Skit Comp 23 - 31.7.15

More hilarity anookie so congratulations to CRAIG H for winning. PM me with a subject for next wank please.
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name
4 - 10 - Craig H
3 - 5 - Gappy
1 - 1 - me
Speckled mention: Darren, Stylee

Your new subject: FIRE (chosen by PLAYFULL).

Rules:
One entry/vote per person. Anyone can enter regardless of colour, sexual preferences or inside leg measurement, except mongeese.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything else as long as it's yours and vaguely linked to the topic. Please try to only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 31.7.15

Overall Leader Board is now:
Position - Points - Name
1 - 30 - Darren
2 - 25 - Gappy
3 - 16 - Playfull, me
4 - 10 - Funny Ha Ha, Tiggy, Craig H
5 - 5 - Stylee Ting Ting
6 - 1 - Bushbaby

A daytime TV mash-up of the usual house selling stuff and "World at War" - ""Homes Under the Himler" .

PRESENTER: - So, let's go back, 6 years later, to see how Bertie and Elizabeth have got on with their big redevelopment.. Well, there's been a lot of work done since we were first here in 1939, a real blitz. I don't think they've done it themselves, being busy with their 'jobs' as 'King and Queen' they've been shaking hands, waving and pretending to be interested. They must have got someone in.
The location and transport links couldn't have been any better- it being at the centre of the largest Empire the World has ever known. But, if you remember, there was that unusual layout upstairs- 700 000 bedrooms, but only 3 indoor toilets. Though downstairs benefitted from its own mint, famous waxworks museum and Household Cavalry, there had been very little modernisation done in recent years, had there Bertie?...

BERTIE: N..n..not since...a ..ab..ab...

MR LOGUE (an Australian Gentleman) : Stick with it Bertie, mate...

BERTIE: Sinse a buggery bollocks, about 1666.

PRESENTER: There feels like there's a lot more space- its been knocked through?

BERTIE: Yes, a..ab..about...f..f..

MR LOGUE: Steady Bertie...

BERTIE: About f..f**ketty f**k, forty thousand houses, churches, hospitals, schools have gone.

PRESENTER: And there's a lovely sense of "flow"- helped by having the river Thames running through the property. The new "open plan" creating easy access to the lovely garden.

BERTIE: Yes, the c...c...

MR LOGUE: Steady Bertie...

BERTIE: The c..c..county of Kent. The garden of England.

PRESENTER: I'm surprised you used the same firm that started the job in 1914.

ELIZABETH: Well, when they first had a go we did hope it would be all over by Christmas? Then they said they had a big job on over in Poland . But they promised once it was up it would last...ooh , a thousand years, wasn't it?

PRESENTER: So you got these Eastern Europeans in ...?

ELIZABETH: Well, Central Europeans really, but everything is relative I suppose.

BERTIE: T..t..turns out they were our relatives actually.

ELIZABETH: They started coming over here, at all hours, It all had to come down apparently!

PRESENTER: Bish bash bosh?

BERTIE: Us? B...b...Bosch? No, n..nein.

ELIZABETH:Then we found out it was infested!

PRESENTER: Dry rot?

ELIZABETH: No, doodlebugs...
It got so we couldn't look our neighbours ( well, I say neighbours... Subjects, really) -in the East End in the face... Especially when they tended to be bowing before us all the time? - Or still engaged in hand to hand combat with the Japanese in the jungles of Burma.

BERTIE: Or d..dead.

ELIZABETH: I do hope that funny little man...

BERTIE: Attlee...

ELIZABETH: Gets moving with our rebuilding... Some of the piles of rubble are still this high!

PRESENTER: How high?

ELIZABETH: Seig Heil.

BERTIE: D..d..don't point like that Dear, with that hand gesture! Ooh little Elizabeth is copying you now! Those "Newsreel Johnies " will be filming you before you know it... Never know who might get to see it in 70 years!

PRESENTER: So, do you want to know how much your Property might be worth at auction now?

