Short Sketch

A Newsagents. A man/wman enters and walks to the till, where a shop assistant stands, beaming.

MAN/WOMAN: Twenty Lambert and Butlers, please.

ASSISTANT: Certainly Sir/Madam, just hang on a sec.

The assistant bangs thrice on the wall, and a huge, burly man enters, glaring at the man/woman.

MUSCLES: YOU'RE GOING TO DIE, DO YOU HEAR ME? YOU WILL DIE, YOU WILL DIE AND WE WILL LAUGH OVER YOUR GRAVE AS YOUR RELATIVES WEEP. YOU WILL ENDURE AGONISING PAIN AND THEN FINALLY DIE, TO MASS REJOICING. YOU WILL DIE!

Muscles nods to the shop assistant and exits.

ASSISTANT: That'll be four seventy-five, please.

MAN/WOMAN: Maybe just ten.

I love short sketches that get to the point quickly. This one works for me!

I'm going to be incredibly brave and stupid by saying 'I don't get it'

I believe the Government are making the health warnings more severe.

Oh, maybe you should explain that in the sketch as people may not get it, actually to be fair (to my brain) I think alot of people won't get it if you don't make a reference to smoking e.g. you'll die of lung cancer instead of just saying you will die

A Newsagents. A man/wman enters and walks to the till, where a shop assistant stands, beaming.

MAN/WOMAN: Twenty Lambert and Butlers, please.

ASSISTANT: Certainly Sir/Madam, just hang on a sec.

The assistant bangs thrice on the wall, and a huge, burly man enters, glaring at the man/woman.

MUSCLES: YOU'RE GOING TO DIE, DO YOU HEAR ME? YOUR LUNGS WILL BE CLOGGED WITH TAR AND YOU WILL ENDURE A FOUL CHOKE TO DEATH. AGONISING PAIN AND AN EVENTUAL DEATH AWAITS YOU. WE WILL ALL LAUGH OVER YOUR GRAVE AS YOUR LOVED ONES WEEP.

Muscles nods to the shop assistant and exits.

ASSISTANT: That'll be four seventy-five, please.

MAN/WOMAN: Maybe just ten.

YES!! That's brilliant! Can I please hire muscles for some of my friends!

You may - he's like Ross Kemp with a bicycle pump up his rectum.

Ooooh....i can have him after he's done his job then!!?

He'll be right over.

Haha!

A good idea cinnamon, the only thing that I think is that I can't see why the shop assistant would be smiling and want to call Muscles as it means she isn't going to sell so many fags. Just a suggestion but what if the shop assistant is a bit old and deaf and that whenever someone comes in the shop Muscles (maybe the old dear's son or something) appears behind her and comes out with his speech)unbeknownest to the old lady. It would be quite funny if the old dear wonders why she never seems able to sell packs of 20?

There could then be another sketch where someone comes in for a ginsters pastie and then muscles could come in with the old 'saturated fat, heart disease, you will die, cancer from all the additives etc etc.'

then the old dear could say "we can't seem to shift the f**king pasties either".

Of course not sure why muscles would be so evil to his poor old mom!.

Thanks, a very fair point. I suppose the assistant, young or old, would probably remain bored and disinterested for the sketch.

Oh f**k! How stupid are some people.

Look Dale - it's a joke! It doesn't have to be real - and Adam - you should be ashamed of yourself!

Very funny - needed no rewrite or explanation.

Are you putting man/woman because you can't decide?

It's a bit distracting!