

ADAM
Oh, that's fine, I'm ok.

JAMES
Don't be silly, you've just done a hard days work.
He cracks the beer for him and puts in his hand.

JAMES
I completely forgot to show you your room!

ADAM
I-
JAMES
Come on!

He slaps Adams knee and they get up and walk across the massive space to a wardrobe.

JAMES
You have the Narnia room!

He opens the wardobe doors and they step in.

JAMES
It's not much, but you can make it your own.

There's crap everywhere, a mattress on the floor, it's half painted, writing on all the walls, a broken light fixture flickers, someone else's rubbish on the floor, bin bags, paint tins.

JAMES
I'll leave you to it.

ADAM
Yeah, thanks.

LIVING ROOM

James sits down next to Dan.

DAN
He settled in alright?

JAMES
Yeah, yeah I think he'll be fine.

James grabs his beer and takes a sip, people bring over take away, and everyone eats, drinks and listens to music.

ADAMS ROOM

It's dark and gloomy.

Adam is trying to get organised.
He pushes a loads of rubbish into the corner with a broom and opens his suitcase.

He takes out a lamp and plugs it in, illuminating the room properly, revealing the full extent of the horror.

Graffiti, splurges of paint, poetry, song lyrics, a million nails and screws and pins and bits of blu-tac.

He unfolds a sheet and a duvet and makes his bed trying to ignore the mess.
A scrabbly noise in the corner.

He looks to it.

Gets on his hands and knees to explore.
A mouse emerges from the rubble and squeaks at him.

ADAM
Hello mate.

It scurries off back into the rubbish.

Adam sits on his mattress and falls backwards laying down.

His tired eyes close but open suddenly to the sound of intense bass coming from the room next door.

His ceiling light vibrates in time to the music.
We close in on him as the beat intensifies.

CLOSER.

CLOSER.

CLOSER.

CUT TO BLACK

END

Is the place where you live actually like this? Sounds like a difficult place to write.

You could probably squeeze an episode out of the idea of an inspector coming round and ending up at the party.
(actually, I like the idea of the inspector coming to the party the night *before*, and nobody recognising him until midway through the inspection when he starts asking questions about the adequacy of unseen beer fridges, quilts or ziplines)

But there's not much plot or structure to the rest of it, and as you say, you haven't done much to develop the core characters yet. Don't think any scenes stand by themselves as sketches, although you could probably get a quick laugh out of something based around "I live here" Dan being in the webbing on the ceiling.

If you did want to fashion an episode starting with what's here already, start by moving the inspector sequence to the end and Adam to the beginning or middle. Introducing a random new character is a terrible way to finish a script, and the whole hiding because they're not supposed to live there shtick is far more interesting if it's the first thing someone has to do after moving in.

Great thank you! It's not exactly like that, this is more of a heightened, hyper real version of it, but of of this has happened - including the inspector stuff... I like the idea of the inspector being there the night before, but it kind of takes away from the frantic need to get everything sorted... Could totally mix up the order of things though, have Adam arrive at the beginning and get to know him, then lead up to the inspection at the end... That might be better actually, yeah cheers deffo want to establish characters more, I wrote this in a day and it just kind of came out without me thinking too much about it, I've since written character bios etc for them... But I wanted some feedback on this draft first, which have provided wonderfully! I want to get some sketch worthy stuff in there, I may just write some individual sketches and submit them along with the separate script... I also am wondering if I'm really writing a sitcom... The scenes in thinking about for later are more drama/comedy - like not safe for work or catastrophe.. That sort of vibe

Hi,

I got some good laughs from that, but I agree with what enigmatic said, the structure was a bit weird. The main event seemed to happen halfway through, then Adam showed up. Would Adam be a main character going forward or is he one of the temporary tenants you mentioned in the opening?

Either way, I could see it working with Adam coming in at the start and the inspection being the event that helps him learn about whatever weird stuff happens in the warehouse, and we learn through him.

Definitely enjoyed reading it though!

I tried reading it but there's so much waffle before anything happens. I gave up basically. It's too much hard work to read.

Cut your descriptions and intro down to 10% of what it is now.

I'm in agreement with Davey. It's more like a novel than a script, with those endless long descriptions. Also, it wasn't until about half way through that anything resembling a plot emerged, as Crindy says, it should start with the inspection. The first half was just aimless banter, and should be cut or bits of it slotted in later.

awesome thanks guys..
Adam would be a main character, the fresh eyes through which we see everything..

so how's this for a new structure:

Adam arrives
they show him around, explain the "situation" with the council
meet characters
council stuff happens
they party
....something else?

i don't feel like there's anything wrong with luxuriating in descriptive stuff. I like setting a scene, but I get it if you're after a strong opening with gags I guess its pretty lacking.. on reading it through again I think we need strong interactions in the beginning - it opens with them partying, its too long before you get any sense of who they are, and when you finally do, it's underdeveloped

Refreshing that you're so open to criticism! I've written a couple of episodes of a sitcom, and lost count of the number of rewrites...

Yeah, I'd get Adam in there first. As it is you're sort of introducing the house setup three times, the initial party/clean-up, David's visit and then Adam arriving.

If he turns up at the start, in the aftermath of a party, then we can be shown round with him, then he could even get caught up in the clean-up and get forced into helping with the cover stories when David arrives, without understanding the full situation. With hilarious consequences, etc, and so on. He could get taken aside during the visit and have bits and pieces explained to him, to spread the exposition of the whole living situation throughout the episode slightly smoother.

I'm not even sure you need a '...something else?' after David gets dragged into the party, that seems like the natural conclusion of the episode. Maybe just a final scene where another (temporary) house guest shows up to set up the transience of some of the tenants?

P.s. I'm very much not an expert, just offering a potentially flawed opinion as I (mostly) enjoyed reading the script.

rejigged the opening... it IS better... makes so much more sense...

TEASER

MUSIC: RATATAT - DRIFT

FADE IN:

EXT. NORTH LONDON WAREHOUSE - DAY

A warehouse, looming, grey industrial.

We move forwards slowly, through the open shutter.

Light floods in through the large windows in the ceiling, detritus covers the floor.
Cans, cigarettes, mirrors, CD cases, baggies, empty bottles and ash trays leaving thin trails of smoke slowly drifting into the air.

The place is very large, high ceilings, bold colours, open plan, with a large square living area and rooms extending behind it, maze like and a large high up balcony running along the upper areas, spattered with bean bags and fairy lights.