ELIZABETH: Oh no, we'll be keeping it thank you.. Would you fancy some sandwiches ? - I'm afraid it's only swan again.

PRESENTER: Oh thank you. -Now let's pop back to first Century Rome to see how Nero is getting on with his big project, or is he still pre-occupied with his music?...

INTERVIEW STUDIO. (ARTSY SHOW)

INTERVIEWER:
...And where did the idea for the book start?

OLIVER:
It all came together one cold and frosty night as I was sitting under the fire. It was-

INTERVIEWER:
I'm sorry, "under the fire"? Don't you mean in front of the fire?

OLIVER:
Yes, I don't mean that at all. I mean under the fire.

INTERVIEWER:
That begs the question why did you 'sit', as you call it under the fire?

OLIVER:
Well it was warm. We're talking the early years of one of the decades and it was freezing, frigid weather. I'd burrowed a kind of latrine underneath the grate and it was that that got me thinking-

INTERVIEWER:
And when did the Cornelius epiphany come to you?

OLIVER:
It was that that got me thinking about all the Corneliai that I'd come into contact with. Two immediately stood out. As my hair began to singe I came to the conclusion that all Corneliai were hotheads.

INTERVIEWER:
Short tempered.

OLIVER:
No, roasting heads. I was in the scouts with a chap called Cornelius Balfour. We were about to set up camp when all the fire lighting equipment fell into a river but we still managed to set a blazing fire by using his head as a match. A few years lat-

INTERVIEWER:
How in the name of-

OLIVER:
Let me continue my outlandish story. A few years later one of the wars broke out. I was drafted in and I found myself in the same company as a Cornelius Carmody. Corny was a lovely chap. He came in one day with his head shaved. The whole thing completely shorn. His eyebrows, eyelashes, even his ears; as was the fashion at the time.

We found a map on his head. This map lead directly to the enemies headquarters. On the darkest of nights his head was used as a torch and when we were in grave danger we could fire him into the sky and use him as a flare. He was a true hero and you felt safe just knowing he was there.

Back at our barracks a couple of days later he comes running up to me with his head in flames. He was in a blind panic, I couldn't make sense of a word he was saying. I must have asked him sixty seven times what was wrong with him but not one proper answer did I get. About ten minutes later he dropped in a heap right in front of me.

INTERVIEWER:
Did you ever find out?

OLIVER:
Find out what?

INTERVIEWER:
What happened to him.

OLIVER:
If I were to guess I'd say mumps. There's not a day that goes by when I think about them that I don't think about them. I crawl under my fire and I shed two single tears. One for each Cornelius and wait for the searing heat of the fire to burn them off my face. I feel it's what they would have wanted.

INTERVIEWER:
The book 'Cornelius and I and Cornelius and I' is now available in all good booksh- no all...some good...poor booksh...pawnshops now.

SALESMAN: I think you've come to the right place, madam, step this way, if you please. How about this little number? Five door estate, bags of room in the back, one careful owner, full MOT, stylish metallic paint job. What do you think?

CUSTOMER: No, I don't think that's for me.

SALESMAN: Oh, yes, I see, smart businesswoman like yourself, you're looking for a little city runaround.

CUSTOMER: Maybe. And also, it's on fire.

SALESMAN: This one? The Volvo?

CUSTOMER: Yes.

SALESMAN: Yeah, s'pose it is, really.

CUSTOMER: Yes. And so was the last car you showed me. Tell me, are all your cars on fire?

SALESMAN: Errrrrm...not sure. Never really thought about it. Oh, I know what you want! Look at this, lovely little Smart car, cheeky, girly, Monster Munch decals on the bonnet.

CUSTOMER: It's on fire.

SALESMAN: Or this charming little Bugatti, classic lines.

CUSTOMER: Ablaze.

SALESMAN: This Rover was used in Bergerac twice.

CUSTOMER: Flaming, not interested.

SALESMAN: This one here transforms into a robot!

