EXT.FIELD-DAY
A stretch of short grass outside some farm buildings, a soldier GARY (late teens, athletic, good looking) is digging a trench. LT RILEY (mid 20's, short, aloof) approaches the trench carrying his rifle, he stops and hunkers at the edge of the trench.
LT RILEY
Afternoon, Miller.
GARY
Sir!
LT RILEY
Trench nearly finished I see.
GARY
Nearly, Sir.
LT RILEY nods as he looks at the trench then clicks his tongue a few times.
LT RILEY
Okay, and a fine job you've done of it too but I need you to stop and fill it back in.
GARY stops and looks at LT RILEY with confusion.
GARY
Sir?
LT RILEY
I have it on good authority that Lima Troop will be carrying out a surprise attack on our camp tonight and this trench is in the wrong place.
GARY
Which way are they attacking from, Sir?
LT RILEY points out at the field and woods directly opposite the nearly finished trench.
LT RILEY
The enemy will most likely attack from that direction and of course since it is a surprise attack it would seem overly convenient for a fire trench to be directly on their line of approach.
GARY leans on his shovel.
GARY
So no trench, Sir?
LT RILEY
Oh no, we still need a trench, to show we're prepared for any unexpected surprise attacks that might happen.
GARY
Like a surprise, surprise attack, Sir?
LT RILEY
Exactly!
GARY climbs out of the trench and takes a drink of water from a bottle.
GARY
So, Sir, where would you like this new trench digging?
LT RILEY surveys the area around him and points at a nine foot wall near the farmhouse.
LT RILEY
About twenty feet back from that wall should do it.
GARY
Facing the wall, Sir?
LT RILEY
(contemplative)
Yes, yes I think so.
LT RILEY stands up looking pleased with himself as GARY prepares to fill in the trench he begins to walk away.
GARY
Sir?
LT RILEY
Yes, Miller?
GARY
What if they attack over the wall?
LT RILEY looks at the wall then laughs.
LT RILEY
Don't be stupid, Miller. Only a total imbecile would attack over that wall.
LT RILEY walks off smirking as GARY shakes his head in exasperation.
Across the field a heavily camouflaged soldier views the fire trench through his binoculars. He speaks quietly into a radio.
SOLDIER
Zero this is Echo-Two-One. Route Alpha is locked down, over.
ZERO
(over radio)
Roger, Echo-Two-One. How about Route Bravo? Over.
The soldier trains his binoculars on the nine foot wall.
SOLDIER
All clear, over.
ZERO
Roger that, extract to the rendez-vous point, out.
INT.MESS TENT-DAY
OLLY the chef (early thirties, bulky, miserable) is skulking over some pans of foul looking stew. MEL (mid twenties, short, tomboyish) is talking to him.
MEL
Come on, Olly. Don't hold out on me.
OLLY
Not now, Mel.
JONESY (mid twenties, stocky, shifty) enters the mess tent he is looking agitated as he approaches MEL.
JONESY
Mel....
MEL
Hang on! Olly, come on.
OLLY
Can't you see I'm busy?
MEL
Unless you plan on pouring the elixir of life itself into those pans then nothing you do will stop it tasting like reheated manure.
OLLY
Will you go away if I get it for you?
MEL holds up her right hand
MEL
Pinky promise.
OLLY shuffles to the back of the mess tent and sifts through a large green box
JONESY
What's he doing?
MEL
He's searching for the holy grail, Jonesy. The lost treasures of the Incas, the secrets of Atlantis and the golden fleece all stewed up inside a boilable silver packet of utter delight.
OLLY tosses a bulging foil pouch at MEL, she shows it to Jonesy with a flourish.
MEL
Behold, he most delicious of boil in the bag field rations.
JONESY
(reading the bag)
"Stew, chick and Mush" hang on a second?
JONESY tries to grab the bag from MEL who pulls it away and wags a finger.
MEL
Ah, ah, ah, I got first dibs.
JONESY
Mel, it's three years out of date!
MEL
That's just European health and safety crap, these babies are good for a hundred years. Now, if you'll excuse me this girl's got a date with a mess tin and a spork.
MEL goes to walk out of the tent but JONESY stops her.
JONESY
While I fully accept your right to kill yourself with food poisoning we have a bigger problem.
MEL
What?
JONESY leads MEL over to a corner of the tent and leans in closely, he speaks quietly.
JONESY
Gary just told me that Lima troop are hitting us with a surprise attack tonight.
MEL
So?
JONESY
So, if they get into the compound it's game over, we'll have to bug out and that might be a problem as I have a visitor tonight.
MEL
Ah, the lovely Kerry. She's coming out here? We're on exercise in the middle of nowhere, Jonesy.
JONESY
I know, but she really wants to see me. She thinks it'll be romantic.
MEL
Oh yeah! A nice romantic dinner by firefight.
JONESY
Exactly, that's why we have to stop it.
MEL
We? What makes this my problem?
JONESY points at single stripe on the rank slide on his chest.