An array of mis-matched sofas are strewn about the living area, bodies crammed into them.

We poke around still, lifeless bodies and settle on one broken looking skinny guy.

It moves.
It rolls over.

A crumple of beers cans, a jingle of bottles rolling away on concrete. It's a young man, ADAM.

He rolls over and his eyes ping open panicked. He has no idea where he is.

He gets up shakily like a new born deer and begins inspecting his surroundings.

CUT TO BLACK

The sound of someone falling over, a loud crash.

TITLE:

L I V E / W O R K

TEXT:

24 HOURS EARLIER

EXT. WAREHOUSE - MORNING

ADAM is stood outside waiting. A chicken clucks by his feet and he shoos it away.

He's scrawny, young, 21ish, jeans, t-shirt, mop of dark hair, big rucksack and gigantic wheeled suitcase.

The door opens. JAMES emerges, squinting in the sunlight and focuses on Adam.

JAMES
(bleary eyed, horse)
Yes?

Adam checks his watch nervously.

ADAM
Um... Hi.

JAMES
(bemused)
Hello...

ADAM
I'm moving in?
James looks nonplussed.

ADAM
Today? You said one o'clock.

James is searching.

ADAM
A-Adam...

It takes a moment, we feel the cogs working in James' head.

JAMES
Adam... Adam! Yes. Come in!

He opens the door wide for him, and he drags his stuff in.

JAMES
Sorry the place is a bit of a... state.

It's carnage.

Paintings have fallen off the walls, piles of rubbish, cans, bottles, ash trays on the floor, people everywhere, smoke hanging thick in the air.

A horse wanders into frame and feeds on a large stack of hay.
Adam looks at James who looks back at him, seemingly as confused as he is.
James presses the button to open the shutter which slowly raises, making a screeching, metallic grinding noise that goes on for a beat too long.
The horse trots over and exits like it's the most normal thing in the world.

JAMES
So!

ADAM
So...

JAMES
Lots to get through. Let me show you around.

Adam steps over rubbish, following his tour guide attentively. He knocks a sleeping body with his massive luggage, they groan and roll over.

ADAM
(nervous)
Sorry.

I took every piece of critique on board, switched almost everything round, added character, dialogue... been redrafting for a few weeks, I'd really appreciate any feedback, good or bad...

TEASER

MUSIC: RATATAT - DRIFT

FADE IN:

NORTH LONDON WAREHOUSE - EXT. DAY

A warehouse, looming, grey industrial, shutter gaping open revealing the remnants of a party inside.

We move inside.

Light floods in through large windows in the ceiling, detritus covers the floor.

Cans, cigarettes, mirrors, CD cases, baggies, empty bottles and ash trays leave thin trails of smoke drifting into the air.

The place is large; high ceilings, bold colours, open plan.

A spacious square living area meets corridors with rooms extending behind them, maze like. A wooden balcony borders the upper reaches of the space, twined with fairy lights and spattered with bean bags.

An array of mis-matched sofas are strewn about the living area.

Lifeless bodies lay in a boozy grave.

One groans and rolls over.

ADAM emerges. 21, a mop of dark hair, a filthy t-shirt. Torn jeans - he's been through hell. Beer cans crumple beneath him, a jingle of bottles roll away on the concrete.

His eyes ping open panicked. He assesses his surroundings and gets up shakily like a new born deer and begins inspecting his surroundings.

CUT TO BLACK

The sound of someone falling over, a loud crash.

TITLE:

L I V E / W O R K

TEXT:

24 HOURS EARLIER

WAREHOUSE - EXT. MORNING

ADAM is stood outside waiting. He looks fresh, clean, virginal. A chicken clucks by his feet and he shoos it away with his foot. He awkwardly loses balance as he does this, his huge rucksack causing him to fall backwards. He catches himself on his gigantic wheeled suitcase.

The door opens. JAMES emerges, 26, feather boa wrapped round his neck, couple of days of stubble, a fur waistcoat and a pair of glittery sunglasses atop his head. He squints in the sunlight and focuses on Adam.

He knocks his sunglasses onto the bridge of his nose.

JAMES
(Horse)
Yes?

Adam checks his watch nervously.

ADAM
Um... Hi.

JAMES
(bemused)
Hello...Is that a watch?

ADAM
Um...yes?

James looks nonplussed.

JAMES
Is that a question?

ADAM
Today? You said one o'clock.

JAMES
Who wears watches anymore?

ADAM
People have watches. You said one o'clock.

James looks like he's been accused of something.

ADAM
I'm Adam...I spoke to someone called James.

It takes a moment, we feel the cogs working in James' head, we hear the sound of cogs twisting subtly in the background.

JAMES
Adam... Adam! Right, right, yes. Come in! Sorry! I'm James, I'm James!

He opens the door wide for him, and he drags his stuff in.

JAMES
I honestly forgot you were coming. The place has seen better days. So... Sorry!

It's carnage.

Piles of rubbish, cans, bottles, ash trays on the floor, people everywhere, smoke hanging thick in the air.

A horse wanders into frame and feeds on a large stack of hay.

Adam looks at James who looks back at him, seemingly as confused as he is.

James presses the button to open the shutter which slowly raises, making a screeching, metallic grinding noise that goes on for a beat too long.

The horse trots over and exits like it's the most normal thing in the world.

JAMES
So!

ADAM
So...

JAMES
Lots to get through. Let me show you around.

Adam steps over rubbish, following his tour guide attentively. He knocks a sleeping body with his massive luggage, they groan and roll over.

ADAM
(nervous)
Sorry.

JAMES
(pointing as he speaks)
We've got all your usual gubbins, toilets are over there, kitchen, living area, lookout, drugs den -

ADAM
Drugs den?

JAMES
Yeah, it's where we go when things y'know... go wrong... Showers, balcony, chillout bit. Naughty step. You don't want naughty step duty, it's not the best. Any questions?

ADAM
So rent is...

JAMES
First of the month. Preferably cash but I'm easy. Clean up after yourself, don't be a dick and we'll be alright. I'm going to bed, I'll see you in eight to twelve hours.

James walks off leaving Adam amidst a sea of rubbish.

Adam looks around confused at his brisk introduction to the house. He sits down on the couch and someone wakes beneath him.

He jumps and nervously edges off.

He backs into Mike, 25, Welsh, broad - he towers above him. He's wearing a pair of marigold washing up gloves.

