Skit Comp 15 - 23.8.15

More hilarity agland so congratulations to SCRATCHYR for wanking it. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
5 - 10 - Scratchyr
1 - 5 - Gappy

Your new subject: LOVE.

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 23.8.15

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
5 - 10 - Scratchyr
1 - 5 - Gappy

INT.VILLA-DAY

The bedroom of a plushly decorated villa in a sleepy Greek village. VICTORIA (late teens, english, student) stretches out on an enormous bed adorned with silk sheets. Chocolates, strawberries, champagne and hastily discarded clothes litter the room. She is utterly at peace with the world. DIMITRI (Mid 20's, Greek, athletic, ridiculously handsome) enters carrying a tray with breakfast.

DIMITRI
I hope you are hungry, My sexy English Goddess.

VICTORIA

Only for you.

VICTORIA sits up as DIMITRI feeds her slowly, he taunts her with the food and she giggles.

VICTORIA

Dimitri?

DIMITRI

Hmm?

VICTORIA

Do you love me?

DIMITRI

Victoria, you are like the rising sun, so beautiful, so full of promise. When I see you anything is possible.

VICTORIA

But the sun sets

DIMITRI

True, the sun goes down, but you also have this quality.

VICTORIA punches DIMITRI playfully

VICTORIA

But you do love me?

DIMITRI

You make my heart race, my head light and dizzy. When you are around I cannot think of anything else but taking you in my arms and holding you forever.

DIMITRI moves in towards VICTORIA but she pushes him away.

VICTORIA
(businesslike)

Yes, yes all very nice. But the love thing?

DIMITRI

Your voice is like a thousand morning birds singing my name. I could close my eyes and drift up into the heavens to feel the kiss of an angel upon my.....

VICTORIA

You can't say it, can you?

DIMITRI

Victoria, I have expressed my feelings for you in the most poetic and beautiful ways.

VICTORIA

But you haven't said the word.

DIMITRI

Why must I say that which you know to be true, I speak from my heart, the spirits of my ancestors, philosophers, musicians, writers flow through......
VICTORIA sits up and holds up her hand. DIMITRI stops and he looks
embarrassed

VICTORIA

One word, four letters.

DIMITRI sits in sullen silence for a moment.

DIMITRI

Very well. I...love you.

There is a period of dead silence. DIMITRI's expression slowly turns from embarassment to amazed joy. VICTORIA maintains her steely gaze for a few moments then her face slowly crumples into anguish and she begins crying. DIMITRI leans in and holds her face in his hands.

DIMITRI

Victoria, my Darling, I truly love you. I have never felt this way about a woman before.

VICTORIA pushes DIMITRI away.

VICTORIA

How could you? You've ruined everything

VICTORIA jumps off the bed and gets dressed in a hurry.

DIMITRI

My love, what do you mean?

VICTORIA

This was only ever supposed to be a holiday romance, how could you let this happen?

DIMITRI

Me?

VICTORIA hastily throws her belongings into a rolling suitcase.

VICTORIA

You know? My Father warned me about Men like you, but there you were with your kindness and your fancy house and your chiselled torso.

DIMITRI

Victoria please, we need to talk about this.

VICTORIA puts on her shoes and heads for the door.

VICTORIA

Oh I think you've said enough for both of us.

VICTORIA heads out of the room and slams the door. DIMITRI rushes to the balcony.

EXT. STREET - DAY

VICTORIA exits the house and begins strutting down the street. DIMITRI kneels on the balcony above holding single red rose up to the sky.

DIMITRI

My Darling, come back and I promise to treat you like a Queen for the rest of our lives. Please, be my Wife.

VICTORIA strides down the street unchecked.

VICTORIA
(Shouting over her shoulder)
Get a number.

DJ: [Mid-Atlantic local radio voice] Aaand we've got a caller on line 1; you're through to Antonius the Tunemeister, my friend, what's your name?

THOMAS: Thomas

DJ: And where are you calling from, Thomas, old mate?

THOMAS: [Angry] Never mind all that claptrap. I've been listening to your hideous show for the past hour after stumbling across it -

DJ: First time caller, then? Welcome aboard

[Horrific jingle of the opening to Blue Peter on a sailor's pipe, sped up, followed by a comedy squelch noise]

THOMAS: Shut up. I've been listening to your comments about cancelling this year's Pink Love march, and I think you're nothing but a homophobe.

