ONELINERS
BREAKING NEWS
Writers to complete Stieg Larsson's planned 10 volumes of Lisbeth Solander novels in "Girl With a Senior Citizen's Bus Pass".
Inventor develops new 'U Bend' to filter out household fat- he just has to work out how to fit an American child under each sink.
'Crusty Neapolitan' wins World Pizza Championship- with his 8-inch Margarita.
VIEWSJACK
WOMAN: "No, I haven't followed the trend and coloured my hair grey, it went like this on its own, during the sixth week of School Holidays ".
MAN: "Babies born the first week of September found to be luckiest?- Well they're always out celebrating their birthdays when X Factor and Strictly start their new series".
COCKNEY MAN: " Crime rates highest round London Universities? Well, my boy's gotta pay off his Student Loan somehow!".