ADAM
Do you know where my roo-

Mike puts a finger to Adams lips, which remain in the 'ooh' shape from his half finished word.

MIKE
Sshhhhhh... Now we clean.

He hands Adam a brush and they start cleaning.

CLEANING MONTAGE

Brush bristles kick up dust, and cans clang around on the floor.

People wake up and join in.

Troops are led to the recycling bins which get filled with spent cans and pizza boxes.

Adam approaches the kitchen - a mountain of pots and pans, dirty glasses, mugs, plates, sopping wet tea towels, underwear, the sink full to the brim with murky water, food of unknown origin floating in it, take away containers everywhere, puddles of mysterious sludge on the tiled floor.

He walks closer, dropping his brush by his side, aghast at the insurmountable odds before him, like a mountaineer about to scale Everest. He falls to his knees in awe at the scale of it.

Mike sidles up next to him, and takes him away - he's a newbie, he's not ready.

Someone else steps in, rolling up their sleeves and digs in.

The place is returning to normal.

Gradually, order restored, until finally:

CUT TO:

LIVING ROOM - LATER

CLOSE UP

A beer can opening.

Adam is smeared in dirt and grime, sat on one of the many sofas, among housemates drinking and chatting. He looks shellshocked. Mum usually does this.

James emerges from his room to a beautiful, tidy home.

JAMES
Oh my little cleaning fairies, thank you ever so much, I don't know what I'd do without you!

He comes and sits next to Adam on the sofa and passes him a beer.

ADAM
Oh, that's fine, I'm ok.

JAMES
Don't be silly, you've just done a hard days work.

He cracks the beer for him and puts it in his hand.

ADAM
OK, so...

JAMES
So! Let me introduce you to everyone.

He gestures to the girl to his right, Steph. She is very pretty, blonde, remnants of last nights glitter on her face. She is dressed in a vest and baggy harem pants with big boots, she's 22.

JAMES
This is Steph! You're lucky to have caught her between excursions, she's usually off traveling somewhere or other. I see her sublets more than I actually see her.

Adam looks besotted with her.

ADAM
Hi!

Steph bounds over and gives him a big hug. He shyly hugs her back, making the most of this rare female contact.

STEPH
You're going to love it here! I mean it can get a bit... y'know, and at first I was like 'aaargh' but after a while it's just like, chill, y'know?

ADAM
Not really.

STEPH
You'll get it, you'll get it.

JAMES
That over there's Billy - he doesn't talk very much but you kind of get what he's on about anyway. Alright Bill!

Billy beatboxes from across the room, a big bassline, followed by some clicks and pops.

JAMES
Exactly mate!
(to Adam)
It makes sense after a while.

Adam waves to Billy.

JAMES
You met Mike before, he's our one and only Welsh boy. He plays rugby and he can drink beer like a big beer drinking beast thing. Mike! Say hello!

Mike trundles over.

MIKE
Hello again, nice to meet you, properly - sorry about the state of the place before, it's usually... well actually that was pretty normal for a... what day is it?

ADAM
It's Thursday.

MIKE
Yeah, yeah pretty standard Thursday fare. I like to stay on top of things, keep the place spic and span!

JAMES
Mike loves cleaning - which works out well because I hate it. That mess of drugs and second hand clothes over there is Dan, he's our resident DJ. I've known him 4 years and I've never seen him without that f**king bowler hat on. There could be anything under there, male pattern baldness, warts, a collection of small birds - I dunno, but don't ask him to take it off.

ADAM
Why?

JAMES
Just don't. And - oh, well everyone else seems to have f**ked off. You'll meet everyone else, we've an eclectic mix in this place! You'll fit right in.

ADAM
How many people live here?

JAMES
15 apart from us.

ADAM
You live with 20 people?

ADAM
You live with 20 people! Welcome! Now, next door are having a party tonight, it's going to be a goodun.

ADAM
I don't-

JAMES
It's going to be a goodun. I promise you've never seen anything like it! Drink up Adamski, you're in for a good night.

ADAM
Adamski?

James slaps Adams knee and gets up, Adam sips his beer coyly

JAMES
Shit, I completely forgot to show you your room!

ADAM
I-

JAMES
Come on, come on!

Adam gets up and they walk across the massive space to a wardrobe.

JAMES
You have the Narnia room!

He opens the wardobe doors and they step in.

JAMES
It's not much, but you can make it your own.

There's crap everywhere, a mattress on the floor, it's half painted, writing on all the walls, a broken light fixture flickers, someones rubbish on the floor, bin bags, paint tins.

JAMES
I'll leave you to it.

ADAM
Yeah, yeah thanks.

LIVING ROOM

James sits down next to Dan.

DAN
He settled in alright?

JAMES
Yeah, yeah I think he'll be fine.

James grabs his beer and takes a sip, people bring over take away, and everyone eats, drinks and listens to music.

ADAMS ROOM

It's dark and gloomy.

Adam is trying to get organised.
He pushes a load of rubbish into the corner with a broom and opens his suitcase.

He takes out a lamp and plugs it in, illuminating the room properly, revealing the full extent of the horror.

Graffiti, splurges of paint, poetry, song lyrics, a million nails and screws and pins and bits of blu-tac.

He unfolds a sheet and a duvet and makes his bed trying to ignore the mess.

A scrabbly noise in the corner.

He looks to it.

Gets on his hands and knees to explore.
A mouse emerges from the rubble and squeaks at him.

Adam recoils and leaves the room.

LIVING ROOM

Adam hurries over to the guys on the couch.

JAMES
Everything alright? Room ok?

ADAM
Yeah, yeah I'll just sort it later.

JAMES
Alright then, well have a beer.

He passes Adam a beer.

JAMES
Steph, what treats have we got?

STEPH
Well good sir, we've a cavalcade of coke, a mountain of MDMA, a... a... we've got lots of drugs. What d'you fancy?

JAMES
Mmm, I wasn't thinking about me Steph, I was thinking about our new arrival.

STEPH
I've got just the thing!

She reaches into a bumbag on the couch and pulls out a bag with a single pill in.

STEPH
I was saving this, but if you promise to have a good time, it's yours.

She passes it to him.

ADAM
What will happen? Will I...die?

STEPH
Yes, you'll die. Its cyanide, I don't like you, and I want you dead.

ADAM
Alright, alright.

JAMES
There's multiple schools of thought on how best to do this, but my personal philosophy is to enjoy with copious amounts of alcohol.