DJ: No, not me. Thanks for calling though: stay on the line and we'll sort you out a wacky goody bag.

THOMAS: I do, I think you are a homophobe.

DJ: Nuh-huh. I'm not scared of men.

THOMAS: That's not what homophobe means.

DJ: Course it does. Homo- meaning man, and -phobe meaning scared of...and this is Antonius the Tunemeister meaning back to back hits and barmy banter.

THOMAS: Meaning universal love-hating homophobe, more like!

DJ: Nuh-huh. Someone who is scared of gay people would be a homosexualphobe, you catch my drift there, Tom? And I'm not one of them, either.

THOMAS: You so are. You're a bigot a...bloody big bigot.

DJ: I can quite understand that you think I'm a bigot. I can quite understand that you're angry about this. I understand a lot about where you and the other gays are coming from, Tommy - except the stuff with the bottoms you do, of course, that's just hideous - but the fact remains that I don't get frightened by gaybos.

THOMAS: You do!

DJ: I don't. Posit this, listeners: Were the Nazis frightened of the Jews? Were they, Tom? D'you reckon old Himmler had to jump on a chair whenever he saw a menorah?

THOMAS: No, but they *were* scared. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to-

DJ: That's from Star Wars. Listen up, Tommy, because we've got the T-t-t-riple Tracker Competition coming up soon, sponsored by Barnard's of Bekesbourne, your best choice for used Rernaults: phobias are irrational, whereas my disgust with bumboys has been carefully considered. I wish there weren't any gays, because you're all yucky - I've worked that viewpoint out after quite some calm cogitation. Now, by contrast, I have a phobia of heights, but I didn't think that reaction through, and I don't want heights to be removed - follow me?

THOMAS: No! Well, yes, but that's not...you're not being...

DJ: I just hate gays, I'm afraid.

THOMAS: Ah! You're afraid?

DJ: Oh, no. No dice, Bum Tom, you're just clutching at straws there; big gay old filthy straws. I'm not scared of homosexuals. You lose. Goodbye.

THOMAS: No, wait, don't hang up! I have something very important you must hear.

DJ: What is it, Tom?

THOMAS: [Pause] BOO!!

DJ: [Screams. Growls angrily] And now, here's The Lighthouse Family.

WELL I'M BLOWED

(tune: 'If You Don't Know Me By Now', Simply Red www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTcu7MCtuTs )

If you won't blow me by now
You will never never never blow me

All the jizz
That I've seen goo
You should wanna shag me
Like I wanna shag you
So girl please blow my gizzard
Make so bright my dong
You ain't gonna blow my thing
And shake up my fat love bone
I get so excited
When I come loads
A little spooge at night
Cos I still wank, my tip's wet
When you won't clean out my pipe

If you won't blow me by now
You will never never never blow me

I'm all knots
In my fluid ooze
Sixty nine?
Why won't you have a chew?
Just much on me like I'd munch on you
My shlong is as hard as leather
It should be so easy to splooge
Just give me head, whatever
Or I might as well bash my pear
What good is a love affair
When you can't deep throat a guy?

If you won't blow me by now
You will never
Never never blow me

INT. PUB. DAY

A MAN and CUPID are sitting at a table having a beer. CUPID is a bit drunk.
The MAN is catching the eye of a woman sitting at another table. They smile flirtatiously at each other

CUPID:
I think she likes you, go and say hello.

MAN:
No way, I always mess it up.

CUPID:
Just be yourself.

MAN:
Can you go and talk to her for me?

CUPID:
Why does everyone get me to do it?

The MAN looks at him incredulously.

CUPID: (CONT)
Okay okay.

CUPID downs the rest of his pint, picks up his bow and arrow and walks towards the woman.
The MAN tries to look nonchalant drinking his beer. CUPID returns. He is splattered with flecks of blood.

CUPID: (CONT)
Erm.

END.

GIRL1: Look, you've been going out with him for nearly a year now...

GIRL2 : He loves me ... He loves me not ... He loves me...

GIRL 1 : If I 'd known you were this unsure about him, I'ld never have given you this job at my Florists!

