This is mine and Dannyjb1's very very very first attempt at writing a piece for radio. It really is the roughest of rough drafts and many more shall follow after much tea drinking, arguing, crying, and arrests. We did this one by writing a couple of pages, then the other did, then it went back and forth, then we had fish fingers. Your feedback really would be of great help as this is more kinky than a goat in stocking. This is only part one as we don't want to do the second part yet without knowing where the first went wrong (something to do with drugs and a broken home I expect).
Bernie and Snowdrop – Pilot part one
By Danny Banks and Ruby Mae James.
GRAMS Dramatic music plays during intro.
ANNOUNCER
When the world is in danger….. When chaos takes hold…… When death and destruction are unleashed amongst the masses……… Two heroes emerge to save humanity and rid the world of evil!
FX: Sound of a phone ringing. Answer phone message;
ANSWER PHONE
Welcome. You have reached the Bat cave. To make this service easier, please choose from the following options. If you are experience problems with a super villain holding important diplomats to ransom with a giant laser, press one. If your city is about to be blown up and you have the necessary insurance forms to cover such costs, press two. To ask if that really is Adam West appearing on Family Guy, press three. To find out how long it will take to defrost a chicken press……
FX:….Beep…..
ANSWER PHONE
….You have dialled two. You are being held in a queue, please hold. Your call is very important to us………
GRAMS: Cilla Black starts to play.
ANNOUNCER
When all else fails! When there is no hope! When you are more desperate than a Spice girl opening a new pizza hut! When you are so close to the edge, the only thing to look forward to is the thrill of giving the light socket a tongue sandwich while dressed in a bin liner and a pink tutu with Fern Britton on the TV during your last moments on earth…When you have gone way beyond scraping the bottom of the barrel, call on B&S detective agency. Phone now!
BERNIE
So………………..That was the ad was it?
SNOWDROP
I told you £4.67 wasn’t enough for a decent radio plug.
BERNIE
YOU WROTE IT!
SNOWDROP
So? I think it was a damn good attempt considering.
BERNIE
Considering what exactly? The fact that you have just made us look like a proper pair of charlies to the world or the fact you spent my entire earnings from Carry on Loving on it and you hadn’t even bothered to stick on our phone number at the end?
SNOWDROP
Considering I’m a cat.
BERNIE
And that makes it alright does it? That makes it a top notch piece of writing does it?
SNOWDROP
It does when you’ve not got any thumbs.
BERNIE
You've got thumbs, I've seen the Tupperware container in the back of the fridge.
SNOWDROP
I mean my OWN thumbs.
BERNIE
How much exactly does that leave us with after the advert?
SNOWDROP
We are quiet rich actually...
BERNIE
I'm talking in monetary terms, not in the fact we have out health or each other kind kind of sense..
SNOWDROP
In that case we are skint. In fact, we are so far beyond skint, we've lapped it twice.
BERNIE
So we kind of need to find work. Well you may have forgotten our phone number on the ad, but at least you mentioned the name of the business so they can look us up in the Yellow Pages.
SNOWDROP
Ah...
BERNIE
You did put the ad in the Yellow Pages?
SNOWDROP
No but I got these..
BERNIE
Not more magic beans. (BEAT) Catnip?
SNOWDROP
But not any Normal catnip… …looks there Face, Murdock.. and look here Hannibal.
BERNIE
Right celebrity catnip, great. So our only hope is that a case flies in through the window..
SNOWDROP
Pretty much, but look how I can make BA dance.
FX: THUNK
BERNIE
What was that?
SNOWDROP
I think it was something flying through the window, possibly a case.
BERNIE
Oh the irony..
FX: LICK
SNOWDROP
That's not iron that's Zinc, I know that taste anywhere. It's a sparrow.
BERNIE
………….and it's been Galvanised.
SNOWDROP
What now?
BERNIE
Something to do with metal.
SNOWDROP
That “learn a new word everyday” toilet paper is working out then.
BERNIE
Best gift Joan Sims ever gave me, bless her.
SNOWDROP
Hang on. I recognize that sparrow (BEAT) What? Don’t look at me like that, I’m a cat. I have a vested interest in keeping tabs on the local birdlife
BERNIE
Yes, don’t I know it. We’ve got some here, well bits of them.
SNOWDROP
Well you got that trophy cabinet so I brought you a few trophies.
BERNIE
I was thinking of using it more for my 25m swimming certificate and stuff.
SNOWDROP
You bought that off ebay.
BERNIE
Yes but “I” bought it, with my money so it's MINE.
SNOWDROP
Anyway we need to find out who did this to poor Barry.
BERNIE
Two questions… Number 1…. Barry?
SNOWDROP
The Sparrow.
BERNIE
You know him by name?
SNOWDROP
I keep a file on all my potential victims, you know so I study their weakness just in case..
BERNIE
Well I’m guessing being galvanized wasn’t on his file
FX: Rustling
SNOWDROP
Erm… nope… but he was slightly colour blind. What was the other question?