A voice chimes in.

DAN
I'd do it as clean as possible - just water, enjoy it, don't let anything cloud the experience.

Billy beatboxes and makes a hand gesture.

JAMES
Good point Billy.

STEPH
I think it goes well with ketamine. Mix it up, see what happens.

She snorts a line.

Adam considers the options and removes the pill from the bag swallows it with beer.

NORTH LONDON WAREHOUSE - EXT. NIGHT

MUSIC: WILL AND THE PEOPLE - WALKING IN THE AIR

CLOSE ON:

Adams sweaty face, pupils huge, he is soaking in the sights and sounds of a gigantic party.

A sea of sweaty, decorated bodies are congregated outside the large industrial shutter of an even larger warehouse, jaws swinging, eyes darting.

Feather boas, hats, fancy dress, school girls and cartoon characters. Abuzz with chat, chewing gum and hurriedly smoking.

MUSIC FADES OUT - PARTY SOUNDS FADE IN

Music spills from the venue, a filthy beat punctuated by deep bass.

Artists are creating a gigantic mural using spray paint.

Adam watches mouth agape as girls with fire poi spin passed him, people are playing music around a fire, percussion, guitars, singing.

We move inside with James, Dan, Steph and Adam, the music drowning out everything else.

WAREHOUSE - INT

A girl spins down from the ceiling wrapped in fabric, unwinding, covered in day glow body paint.

A huge, dense crowd sways in time to the music, hands in the air.

CUT TO:

WAREHOUSE BALCONY

JAMES is stood, drink in hand, arm around a girl, laughing and talking into her ear. She's flirting, hand on his chest, maintaining eye contact. We leave them and float down into the crowd.

DAN is DJing, hand in the air, bouncing to his tunes, he mixes in a new tune and bounces even harder as the crowd cheer.

We weave through people and find Steph, streaks of pink through her blonde hair, a twirl of face paint under her eye, glitter all over her and a vibrant, compelling smile.

Lost in dance, she grabs a guy and spins around with him, and leaps into his arms.

We leave her and speed through the crowd, stopping occasionally on people enjoying themselves. Grabbing each other, dancing, a glitter bomb goes off, streamers fall from the air, a trapeze artist swings gracefully out of no where, we hold on her for a moment and swing with her, diving back into the crowd for a glorious surge as the drop kicks in!

We see Adam, completely overwhelmed by everything. He jumps up and down, dancing - this is amazing!

FAST CUTS:

DRINKING

KISSING

SNORTING

DANCING

HUGGING

CUT TO:

AFTER PARTY - JAMES' WAREHOUSE - LATER

The party's winding down. Chilled music plays, people play pool, a guy strums a guitar aimlessly. Everyone is f**ked.

We sample bits of conversations.

A guy and a girl are pilled up.

GIRL 1
Do you have beef with me?

GUY
Nah! Not at all.

GIRL 1
So we've established there's no beef.

GUY
No beef here. I ain't got beef.

GIRL 1
There's no beef on the premises.

GUY 1
Nope. But if there was, we'd just squash it.

GIRL 1
Yeah, well - like, I'd tenderise it. You wanna tenderise beef before committing to squashing it.

GUY
Yeah, yeah, establish the location of the beef, tenderise it, squash it, then-

GIRL 1
Then stir fry it. Stir fry that beef.

Their stupid chat fades out as we dart around the room hearing snippets of other conversations.

ON DAN

DAN
Do you ever just like... Look at your hands... They're f**king mental.

ON GIRL

GIRL 1
(speeding)
It's like bloody 9/11 meets telletubbies.

ON JAMES

He's chatting to Adam who is wrapped in a large quilt.

JAMES
(tripping)
That one wrapped around you now is 35 years old, hand stitched, bespoke! But that's not even the f**king best one mate.

ADAM
(enthralled)
What's the best one?

JAMES
I'll show you, wait there!

He bounds over to a chest and undoes it carefully, removing a large folded sheet.

JAMES
Now, this! This is a quilt.

He unfurls is majestically. It really is magnificent. Patterns, colours, shiny bits, a patchwork of wonder.

ADAM
That is amazing.

JAMES
I told you. Just look at it.

ADAM
Yeah, wow look at that bit.

JAMES
It's beautiful! Do you know the woman who made this is an international quilt judge? She travels around the world, judging quilts.

ADAM
No she doesn't. That's not a thing.

JAMES
I'm serious. She's an international quilt judge. Well, mainly Northern Ireland and parts of Germany, but still. Quilt judge.

He pulls the quilt round himself like a giant cape.

JAMES
Me and you. Quilt gang.

He pokes his arms out of the quilt and crosses them making some kind of gang sign gesture.

He smiles widely at Adam.

JAMES
Quilt Gang.

ADAM
Quilt gang!

A mirror with lines and a note gets passed to James.

JAMES
Quilt g- Ooh! What is this? Don't tell me, don't tell me.

He snorts a line deeply and passes it to Adam.

We pull back from the conversations and transition to a:

TIME LAPSE

People drink and party, as the early morning light of 2am slips into proper daytime some people pass out, others dance and drink, a mountain of cans begin to form like stop motion animation.
We see James and Adam, last men standing slump into a heap on the floor amidst bodies and booze as the:

TIME LAPSE ENDS

CUT TO:

JAMES' WAREHOUSE - INT. DAY

Quick footsteps come to a halt in the rubbish. The sound of cans under foot makes James stir.

STEPH
James.

She leans down to his level and pushes on his shoulder.

STEPH
James!

JAMES
Steph... Please.

STEPH
It's today. They're coming.

His eyes ping open.

JAMES
F**k.

James rolls over and presses his hands against his temple groaning.

JAMES
(head buried in rubbish)
Have we got everything we need?

STEPH
(panicked)
...No!

JAMES
Shit! What time is it?

STEPH
It's like 11.30.

JAMES
(counting on his fingers)
We've got... 3 and a bit hours.

Adam stirs from beneath the table.

ADAM
What's happening?

JAMES
The council - they're coming to assess the place. They think four people live here.

ADAM
What? A lot more than four people live here!

JAMES
I know! Hence the panic - we have to clean this place up and disguise anything that resembles an extra room - this is all that exists, these four rooms and this shared space.

ADAM
And why does it matter how many people live here?

JAMES
We're paying business rates - it's a lot cheaper. But, obviously we're not a business.

JAMES
So this is illegal? I've moved into an illegal warehouse?

