Well good evening ladies and gents it's nice to be here, for a starters it keeps me away from the fridge for the night.
I am trying to lose weight though, I got some of those slim fast Milkshake things, I lasted 2 days, and I picked the wrong week to start a diet when Tesco had an offer on for Holland's pies at 50p.
No in all seriousness I knew my weight was starting to be a problem when I kept getting moved on in George at Asda if I stopped my trolley near the Slim Fit Clothes.
But I have to shop there as I've run out of XX's in Primark... so the next shop im going to is the tent section at Go-Outdoors.
It doesn't help that I've just come back from an All Inclusive Holiday in Majorca, for a fat guy like me it's like you've died and gone to Heaven. No in all seriousness you can't beat a good Holiday Abroad it just got a bit embarrassing when they weighed me rather than my suitcase.
I went with my sister and my nephew, he's only four so he was in and out of the pool all the time. He's uncle key mad so I spent most of my time in the shallow end of the pool like I was filming a remake of Free Willy.
He had one of them water Guns that all kids have. There the new form of babysitter for all inclusive in Majorca this year, buy your kids one of these and you can sit all day by the bar and leave your little brats to run amok an squirt the fat guy that can't move out the way in one of the resorts 4 pools.
Nowadays Parents treat the pool like a crèche, drop the kids off at 6am with the towels to grab the sunbeds while they nurse the hangover from the night before and collect the kids when the bar shuts by the pool at 6pm.
My nephew got his water squirt gun got pinched one day while we were around the pool , while his mum went to buy a new one, I became Columbo going on the search for it, found the culprit and redeemed the said gun. Marching back chest puffed out, you can imagine it ladies like a stream lined David Hasslehoff but turning stomachs not heads proudly displayed the retrieved water gun.
I attempted to re-enter the shallow pool putting my left leg in first only to find my knee to give in and creating a new wave pool in the shallow end, one poor girl ended up in Ibiza!
When I got back I went for a check-up at the docs, and of course I got the usual your overweight not good at your age, But I'm still younger than my waist size ( Just !) and just under tall for the weight I carry.
But then because I'm nearly 40, in age not weight, I had to have tests for Cholesterol and Diabetes, well that made my Dads day that, he's had diabetes for 4 yrs.' My sister got diagnosed with it a few months ago and he's been willing me to have it for years.
You can't have more than 1 drink of pop in their house without your diabetic you let me measure your blood sugar ! No dad I am just thirsty???, so one day I caved in he has this thing to measure blood sugar, so I surrendered own of my fingers, well more like dad took it hostage. This needle popped out took a sample of blood, then nothing happened his machine went blank.
Silence fell over the House as Dad looked down in disbelief like Luke Skywalker looking towards R2D2 then being let down because his lightsaber hadn't popped out to save him from Jabba the Hutt ... give me another finger he shouted... what I replied? Another finger there mustn't be enough blood suddenly dad had turned into Dracula's bitch!
This went on until he taken blood from each finger , all his machine was doing was omitting one beep nothing on the screen... suddenly my dad's medical knowledge came to the floor. A past life as a first aider... you must be diabetic that's why its bleeping your off the scale... suddenly Dad was measuring Blood Sugar like they measured midiclorians in Starwars... yes you've guessed it folks I was indeed a Jedi !!!
Sadly no all that had happened was that the batteries in dad's machine had run out, I was left cursing the fact I was not to be trained as a Jedi and left with holes in each finger, ready to pass out through lack of blood to circulate.
In fact he was that pleased when I was sent for testing by the doc, I got a bigger congratulations than when I announced I was to be a dad for the first time????
Just lately though I've realised im slowly turning into my Dad, We didn't do foreign holidays when I was a kid, we got took to Butlins every year. Has anyone ever been to Butlins? At least by going I know what national service felt like! Butlins sells its self on the fact that once you're in everything is free. That suited my Dad.
My Dads ace he's like a real life Jim Royle. I used to joke that if he was born in roman times his name would have been tight-us cramp-us.
Now the thing about my dad is he could turn his hand to anything, he had no specific training for, if something broke rather pay for someone to fix it he would do himself.
Did anybody else's dad use a tea knife as a screwdriver? This tool of the gods was used every time an appliance broke in our house. No matter what he 'fixed' there was always some pieces or screws etc. left over.
In my mums kitchen to this day is the messy draw, next to the cutlery housing various bits and pieces 'just in case' there needed.
My Dad loved the Whoopsie aisle in Supermarkets, he actually became a trained Bargain Sniper at Tesco near him, timing it just right to buy a loaf at a reduced price. I lost count of how many times he would come back playing his role to the hills of Hunter-Gatherer for the family... look at this Tiger loaf only 5p.. yeh but dad we don't eat tiger loaf, in fact I don't even know what one is... plus look its rock hard I could throw it at the wall and it would bounce back its that stale.
There's no such thing as stale bread your just once step closer to toast!
That's just the tip of the iceberg, did anyone else have Sunday night as bath night? This weekly ritual involved dad running the bath testing the water temp with his asbestos arm and telling you it was ok to enter then you spend the next 5 mins doing the getting into the bath dance and making the kinds of noises that guarantee we evolved from apes.
I'm sure my dad's the reason I went bald so young, we never had a shower when I was younger so to wash our hair dad used pans from the kitchen again filled with boiling scalding hot water, all so he could get to the pub for 9pm.
The best example of my dad making things do was one Sunday when we ran out of Matey bubble bath, and he improvised by using fairy liquid which gave the bubbles but also made us loose are eyesight for a few mins because of the washing up liquid, I was just waiting for him to throw in the dishes as he had two jobs on a Sunday wash the tea dishes and bath the kids!
My Parents are great though I wouldn't be here without em literally Mums always a good source for entertainment, I went round theirs last night to find my mum sat telling her mate ... yeh Eric's been to the Blind Place today, but there was no one to see him???..followed by ant it been nice today.. I got my loungers out!
At the minute she obsessed with doing her garden up, she's got everything from a Lighthouse, to fairy's letterbox , all solar powered that come alive at night she always flashing to the neighbours!
Feedback is appreciated