BERNIE
Why do we have to find out who did this?
SNOWDROP
Plot advancement?
BERNIE
Sold! So do we have any clues?
SNOWDROP
I though the fact we’ve just had a metal bird crash through the window was a pretty big one. But that’s just me. I’m nit picky.
FX: Phone rings
BERNIE
B&S detective agency, Bernie Breslaw speaking………….. yes, I was in the carry on films…….(sigh) yes Sid James was brilliant………yes he was a genius………yes, get to the point………………uh ha……..okay thank you.
FX: Puts phone down.
SNOWDROP
Who was that?
BERNIE
The producer. He wanted to know could we bring the pace up a little as the entire front row of the audience has fallen asleep and one old man has even stopped breathing.
SNOWDROP
I’ll get the poking stick shall I?
BERNIE
What do they expect? It’s not exactly a dynamic concept is it? An ex-carry on star and a reformed evil super villainess cat set about solving crime. I would have loved to have been at that meeting…….
PRODUCER
So, we have two options for this autumn. Ether this awful show about Bernie Breslaw and some talking cat or a sitcom slash musical drama about Osama Bin Laden and George Bush putting their differences aside and running a bakery together.
COMISSIONER
I think we have our answer.
GRAMS: Music starts.
LYRICS: Make bread not war! Brought together by cupcakes! No more bombers, no more oil, it’s all about muffins..............(Music fades)
SNOWDROP
If only the actor playing Bush hadn’t pulled out.
BERNIE
Hey! If it wasn’t for the fact Damn Judy Dench is a busy woman, we wouldn’t have this gig. I’ve just bought a boat you know.
SNOWDROP
Shhhhh………..he is starting to come around…….just one more poke………
BERNIE
Be careful, you poke him too hard you could break the fragile wall separating the waking world from the world of the sandman.
SNOWDROP
Do what? You just made that up. I fail too see how the act of poker-age, an essentially physical act can have any influence on someone’s state on sleeping consciousness, which is in essence purely abstract.
BERNIE
Well don’t say I didn’t warn you.
SNOWDROP
Don’t be stupid.
FX: Burst and slosh
SNOWDROP
Ewwwww!
FX: FADE OUT AND THEN FADE INTO PART NOISE.
HENRY
Well you join us here for the 12th annual final of loaded chess.
TOD
Loaded chess, for our listeners remind us what that means.
HENRY
Well Tod, some of the chess pieces have a few hidden surprises in store to liven things up.
TOD
And if any sport needs it…. Oh Parvalo is looking to take Smilev's Rook, and, oh no what’s this.
HENRY
It looks like a swarm of angry bees unleased by the bishop.
FX: BUZZING AND SCREAMING
TOD
Ohhh... now that looks nasty. I haven't seen a case on anaflalectic shock that bad since Helsinki. Look at the size of his head. Henry, Henry?
HENRY
Pfff,,, still chess though, isn’t it?
TOD
Yeah, bless them for trying though. Now over to James with extreme dominoes.
(FX: BACK TO MAIN)
SNOWDROP
What the hell kind of dream was that?
BERNIE
Don’t ask me I’m still trying to work out how you’re holding that poking stick with no thumbs.
SNOWDROP
Moving on before we have to start explaining plot holes like that, I wonder who would be able to pull of a cunning stunt like this.
BERNIE
Jodie Marsh?
SNOWDROP
I said CUNNING STUNT.
BERNIE
Right.
ANNOUNCER
Meanwhile on the Judith Charmers memorial statue just outside of Peckham, representatives of the native birds of Britain gather to discuss a worrying matter.
FX: Birds cooing.
PIGEON
ORDER, ORDER! Let’s all settle down and get on with the meeting.
EDDIE
All rise for the right honorable Sir Cyril Pigeon.
PIGEON
Thank you Eddie Swallow. First, a couple of announcements to get out of the way. Would the owner of a light blue Ford Capri please move your vehicle…..preferably back to Essex. Also, due to the serious nature of this discussion, I would like to remind all members to please refrain from pooping on the statue until the meeting is over. I’m looking at you Steven Magpie.
STEVEN
Fascist!
PIGEON
Yes quite, moving onto the serious matter at hand it appears another casualty has fallen victim to this insanity. Barry the happy go lucky Sparrow was taken from us this morning.
FX: Gasping.
PIGEON
He has now joined his comrades Billy the soulful but blue Dove, Dave the bad tempered blue tit, and Nigel the sexuality perverted crow. It’s now time for action! We must do everything within our power to stop this madness!
EDDIE
YEAH! Er………how?
PIGEON
What do you mean?
EDDIE
How are we gonna stop it?
PIGEON
Well, I hadn’t thought that far ahead you know…..that was the point of today.
EDDIE
Ah…..I see. So what are we doing?
PIGEON
I don’t know yet.
EDDIE
So how are we gonna stop anything then?