JAMES
Illegal... Rule bendy... It's complicated.

ADAM
It doesn't sound complicated - it sounds really simple. You lied about how many people live here so you can avoid paying the proper rates! And now the council are going to, what? Evict us?

JAMES
Look, this isn't about the law, it's maintaining our lifestyle. No one's getting evicted - are you in or out?

ADAM
I guess so...

JAMES
Excellent!

STEPH
I've got breakfast on.

JAMES
I don't think we've got time, Steph.

STEPH
It's nearly ready!

JAMES
Steph--

STEPH
Breakfast!

JAMES
Fine. I'm gonna get rid of all these people.

STEPH
Ok.

JAMES
Adam gimme a hand.

Steph heads into the kitchen and James sets about kicking everyone out.

JAMES
RIGHT! EVERYBODY! I'm sorry, but that's it! Come on, f**k off! Time to go home!

DAN (O.S.)
I am home!

JAMES
Dan? Where are you?

DAN (O.S.)
Up here.

James looks up, Dan is in a gigantic cargo net that covers the ceiling.

JAMES
Oh, hello.

DAN
Hi!

JAMES
Get down - we've got to get this place sorted.

Adam tentatively prods at someones body.

ADAM
'Scuse me! It's... It's time to go...

They groan loudly and roll over, Adam gasps and retreats following James, Dan and Steph as they exit.

CUT TO:

HARDWARE SHOP - INT. DAY

CLOSE ON

Egg yolk dripping on the floor.

Steph is pushing egg and bacon sandwich into her mouth, skirting along a shelf of a million types of screw with her finger until she finds the right one.

She snaps it from the shelf, turns on her heel and marches triumphantly away, running into James who has plasterboard panels on a large trolley, along with some tools and other bits and bobs.

The two of them run into Dan, who is brandishing long wooden beams.

JAMES
Is that everything?

DAN
I think so. Where's Adam?

A clattering of plastic tubs and tins a aisle down draws their attention. They investigate.

Adam has a paint roller extension over his shoulders with large buckets attached to either end like a washer woman. He is losing his balance and dropping stuff.

JAMES
Come here.

He grabs a couple of buckets and relieves Adam of the brunt of the equipment.

ADAM
Thanks.

They all head to the checkout.

CUT TO:

JAMES' WAREHOUSE - INT. DAY

There are still people asleep, some have started doing lines and cracking open beers.

James, Steph, Dan and Adam burst through the door and get to work.

They throw their things to the ground, wood bouncing around noisily.

As one of the lads grabs a mirror and begins rolling up a five pound note to start doing lines, Steph steps in and removes the mirror.

The guy looks at her like "Aw what?" and she sternly eyes him back.

STEPH
(pointing at the door)
Out! Chop, chop!

The guy sulks and grabs his things, heading for the door.

STEPH
That goes for all of you! What're you still doing here? Go home!

She takes cans off people, and sends them packing.

Meanwhile, James and Dan are sweeping up crap into a pile and working on extracting it off site, opening windows as they go, willing the stench of last night to dissipate.

JAMES
Can you finish up here, mate? I'm gonna make a start on the walls.

DAN
As you wish!

ADAM
What should I do?

DAN
Can you use a drill?

He looks at him like 'of course I can use a drill'.

James grabs some wooden beams off the ground and hands them to Adam.

JAMES
Drill these into those frames, it's where our fake walls are going.

ADAM
Fake walls?

JAMES
Yeah, this place needs to look half the size, for that we need fake walls. Get to it!

CLOSE ON

Screws going into plasterboard.
Things getting neatened up.
A saw chopping wood.

James is boarding up the last area with plasterboard, using a drill to affix the screws and they're done.

The last of the people are filtering out.
The last of the rubbish is being binned.

Dan wheels a computer desk with a PC and a landline phone on it into the corner of the living area and Adam is pulling out rehearsal equipment into the main space, setting up mics and speakers.

James has changed into something more respectable and is smooshing his hair down.

JAMES
Everyone's in their places, right?

STEPH
Right. All moved upstairs. Quiet as mice.

JAMES
How long?

STEPH
I dunno... 10 minutes?

There is a sharp knock at the door. They all look at each other worried.

James approaches the door and tentatively opens it.

On the other side is a small bushy MAN. He is weasely, with darty, beady eyes and a little moustache, a clip board and a hi-vis jacket.

MAN
James Warwick?

JAMES
That's me.

MAN
May I come in?

JAMES
Yes, yes of course.

The man enters and walks into the main living area.

MAN
My name is DAVID NOKES, I'm sure you're aware of the allegations against your property-

JAMES
Alleged.

DAVID
Alleged or not, Mr Warwick it is my responsibility to assess the property, and alleviate any suspicions roused by my contemporaries.

JAMES
Absolutely! Fire away, check the place out.

DAVID
Oh I intend to Mr Warwick. I intend to. I assume that everything in the property meets the...

Davids voice muffles as we drift up to the second floor to see another 15 people cramped into a room silently crouched on the floor, listening intently.
We come back down to the first floor.

JAMES
Oh yeah, yeah of course, everything meets the proper regulations. Got the fire extinguishers here, exits over there - everything's tip top.

David runs his fingers along the freshly made walls, his finger stopping on a screw that's not quite in. His eyes narrow and he throws a look at James.

DAVID
You could catch yourself on that.
(checking his clipboard)
What do you four do for work?

JAMES
Well, I'm a musician, that's Steph over there, she's in fashion and Dan is a DJ.

Dan waves.

DAN
Hello.

DAVID
And what about this one?

JAMES
Hm?

DAVID
Him, what does he do?

ADAM
Door to door salesman.

James sends him a confused look.

DAVID
What do you sell?

JAMES
...Toiletries?

DAVID
And how would you describe this space?

JAMES
Live-work.

David pulls a moronic face like 'how should I know what that means?' James elaborates.

JAMES
Well... we live here. And we work here. It's our home, our recording studio, our design space...Our...toiletry stock room... it's everything.

CUT TO:

UPSTAIRS

CHRIS, spindly, 22 is reaching for a lighter that's just slightly too far away.

Not wanting to move he attempts to reach it, inadvertently knocking a lamp over.

Everyone spins to look at him, silently cursing him as it hits the ground with a:

CUT TO:

DOWNSTAIRS

THUD!

David raises his pen from his clipboard.

DAVID
What was that?

JAMES
Hm?