JONESY
Because I am your Corporal...
MEL
Lance-Corporal.
JONESY
....Lance-Corporal..
MEL
Acting.
JONESY
...and you don't want to be moving all of this junk to the other side of the training area at three o'clock in the morning any more than I do.
MEL
Alright, what do you have in mind?
INT.HEADQUARTERS TENT - DAY
SGT THOMAS (early 30's, female, attractive) is sitting at a table working on a laptop computer, LT RILEY enters and takes off his weapon and helmet.
LT RILEY
All very thrilling stuff, eh Sergeant?
SGT THOMAS
What's that, Sir?
LT RILEY
The surprise attack. Obviously we're not supposed to know about it so I thought I'd play it canny. Moved around the defensive positions, revised the guard roster. Keep them guessing, eh?
LT RILEY shows SGT THOMAS a multi-coloured timetable of chaotic randomness.
SGT THOMAS
Very good, Sir.
SGT THOMAS does not look up from her work on the laptop, LT RILEY regards her for a moment.
lt riley
You seem to have been quite sparing with the camouflage cream, Sergeant Thomas.
SGT THOMAS opens up a small camouflage cream compact and inspects the mirror. She has a few slight daubs of brown and green on her face.
SGT THOMAS
I've got a sufficient amount on, Sir.
LT RILEY goes to speak as MR HOSKINS (early 50's, civillian, bawdy) enters the tent unannounced. SGT THOMAS is visibly repulsed at the sight of him.
MR HOSKINS
Sergeant! I thought it was your motley crew here again. You're looking as beautiful as ever.
SGT THOMAS
Actually sir, I think you've got a point about the cam cream.
SGT THOMAS starts smearing the cam cream on her face liberally.
LT RILEY
Ah, you must be Mister Hoskins. I'm Leuitenant Riley, Officer Commanding of Turtle Troop. Everything okay I take it?
MR HOSKINS and LT RILEY shake hands.
MR HOSKINS
Not exactly, that fellow of yours out there looks like he's trying to re-enact the bloody Somme. I hope you're going to put it all back?
LT RILEY
Well you know this is M.O.D. property, Mister Hoskins....
MR HOSKINS
Well the M.O. Bloody D doesn't have to keep pulling my wife's little ankle biter out of these oversized latrine pits every other week.
LT RILEY
I assure you, Sir...
JONESY pops his head through the flaps of the tent.
JONESY
Hope you don't mind, Sir. Just going to take a few of the lads out on a little light patrol.
LT RILEY
Oh, right, Good man, Corporal. But please be discreet after all tonight..
JONESY
Oh yes I know Sir. The surprise attack. Don't worry Sir, discretion is my creed.
LT RILEY
Very good.
JONESY pops his head back out of the tent.
MR HOSKINS
What bloody surprise attack?
OUTSIDE the tent a heavily armed JONESY gives the thumbs up to MEL who is greedily slurping the last of her boil in the bag meal down her throat. She is carrying two machine guns and is weighed down with bullets and grenades.
MEL
Let's rock!
EXT.FIELD-DUSK
GARY is finishing off the second trench as he digs LAURA (late teens, plump, pretty) stands at the edge of the trench and stares down at him.
LAURA
Are you a soldier?
GARY looks up at LAURA then looks down at his uniform and weapon before resuming digging.
GARY
What makes you think that?
LAURA
My daddy doesn't like soldiers. He says you're noisy and you keep going doodoo in his veg patch.
GARY
Doodoo?
LAURA looks around worriedly before leaning in closer.
LAURA
(quietly)
Pooing.
Gary
Riiiigghht!
GARY digs for a few moments longer in silence.
LAURA
Do you like my dress?
GARY regards the somewhat plain and possibly home-made dress.
GARY
I'm not really an expert in these things.
LAURA clenches her fists and speaks through gritted teeth
LAURA
Say you like the dress!
GARY
What the.....?
LAURA startles as she hears the noise of clinking ammunition. MEL, JONESY and OLLY approach the fire trench. LAURA hisses at GARY and runs away to the farm house.
JONESY
I see you've finally raised your standards, Miller.
GARY
Jesus, did you see that?
MEL
Sensible girl, I'd have blinded you.
GARY
Just tell me you're here to relieve me.
JONESY
No, Olly's here to relieve you, we're here to take you out on patrol.
GARY
Now? I'm starving!
JONESY
Then we'd better get a move on. Olly can't make you any food while he's covering your guard duty, can he?
GARY climbs out of the trench and retrieves his rifle. OLLY climbs into the trench and points his weapon towards the field. GARY points to the wall
GARY
No, Boss wants us to cover that way.
JONESY
Remember, Olly. It's only an exercise. You can shoot them but the rules of engagement do not allow you to feed them.
OLLY grunts as the patrol heads away from the trench. He waits a few moments then sits down in the trench and retrieves a lage sandwich from inside his jacket. As he begins munching it LAURA's feet appear at the edge of the trench.
LAURA
Do you like my dress?