New Army Sitcom - Thoughts please

EXT.PARADE GROUND - MORNING

A bright, dry day. GARY is asleep in his bed in the middle of the parade ground, his lockers and other furniture are assembled neatly around his bed, a crudely written "Do not disturb" sign hangs on the end of the bed. SGT MAJOR STOKES (hard faced, stocky, late 30's) stands over GARY's sleeping body staring down at him.

SGT MAJOR STOKES

(softly)

Private Miller, Private Miller. Do you want a cup of tea?

GARY

Mherg!

SGT MAJOR STOKES

Would you like sugar with that? Maybe some biscuits?

GARY shuffles and turns over in his bed.

GARY

Hob Nobs?

SGT MAJOR STOKES

No problem, anything else you'd like? Perhaps I could pleasure you orally to really start your day with a bang?

GARY smiles briefly then his eyes open wide. He looks out at the cold grey parade ground then slowly turns to look at SGT MAJOR STOKES. SGT MAJOR STOKES smiles briefly, a wicked look in his eyes then takes a deep breath.

INT.OFFICE CORRIDOR - DAY

JONESY, MEL and CONNOR are standing at ease outside the troop office dressed in full uniform. They are all staring at the opposite wall.

MEL

We're f**ked!

JONESY

We're fine! They don't know it was us, no-one knows it was us.

CONNOR

Then why are we standing here?

MEL

Because they know it was us.

JONESY

No! They suspect it was us, which isn't enough, just play stupid. Admit nothing.

CONNOR

Nothing?

JONESY

Not a thing, we just went out last night, came back early and went to bed, none of us saw Miller, none of us saw a bed in the middle of the parade ground, none of us saw anything.

The three soldiers stand in silence for a few seconds, CONNOR looks confused.

CONNOR

Then how did I get to my room?

MEL

We are so f**ked!

JONESY

You just got to your room, Connor, you got out of the taxi, walked through the gate, up to the block, into your room and got in to bed.

CONNOR

Then how come I didn't notice the bed in the parade ground?

JONESY

You didn't see a bed in the parade ground because there was no bed in the parade ground, got it?

CONNOR nods then stands for a few more seconds rocking on his heels. He then looks at JONESY and opens his mouth, MEL sags her head in despair.

CONNOR

Then why am I here?

JONESY

For f**ks sake! Just stick to the story!

MEL

Shh!

The door at the end of the corridor opens and SGT THOMAS enters. She walks past the soldiers without acknowledging them and unlocks the office door before walking in and sitting at her desk.

SGT THOMAS

(weary)

Right, you f**king imbeciles, get in here.

The three soldiers march smartly into the office and halt in front of SGT THOMAS's desk. SGT THOMAS stares at each of them.

SGT THOMAS

Whose idea was it?

JONESY

Idea, Sarge?

SGT THOMAS

Jones, I might have switched moisturisers recently but do I actually look like some fresh faced Rupert straight out of Sandhurst?

JONESY

No, Sarge!

SGT THOMAS

Howard?

MEL

I thought it was the pilates, Sarge.

SGT THOMAS

I suppose you don't know anything either, Musgrove?

CONNOR

That's the story, Sarge.

MEL and JONESY close their eyes. SGT THOMAS leans back in her chair.

SGT THOMAS

You had one job, look after the new boy so you either left him in such a state that, under his own initiative, he moved his entire bedroom furniture into the middle of the parade ground and chose to sleep there or, and I'm really reaching here, you came up with the idea yourselves.

MEL

In our defence, Sarge, he was safely tucked up in bed.

JONESY

And it was more of a homage than an original idea.

SGT THOMAS turns to CONNOR

SGT THOMAS

Anything to add?

CONNOR

I came back early and went straight to bed, Sarge. I didn't see a bed on the parade ground.

SGT THOMAS nods.

SGT THOMAS

Alright then, you better go.

CONNOR stamps to attention and marches out of the office. MEL and JONESY stare after him. SGT THOMAS smacks a ruler down on her desk and they quickly turn back to her.

SGT THOMAS

And there was me thinking He's the stupid one.

EXT.GARDEN - DAY

GARY is busy working in SGT MAJOR STOKES garden. MEL and JONESY enter through the garden gate carrying extra gardening equipment.

JONESY

Is this all you've done? You had a two hour head start!

GARY

Stay the f**k away from Me!

MEL

Hey! Show some respect.

GARY stops working and jabs his finger at JONESY

GARY

Respect? For Him? He got me into this shit.

JONESY

Me? Did I tell you to ask the Sergeant Major for a blow job? Help me out here Mel, do you remember me instructing young Miller here to request a hummer from the scariest man in the squadron?

MEL

It never came up.

JONESY

Thank God!

GARY

Okay, firstly I didn't ask, he offered. And Second I only asked for Hob Nobs.

MEL

Well that's a relief!

.

GARY shakes his head in exasperation and goes back to work. The back door to the Sergeant Majors house opens and LISA comes out wearing a bikini. JONESY stares at her with a look of both lust and fear as she approaches them.

JONESY

Shit! Mel, you've got to help me out here.