DAVID
That noise, I heard a noise, what was it?

DAN
Pipes!

DAVID
Excuse me?

DAN
We've got... mental pipes here. Keep me up at night
(to James and Steph)
These two are fine, never notice it, but me? Argh, those pipes, it's just water, isn't it? Why does it have to be so loud?

DAVID
I should probably have a look at your boiler, make sure it's not a botch job

DAN
Good idea, I'll show you where it is.

DAVID
I actually used to do a bit plumbing back in the day.

He pops his pen and clipboard down on the table.

DAN
Really? That's... interesting.

Dan escorts him to the bathrooms turning round yelling silently at James "WHAT THE FUUUUUUCK!" Pointing at the ceiling.

James turns to Adam.

JAMES
A door to door toiletry salesman?

ADAM
I panicked.

CUT TO:

UPSTAIRS

They are having a whispered, almost silent argument.

Lisa is taking charge, bit of a hippy, long hair, angelic face.

LISA
(panicked, angry whispering through her teeth)
Do you? Do you want to be evicted? No?

CHRIS
No.

LISA
Well shut the f**k up!

CHRIS
(horse whisper)
It was an accident!

LISA
(almost silent)
Just keep your hands to yourself and go five minutes without smoking!

CHRIS
You keep YOUR hands to yourself and go five minutes without being a... BITCH!

CUT TO:

DOWNSTAIRS

They are emerging from the bathrooms.

DAVID
Well I'm not sure what's causing it, but everything seems OK in there to me.

DAN
Oh, well that's good.

JAMES
So, are we all good then?

DAVID
I think so. Everything seems in order, it complies with regulations... Just about. I'm happy.

JAMES
Then we're happy!

Steph scoops him up and starts walking him out.

STEPH
Let me show you out. I do love your jacket, it's so shiny.

They get to the door, Steph opens it for him.

STEPH
Goodbye!

DAVID
Yes, yes goodby--

She slams the door behind him and runs back inside for a victory lap.

JAMES
Phew! Right, come on everyone it's OK!

We hear a rumble of footsteps and all of a sudden Mike smashes through the plasterboard wall and the rest follow suit, smashing bits to the ground. Dan swings his DJ rig out of his room and begins queuing up a tune.

One housemate opens up the shutter.

CUT TO:

STREET - CONTINUOUS

David arrives at his car, opens the door and gets in. He pats himself down and frowns - he's forgotten something.

CUT TO:

WAREHOUSE

James cracks a beer.

JAMES
Well I think we can call that a success!

Dan starts up a banger and everyone cheers, beers open and the party continues.

CUT TO:

OUTSIDE

David is approaching.

The dull thud of bass emanating from within the warehouse.

In time with the DUFF, DUFF, DUFF of the music we:

CUT BETWEEN:

WAREHOUSE,

OUTSIDE,

WAREHOUSE,

OUTSIDE,

Until!

David is at the shutter.

Without skipping a beat a girl, still wearing her feather boa from last night dances over to him and wraps it around him, pulling him into the centre of the room!

Another housemate hands him a beer which he reluctantly accepts, slightly confused.
He is maneuvered around the room, occasionally spotting his clipboard and reaching for it.

He is passed from person to person, each hugging him and dancing.

After a moment he begins to let go, enjoying himself, shedding his council drone skin and living a little.

He does a little awkward freestyle dance and the room cheers.

The tunes switch up a notch to drum and bass and he goes wild!

A girl sidles up to him, flirtatiously, holding him. She moves in close, kissing his cheek.

His hands fall down by his sides like this had never happened to him before, one hand barely holding onto his beer.

She smoothly drops something into the can and dances away.

Full of energy he continues dancing, everyone joins in celebrating!

CUT TO:

JAMES' WAREHOUSE - INT. LATER

David is dishevelled. Hi-vis half hanging off his shoulder, shirt unbuttoned, Red Stripe in hand, leaning into James, who has his arm around him.

DAVID
It's so hard... y'know? I've got to put on this face, right? And, like... People hate me-

JAMES
(empathetic)
Nooooooo...

DAVID
They do!

JAMES
Nah, they-

DAVID
They do, they hate me! Come on, you didn't like me...

JAMES
That's not true mate... I do, I do like you!

DAVID
Yeah, but, like - you didn't like me - not before. You didn't like Mr. Nokes from the council, right?

JAMES
Yeah, but look at us now! Look at us now, like two peas...

DAVID
Two peas?

JAMES
Y'know, two peas in a pod.

DAVID
I don't know what that mean. Anyway, the point is, I like you! I like all of you! I love this place, and the people and the artwork!

JAMES
We really like it here too... Are you going to evict us?

DAVID
I mean, in accordance with section 224, legally speaking, yes - I have to evict you.

James looks heartbroken.

JAMES
But...

A beat.

David breaks first.

DAVID
(laughing)
Nyaaaaah!!

JAMES
(laughing)
Aha, you f**ker!

They clink beers smiling. People dance past them blocking them from view.

CUT TO BLACK.

FADE IN:

STEPHS ROOM - INT. MORNING

END CREDITS

Steph is under a mountain of bedding. Her room is a tip.

We spiral down from the ceiling, and she rolls into view, groaning.

She looks pained, eyes screwed up, headache on the way.

She drinks deeply from a pint of water next to the bed and gets up.

Naked, she shuffles across to her wardrobe, puts on a too big dressing gown and leaves the room.

WAREHOUSE - MORNING

Steph trots across the living area aiming for the bathroom, lightly treading barefoot through detritus.

James stirs from the couch, head smothered in a multitude of cushions. He lifts one and spots Steph with a beady eye. He starts laughing manically at her.

STEPH
Don't even start...

He laughs louder.

She pulls the hood up on her dressing gown and continues to the toilet.

TOILET. INT

She opens the door and goes to sit on the loo.
The loo seat slips off underneath her and she awkwardly half falls into the toilet, the seat slipping out from under her and clanging on the floor.

She lets out a sigh and composes herself, adjusting her position and sitting on the bare toilet, shuddering.

LIVING ROOM

Steph is walking back to bed.
James is still laughing.

Steph pulls her hood on yet more tightly.

STEPHS ROOM

CLOSE ON

Stephs bed. The duvet moves, we see David stirring, he rolls over revealing a hairy back and arse crack. Steph opens the door and walks in.

CLOSE ON

Her dressing gown dropping to the floor, feet stepping into bed.

DAVID
Ooh morning.