CUSTOMER: I don't care! I definitely do not want a car that is incandescent, do you understand? Do you have any cars on this lot that are not currently being tickled by Vulcan's firy fingertips?

SALESMAN: Yes. There's one in that garage over there. M reg Beemer, leather seats, taxed for a year, twelve nine nine.

CUSTOMER: Now that sounds more like it.

SALESMAN: If you'd care to walk this way, madam.

CUSTOMER: I thought you said it was in the garage.

SALESMAN: Yes, but we'd best go in the office first. Oh, unless you brought your own snorkel.

The US Constitution guarantees life, liberty and the pursuit of innocent Red Indians.

In a dusty corner of a French Foreign Legion fort a small party of men is gathered.

OFFICER: Fire!

MULTIPLE RIFLE SHOTS RING OUT

OFFICER: Really? All of you missed him?

1st SOLDIER: He moved.

PRISONER: No I didn't. I'm tied to a stake.

OFFICER: Come on now, let's have another go. All try and aim really hard. Ready, aim, fire!

MULTIPLE SHOTS RING OUT AGAIN

PRISONER: Arghhhh...you got me that time.

OFFICER: Seriously? Six of you from 10 foot and no one hit him?

PRISONER: I'm done for. I can see a light at the end of a tunnel, 'Is that you mother?'

OFFICER: Look one of you has to shoot him otherwise we are all in trouble.

1ST SOLDIER: But it's Henri we all like Henri.

2nd SOLDIER: He makes us laugh.

ALL THE SOLDIERS MURMER IN AGREEMENT

OFFICER: Well the camp commandant wasn't laughing when he caught Henri amusing his wife!

1st SOLDIER: He was certainly 'amusing' her very hard, judging by all the moaning and squealing.

PRISONER: And when I had finished 'amusing' her hard I turned her over and 'amused' her all over again like an Arab with a camel!

ALL THE SOLDIERS LAUGH AND MURMER AGREEMENT

OFFICER: I thought you were dying?

PRISONER: 'I'm coming mother, I'm coming toward the light...Don't bother to bury me, just leave me over there by the gate...

OFFICER: Men, if we don't shoot him the commandant with have us shot, look he's watching us. Now pull yourselves together and aim at the target over his heart.

2nd SOLDIER: But what about Saturday nights? What will we do without Henri's lantern shadow show?

1St SOLDIER: His last turkey in the shop shadow is so funny.

OFFICER: Ready, aim...properly and fire!

RIFLE SHOTS RING OUT AGAIN

PRISONER: Owwww

OFFICER: Congratulations, one of you winged him.

1st SOLDIER: I'm sorry Henri!

PRISONER: It's ok, It's mainly shirt, you just grazed my arm.

1st SOLDIER: Thank god.

2nd SOLDIER: Sir if the prisoner is still alive after the firing squad isn't it the job of the Officer to finish him off with his pistol?

OFFICER: What?

ALL SOLDIERS MURMER in AGREEMENT

OFFICER: Ok there is only one way to finish this.

A SINGLE SHOT RINGS OUT

1st SOLDIER: Sir, you shot the Commandant! But why?

OFFICER: Because the commandants wife is not the only one who finds Henri amusing...

Otterfocks.

Really torn between Otterfox's baroque madness and Playfull's elegant vignette. Going to go for Otter, but they're both as good as one another, it's just my mood today, really.

I liked Playfulls too but Gappys quirky cars on fire with the underwater twist pips it.

Some very good stuff - really is a coin toss - but going for Darren for sheer effort.

With just a little polishing, Playfull's sketch would be top class and worthy of inclusion in any of the great sketch shows of the past.

My only serious criticism is that the punchline is worded wrongly. It will make many an audience-member think "Well, if the COMMANDANT's wife is not the only one, who ELSE's wife should we be looking at?" and that is not the line's intended meaning.

All in all though its a really nice sketch of the traditional genre.

Definitely Playfull