INT. DAYTIME. SCHOOL CLASSROOM. KIDS ARE BEING LOUD AND MUCKING AROUND.
CASTING NOTE: KIDS PLAYED BY ADULTS

TEACHER:
Okay, okay settle down. SHOUTS Settle down I said! KIDS GO QUIET. That's better, right today kids we're going to learn about Love. What is Love? Yes Harry.

HARRY:
Love sir is when you've got all your favourite toys around you.

TEACHER:
Yes, yes. We can love inanimate objects. (Resigned) God knows my wife certainly does.

MICHAEL:
Your wife plays with toys sir? Are you married to a kid? Pedo, Pedo (kids start to join in)

TEACHER:
Thank you Michael, that's enough of that. My wife is a fully-grown woman thank you very much.

MICHAEL:
Yeah, she's so fully grown she's got her own post code sir. EVERYONE LAUGHS

TEACHER:
Okay, okay. Very funny Michael, you should try stand up. (Michael stands up). Sit down.

MICHAEL:
But you said stand up

TEACHER:
I meant...look it doesn't matter just sit down and let's get back to the subject. Anyone else have any thoughts?

HARRY:
Yeah, love's gay sir (More laughter from the kids).

TEACHER:
is it now?

HARRY:
Yeah, I overheard my Mum and Dad talking last night and Dad was asking Mum if he could ride her ass or something and Mum said that he must be gay to want to do that and my mum and Dad love each other so love must be Gay. Plus I never knew we even had a donkey

TEACHER:
Well I don't think that's quite what she meant

MICHAEL:
What did she mean then sir?

TEACHER:
Well when a man and woman love each other they...erm, might want to try and experiment

MICHAEL:
What, with animals?

TEACHER:
No,no, no not with animals

SALLY:
With chemicals, like in science?

TEACHER:
Well, sometimes chemicals can be involved, what I mean is when you love someone you want to explore them as much as possible and sometimes... a ride on a donkey can be thrilling.

SALLY:
I had a donkey ride at the pier in Brighton a couple of summers ago. It really hurt, those Donkey hairs really rubbed.

TEACHER:
Thank you Sally. Ahem. Now, gay love. I mean Love. just love, where does it come from?

MICHAEL:
Sir said gay love, haha. Are you a gay Pedo? (Michael leads the class in chanting "Gay pedo, Gay pedo" Whatever the teacher does he cannot stop this behaviour, he finally slumps down in his chair defeated).

Has to be Darren for me, nice elegant gag - if anything, I think the 1st line could be lost, make it even trimmer. Good joke, any road.

Darren for me too

Yup, Darren. All fun though.

Scratchy - Could really visualise Cupid as this over sized drunk cherub causing havoc with his bow and arrow.

Quote: scratchyr @ 17th August 2015, 9:55 PM BST

INT. PUB. DAY

A MAN and CUPID are sitting at a table having a beer. CUPID is a bit drunk.
The MAN is catching the eye of a woman sitting at another table. They smile flirtatiously at each other

CUPID:
I think she likes you, go and say hello.

MAN:
No way, I always mess it up.

CUPID:
Just be yourself.

MAN:
Can you go and talk to her for me?

CUPID:
Why does everyone get me to do it?

The MAN looks at him incredulously.

CUPID: (CONT)
Okay okay.

CUPID downs the rest of his pint, picks up his bow and arrow and walks towards the woman.
The MAN tries to look nonchalant drinking his beer. CUPID returns. He is splattered with flecks of blood.

CUPID: (CONT)
Erm.

END.

View original

This is funny and surreal, although I'd like to change CUPID's last line to:

CUPID: She's all yours.

Quote: Rood Eye @ 24th August 2015, 3:24 PM BST

This is funny and surreal, although I'd like to change CUPID's last line to:

CUPID: She's all yours.

View original

Great change, that would make the skit.

All nonchalant, wiping the blood from his face, sits back down to his pint. Perplexed reaction from the guy.

Yeah, I'll give you that one, Rood. Good out. Nice one.

Obviously a lot of work went into this weeks offerings. Most sketches started off really well but somehow didn't quite finish as strongly.

I go for Darren's nice joke and agree with Gappy's cut.