END

That's a lot better now you get Adam in from the start, yeah.

It still reads like there's no flow from the first half to the second half. I think you need to at least have someone mention the upcoming inspection early on so we know that's hanging over them. It feels like that's the big event of the piece, but it's still not even hinted at until halfway through, you maybe need to integrate the 'Adam arriving' plot with the 'Scary inspection' plot more. An obvious, lame, way would be post-cleaning montage have someone mention the inspection and say "We can't have a party tonight with that coming up", cut immediately to: Party in full swing. There's definitely a better way of doing that. As I said, lame.

I'm also still not sure I quite understand the concept of the house set-up, it's like something in between a squatter situation and an artistic collective?

Still, as I said earlier, I thought a lot of the dialogue was zippy and funny. And the new draft is a big improvement on the first!

RIGHT!

Thanks for the feedback, I've got a lot of feedback, and basically what I've decided is, I got all excited about the project, and tried to cram an entire seasons worth of stuff into one episode. SO - what follows is a completely re-written and in my opinion, much better version of HALF of episode one. Again, I'm totally open to feedback, everything gets taken on board.. It's a completely different approach, just focusing on Adam, his life and eventual moving into the new place in episode two... If anyone has any feedback, good or bad, hit me with it! Thanks for taking the time to read, it's really, really useful!! I've included a short description of episode one... The whole thing's only 11/12 pages right now, so it won't take long to read. Thanks again!

LIVE/WORK

BY MATTHEW WHITEHOUSE

EPISODE ONE: MOVING OUT
Adam is down and out. His job is boring and at 29
his friends have all moved on into the realm of
babies and marriage. He texts them and tries to stay
in touch but to no avail. His luck with girls is
equally in the pits, with even Tinder turning up
nothing. His rent is overdue, he has bills mounting
up - he decides to get out. He sees an advert for a
warehouse share - a beautiful open plan space, full
of light and vibrant people and its only 600 pounds
a month all inclusive! He's saved. He decides to
move in, but when he arrives, everything is not as
he expected.

TEASER

MUSIC: SHIRLEY AND COMPANY - SHAME SHAME SHAME

FADE IN

INT. LONDON FLAT - DAY

A studio apartment.

It is poky and cramped, wallpaper peels revealing
grey walls, mattress on the floor.

A kitchenette is in one corner, spattered with
tomato sauce and bits of pasta.

Old cups have gathered mold, the sink is full of
murky, questionable water.

A keyboard and guitar lay under a mound of dirty
clothes.

A knock at the door causes it to rattle in its
frame.

MUSIC FADES INTO BACKGROUND

ADAM, 29, scruffy but attractive stirs from under
the sheets.

MANS VOICE (O/S)
Adam!

He bangs again.

MANS VOICE (O/S)
Adam! Adam!!

Adam kicks the covers off in frustration and walks
to the door in his pants, opening it angrily.

ADAM
Yes! Yes Mr. Wooding! What can I do for you on this
fine, fine Sunday morning?

MR. WOODING
It's your rent, Adam - again, this is the
third time! If you can't afford this place you're
going to have to go.

ADAM
And give up all of this, eh?

MR. WOODING
Enough of that! You're a week late, get it paid or
f**k off.

Adam slams the door.

A hand reaches through the letterbox clutching a
bundle of letters.

MR. WOODING (O/S)
These came.

Adam grabs them and takes a look, throwing them to
the side.

CUT TO

ADAMS FLAT - LATER

Adam is scrolling through Facebook. Pictures of
people his age, friends, with their babies and
pregnancies and wedding photos.

Adam exhales deeply.

CUT TO

ADAMS FLAT - LATER

Adam is on the phone.

ADAM
Phil. Phil, one drink. Come on! Leave the
kids for five minutes!
...Well how sick?
...Meningitis? Well... Shit. Yeah, alright. No, no
it's fine. Next week, yeah. Maybe. Laters.

He hangs up.

CUT TO

ADAMS FLAT - LATER

CLOSE ON

ADAMS PHONE

Tinder is out of results.

He goes to settings and extends the search results
from 18-25 to 18-45, hovers over confirm for a
minute and slides it back to where it was.

Exits Tinder.

His phone rings.

Excited, he drops the phone and scrabbles to answer
it.

ADAM
Hello? Hello?

VOICE
Adam? Is that you?

ADAM
Chris? Mate! How are you? It's been forever.

CHRIS
Wheeey! Yeah I just got back from traveling mate,
Thailand, India, South America, the...regular
America - been all over. What you doing? You fancy a
drink?

ADAM
(looking around his dilapidated flat)
Ah, I'm a bit bogged down with work stuff mate...
But, yeah I reckon I can pop out for a few.

CHRIS
Great! See you at the Queens in thirty.

ADAM
Yeah, great.

CHRIS
In a bit dickhead!

CUT TO

EXT. PUB - NIGHT

CHRIS is sat outside drinking a pint and smoking, he
sees Adam approaching and gets up. He's very, very
tanned and wearing a mishmash of worldly clothes.

CHRIS
Yes! You pasty f**ker! You need to get out more man,
get some sunshine, Vitamin D an all that! What's
been happening? You want a drink?

ADAM
Yeah, yeah sure.

CHRIS
Oi! Oi, Miss?

The waitress ignores him

CHRIS
Miss!

She comes over.

CHRIS
A pint of imported fancy lager in a tall gay glass
like this for my friend here.
(she notes it down)
Thanks a lot love! So! What have you been up to?
What's been happening? How's your music thing? There
was a music thing right?

ADAM
Oh you know, work gets in the way...it's..I've got
some stuff, new angles, but... Hey, it sounds like
you've got a lot more to tell, I'd rather hear about
your stuff! How was your trip?

CHRIS
Oh, mate it was the tits! The absolute tits! The
crème de la crème! The bees knees, the-

ADAM
So it was good, then?

CHRIS
It was, yeah. I mean if you call having a three way
on the back of an elephant in the jungle "good".
Then yeah, it was pretty spectacular.
The waitress brings over Adams beer.

ADAM
Cheers.
Chris clinks his glass against Adams.

CHRIS
Cheers!

CUT TO

LATER (MAYBE EXPAND ON DIALOGUE)

CHRIS
So where you living now?

ADAM
Still East. Pokey little studio flat with this dick
of a land lord.

CHRIS
Oh sounds lovely.

ADAM
Everything's broken and I'm paying f**king twelve
hundred a month.