PIGEON
I DON’T KNOW.
EDDIE
So what is the meeting for again?
PIGEON
To find out what to do.
EDDIE
About what?
PIGEON
This is going to be a very long day.
STEVEN
Weapons! We need weapons! The time has come to defend ourselves against our enemies! Guns, missiles, rocket launchers! That will show them!
PIGEON
That’s all good Steven. I would like to point out the floors in you idea as, A) Weapons cost money and in case you hadn’t noticed, we are birds. We don’t have pockets, let alone money. B) You need hands and fingers to operate weapon and bearing in mind WE ARE BIRDS, how were you thinking of pulling that one off?
STEVEN
Fascist!
PIGEON
And you can clean THAT up as well. Any other ideas?
EDDIE
Ooooh, ooooh, me, me!
PIGEON
Yes…..
EDDIE
Why don’t we beat them at their own game? Invent a machine that turns anything you point it at into something like, I dunno, bread! Bread’s good! Better than metal!
PIGEON
Yeah, Eddie, again a couple of things…. WE ARE BIRDS! How would we hold the tools!
EDDIE
Geez, just thinking aloud. I suppose we could protect ourselves with some tin foil or something.
PIGEON
Has anyone got any ideas?
FX Lots of cooing and oohing.
PIGEON
Something that doesn’t need fingers, money, or a degree in bio science?
Silence
EDDIE
Who do you think is doing this Mr. Pigeon sir?
PIGEON
Now that dear Eddie is easy. I may not have any proof but I know that only an evil genius with a taste for doom and destruction could ever come up with an evil scheme like this. A dark soul who loves to strike terror into the hearts of the living. Someone who has nothing but bloodlust towards man’s feathered friend. A creature so evil, so vile, so cruel, I dare not speak its name! My sources have revealed to me where this vile beast lurks now. We must stop its reign of terror before all is lost.
FX Dramatic music.
EDDIE
Who?
SNOWDROP
Bernie……I’ve just seen a Robin wearing a tin foil hat.
BERNIE
Step away from the catnip.
SNOWDROP
No I’m serious, well as serious as I can be when discussing a tin foil wearing robin.
BERNIE
I know they were going for a low budget for the next batman film but that is too far, they'll never stand for it.
SNOWDROP
That's ridiculous?
BERNIE
More ridiculous than this.
(SFX: Strange Noise)
SNOWDROP
No, that's too ridiculous. I vote we follow him.
BERNIE
Let’s go for it, got to be easier than following the plot.
SNOWDROP
There’s a plot?
BERNIE
Quick he’s getting away.
SNOWDROP
Time for the big magnet.
(SFX: Magnet noise)
BERNIE
Do magnets work on tin foil?
SNOWDROP
Oh yep the robin…… sorry was distracted by something shiny… just had to make it mine. MUUH HAAAA HAAA HAAAAA HAAAA HAAAAAAAAAA! Cough! Sorry. Just a slight megalomaniac spasm. I'm on pills.
BERNIE
Charles Hawtrey was the same. Quick, leg it.
(FX: Comedy running and scampering)
SNOWDROP
Damn, We lost him…
BERNIE
How can you loose a robin with a tin foil hat?
SNOWDROP
A flying robin, a robin who can fly, as appose to us, that can't?
BERNIE
Yep.
SNOWDROP
Tsk…… I despair sometimes… hang on there he is… no that’s a different one… wait a minute they’re all wearing tin foil hats.
BERNIE
And not even at a jaunty angle, this must be serious.
SNOWDROP
London fashion week has a lot to answer for.
(FX: Sound of birds builds up slowly)
SNOWDROP
Er……..Bernie?
BERNIE
I’ve got theory brewing. They say birds can sense danger. Maybe something is about to happen……
SNOWDROP
Bernie?....
BERNIE
It must be serious. What could evoke such a reaction? I’ve not seen anything like this since those ducks started chaining themselves outside number 10 during the rail strikes.
SNOWDROP
Why have they got a net Bernie?
BERNIE
Not now SD! Mmmmm………let’s see……the hats are some form of protection.
(FX squawking)
SNOWDROP
BERNIE!
BERNIE
I’m thinking apocalypse, I’m thinking meteor shower.
SNOWDROP
GET OFF ME! DON’T TOUCH THE FUR. NO ONE TOUCHES THE FUR…..
BERNIE
I’m thinking abortion storyline in Eastenders.
SNOWDROP
BERNIE! SAVE ME YOU STUPID SPANNEEEEEEEEEEEEER! (fade out)
BERNIE
I’m sorry SD, did you say something?
ANNOUNCER
What will happen to Snowdrop? Will Bernie ever figure this one out before it’s too late? Will the skin on my baked potato ever get crispy? Tune in soon for part 2 of ………..what is this? It didn’t make any sense! Oh, if only Dame Judy Dench wasn’t so busy.
END OF PART ONE.
Thanks 
Aaron, feel free to proof read.