MEL flourishes a sharp edged trowel.

MEL

What? You want me to f**k her up a bit? Like me going to jail is better than you being killed by her Dad?

JONESY

Well for me it is.

I like this alot, not least because it's so much better than your last effort.

Strong characters, comedy coming from funny situations with characters in them.

Lots of neat gags, I like the pilates one and the dialogue has a definite zing.

Just maybe ease up on the effing and jeffing.

Far too many words are used to achieve the desired effects.

Where you have:

Quote: sean knight @ 4th July 2015, 7:41 PM BST

EXT.PARADE GROUND - MORNING

A bright, dry day. GARY is asleep in his bed in the middle of the parade ground, his lockers and other furniture are assembled neatly around his bed, a crudely written "Do not disturb" sign hangs on the end of the bed. SGT MAJOR STOKES (hard faced, stocky, late 30's) stands over GARY's sleeping body staring down at him.

SGT MAJOR STOKES

(softly)

Private Miller, Private Miller. Do you want a cup of tea?

GARY

Mherg!

SGT MAJOR STOKES

Would you like sugar with that? Maybe some biscuits?

GARY shuffles and turns over in his bed.

GARY

Hob Nobs?

SGT MAJOR STOKES

No problem, anything else you'd like? Perhaps I could pleasure you orally to really start your day with a bang?

GARY smiles briefly then his eyes open wide. He looks out at the cold grey parade ground then slowly turns to look at SGT MAJOR STOKES. SGT MAJOR STOKES smiles briefly, a wicked look in his eyes then takes a deep breath.

View original

I'd have:

"EXT.PARADE GROUND - MORNING

Tight shot of GARY's face.

Pull back to show he is is asleep in bed in the middle of the parade ground, his lockers and other furniture are assembled neatly around his bed, a crudely written "Do not disturb" sign hangs on the end of the bed.

At a distance, SGT MAJOR STOKES (hard faced, stocky, late 30's) sees GARY and his face contorts with anger."

Then straight into the next scene outside the office.

There are some good lines - I like the moisturiser/fresh-faced Rupert one, it sounds authentic. We're you in the army, Sean? Rood Eye's right, it needs editing. I hope you've got a good strong plot to work on.

I'm with Sooty, the swearing is a bit much. I appreciate it's probably realistic, but what you've got here is quite a relaxed, warm bit of comedy - it could almost be the opening scenes to some B&W early 60s army comedy movie - and the swearing feels jarring.

It's good, though: the opening image is striking, and the interrogation scene is funny.

nb with swearing there's 3 approaches I think

1 Galton and Simpson picked a harmless word and stuck with it. After a while accepted Porridge's "nerk" as a c**t alternative.

2 Make using alternative rude words a source of humour; for example Black Adder had a whole array of very funny made up rude words.

3 Pick a not especially well known, very rude word. Bit of a risk but the smeg heads at Red Dwarf got away with it.

I can see what Beaky means about the editing, but I quite like the staginess. It's a little like Black Adder but then I think you need to play into it a lot more and make your characters, more grotesque.

Hi guys, thanks for the feedback so far.

The swearing is one of those things where I couldn't decide if it was right or not. The consensus seems to be not though and, as has been said elsewhere, it forces you to be more creative with the dialogue so it's getting chopped out.

I was in the Army for 11 years and the first thing I was going to write when I started out a bit over 4 years ago was an Army comedy. However when I tried it it just didn't look, sound or feel right. I read someone else's (I think it was Jodan) Army comedy on here a few months ago and instantly recognized that not only were they a fellow squaddie (potentially ex) but also from the same department (Royal Signals) and had basically written something along the same lines as what I had produced with with pen and paper at the beginning.

I'm not sure what to do about the beginning, it could maybe do with an edit as people have suggested but I'm loathe to gut it so radically. I'll have a think.

The plot is barrelling along inside my head, a bit of doodling will join it up nicely I think. Should also get to see the characters blossom as that goes (Jonesy, Mel and the Sergeant Major particuarly). I don't think all characters need to be grotesque as they need to be slightly relatable but I've learned that boring characters are death unless them being boring is the joke.

I don't mean grotesque as in grotesque, more in terms of being exagerrated.

So for example Sir Percy is grotesquely stupid or Rimmer is grotesquely anally retentive.

On swearing, it depends what you want. I think it was overdone in Detectorists - which is one of the best of the recent ones - but mainly because it is gentle. Yours is army which is a different kettle of fish. It is almost necessary for acceptance in the current zeitgeist. At the same time, American stuff like Big Bang Theory generally doesn't go there but it is a hell of a lot edgier at times than stuff full of it. That's the cleverness in it but they do have a very big team of writers.

Have to say that I come from a generation where doing the opposite of what was expected was always considered cool so to me the use of f**k in every other word is now too conventional because everyone does it. Everything in that way has gone into reverse so that the truly innovative - and even outrageously good - wouldn't do it. But to make up for not doing what everyone else is doing, you need a striking and ground breaking filmic style to leave a unique impression. That is what I would be striving for if I wanted something classic and long-lasting.