CHRIS
Shit! You wanna f**k that off mate...

ADAM
That's London, innit?

CHRIS
Know where I've ended up? You'll shit!

ADAM
Where?

CHRIS
A share house - big f**k off warehouse in North
London.

ADAM
What? You hated living with just me!

CHRIS
I know! I never thought I'd be living with
housemates after thirty, but there's fanny
everywhere, loads of parties and it's all inclusive!

ADAM
How much?

CHRIS
Five fifty a month including bills! HA!

Adam looks up from his drink...

CUT TO

INT. ADAMS WORK - DAY

Adam works in a generic office.
The walls are grey, a gigantic clocks ticks on the
far wall. They have casual Fridays, work drinks,
fridge space.

Adam is sat at his desk staring into space.
His boss approaches - DAVE. Dave is a "Nice Guy".
Cardigan, shops at Next, eats bread with seeds in.

DAVE
Hi, Adam. Adam?

Adam clocks Dave and acknowledges him.

DAVE
How you doing today? You seem a bit...

He pulls a sad face and wipes away a tear like a
shit mime.

ADAM
(vacant)
I'm fine, yeah, really, really good.

DAVE
How about I brighten your day with some...

He drums on the table in anticipation.

DAVE
Invoices! They're in your inbox, get em done by 5,
yeah? Have a great day Adam.

Dave winks and clicks his fingers.

Adam sighs quietly as Dave leaves.

He clicks his mouse and opens his browser.
He types "warehouse North London"

A female member of staff walks past and he closes
the window.

KAREN
Morning Adam!

He smiles widely at her.

ADAM
Morning Karen!

KAREN
Tea?

ADAM
Fine thanks!

He clicks the window open again and clicks the first
result.

CLOSE ON

A gumtree style page.

"BIG BRIGHT WAREHOUSE! £600 P/M"
We see pictures of an enormous, beautiful space,
full of lovely old couches and bright windows in the
ceiling, a pristine kitchen and friendly, happy
looking people.

He scrolls down.

"Hello!! Are you AMAZING!? We are (see pictures) and
we need another person to join us! Doesn't matter
what you do, so long as you do something! We're a
lively bunch of musicians, artists and miscreants
and we want to meet you!"

Adam scrolls up and checks the pictures.

Parties, smiling people, it's bright and colourful
and people are having fun!

Adam looks around at what his life is.

He looks back at the screen and notes down the
number on a post-it.

EXT. CAFE - DAY

Adam is on lunch and queuing to get a sandwich.

WOMAN
What can I get you love?

ADAM
Um, BLT please.

He gets to the til and rummages for cash.

He takes out five pounds and hands it to the girl
behind the til.

The post-it is in his hand as well. He unscrews it
and takes out his phone.

GIRL
(handing him a bag)
Here you go.

ADAM
Cheers.

GIRL
And your change.

ADAM
Oh, keep it.

GIRL
Have a nice day!

Adam takes his sandwich outside and sits down. He
unwraps his sandwich and puts it on the table.

He takes out his phone and dials the number.

It rings for a long time.

He looks at his sandwich.

It rings.

He picks up his sandwich and takes a bite.

Someone answers.

VOICE
Hello?

Adams mouth is full of BLT, he mumbles through it.

VOICE
Hello?

He swallows a big chunk of sandwich and forces it
down.

ADAM
Hi! I'm calling about the vacancy. The room. The
warehouse!

VOICE
Right yeah, course! We've had loads of responses so
we're just gonna throw a party on Friday, meet
everyone at once. Come along, I'll text you the
deets.

ADAM
Um, yeah? Ok...

VOICE
Ok! See you Friday!

ADAM
See you Friday.

He hangs up.

FRIDAY

LONDON STREET - NIGHT

Adam is following his GPS to a location. He heads
into a large industrial estate. Looks at his phone,
up at the area, back at his phone - do people live
here?

He walks passed abandoned businesses and dilapidated
spaces towards the distant sound of music.

He arrives at his destination, loud music spills out
of the large shutter.

He knocks.

A guy in his early twenties answers. He's drunk,
wearing a robe and has a can of Red Stripe in his
hand.

GUY
Hello!

ADAM
Hey, I'm here about the room.

GUY
Great, I'm James. Welcome, welcome. Come in!
Adam follows James inside.

There is a lot of people.

It's hard to tell who lives there and who is
visiting

Adam walks into the party taking it in.

There's a large table that spans a good two and a
half meters, adorned with alcohol and snacks.

A mirrorball hangs from the ceiling, large comfy
sofas are everywhere.

A girl bounds up to Adam excitedly.

GIRL
Hi!

ADAM
Hello.

GIRL
My name's Trixy, what's yours?

ADAM
Trixy? I've just got a regular normal person name,

I'm Adam. Nice to meet you.

TRIXY
Nice to me you! Are you thinking of moving in?

ADAM
Yeah? I think so, I don't know yet. Let's see what
happens, eh?

TRIXY
You want a tour?

ADAM
Yeah, sure.

TRIXY
Follow me!

She grabs his hand and takes him off into the party.......

Not sure the back-story adds that much to be honest, unless you're going to create problems that return to haunt your protagonist. The audience should be able to figure out what reasons a person might have for considering moving into a warehouse. If it does need a back story, it needs to be more appealing to the viewer than reading Gumtree ads off the TV screen.

Somewhere along the line you're going to have to decide whether you're writing comedy, comedy drama or just drama too...

Wow, ok, that is a bit different! But I kinda agree with enigmatic. You're now spending half the episode introducing a bunch of characters that we might not necessarily ever see again (Possibly, I don't know how you'd see the concept progressing).

For the record, I don't think you were cramming too much into the previous version, I just think the two big plot points (Adam moving in and the inspection) could be integrated a little more, rather than the first half being the moving in, then halfway through the inspection being announced. Also depends on what role the inspector fella would have going forwards. Would he join the collective, or would he return to work humiliated and become an antagonist?

Interestingly(ish), I've got a hashed-out pilot script sitting around that I've had similar issues with. It uses the 'new guy arriving somewhere' plot to help set the scene (if it works for Ricky Gervais, it can work for me!), and I've also had to strip back a load of back story to hurry the main characters together more quickly. If we find out anything that will become vital in future episodes about Adam's previous situation, it might be better to try and integrate that into the dialogue once he's arrived at the warehouse somehow.

Again, just the opinions of a random internetter!